I need advice RE:Formatting conversations.

[ghostsblood]

HI Guys

I have been working on and off on my story for far too long now. I have completely reformatted and edited the whole thing as it currently appears. BUT I hame not sure of exactly the best method to format a conversation that includes actions and incidental statments.

Below is a chunk of the current revision (it contains nothing bad). As you can see I have well and truly screwed the pooch.
--------------


Mr Evans walks into the prefect meeting red-faced, and wheezing. Mr M and
the new school prefects all turn to look at him. They are both; annoyed at
being distracted from watching the change rooms, and amused that he has
had to actually break a sweat today.
“Those girls you sent me…. *Pant* are an energetic couple of
cunts….*pant* Too much energy for their own good.” He slumps on his
chair exhausted.
“So what you’re saying.” Mr M looks at him. “Is that you worked them
hard like I asked?”
“Yes. Those bitches wouldn’t stop talking and laughing… like they
don’t have a care in the world. No matter how many God-Damm times
I ran them around the field. I made them sprint 30 times from goal to
goal. Even had them do 200 sits-ups as fast as they could. They just
kept coming back for more, even laughing! Like it was some stupid
game, don’t get me wrong it’s not like I ran with them, but I can
only yell at them to run faster so much before it starts to hurt.
I had to walk up and down the field, so I didn’t have to yell so much.”
“But did you break them in?”
Mr M doesn’t turn away from the two-way mirror; he is wondering where his
star pupils are.
“They are sprinting 15 more laps around the oval… they were looking
pretty haggard by the time I left to join you. One thing is for sure;
after today, their endurance must have increased ten-fold. I didn’t
become a champion soccer coach without knowing how to make a
body work beyond its limits.”
On cue; the door to the change room limps open, as two very sorry looking
waifs tumble in. They are holding each other up for balance, but Mr M is happy
to see that despite having been pushed to their limits; the spark is still
in their eyes. He leans back, and lights a Cuban, he watches the scene unfold
on the other side of the glass.
The girls slump on the benches wheezing, and gasping for breath to fill
their tiny lungs. Having to look at each other’s pain just hurts more.
Loli breaks the silence:
“Why did he do that? What did we do wrong? My whole body hurts, it’s
so unfair.”
They look at all the other girls, who are happily showering after the
round robin tennis match. The girls look back with curiosity. Some are even
jealous of the extra attention; Mae and Loli look at each other in disbelief.
“Well at least Mr M is nice.” They both nod, and untie each other’s
laces.

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Please help.. while this is the worst example, it is not the only one.

=^_^=

ps: is there a better way to format a copied passage than using the CODE code and formatting eac h line manually?

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Attached is your passage in an edited form:

Apparently, the VBB text boxes don't like formatted paragraphs and such very much. Although, I have used them before in some of my writing without any difficulty. It might be the software used for the word formatting.

Here are a couple of links, too, to help you with your dialogue and your use of colons and semi-colons:

Dialogue rules: http://www.stlcc.cc.mo.us/mc/support/cwc/fpages/Using_Dialogue.html

Colon and semi-colon rules: http://web2.uvcs.uvic.ca/elc/studyzone/410/grammar/colons.htm

I hope this helps.

[ghostsblood]

Awsome!

I figured I should be starting a new paragraph each time the speaker changes, but it looked crowded, hence why I did it as I did.. but then of course it looked even worse.

Thanks for clearing it up for me, and the links are already proving invaluable.

=^_^=

[ghostsblood]

After fixing the converations, I started fixing the colons and found his little gem. I dont know how I managed to write it.. but below is evidence that I reall.. realy neede to learn about their proper usage.

"Mike leans down, and strokes her sullen face; so bright and cheerful only 10 minutes ago, now it is screwed up and red; swollen in fear and disgust: it is still full of life; fear and hatred, but it is still life. "

:dunno:

[Ranai]

Hi ghostsblood, this is what I would do:

Mike leans down and strokes her sullen face. So bright and cheerful only ten minutes ago, now it is screwed up and red, swollen in fear and disgust. It is still full of life; fear and hatred – but it is still life.

Some other things in the text above:

*pant* is chatroom-speak. 'He was panting' works better in descriptive prose.

'Two hundred' and 'fifteen' look better than '200' and '15'.

This will probably make you groan 'Oh no, not that', but... Try as an experiment converting an entire paragraph of your story into past tense and test how it feels?

