True likes/dislikes?

[Silke]

Hi everyone,

I wonder whether you can help me with something that's been spinning in my mind for a while. Last night I was discussing BDSM likes and dislikes with a friend and we both found it surprisingly hard to come up with a list that was free of any "it's hot because I know it pleases my Dom/me" issue. It's not a big thing really, unless your Dom asks you about what you like or what might be a struggle...and you're stuck for answers.

I remember being asked what I would absolutely refuse to do and that was fairly easy, telling me that my hard limits are somewhat more salient for me. The same goes for things that get me hot instantly, they just spring to mind and the only hesitation there would be to talk about it. ;)

What I'm aiming at with my question is NOT those hard limits/definite kinks, but more the soft limits or the grey area between those and the hotties. Whenever I get questions about those, I just don't know what to say. Yes, some of those activities do get me aroused, but is it because I like it or because I know it pleases my Dom, gets him hot? Does it matter at all? *giggles* Or am I just making something out of nothing? lol

Does anyone have similar difficulties? Have you found a way of probing your heart more effectively? Does it even matter to you? Am I thinking too much? ;)

Any thoughts are welcome.

[Qmoq]

Ummm I'm not sure! I love your coy way of writing, unfortunately it's too coy for me to get the gist of what you mean.

It sounds damn cute though, and if the grey area includes coating your body in something sticky, I'd go for it.

Q xxx

[Silke]

lol, Qmoq...I guess that would fall into the hot activities. ;)

Ok, an attempt to clarify: I find it hard to rate BDSM activities, because whenever I do, I seem to take into account what my Dom likes (and which in turn makes me hot just because he gets off on it). And after that happens I find it hard to say whether it was an activity that I enjoyed - just for the sake of it - or whether it didn't do anything for me apart from the pleasure I derived from pleasing my Dom.

Sounds as warped? Ok, just to let you in on something...I end up with a HUGE list of desires and likes and just a minimum of hard limits. And really - I'm a newbie, not the kinkiest of all people walking the earth and generally a shy person - THIS CAN'T BE TRUE! That's what has me thinking...

Make any more sense? ;)

[arwcuw]

I guess in this respect I'm fortunate, not only among kinkies but among "normal" people too: I've been single for all my teen years, and have spent a lot of time exploring my sexuality solo, so I have a very good idea of what I like regardless of who I'll end up with in the future. I've heard of people who don't know who they are because they've never been single for any length of time, and always form their identity (at least partially) on what their partner likes. It's not a problem exclusive to submissives.

Of course, I know there are partner activities that I won't know if I like until I try them, but I'm good enough at reading myself that I'm sure I'll be able to tell the difference between my pleasure and my partner's.

[Ozme52]

Why differentiate? If your partner's reaction makes it hot for you... there's no better result?

Now I really like giving a woman an orgasm... whether she wants it or not... and believe me... not all of them do... and most don't want the 7th or 8th consecutive orgasm.

That's when it's the best.

:exellent1 :evil:

[Silke]

Yeah, I know what you mean, arwcuw...been there, too. And yes, for 'normal' sexy stuff it's been like that for me also. It's the new things...stuff I haven't tried before that I find hard to place. And yeah, you might have a point there that the new things I try are considerably influenced by what my partner likes. Maybe that isn't even that much of an issue...*ponders*. Food for thought...:)

[Silke]

lol, Ozme....I wouldn't mind trying that. ;)

[Ozme52]

lol, Ozme....I wouldn't mind trying that. ;)

Next time you visit the new world, let me know. :noprobs:

[Silke]

NZ was top on my list but that offer is just too tempting...;)

[Scorpio'sWill2Power]

Probably the most telling way is for each individual
to judge for themselves the results of any particular
activity.

What did it do for me, would I do it again?

In some instances depending on the people involved,
pushing that envelope can be somewhat cathartic.

It often helps to expand your horizons to truly know how far
you're willing to go and if it's something that makes you go
damn, I should have tried this sooner.

For me I like taking things to the edge, maybe tipping the
scale so I'm just over the edge from time to time. Doing
so but still maintaining a sense of what's what and keeping
in mind the other person and our personal safety.

If a person is able to reach out a little to understand
themselves better than I think something important has
been achieved.

It helps even more to know you have someone there with you.

That when you do want to go beyond, reach new heights, that
there is someone there to catch you before you fall.

