View Full Version : The Same Partner Or Different?
Aesop
02-15-2006, 06:44 AM
I'm curious to know if the switches out there prefer to have a monogamous relationship with one person and switch roles with him/her or if it's prefered to be submissive to one person and dominant to another. Or does it matter?
Nikita
02-15-2006, 09:03 AM
I'm curious to know if the switches out there prefer to have a monogamous relationship with one person and switch roles with him/her or if it's prefered to be submissive to one person and dominant to another. Or does it matter?
Since I'm very inexperienced, I was lucky to find a patient and knowledgeable switch with whom I play with regularly. It's not my thing to play with two different people, therefore, this monogamous relationship works for me.
goodlilcowgirl
02-15-2006, 03:40 PM
I generally go for 2 different people... once I submit to someone its hard for me to dominate them... I just can't... it feels too wierd and I DONT like it when my sub dominates me... so yea, 2 different people (both knowing of course)
Ozme52
02-15-2006, 10:12 PM
Then there's hope for me yet eh cowgirl? LOL
I don't switch, but can't imagine allowing my sub to dominate me if I were so inclined... not and later have the same level of self control when it was my turn again...
Not that I currently have a sub, so I guess it's all a moot point.
redEva
02-16-2006, 11:15 AM
Never with a same person - it just does not work for me.
It is power-exchange, and for me, if I was given that privilege to be in place of power, I will not step down and ask partner to take my place for a change … it just does not work psychologically.
I look for different things in sub vs. Top, and while this might sound strange and just plain selfish (since I do have both in me) I prefer person who is fully "committed" to one or the other.
That being said (and I am fully aware that there is many nice people who will need to point out that this is totally un-true), all true Dominants I met in Real life have at some point in their life, or still do, submit to someone, and learned what it means to be on that end of spectrum.
So it is not question of looking for someone who is "truly" sub or Dom ... just for the person who truly enjoys being one or the other one.
:popc1:
Aesop
02-17-2006, 02:54 PM
That being said (and I am fully aware that there is many nice people who will need to point out that this is totally un-true), all true Dominants I met in Real life have at some point in their life, or still do, submit to someone, and learned what it means to be on that end of spectrum.
lol Well it won't be me. I avoid arguments about what a "true" sub/dom/switch/whatever is like I avoid dogs with foam covered muzzles.
redEva
02-17-2006, 03:25 PM
lol Well it won't be me. I avoid arguments about what a "true" sub/dom/switch/whatever is like I avoid dogs with foam covered muzzles.
hehe ... you are not Fox for nothing!
Aesop
02-18-2006, 08:00 AM
hehe ... you are not Fox for nothing!
;)
FNorm
03-04-2006, 02:57 PM
Different strokes for different...
I've played top for more that 20, sub for about 10. Now I can go either way depending on what's HOT. Either with the same person, or with different. Switching with the same person takes a lot of experience by both. Not always possible.
In one eveninjg I can go from Top to bottom, but can't do it the other way.
FN
samzum
04-25-2006, 09:07 AM
mmm totally agree with Eva .. she is wise :-)
somewriter
04-25-2006, 10:38 AM
Definitely has to be the same person for me. Monogamy is a definite requirement, I couldn't cope with any other arrangement. And while I think I could probably have a relationship where I was only sub or only dom, it's best to have both :-) I've never had a problem with switching with the same person, it's only a temporary sexual power exchange so I don't see why it should matter if the roles are swapped the next time.
For me, it depends on the partner.
With Nat, we can switch and have a delightful time. Sometimes in the same play session.
Yet with T, we fall into our roles of owner and pet.
Switching doesn't do anything for him and so,
I get to work out my domme tendencies with Nat.
It works for the three of us.
Blue_Monday
05-16-2006, 08:27 PM
I go back and forth with the same guy--my boyfriend (soon to be husband?). As much as part of me would love to be dominated by one powerful, anonymous man after another, most of me knows that my happiness lies in a committed relationship.
