My Question and Problem

[Adrian]

First a quick intro.

My name is Adrian, I am 23 years old living in Southern California. I am mere novice in the BDSM world but very interested. Here is my dilema.
This girl who I have know for the last 6 years who I am very close with (took her to Austria with me) and have had a sexual relationship with for the last 4 years is very much into BDSM. She is a very neutral person in live, one would have trouble seeing if she was a sub or a dom, however in the bedroom she always is the Sub. For the most of our time our sexual relationship has been very vanilla like, but over the last year or so it has steadily been going more and more toward BDSM. In the last few months she has dressed up for me on her own accord without me asking her of it at least 4 times completly taking me offguard when I enter her house and she is sitting there wearing a corset a skirt and not much else. And usually during those times she is even more submissive then most times. When it comes to our pure BDSM sessions I am always very careful to make sure things dont get out of hand. My very last desire is to hurt her beyond what she can take. We use all the rules of safe words and gestures if she wants to be untied. So far our BDSM play is mostly bondage, the use of a flogger, spankings, rough sex, and of course me taking the role as her "master". Two weeks ago something changed. She asked me to be more of a master to her, more in charge more of a dominant. At first I thought this would enhance our relationship. Mind you we are not boyfriend girlfriend and both free to sleep with whomever we want. So I figured this was a step toward something more serious. This is where my problem first started. I can't consider myself a true Dom. Perhaps its the training I am missing or something else, but I just dont know how to behave myself as a dom outside of the bedroom. Yesterday evening a fight broke out and basically she told me she does not want me to be her dom anymore. Seeing as how BDSM is mutual power play and if she does not want this I have to accept. However I do know this is because I just dont know how to act how to properly punish. Its like I was brought into a foreign country that I had read about but never lived in. So now In my hopes to learn to become a Dom I guess I am seeking out help here from a BDSM community. Feel free to leave remarks thoughts anything. Just to also note our relationship is not over, but for now our BDSM relationship is on hold.

Thanks for reading

Adrian

[Ruby]

Adrian,

Welcome to the forums. You've got a lot going on here with this relationship. BDSM is just one of many things to consider.

First up, you've got to know yourself.

What do you want from the relationship?

Are you seeking more than a playmate?

Does being dominant in the bedroom come natural to you or do you feel like you are play acting to satisfy your partner?

How does punishing her and your fight relate?

Was she seeking for you to actually punish her for something?

Did she want you to be her "master" all the time, some of the time, or only when you were playing?

What expectations did she have for you when she asked you to take that role?

As you can see, this is all getting down to communication between your mind and your heart and then between you and your partner.

There's playing the role of a dom and actually being the dominant partner. While my T is Mr. Dom, 24/7, we don't live BDSM 24 hours a day. It's just who he is, a dominant male. Me, on the other hand, I like to switch roles depending on my mood, the situation, whatever. As you further explore BDSM, let yourself experience both sides and see if you have a preference for one or the other.

To your success,

Ruby

[Kelli]

Hi Adrian, welcome to the sites. First off let me tell you that you will find so much information here on any aspect of it. Ruby had a lot of good points, there is a lot you need to think about. As for the fight, it happens to a lot of us who are unexperienced. My fiance and myself had a fight about BDSM in our sex lives. It started to spill over into our real life and that created quite a mess. Talk to her, and see what exactly she wants. You two can set times during the week that you are her Dom, and have some fun sessions. Communication is really the key. Just talk to her about what she wants and needs, and you can really taylor everything to that. If you need ideas for punishments, everyone here is more than willing to help. There is a huge checklist somewhere that goes into great detail over all the different things considered in the BDSM rhelm, and it asks her on a scale of 1-5 how she feels about it, if she's tried it, or if it's something she would want to try. That would be very helpful if she wants to pursue things farther, and to give you some information on what she likes. Hope this helps! I'll look for that checklist.



Alright here is the checklist from http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bondage/sub-checklist.html

For each item, you need to provide two answers:

For experience, write YES or NO next to each item to indicate if you have ever DONE that activity. Mark N/A if it does not apply to your gender.
For willingness, indicate for each item how you feel about DOING that activity by rating it on a scale of NO or 0 to 5.
"?" means you don't understand what the item is attempting to describe.
NO means you will NOT do that item under any circumstances (a hard limit).
0 (zero) indicates you have utterly no desire to do that activity and don't like doing it (in fact, may loath it) and would ordinarily object to doing it, but you would permit the Dominant to do it if it they really wanted it. (sometimes called a "soft limit").
1 means you don't want to do or like to do this activity, but wouldn't object if it was asked of you.
2 means you are willing to do this activity, but it has no special appeal for you.
3 means you usually like doing this activity, at least on an irregular/ occasional basis.
4 means you like doing this activity, and would like to experience it on a regular basis.
5 means the activity is a wild turn-on for you, and you would like it as often as possible.
Mark with an asterisk (*) those items which you are willing to do only with your current sex partner(s), but not with casual play-partners.
Note any additional information or nuances which might be important for your Dom to know in the margin to the right. For example under diapers you might wish to distinguish between "wetting" and "soiling".
There is intentionally some overlap between categories. Unless otherwise stated, the Sub is the recipient/target of the activity.