[Silke]

The starting point of my question was probably that I was surprised to see how many things I'd be willing to try and also, having tried a few thing I never thought I would - being surprised to find them hot. There's a thread over at your forum, Scorpio, (SSP for those who are curious) about living out your fantasies and how far you'd be willing to go. And sometimes I just wonder about exactly that...how far am I willing to go with the right person? My own guess so far is 'pretty damn far' since even the things I used to dread have ended up making me wet. Sometimes I look at that and freak, lol. It can be a scary thing to see yourself for what you are when you never really took the time and effort to really look before. ;)

That said, I'm getting to a point where I think it's a hell of an adventure as long as I'm with someone who I trust with all my heart to leave any hard limits out of the game. Knowing that helps me to enjoy the ride in the grey zone, pushing the soft limits and seeing where the journey will lead to.

[her_Joe]

... I think it's a hell of an adventure as long as I'm with someone who I trust with all my heart to leave any hard limits out of the game. Knowing that helps me to enjoy the ride in the grey zone, pushing the soft limits and seeing where the journey will lead to.

This was the point I was going to make. And the same as the post by Oz. There are a huge range of reasons to enjoy an activity ... not sure it matters why you do enjoy it.

I wonder if what you're really asking (yourself) is: am I still an alright person because I would enjoy ________? Or: is it okay for me to do something so weird for -_____ and to enjoy it?

In both cases, as well as in what you said, I would say YES ... for a different answer, as your mom, or a pastor, or .... you know.

hJ

[Silke]

Yes, her_Joe...you might have a point there. I like to think I don't give too much on societies opinions on what's appropriate behaviour or not...but it could well be there still. And it's good to have a family here that gives me some perspective and acceptance. I don't think I'd even come this far if it hadn't been for all of you here...:)

[wingsofanangel]

I absolutey LOVE suctioning.... LOVE LOVE LOVE! it just feels soooooo amazing. LOVE IT.

I HATE having all of my senses being taken away... being tied, blindfolded, gagged, and not being able to hear... or even sometimes WITH being able to hear... I hate it.

Honestly, it scares me to death. I know it takes a lot of trust and perhaps one day I will trust someone enough to do that. But it takes a really REALLY amazing Dom to be able to read a sub... even when she cannot talk, show him her eyes, or move her body... I am completley petrafied of this. I would try it if my Dom asked.... but I would make sure there was some sort of way... some sort of signal I could give him..


Anya

[fantassy]

most don't want the 7th or 8th consecutive orgasm. :exellent1 :evil:

Really ???? Then this must be yet another area in which I am weird. :4:

fantassy

[Ozme52]

Originally Posted by Ozme52
most don't want the 7th or 8th consecutive orgasm.


Really ???? Then this must be yet another area in which I am weird.

fantassy..

You must have fantastic stamina fantassy. weg

[Ozme52]

I absolutey LOVE suctioning.... LOVE LOVE LOVE! it just feels soooooo amazing. LOVE IT.

I HATE having all of my senses being taken away... being tied, blindfolded, gagged, and not being able to hear... or even sometimes WITH being able to hear... I hate it.

Anya


Imagine a cupping session while hooded and cut off from other sensory input....

[Warbaby1943]

My own guess so far is 'pretty damn far' since even the things I used to dread have ended up making me wet. Sometimes I look at that and freak, lol. It can be a scary thing to see yourself for what you are when you never really took the time and effort to really look before. ;)


Don't you think pressing or extending your limits is partially due to gaining experience and confidence plus ultimate trust in your Dom? I feel certain you would back off your limits somewhat if you were just getting acquainted with a new Dom. The activities probably would still make you wet but with someone new you may be understandably apprehensive at first. This, at least, would be my way of thinking. :sado:

[wingsofanangel]

Imagine a cupping session while hooded and cut off from other sensory input....


i got serious chills reading that.. I dunno how I'd feel about that... -whimpers-

Anya

[Silke]

Don't you think pressing or extending your limits is partially due to gaining experience and confidence plus ultimate trust in your Dom? I feel certain you would back off your limits somewhat if you were just getting acquainted with a new Dom. The activities probably would still make you wet but with someone new you may be understandably apprehensive at first. This, at least, would be my way of thinking. :sado:

Yes, very valid point and I think I agree. That's probably why I was so confused at the time when I started this thread. There's a huge difference in what I personally like, what I enjoy doing for my Master and what I'd do for let's say a Taskmaster at the Academy. And this might have piled up to some chaos in my mind. ;)

Thanks to all of you who have replied...it's another piece of the puzzle that's a little closer to being figured out for me. :)

[Ozme52]

i got serious chills reading that.. I dunno how I'd feel about that... -whimpers-

Anya


Wicked? Who!! Me?