I think my BF and I are both subs at heart, and we dominate each other as a favor--a little strange! It depends on our moods, as does the switching itself. After a good scene where he's topping me, sometimes he needs to relax into the bottom role at the end. It can be hard for me to come out of sub space, but it's like we have an intuitive knowledge of where we both are and whether we can make the switch. It's rarely uncomfortable. When I'm bottom, I turn myself over completely; when I'm topping, I know that I'm totally in control.
Secretly... my fantasy is for both of us to be dominated by a (non-switch) man or woman--I would love to have by hands tied, being forced to blow him while he's tied down! But there's only the tiniest chance we'd ever do that...
I agree with redEva in that I look for different qualities in each. I couldn't submit to someone I feel dominant over and vice versa.
I once had a thing with someone online where I started as the submissive one, but it quickly became clear that it wasn't the way we were meant to be and she gradually became submissive to me, that was quite interesting.
pixie_dust
06-23-2006, 12:10 AM
My situation is somewhat unusual. In our home, I am the mistress and my husband is the sub, and it works very well for us. He enjoys the mind control, bondage, and moderate pain. However, when we are online with others, the roles reverse. He takes over the dom role, and exercises humiliation and obediance; while I fulfill my desires as a sub, taking pleasure in obediance, punishment and verbal abuse. Are there any others who have situations similar to my own?
Silke
06-23-2006, 07:08 AM
:wel to the forums, pixie_dust....and great question! Do you have any idea why you only have those reversed roles in a different medium, i. e. online?
I hope you'll get some thoughts on this from the switches on the board. :)
pixie_dust
06-29-2006, 12:26 AM
Since my last post, my husband and I have discussed the unusualness of our situation. He and I have since taken on the roles which we have when in chat, and have discovered greater pleasure than we have known before. Our relationship has taken a very wonderful turn for the better, and are enjoying many new situations we never would have, had we not been a part of bdsmlibrary. :)
Silke
06-29-2006, 06:20 AM
Oh, congrats to you and your husband and thank you for keeping us up to date! I'm glad you found a new way to have fun. :)
Timberwolf
07-15-2006, 12:11 PM
In theory for real life, I'd love to meet a female switch and stick with one partner. I think that would be just about perfect if it happened.
Online, I've never done both Dom and sub with the same person. But I haven't played with many (open) switches.
Online, I've never done both Dom and sub with the same person. But I haven't played with many (open) switches.
That makes sense, as many have different names for their "alter egos". I know a switch with 3 different online names, each name has a distinct personality.
Wouldn't it be great to find you were switching with the same person?
Timberwolf
07-25-2006, 10:13 PM
"Wouldn't it be great to find you were switching with the same person?"
LOL Please pardon this outburst of crude language, but that would be the mindfuck of all time. And a highly pleasant surprise.
Nikita
07-27-2006, 08:14 PM
"Wouldn't it be great to find you were switching with the same person?"
LOL Please pardon this outburst of crude language, but that would be the mindfuck of all time. And a highly pleasant surprise.
Timberwolf,
I do switch with the same person, and yes, it is a total mindfuck, mostly good, but sometimes, not so good. It is a cyber relationship. But, because it is cyber, mentally, it is very intense experience. It takes us days to switch into our roles, perhaps because we play hard and frequently. :cool:
Ruby mentioned the use of 'alter egos' that switches use to box their roles. We each have our 'switch' names and it helps with the mindset. *gg*
Imo, switching with the same person in r/l would be very hard for me. I can't really give you a reason why. Maybe it is because I haven't done it.
Timberwolf
07-28-2006, 09:51 AM
I would love to find myself a female switch, but I agree switching with one person presents a degree of challenge. But then again, that could be part of the discipline of a D/s relationship, when it comes to being a switch. Some days you might feel more one way or the other, but perhaps you're stuck in the other role at the time, and the discipline is being what you'r esupposed to be at the moment.