[slave48]

I hate to spoil a party, and maybe things are different depending on which side of the Altantic you are, but I believe there is an error in the corrected sample. It was suggested that the dialog should be written as ...

“So what you’re saying,” Mr M looks at him. “Is that you worked them hard like I asked?”

However, think about it logically and you will see that Mr M did not deliver two sentences but only one. It should, therefore, be punctuated as ...

“So what you’re saying,” Mr M looks at him, “is that you worked them hard like I asked?”

regards

Slave48

[ghostsblood]

Ranai: The chat room thing was something I was playing with and forgot to clear out. Thanks

Slave48: Thats a very good point. Thanks

[General_Dom]

Hi Ghost,

Here is what I would do, with some notes in italic (good excerpt, BTW - smoking is a fetish with me, so I like the cigar! ;) ):

I'm thinking you're wanting to write in third-person ("God" POV) here, but it's coming off a second-person. You can "sort of" mix tenses in third-person, but with care (see my post on "viewpoints" in the Forums). Also, when you use explicit actions like *pant* , it only really works in first-person. I, personally, don't use these actions, but this may be your style. Notice I passified the verbs... this is more indicative of third-person, if you want to go that way, but it doesn't have to be.

Mr Evans walked into the prefect meeting, red-faced and wheezing. Mr M and
the new school prefects all turned to look at him. They were annoyed at
having been distracted from watching the change rooms, as well as amused at his having to actually break a sweat today.

Note the punctuation with the elipses. When using an elipse in the middle of a sentence, use three dots. When ending a sentence, use four. They can be tricky, but I enjoy using them, too. Helps to simulate real dialogue, when used in moderation.

“Those girls you sent me…." he panted, "are an energetic couple of cunts…." He took another exhausted breath. "Too much energy for their own good.” He slumps on his chair, exhausted.

“So what you’re saying,” Mr M replied, “is that you worked them
hard, like I asked?”

There are times when you want to use elipses and times when you want to use a "---" (an em-dash? Not sure on that one). The difference, I believe, is that elipses are used to simulate long pauses mid-dialogue in one idea or statement, while the em-dash is usually used to frame, or lead to, another different idea or statement. Sigh... the best I can articulate it, I'm afraid.

“Yes. Those bitches wouldn’t stop talking and laughing…like they
don’t have a care in the world...no matter how many goddamn times
I ran them around the field! I made them sprint 30 times from goal to
goal --- even had them do 200 sits-ups, as fast as they could. They just kept coming back for more, even laughing --- like it was some stupid
game! Don’t get me wrong --- it’s not like I ran with them, but I can
only yell at them to run faster for so long, before it starts to hurt.
I finally had to start walking, so I didn’t have to yell as much.”
“But did you break them in?” Mr M said, wondering where his star pupils were, not turning away from the two-way mirror.

Sometimes you use a semi-colon when a colon would be more appropos. Colons annouce a specific thought, Semi-colons break up two related thoughts, but you should use them carefully. Generally, if you can connect the two thoughts with the word "and," a semi-colon is appropriate, and more stream-lined.

“They're sprinting 15 more laps around the oval; they were looking
pretty haggard by the time I left to join you. One thing is for sure:
after today, their endurance will have increased ten-fold. I didn’t
become a champion soccer coach without knowing how to make a
body work beyond its limits.”

As if on cue, the door to the change room limped open, and two very sorry looking waifs tumbled in. As they held each other up for balance, Mr M was happy to see that, despite having been pushed to their limits, the spark was still
in their eyes. He leaned back, lit a Cuban, and watched the scene unfold
on the other side of the glass.

The girls slumped on the benches, wheezing and gasping for breath to fill
their tiny lungs. Being forced to look at each other’s pain only increased their misery.

I would make sure the reader knows the two girls are Mae and Loli. It's not clear who Mae is from this excerpt.

Loli broke the silence.

“Why did he do that? What did we do wrong? My whole body hurts. It’s
so unfair.” They looked at the other girls, happily showering after the
round robin tennis match, who looked back with curiosity. Some even appeared to be
jealous of the extra attention being paid to them, and Mae and Loli looked at each other in disbelief.

You need to clarify a speaker in the next case.
“Well at least Mr M is nice," x said. Both girls nodded, and untied each other’s laces.


Hope this helps. The best way to improve is read, read, read, and keep writing ---- always keep writing.

Good luck,

GD