Just Friends?

[vistana]

it's been quite a while since I've done any posting at all here...last time I tried to start up again my life immediately went nuts. But i'm trying again, with a question, or atleast something to get off my chest.

I've just recently started having sex with my ex-boyfriend, in a strictly 'just friends' way, and it's been developing into a BDSM relationship at a pretty quick pace. he knew from when we were dating that i was submissive, though his dominant side has been longer in coming out. After we broke up we had the obligatory not talking phase, and then slowly started being friends again. Eventually it got to the point where I can tell him more than anybody else, especially in regards to my sexuality, as I started discovering my masochistic side in addition to the sub tendencies I'd already known were there.
Long story short, we started having sex, agreed that it was solely as friends and we were just having fun.
Now much to my delight he's showing himself to be quite the dominant. The sex is fantastic and he's learning how to push me & make me squirm entirely too well.

The dilemna I'm having is that we're still officially 'just friends', and outside of the bedroom we act that way. We're good friends, but aware of the space between us, the difference from when we were dating.
But during and after and to a lesser degree before sex/play the interaction changes drastically. When I've had sex with frineds in the past, we've still acted like friends during sex. With this guy, and this sex we act like a couple. The difference seems subtle, and possibly all in my head (though I don't think it is), but I'm still aware of it.
During, he's as demanding & sadistic as I could ask, but has also proven that he can drop that in an instant if I need comfort; at one point this weekend I got kind of freaked out & froze up, I'm still not sure exactly what caused it, but he noticed right away and stopped and just held me until I came back to myself, didn't start asking what had happened until I was settled, and was gentle & careful about coaxing me back into play. Which I ended up enjoying immensely; some of the bruises will last a few days.
Afterwards, we cuddle & laugh & exchange silly kisses, and generally do a good impression of more than 'just friends' until we get up & dress, and then it's back to that space between us. And I'm not sure that I can keep dealing with that transition. Granted, I haven't been doing it for very long, but it's jarring & I prefer how we are when we're not being just friends.

The problem is that as far as I can tell he's good with being 'just friends', though admittedly I probably give that impression too, we haven't talked about it since the initial conversation after we found ourselves in bed together, and I feel like I'm falling for him again. I know that I can do sex without a romantic/emotional attachment, I've done it in the the past, but this is my first D/s experience, so I don't know if the way that I'm feeling now is a result of of the higher emotional stakes involved in this kind of sex or if it's a result of this guy. Either way, what do I do now?

I don't know what I'm looking for in a response, but I needed to get this off my chest.
My apologies for any incoherencies within, I kept rearranging sentences trying not to be longwinded, if anything doesn't make sense just ask
:)

[Ozme52]

You know... in the regular world, lots of people get together and have fine relationships until the get married, divorced, and eventually come to realize they were better off as friends, both before and after the marriage.

So why mess with it. If it works as is, I say go wherever it takes you. Let it, the relationship, guide you instead of you trying to guide it. You might find it takes you exactly to the place you wanted to be... or you might find it takes you somewhere else you never considered, be it for better or worse.

My take is, it will be a better place for having grown there naturally rather than because of some predetermined expectation set into your psyches associated with the vanilla upbringing most all of us are saddled with.

[Ruby]

No apologies needed.

What do you want to do now?

It sounds like you are more than "just friends with benefits". You've grown into top/bottom play partners.

It's natural to "fall for your dom". Each time you have a good, positive physical contact with someone, that person imprints a bit of themselves onto you, making you want to get that good feeling again and again.

What are you seeking?
Do you want this to turn into something more?
Something exclusive?
Are you looking for a long term relationship with your partner?
Or do you just want to keep doing what your doing?

If you want the last one, then keep having fun.
If you want something more, then it's probably time to have a wee bit of a chat with him.

To your success!

[Katmandu]

I think, being honest about your feelings to-for him....in other words, just discussions, will carry you far. Tell him about your confusion of feelings, and whether you 'need' more 'aftercare' or time before hand to 'set up' the mood.

Admittedly, being put into sub-mode, does make one have strong feelings towards the Dom(me) that puts you there. Perhaps, you can explain that to him also, should you get the wrong feedback from him.

[submissivewife]

I agree with Kat...talk to him about how your feelings have developed to what they are. He may be feeling the same way but afraid to approach his feeling with you. I am fast learning that men are very strange creatures. They don't express their feelings as well as they should. Sometimes a little coaxing of getting them to discuss how they feel will get them to open up.

I wish you the best in your relationship, and hopefully going in the direction you hope.

subwife

[vistana]

I really didn't mean to abandon this for so long...

thanks to everybody who offered advice. I'm straightening my head out quite well right now.

I've decided that I do like this guy enough that I could do a romantic relationship again, but I like what we have right now enough that there's no reason for me to look for one. We're good comfortable friends who have a lot of fun together and also have incredible mind-blowing & increasingly kinky sex.
So I'm leaving things as they are and not pushing anything.
(also i'm an utter coward about discussing my emotions. probably why we broke up in the first place.)

we still have some issues concerning headspace; despite (or possibly because of) how very good he is at playing with mine he's not fully aware of how much it can affect me, and how much my emotions and thoughts get tossed around. And due to my dreadful (but improving!) communication skills I'm not very good at telling him.
But we're getting better and the play is getting better and if it keeps improving at the same rate I will die of a heart attack one of these days.

So, emotional turmoil about 95% settled and I'm a happy camper with a fresh set of bruises. :)

[submissivewife]

Glad you have been able to straighten out your inner turmoil. I know I spend a lot of time trying to make sense of my inner turmoil.

On being able to communicate how you feel, when you do decide it is the right time to discuss them try writing them. When I feel that my emotions are all out of control and need to express them I write them. I am then able to put everything I need to express down. This has helped me a lot when needed to express myself to my Sir.


So, emotional turmoil about 95% settled and I'm a happy camper with a fresh set of bruises.

I have a fresh set of bruises too and a very happy camper......:bdsmsmile

[Tojo]

To me it's blatantly obvious that you need to communicate with him. Not just for the sake of your own relationship, but for your own growth.
Have you tried writing stuff down? Emails? Asking for permission to speak while you're doing a play session maybe?
You can also write out what you want to say for your own info, & either read it to him or give it to him, or just read it yourself to get your thoughts straight.
It's too easy in a D/s relationship for the sub to just 'go along with it' & let the Dom do everything. I don't agree with that way of doing things, I think it's got to be both people working on it.
No relationship can work without communication. Not forever anyway.
Seems to me that if he's as caring as all that, he'd be happy to listen.
Don't be complacent, sounds like that didn't work last time! :wave:

Tojo