Dominance vs. Sadism

[BisMe]

This is one for any D on the board:

I am clearly a dom (no interests in the sub side at all) but I also am really not turned on by treating someone sadistically for my own gratification. At the same time, I am perfectly happy to cause someone pain or do semi-sadistic things IF they are into that kind of thing. It is incredibly important for me to know a subs likes/dislikes, because what turns me on is typically dominating the other person in a way that turns that person on.

My question -- is this a fairly common thing, or different from the mindset that other people have when approaching their D side (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

The issue came up a while back when I was chatting w/a sub who clearly was willing to do ANYTHING that pleased me, but who was unable to express anything that pleased her or that she didn't like. She was truly the type who got off on pleasing me, regardless of what it was, but claimed to have no personal preferences at all. I was confused by this for a while, and then realized why it caused me a problem. Just wanted to see if others have had similar circumstances/experiences.

Thanks!

[Ruby]

Yes, I've had similar experiences.

While in my books, I may write some harsh S/M, in real life, I prefer sensual domming over my pet as opposed to causing him pain.

When we first started playing, Nat had a very difficult time. He wanted to please me so much, that he wouldn't tell me if he was uncomfortable or would want to stay in bongage that I knew was hurting him, cause he thought it was what I wanted.

We used an activity checklist to discuss the difference between fantasy and real life play. Over a number of sessions, it became very apparent that he did indeed have preferences and once he realized I wanted the truth, he was more inclined to discuss them.

Similar conversations to the one below start to happen when the sub understands that the dom values their wants and needs:

"Pet, what would please you right now?"

"Seriously? What I want or am I to guess what you want?"

"What you want."

"I want to go finish my sandwich and take a nap."

[Tojo]

I liken a D/s relationship to a 'straight' one. How can you possible please your partner unless you know what they want?
There's two roads here, either a Dom/me can please themselves & do what they like with their sub, with no thought of the sub's needs.
Or they can realise that there's two people in the relationship, make that clear to the sub & find out somehow what they want, both in the short term & the long term.
When all is said & done Bis Me, you are in control. You can make it work however you want, if you wish to know what pleases/displeases a sub, it's up to you to find out.
Myself, I do this to bring happiness to my girl- I can't do it unless I know what she wants.
Sounds to me like we're on the same wavelength- all I can say is do it your way, to hell with the rules!

Tojo