[wingsofanangel]

-pouts more-

stop that


Anya

[Ozme52]

-pouts more-

stop that


Anya

Only if you get on your knees and ask nicely. :crawlgirl

[cariad]

Now I really like giving a woman an orgasm... whether she wants it or not... and believe me... not all of them do... and most don't want the 7th or 8th consecutive orgasm.

:exellent1 :evil:


Can I have their's pretty please.

[cariad]

What I'm aiming at with my question is NOT those hard limits/definite kinks, but more the soft limits or the grey area between those and the hotties. Whenever I get questions about those, I just don't know what to say. Yes, some of those activities do get me aroused, but is it because I like it or because I know it pleases my Dom, gets him hot? Does it matter at all? *giggles* Or am I just making something out of nothing? lol.


If you are in a relationship of any sort the other person's reaction is crucial, and cannot image many things exciting me much as a solo activity.

My arousal for any activity is something like (my own interest in the activity) x 2(my partner's interest in it). If either are zero then forget it, if both are high then ....YIPPPEEEEEEE!

Although just to make the maths slightly more complex - and am too distracted now by thoughts of sensory deprivation to work out the equation - over a period of time having a great time with one particular activity will effect my own interest level so there is scope of for an exponentially orgasmic curve!

cariad

[maddie]

I'm the opposite of WingsofanAngel -- sensory deprivation is high on my list of likes, but then I'm more into bondage than D/s or SM, so that might be why.

I guess that as long as there's some balace between what's pleasurable for me and for my husband and neither of us feels compelled to do something we truly don't want to do, then we're doing well. The trick is making sure that something one person finds pleasurable but the other doesn't isn't so distasteful that the second person can't enjoy the first person's pleasure.

[Silke]

My arousal for any activity is something like (my own interest in the activity) x 2(my partner's interest in it). If either are zero then forget it, if both are high then ....YIPPPEEEEEEE!

...over a period of time having a great time with one particular activity will effect my own interest level so there is scope of for an exponentially orgasmic curve!

lol, love that orgasmic maths...guess my teachers should have used that as an example. *grins* And there's a lot of good stuff in that equation...:D

[Silke]

The trick is making sure that something one person finds pleasurable but the other doesn't isn't so distasteful that the second person can't enjoy the first person's pleasure.

Yes, maddie, I'd agree...that would be my difference between pushing a soft limit vs trying to get at hard limits.

lol, and the 'first person's pleasure' seems to be a major turn on for me...I even get off on the distasteful stuff then. ;)

.....mmmhh.....sensory deprivation....been dreaming about that ever since reading about some of Timothy Leary's experiments in the sixties....*sighs*

[fantassy]

Now I really like giving a woman an orgasm... whether she wants it or not... and believe me... not all of them do... and most don't want the 7th or 8th consecutive orgasm.


Oz, are you sure your sub's aren't pulling your leg? "Oh no, Master, PLEEAAASSSSE don't give me ANOTHER Orgasm!" Do you notice your subs often doing stuff that will result in punishment? :4:

[Tae'lyn]

This thread got me thinking about what really motivates either of us into our likes and dislikes. I believe many of my gray area type activities have become serious turn ons. My dom has slowly brought out those needs or desires, like someone testing the waters to see what would be a turn on. But were these underlying, just waiting to be brought out? Or are they are turn on for me, because it pleases him?

What I found myself wondering was, how does he feel about these activities? Perhaps it is he that participates in them, not for his pleasure necessarily, but for the pleasure in knowing what it does to me.

Course does it really matter at all? Especially if we are enjoying each other?

Sorry for sounding philosophical, just pondering our reasons behind it all :)

Tae'lyn

[Silke]

Oooohh - that's exactly where I got stuck and for probably the same philosophical ideas! Now I don't feel alone anymore! *giggles* And yeah, I came to the same last question...not sure it matters in a practical way, but it's an interesting mind game to play through. Thank you so much for that post, Tae'lyn. *hugs* :)

[Tae'lyn]

Oooohh - that's exactly where I got stuck and for probably the same philosophical ideas!

We could really get confused if we consider that maybe neither of us enjoy the activity technically, but both do it within the moment assuming it is pleasing to the other.

Just one happy cycle of fun. Course I believe my dom knows me so well he could tell the difference between a moan of pleasure and one of mild interest. Even when I think they sound identical :)

Tae'lyn

[Silke]

LMAO....now that's funny!!! :D

But yeah, I hope he can tell the difference - big advantage when you can actually see, feel and hear each other *grins*...it's a bit more confusing when you're online and have to search your mind and body for some reasonable feedback to give and then he has to make sense out of it. ;)

[Tae'lyn]

:)

[Tae'lyn]

big advantage when you can actually see, feel and hear each other *grins*...it's a bit more confusing when you're online and have to search your mind and body for some reasonable feedback to give and then he has to make sense out of it. ;)

My dom and I actually met online a few years back, and not in a place I ever thought I would find someone to date, let alone give myself to: an online video game. :cool: So I can totally relate to the confusion of online.