I would love to find myself a female switch, but I agree switching with one person presents a degree of challenge. But then again, that could be part of the discipline of a D/s relationship, when it comes to being a switch. Some days you might feel more one way or the other, but perhaps you're stuck in the other role at the time, and the discipline is being what you'r esupposed to be at the moment.
Sir,
I am a female SwiTcH in my real life and I can tell you it's not that difficult or confusing at all. It helps that we both have stressful jobs and need to be very assertive at work, when we get home, He is usually Dom and me fiery, we clash, that leads to heated and aggressive passion and lust. Evolutionary theorists observe this behaviour in the animal kingdom - one of us will bear our necks to the the other, even though the fight to get to that state is as equally arousing as the willingness to submit or the victory of Domination itself.
Asia
xxx
Timberwolf
07-28-2006, 10:26 AM
Sounds to me like you've got a very interesting home life indeed. :cool:
Sounds to me like you've got a very interesting home life indeed. :cool:
It helps if he's not in an extreme Dom mood when it comes to housework though *winks*
Asia
xxx
Dundee
07-29-2006, 06:30 PM
Sir,
I am a female SwiTcH in my real life and I can tell you it's not that difficult or confusing at all. It helps that we both have stressful jobs and need to be very assertive at work, when we get home, He is usually Dom and me fiery, we clash, that leads to heated and aggressive passion and lust. Evolutionary theorists observe this behaviour in the animal kingdom - one of us will bear our necks to the the other, even though the fight to get to that state is as equally arousing as the willingness to submit or the victory of Domination itself.
Asia
xxx
Despite all your struggling (and I have to admit you looked really fired up and cute, even though I know you hate that word) :) you always ended up bearing your neck and boy, what a sensitive neck you have, all the better to hold you down and collar you with.:hubbahubb Your man is one lucky dude, send my regards :)
D
x
Amberxiao
01-30-2007, 10:15 PM
Well, I'm not very experienced, but so far, my ONLY practice has been switching with the same person. I had no problems with this, but I have a very strong need for balance AND a very high tolerance for ambiguity/paradox. There was one night when I went to bed after a very heated (sexually, not angrily) phone call, and imagined myself as both all night long, simultaneously.
So, that's my preference. There's something about the challenge itself in maintaining both roles with the same person that excites me. As well as the occasional skirmishes for dominance at a particular time/place.
I think there's a part of me that can't fully respect/give to someone who hasn't done the same for me. Being dominant without being dominated is a little easier, but eventually, I think I'd end up feeling guilty -- even *knowing* they liked/preferred it that way. And I've got a few fantasies that I'd miss experiencing.
moptop
02-21-2007, 04:08 PM
Ahh, this is so interesting, and so difficult. I am by nature a (serial) monogamist: I have intense relationships with one person, I love them, I expect them to love me, and for us to be completed in eachother. For whatever reasons, they tend to last about 5 years.
However, I am gradually coming to an awareness or suspicion of myself: whilst seeing myself as a sub, I seem to attract sub men. In the present relationship I`m in, I have been very much the sub, and he very much the Master; but he is now in love with another woman, to whom, he says, he feels he can submit completely (he`s said that to me: not to her); and certainly, given comments about whether I`d like him to lick my shoes and others, I had recognised some definite sub tendencies in him previously. This squiggles my brain: I don`t think we can switch in our relationship - he still considers himself the Master - although I would like to pick up redEva`s comment that it is a "privilege to be in place of power", and one that I feel he has abused (by taking me on and then dropping his dominion over me without thought or consideration of the consequences for me) - so I`m certainly considering presenting him with a switch in the relationship: but I`m not sure I`m truly capable of Domming, and I`m DEAD scared of it! Suspicion I may be very, very nasty underneath it all... But anyway - he is hurting me. I do not like him being with another person. I think maybe if we were all 3 of us able to work it together, I could actually cope, but him going between her and me, and expressing emotional preference (for her...) - how do you all manage it? I just don`t know how to share emotionally, and I wish I did, because it is very possible that he needs two different things, and needs them from two different people. I would like to be able to offer him that. Oh. Sounds like a sub speaking...
