How do you know what you are?

[Warbaby1943]

The quote from Submissive Wife in another thread was, “It’s all in the mind of the submissive and how she looks at the act.” This got me to wondering again. I get dangerous when that happens.

I have learned from this forum that there are such things as switches. I never heard of that before let alone even considered being one.

When I joined this forum I was definitely a submissive by all standards and that was what was in my mind and what I wanted to be. If it is true that it is all in the mind, (let’s substitute person here for “her) of the person, than I am now wondering if I am no longer leaning more towards the submissive side as I am toward the dominate side. I don’t know if I like that for a couple reasons.

First and foremost I never before thought about being in control all the time and don’t know if I would really like that position. No experience or ideas of how to execute from that position.

Second, I have always fantasized about me being in the submissive position. That makes it relatively easy to search the Internet and find a professional Dominant Mistress, my only choice because it ain’t gonna happen in real life for me. Anyway, now with these dominate thoughts I am concerned because I have never run across a site that advertises that you can pay to torture a female professional in a professional dungeon. I really don’t know what I’d want to do even if I found such a place.

I know some here have experience from both sides of the D/s. What makes the ultimate decision for you or do you continue swinging both ways?

What a dilemma. Any thoughts?

[submissivewife]

I can't speak for switches. BUT, for me, I have always wanted to be submissive. I desire to be controlled. For a dominant, they like control and desire to be in control (from my understanding). For switches, as I have become to understand, they are submissive to some and feel dominant to another OR they wish to play the part of a submissive or dominant in a scene and then take the role of the opposite in another scene. (I hope you understand what I am saying.)

[Warbaby1943]

I can't speak for switches. BUT, for me, I have always wanted to be submissive. I desire to be controlled. For a dominant, they like control and desire to be in control (from my understanding). For switches, as I have become to understand, they are submissive to some and feel dominant to another OR they wish to play the part of a submissive or dominant in a scene and then take the role of the opposite in another scene. (I hope you understand what I am saying.)
submissivewife,
I do understand what you're saying. The problem, as I see it, is one of these feelings eventually must take precedence. Maybe I'm totally off base but I can't fantasize both ways. Could certainly be due to lack of experience on my end.

[_ID_]

Well you know what makes her feel submissive, as me for the Dom, and why I feel like I do.

I enjoy the control, I enjoy the ability to put her mind somewhere that without drugs or alchohol she wouldn't be able to be. I enjoy being able to bring her out of that, and then drop her back into it simply with how I use a crop or flogger or even my palm for that matter. There is also how she speaks to me, how she reacts around me, how she speaks about me to others.

I once knew a person (called himself Dom, but I think he wasn't) that said something quite prophetic I thought. "If you ask me to tell you if your submissive or not, your submissive. If you ask me if your Dom or not, your submissive" What he was getting at is Dom's will tend to be Dom without wondering. There is a reverse side of this thinking. Many Dom's in the "Old Guard" or "Letherman" era had to be submissive before they were able to consider becoming Dom. This was two fold, and if you go to wikipedia and read about it, you can find out why. I won't try and educate you on that.

So, as to your question, are you Dom or are you sub, or are you Switch? The best way to find out is to try it out. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

[Tojo]

This reminds me of a conversation with a young lady who identifies as a lesbian & was worried that she was attracted to a guy.

I said that it doesn't matter what you are so much, as how you feel.

I can't see it's so hard to be submissive one day, & Dom the next. It depends on who you're with in my opinion. I see tall stately women dressed appropriately in pics sometimes & think 'Hmm'. Cannot imagine kneeling down for one, mind you- but their obvious power is a turn on.

I have a problem saying 'I'm a Dom'- I'd much rather say 'I love being in control'

Tojo

[His_pita]

I'm a total submissive with switch tendencies. That means my personality is submissive. My sexual taste are mostly submissive also. However, I can see the appeal of being the one in control and domming over someone that I felt I could handle.

My Sir and I have talked of switching with each other and on a purely sexual level I think it would be fun. I'm not ready to take the lead just yet and I'm not sure he is ready to let go of control. But, someday we will give it a whirl and see how the other side lives.