I do believe though that my dom knows me as well as he does because of the patience he had in learning everything about me piece by piece. Whether it was through chat, email, phone, webcam or any other possible medium we could use to get to know each other, he could explore through my fantasies and learn my limits before ever touching me in person.

It made for a much more comfortable initial meeting, knowing he knew me so well was scary emotionally, but fulfilling in the most wonderful ways.

Tae'lyn

[Tae'lyn]

Excuse my technical difficulties <wrinkles her nose>

[GoddessGiana]

Actually, I am quite enjoying the philosophical spin of this thread! Tae'lyn really hits on a good point in discussing those "gray area activities" and her experiences with them. I think in some ways, the art of being a good dom/me lies within his or her ability to work within those "gray areas" and use her creativity and thoughtfulness to create an activity that allows her sub to move past such boundaries at a safe and comfortable pace.

It could be, as Tae'lyn mentions, that these stem from underlying desires or needs. I tend to think that this is the case in a great deal of scenarios. And of course, the ulimate reward is knowing that you have pleased your dom/me.

Psychology will tell us that none of us does anything that he or she on some level does not really want to do. Learning what truly motivates each of us is the beautifully, complex and unique aspect that makes it even more delicious!

Great thread everyone!

Giana


This thread got me thinking about what really motivates either of us into our likes and dislikes. I believe many of my gray area type activities have become serious turn ons. My dom has slowly brought out those needs or desires, like someone testing the waters to see what would be a turn on. But were these underlying, just waiting to be brought out? Or are they are turn on for me, because it pleases him?

What I found myself wondering was, how does he feel about these activities? Perhaps it is he that participates in them, not for his pleasure necessarily, but for the pleasure in knowing what it does to me.

Course does it really matter at all? Especially if we are enjoying each other?

Sorry for sounding philosophical, just pondering our reasons behind it all :)

Tae'lyn

[Silke]

Is it really an underlying need, though, that's triggered...or more the general dynamic of a D/s relationship? I mean, even the most mundane activities or things I really don't enjoy outside of this context become sexually charged and a big turn on when doing it for my Master. I'm pretty sure there's no underlying need or desire to do those things in and out of themselves, but it's the thought of doing it for him, of pleasing him, and the way he associates them with pleasure, that creates this desire in me.

It's interesting to look at how this works...blows my mind every time - ESPECIALLY when there are activities involved that make me go 'what the fuck is wrong with me for enjoying this?'. It makes me laugh...and makes me realize how much power he has over me and my reactions.

[pixie_dust]

While I have only recently discovered the pleasures of being in a D/s relationship, I can fully agree with the psychological aspect that you are referring to. Just thinking about the "mundane tasks" you speak about (before beginning them), I experience a great amount of excitement and stimulation. And I am amazed at how much more enjoyable they are to do, knowing that I am doing them to please my Master.

[Silke]

Just thinking about the "mundane tasks" you speak about (before beginning them), I experience a great amount of excitement and stimulation. And I am amazed at how much more enjoyable they are to do, knowing that I am doing them to please my Master.

Yeah, I'm with you, pixie_dust. :) Lol, and excitement and stimulation with mundane tasks like chores - what an achievement! I don't think I'll ever turn into a wife out of the 50's, though, no matter how much that might please a Dom. *chuckles*

[Warbaby1943]

I don't think I'll ever turn into a wife out of the 50's, though, no matter how much that might please a Dom. *chuckles*
That ain't all bad!!!! I spent an entire decade in the 50s. One good thing I do recall is that most mothers I knew back then didn't work outside the home. It could become one of your "likes.":wave:

[Avralivia]

Really ???? Then this must be yet another area in which I am weird. :4:

fantassy


hehe me too, the more he makes me come the better, I find it very hard to have the first orgasm, but by the time im on my third they just flow ;)

[Silke]

That ain't all bad!!!! I spent an entire decade in the 50s. One good thing I do recall is that most mothers I knew back then didn't work outside the home. It could become one of your "likes."

What could become one of my likes? Being a housewife? I think I'm not the type...hell, I'm not even the motherly type, lol. But if someone chooses that life and dedicates his/her life to the family and is happy with that...I think that's wonderful. :)