miss_sweetpea
08-08-2007, 04:44 AM
After several partners as a submissive, I turned switch with my current partner, and we have been monogamous for well over a year now. Sometimes I am more Domme than sub, other times we can switch easily in the same session. I can't say what it would be like to sub to one partner and Domme another because I've never tried it - but I understand that it can work quite well if the power exchange is what really drives your switchyness (is that a word?)
miss_sweetpea
Euryleia
08-09-2007, 06:29 PM
I, too, am a serial mongamist. I generally find that if one relationship has me on Top, I end up on the bottom for the next. I was lucky to have one where she and I would switch based on mood and how our day at work went.
Sometimes, it is hard to switch within the scene but some of the hottest scenes I've ever been in have been when the sub turns the tables on the domme and makes her take the role reversal and love it. Topping from below can be pretty hot!
Beswitchingly Positive
08-11-2007, 12:44 PM
Since my last post, my husband and I have discussed the unusualness of our situation. He and I have since taken on the roles which we have when in chat, and have discovered greater pleasure than we have known before. Our relationship has taken a very wonderful turn for the better, and are enjoying many new situations we never would have, had we not been a part of bdsmlibrary. :)
I found this to be most interesting. Does this mean the roles have been reversed, as in the chat, or that you are going back and forth now. Are you switching, or did you switch and stay?
That makes sense, as many have different names for their "alter egos". I know a switch with 3 different online names, each name has a distinct personality.
Wouldn't it be great to find you were switching with the same person?
Ruby, this made me laugh. Spoken like a true blue switch. I also read the comment you made about being able to switch with one partner but not with the other. I believe everyone is dominant to someone out there and vice versa. Also, people are always changing. It is rather nice when you find someone so close in nature to yourself that the switch feels natural. It really does seem to depend on the individual personalities involved.
Ahh, this is so interesting, and so difficult. I am by nature a (serial) monogamist: I have intense relationships with one person, I love them, I expect them to love me, and for us to be completed in eachother. For whatever reasons, they tend to last about 5 years.
However, I am gradually coming to an awareness or suspicion of myself: whilst seeing myself as a sub, I seem to attract sub men. In the present relationship I`m in, I have been very much the sub, and he very much the Master; but he is now in love with another woman, to whom, he says, he feels he can submit completely (he`s said that to me: not to her); and certainly, given comments about whether I`d like him to lick my shoes and others, I had recognised some definite sub tendencies in him previously. This squiggles my brain: I don`t think we can switch in our relationship - he still considers himself the Master - although I would like to pick up redEva`s comment that it is a "privilege to be in place of power", and one that I feel he has abused (by taking me on and then dropping his dominion over me without thought or consideration of the consequences for me) - so I`m certainly considering presenting him with a switch in the relationship: but I`m not sure I`m truly capable of Domming, and I`m DEAD scared of it! Suspicion I may be very, very nasty underneath it all... But anyway - he is hurting me. I do not like him being with another person. I think maybe if we were all 3 of us able to work it together, I could actually cope, but him going between her and me, and expressing emotional preference (for her...) - how do you all manage it? I just don`t know how to share emotionally, and I wish I did, because it is very possible that he needs two different things, and needs them from two different people. I would like to be able to offer him that. Oh. Sounds like a sub speaking...
Oh, moptop, I know this post is old and you are happier now. Reminded me the whole point for me is self control and not letting anyone make me feel crappy. If my lover was not valuing my gift of power or my taking, I would want to fix it or ditch him.