[Warbaby1943]

IDCrewDawd,

I once knew a person (called himself Dom, but I think he wasn't) that said something quite prophetic I thought. "If you ask me to tell you if your submissive or not, your submissive. If you ask me if your Dom or not, your submissive" What he was getting at is Dom's will tend to be Dom without wondering.

Interesting! Sort of like if you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. I believe you have spoken a truth that can't be ignored.

[pejanon]

I am a switch - at least that is the label.

Why? Honestly, I do not know - that is just who I am and what I do.

I am primarly a Dom (and I am not too happy about that label, either.) As IDCrewDawg put it "Dom's will tend to be Dom without wondering" - that is almost always my first reflex and I have maching basic personality.

It takes special person to trigger subimissive refex in me (It is ALWAYS about persons!). The need and occasioanal fanstizing and play are alway there but the REAL need rises only occasianaly. When I sub i want to be VERY submissive ,,,, even if i do not always succed.

So, there is no 'ultimate decission' for me. I am BOTH. Except that word BOTH is misleading ... I am never both at the same time. It is either or tye of thing.

I switch with the sae person now (and she is lovely person!) There are problems with logistics and synchronisation, of course, but there is no problem with actual switching - I have accepted myself as such.

There are various ways to explore this besides visiting a pro. Making fantasies more tangible and plastic - perhaps writing them down, on line play etc...

But you have to try it one way or another. And in my opinion exprlorin dominant side will not 'diminish' subimissive one. On the contrary.

[Alex Bragi]

Hi Warbaby.

Yes, a good question to which I don't really have an answer. Check out Nikita's responses here (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=4585). As usual, she makes some excellent observatons.

[Ruby]

I know some here have experience from both sides of the D/s. What makes the ultimate decision for you or do you continue swinging both ways?

What a dilemma. Any thoughts?

I switch therefore I am.

Enjoying both my miss and pet roles,
I get to have my cake, have it served to me and serve it, too.

The ultimate decision for me is to be who I am.
If I didn't enjoy either role, then I wouldn't take it on.

When I write or fantasize, I'm often in both roles at the same time, taking and giving, giving and receiving with my characters.

When reading or looking at pictures, I can picture myself in either d/s role.

In real life, I can switch roles in seconds, depending on the needs, wants and desires of my partner.

Yes, it's true, if both partners are switches, they can change roles in the middle of a play session.

There are professionals who will play the part of the submissive to please their clients.

It's not always about torture or tying someone up. Often times, its about those forceful commands, that can help the collective you - and not anyone in particular - take charge. Little things like holding your partners hands in yours, telling them what to do instead of asking, telling them what you're going to do to them, put you into the topping/dom role. If it turns both you and your partner on, then hey, by all means continue.

A note of caution: what turns a person on in fantasy, may not turn them on in real life. It's important to be aware of your partner at all times when you are in the top/dom role and make sure that the playtime stays just that.

[Alex Bragi]

Exactly what Ruby said. :)

[Warbaby1943]

A note of caution: what turns a person on in fantasy, may not turn them on in real life. It's important to be aware of your partner at all times when you are in the top/dom role and make sure that the playtime stays just that.

Thanks everyone.

Ruby,

Truer words were never spoken. I did experience this just recently. Although I did enjoy myself, what I thought would turn me on and what I had fantasized about wasn't doing it. Something clear out of the blue that I hadn't even thought about before did it but we have already discussed that in another thread.

[her_Joe]

I'm repeating what several others have said better -- I'm dominant because I'm old as dirt and have no idea how else to feel. Oh, I can "fake" submission -- and want to give it a try because I think the experience will make me a better dominant -- but my instincts are always to control ... and when they're not (on occasion) I enjoy letting someone else lead for, oh, maybe 30 seconds.

her_Joe

[Ozme52]

Warbaby, I'm just going to take a shot in the dark... When a man feels he's a submissive yet wonders if he may "secretly" be dominant (or a switch tending to dominance,) it's usually because of societal upbringing and gender roles.

Go with your first instincts. If you meet someone who draws you into a dominant role, that's different... but I suggest you don't confuse yourself with self doubts which may be based strictly in the traditional gender roles laid onto your psyche. Being a warbaby, you were raised in an era that resulted in an overly male dominating society.