Experience, Willingness Notes & Nuances
yes/no, NO or 0-5


Abrasion
Age play
Anal sex
Anal plugs (small)
Anal plugs (large)
Anal plug (public, under clothes)
Animal roles
Arm & leg sleeves (armbinders)
Aromas
Asphyxiation
Auctioned for charity
Ball stretching
Bathroom use control
Beastiality
Beating (soft)
Beating (hard)
Blindfolds
Being serviced (sexual)
Being bitten
Boot worship
Bondage (light)
Bondage (heavy)
Bondage (multi-day)
Bondage (public, under clothing)
Branding
Breast/chest bondage
Breast whipping
Breath control
Brown showers (scat)
Bruises
Cages (locked inside of)
Caning
Castration fantasy
Catheterization
Cattle prod (electrical toy)
Cells/Closets (locked inside of)
Chains
Chamber-pot use
Chastity belts (short term)
Chastity belts (multi-day)
Chauffeuring (driving)
Choking
Chores (domestic service)
Clothespins
Cock rings/straps
Cock worship
Collars (worn in private)
Collars (worn in public)
Competitions (with other Subs)
Corsets (wearing casually)
Corsets (trained waist reduction)
Cross-dressing
Cuffs (leather)
Cuffs (metal)
Cutting
Diapers (wearing)
Diapers (wetting)
Diapers (soiling)
Dilation
Dildoes
Double penetration
Electricity
Enemas (for cleansing)
Enemas (retention/punishment)
Enforced chastity
Erotic dance (for audience)
Examinations (physical)
Exercise (forced/required)
Exhibitionism (friends)
Exhibitionism (strangers)
Eye contact restrictions
Face slapping
Fantasy abandonment
Fantasy rape
Fantasy gang-rape
Fear (being scared)
Fisting (anal)
Fisting (vaginal)
Flame play
Following orders
Food play (cucumbers, sorbet...)
Foot worship
Forced bedwetting
Forced dressing
Forced eating
Forced homosexuality
Forced heterosexuality
Forced masturbation
Forced nudity (private)
Forced nudity (around others)
Forced servitude
Forced smoking
Full head hoods
Gags (cloth)
Gags (inflatable)
Gags (phallic)
Gags (rubber)
Gags (tape)
Gas masks
Gates of Hell (male)
Genital sex
Given away to another Dom (temp)
Given away to another Dom (perm)
Golden showers
Gun play
Hairbrush spankings
Hair pulling
Hand jobs (giving)
Hand jobs (receiving)
Harems (serving w/other subs)
Harnessing (leather)
Harnessing (rope)
Having food chosen for you
Having clothing chosen for you
Head (give fellatio/cunnilingus)
Head (recv fellatio/cunnilingus)
High heel wearing
High heel worship
Homage with tongue (non-sexual)
Hoods
Hot oils (on genitals)
Hot waxing
Housework (doing)
Human puppy dog
Humiliation (private)
Humiliation (public)
Hypnotism
Ice cubes
Immobilization
Infantilism
Initiation rites
Injections
Intricate (Japanese) rope bondage
Interrogations
Kidnaping
Kneeling
Knife play
Leather clothing
Leather restraints
Lectures for misbehavior
Licking (non-sexual)
Lingerie (wearing)
Manacles & Irons
Manicures (giving)
Massage (giving)
Massage (receiving)
Medical scenes
Modeling for erotic photos
Mouth bits
Mummification
Name change (for scene)
Name change (legal, permanent)
Nipple clamps
Nipple rings (piercings)
Nipple play/"torture"
Nipple weights
Oral/anal play (rimming)
Over-the-knee spanking
Orgasm denial
Orgasm control
Outdoor scenes
Outdoor sex
Pain (mild)
Pain (medium)
Pain (severe)
Persona training (in scene)
Personality modification (RL)
Phone sex (serving Dom)
Phone sex (serving Dom's friends)
Phone sex (commercial provider)
Piercing (temporary, play-pierce)
Piercing (permanent)
Plastic surgery
Prison scenes
Prostitution (public pretense)
Prostitution (actual)
Pony slave
Public exposure
Punishment Scene
Pussy/cock whipping
Pussy worship
Riding crops
Riding the "horse" (crotch torture)
Rituals
Religious scenes
Restrictive rules on behavior
Rubber/latex clothing
Rope body harness
Saran wrapping
Scarification
Scratching - getting
Scratching - giving
Sensory deprivation
Serving
Serving as art
Serving as ashtray
Serving as furniture
Serving as a maid
Serving as toilet (urine)
Serving as toilet (feces)
Serving as waitress/waiter
Serving orally (sexual)
Serving other doms (supervised)
Serving other doms (unsupervised)
Sexual deprivation (short term)
Sexual deprivation (long term)
Shaving (body hair)
Shaving (genital hair)
Shaving (head hair)
Skinny-dipping
Sleep deprivation
Sleepsacks
Slutty clothing (private)
Slutty clothing (public)
Spandex clothing
Spanking
Speech restrictions (when, what)
Speculums (Anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Spitting
Spreader bars
Standing in corner
Stocks
Straight jackets
Strap-on-dildos (sucking on)
Strap-on-dildos (penetrated by)
Strap-on-dildos (wearing)
Strapping (full body beating)
Suspension (upright)
Suspension (inverted)
Suspension (horizontal)
Supplying new partners for Dom
Swallowing feces
Swallowing semen
Swallowing urine
Swapping (with one other couple)
Swinging (multiple couples)
Tampon Training (in ass)
Tattooing
Teasing
TENS Unit (electrical toy)
Thumbcuffs (metal)
Tickling
Triple penetration
Urethral Sounds (metal rods)
Uniforms
Including others
Vaginal dildo
Verbal humiliation
Vibrator on genitals
Violet Wand (electrical toy)
Voyeurism (watching others)
Voyeurism (your Dom w/others)
Video (watching others)
Video (recordings of you)
Water torture
Waxing (hair removal)
Wearing symbolic jewelry
Weight gain (forced)
Weight loss (forced)
Whipping
Wooden paddles
Wrestling