This post reminded me of my own power. The point for me is to find a fullfilling relationship. I could be mostly sub for the right person or mostly domme, but the essence of being a switch is that both ideas get me wet. So the best mate for me is another switch. I was in an open relationship, also was single and naughty for years...now, as I grow up and older, I find it very attractive to be monagamous, however being slightly bisexual, I honestly don't know if this is realistic...the perfect mate for me would at least be open to idea of another girl, at least as an experience.
The point is that people change and while right now I might feel monogamous, I know it could change. If it does I will be totally honest, and I would have to wiegh whether acting on the desire for a woman (or any other partner) is worth it.
I am feeling satisfyed by my man, and IF he is not pleased with the idea I could live without the girlfriend...if he ceased to satisfy me I might be more inclined to push him...if he is into the idea the fun could increase exponentially.
For me, it really does seem dependant on how much I care for my lover. Right now I am mad for him, he is a great source of joy for me, and if this continues we will cross that chasm when we get there.
I am open to all outcomes, keeping a very open mind and a flexible attitude seems to be part of the switchy way...so how's this for an answer to the original question posted, if I am in a serious relationship, it could be open or closed as long as the arrangement was good for everyone.
It is totally dependant on the dynamic between everyone; the girl that likes me likes it when I take a doninant attitude with her, yet she wants me to teach her to dominate men, but nothing sexual has become physical, it is all mental and emotional and my sweetie knows we are best friends and we love each other...
My sweetie is the dominant one, but sometimes he needs a break and asks me to take over, so in a sense I am submitting to his wishes but I also feel that if I ever needed to dominate him he would let me. We switch sometimes in the the same session...fuck the other day we seemed to pull off doing both at once, it was great! It was the perfect transition, I finally untied him, I had him by one arm and he managed to pin one of mine, no wait my arm was occupied by holding him, and he got me with those wicked nice legs of his...we somehow managed to hold each other down and tried to out twist each other's nipples...both making aggressive sexy comments and also very submissively taking pain at the same time...either of us could have easily used our free sides for self defense but instead we were both wanting the pain...and could not stop laughing in between shrieks of pain...then he took charge again. G-d, I love that man.
All permutations are possible, if you can think of it, it can happen, so I believe the answer is that answers may vary!
BP
Noontide
08-13-2007, 02:07 PM
Sir,
I am a female SwiTcH in my real life and I can tell you it's not that difficult or confusing at all. It helps that we both have stressful jobs and need to be very assertive at work, when we get home, He is usually Dom and me fiery, we clash, that leads to heated and aggressive passion and lust. Evolutionary theorists observe this behaviour in the animal kingdom - one of us will bear our necks to the the other, even though the fight to get to that state is as equally arousing as the willingness to submit or the victory of Domination itself.
Asia
xxx
asia, was just browsing this thread when i read the above. you certainly touched something deep with those words!!!!! got me thinking!!!! i'm new to the forum and to bdsm and feel like a sub and yet dont!! so i started looking at switch questions and found your words!!! glad you shared and glad that i read...
Moonraker
11-17-2007, 03:17 AM
For me it depends on the character of the partner so it's dom or sub depending on who. So invariably this means different roles for different partners. But if there is that rare creature the female switch then it would depend on mood, just like what to have for dinner tonght.
Faibhar
12-14-2007, 09:54 PM
I was remarkably lucky to come across another both masochistically and sadistically inclined. So, in answer to the original query, I would have to say that monogamy is preferred.
I'm polyamorous, and don't like to switch with the same person. Lately I've found that my first impulse when flirting with a new person is to go for the dominant role, and if they resist that then I might end up being submissive with them. :)
ive never switched and know nothing about it it's been really interesting reading this thread,
im curious about it,ive seen Dom/mes in TPE r/ships talk about being masochistic and having their subs Top them in scenes ,what happens afterwards regaining the balance?