[Ruby]

Thanks, Kelli.

Adrian, another thing to think about is experience in real life, wanting to do something, versus wanting to keep something in fantasy play.

Click here:
http://www.vampirespet.com/ActivityChecklist.html

For the list that Kelli posted with more categories for bigger discussion. For example, has she ever topped/dommed someone? What activites?
What did she like, what didn't she?
What turns you on?

The main thing about these questions is to use them to respect each other's desires and not use them against the other person. It's the whole, my kink isn't your kink, but I respect your right to have it thing.

[Adrian]

Holy crap you guys are great. After reading both responses I have a lot to think about and a lot to consider. The list that you guys gave me is the kinda thing that I have been looking for as well. Me and my significant other for lack of better terms did talk today. It was mostly relaxed but also a bit guarded. For now its best if we just work on the good part of our relationship which is communication. Which also includes me becoming a better listener. However I will continue to check this site because of the advice given and also mainly because of my very genuine interest into BDSM. Part of it due to me being a psych major and battling hard to make sure people understand that you can be A Sado Masochist without needing counseling. Damn narrowminded people but oh well what can you do. Thanks again for the responses and I will think about all the suggestions and questions asked.

Adrian

[GarrickBailley]

You should tell your significant other to check out these forums as well in my humble opinion...there are numerous highly intelligent individuals that can help her figure out what is reasonable to ask of you and what she wants as well.

[Ranai]

Hi Adrian,

As long as you listen inside yourself, you ought to be on a good track.
Just don’t try to stuff yourself or each other into pigeonholes.

To support what the others have said, it probably helps if each of you thinks about and writes down your present range of interests. Also, sometimes you need to try things out to find out whether you really like them in practice. Trial and error, or trial and improvement! And desires can change over the time. It seems that she wanted to try out a wider range of control and power exchange, and the attempt appears to have presented a stumbling block. Is it something you want to do?

Please remember that not only are you to respect her limits, she is to respect your limits, too. You have no obligation to turn yourself into some pre-fabricated image of a ‘master’. Your interaction is supposed to fulfil your inner desires, hers and yours. Either of you has a wide range of options to choose from, in erotic play and possibly outside the bedroom. This forum and other sources are full of ideas. You can try out what appeals to you both personally, and dismiss what does not appeal. Your BDSM life is what you choose to make it. See what matches and what differs in her and your wishes. See whether enough items that are important to each of you match to form a viable basis.

You and she probably already know this website: Gloria Brame (http://gloriabrame.com/kinkindex.htm) .
Since you are from Austria, you might enjoy this book: Kathrin Passig und Ira Strübel: Die Wahl der Qual. (http://www.amazon.de/exec/obidos/ASIN/3499616920/qid=1127219295/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_10_1/028-3017415-7274956)
Also, there is a thread here (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3394) with some BDSM related links in German language.

Alles Gute. – Best wishes to you both.