Zelezniy
05-11-2008, 11:40 PM
Oh defiantly! Straight and Mono. It's a common misconception that all switches are just sex hungry perverts (in some cases it's true :D) and screw everything in sight. I would not be happy to be stuck in one role and I can not be a servant to two masters in a manner of speaking.
ashtonDs
05-24-2008, 12:43 PM
Originally posted by Zelezniy:
all switches are just sex hungry perverts (in some cases it's true ) and screw everything in sight
Is this kinda the same as saying that all Dom/mes will screw anything that will Sir or Ma'am them, or subs will beg to cum with anything that barks orders at them? (Hmm, there's a couple of good points there. I'll have to think this over, twice...) lol
Serously, the one thing you quickly realize when reading a thread like this is that everyone has their own personal preferences.
To answer the original question, I have to have one partner who I really care about, and I don't care who starts out on top or bottom, or who ends up on bottom or top. For me it's all about the relationship.
ashtonDs
05-24-2008, 12:54 PM
Oh yeah I almost forgot.
Originally posted by icey:
ive seen Dom/mes in TPE r/ships talk about being masochistic and having their subs Top them in scenes
From what I understand, what often happens is that the Dom/me has to turn the tables, regaining the upper hand to end the scene thereby putting the relationship back on it's proper course.
But hey, what do I know? I'm just a switch. If it was me, and I got topped, we'd have a nice cuddle and fall asleep together dreaming of next time when the tables might be turned. ahhhh :)
I would say that if you have a loving rel, then you can switch rolls. but why would you want to. I not much of a dom person do i would not know what to do if he wanted that.
bgirl1987
06-21-2008, 10:33 PM
I don't know exactly where I fall in all of this... but my ONE partner and I switch roles. More often, I'm dominant and he's submissive but we change it up. I am a one person kinda girl, so I don't think I could do it any other way.
fetishdj
06-22-2008, 02:21 AM
When I was a Switch, I found that the women I was attracted to as Tops were firmly in the Dominant category and I could not consider them ever changing (nor could they). Equally, those I approached as subs were definitely subs and were certainly less dominant than I am and again they would not change.
My personal opinion (based on years of observation) is that all humans (even vanilla ones) fall somewhere on a scale between submissive and dominant (the proportions being similar to a normal distribution if anyone knows what one of those is). Whether you are able to sub for someone or dom for them depends on where they are on that scale relative to you. So if they are more sub you dom them, more dom you sub for them. The main point of my theory is that EVERYONE is a switch because unless you are at the very extremes there is always going to be someone more dominant or submissive than you.
I've been in a number of relationships with switches (oddly mostly vanilla relationships with some bdsm play included) where we would oscillate between being submissive and dominant. In at least one case there was a rota :) This was mainly because neither of us were more dominant than the other and it showed because we could never decide who was in charge so we have to enforce it.
voxelectronica
11-08-2008, 01:31 PM
I don't know switches in real life so I got really excited reading this.
I didn't know switches have other online personalities. I've been doing that since i was a teen. I would get on IRC and pretend to be a boy and Dom all the subs I knew without them knowing. I would know who would do what in real life and how to get them to do more because they would tell me as a sub. (yeah yeah i was 17 i know it's kinda silly). It's really nice to know that other people do that.
To answer the question though... I can't switch my Dom's and subs. It's to mental for me someone would have to be perfect Dom and perfect sub for me to be mono with them and honestly I haven't found perfection... yet?
Apexsandman
12-28-2009, 09:48 PM
Well, for me, the ideal situation would be to meet a female switch who enjoyed both roles, as I do, and we developed a natural flow, taking on either role as we desired together. I think I would enjoy that very much. All great scenes depend on a lot of mutual trust and understanding. That takes time to build, no matter what kind of relationship you are in.
Misato36
05-30-2010, 10:47 AM
After three partners as a submissive and one as a dominant, I still prefer one partner to several.
steelish
06-03-2010, 08:26 AM
I am submissive towards my husband (Forge) and won't switch with him. He is my Master. If we were to play with others, he would likely control everything, or possibly allow me to indulge in my "other side" and dominate another submissive.