[submissivewife]

I enjoy letting someone else lead for, oh, maybe 30 seconds.

her_Joe

*cough* That long? ;)

[Warbaby1943]

Warbaby, I'm just going to take a shot in the dark... When a man feels he's a submissive yet wonders if he may "secretly" be dominant (or a switch tending to dominance,) it's usually because of societal upbringing and gender roles.

Go with your first instincts. If you meet someone who draws you into a dominant role, that's different... but I suggest you don't confuse yourself with self doubts which may be based strictly in the traditional gender roles laid onto your psyche. Being a warbaby, you were raised in an era that resulted in an overly male dominating society.
Ozme52,

Thanks for the advise and I do believe there is a lot of truth to what you say. When I was a child the mothers were homemakers and the fathers were the king of there castles and the only bread winners in the household. I remember it well. I also think in many ways things were much better back in the day. That being said, nostalgia is done for now.

Still, I think I am reading too much and I have discovered the miracle of the Internet in that I see a lot of women being dominated by their Doms. This is exciting while on the other hand I also see many pictures of Mistresses dominating males and, again, this is also very stimulating.

I think my newness to all this is taking its toll on my imagination. However, I have to agree with you about going with my first instincts and that is of submission. In addition, it is much easier to buy that type of scene or action, whatever you want to call it.

When I did visit a professional it was very difficult to relate to her what I was looking for in my visit with her, and they do ask you this question. I found myself listing things that she advertised as actions she enjoyed doing or things she couldn't get enough of. I can't even imagine what I would be able to come up with if I were to be in the dominate position of a scene.

As it stands now, I'm certain I will never find out if I could handle the dominate position, and I am fine with that.

Again, thank you.

[Tojo]

As it stands now, I'm certain I will never find out if I could handle the dominate position, and I am fine with that.

I'm reminded of the Rod Stewart song 'The Killing Of Georgie'

"never wait or hesitate, get in kid b4 it's too late"

We won't be on this earth forever- I had a few mates never even made it to 20. You've got to damn well do what you can when you get the chance.

As for the men being in charge back in those days- geez you guys have been fooled- that's what they wanted us to think!

Tojo

[Ozme52]

I'm reminded of the Rod Stewart song 'The Killing Of Georgie'

"never wait or hesitate, get in kid b4 it's too late"

We won't be on this earth forever- I had a few mates never even made it to 20. You've got to damn well do what you can when you get the chance.

As for the men being in charge back in those days- geez you guys have been fooled- that's what they wanted us to think!

Tojo

One can joke, but if you remember the postwar attitudes, and the hot and coldwar Fifties, the onslaught of television and the perfect family, commercials depicting perfect families, Barbie dolls and Tonka toys... it was a seriously male dominated world and a shortage of adult males at that... (due to the war... and somewhat to Korea directly thereafter.)

Opinions didn't begin to turn until the Sixties, Age of Aquarius, and Flower Power. Unfortunately, it's beginning to swing back again, with so many fundamentalist influences (of all religious persuasions) in the world.

[Warbaby1943]

As for the men being in charge back in those days- geez you guys have been fooled- that's what they wanted us to think!

Tojo
I remember when my father came home from the big one, WWII, he certainly was in charge. Until that time my grandfather didn't take a back seat to my grandmother. It certainly seemed that way in many of my friends' homes also. OH, the good old days. Just kidding.

[Tojo]

Oh I think I'm more serious about that than I sounded. Admittedly my mother was/is a very powerful woman.

My feeling is that sure men were in charge technically & on the surface, but at the same time there was a heck of a lot more respect for women then.

I believe women got what they wanted a lot more back in those days.


Tojo

[chattel69]

I wish I was around during that time. I kind of fashion myself as June Cleaver with a kink...

[Warbaby1943]

Oh I think I'm more serious about that than I sounded. Admittedly my mother was/is a very powerful woman.

My feeling is that sure men were in charge technically & on the surface, but at the same time there was a heck of a lot more respect for women then.

I believe women got what they wanted a lot more back in those days.


Tojo
Tojo,

You are so right. If I didn't open or hold a door for any lady I got my ass smacked. If I didn't call an older person by their title (Mr., Mrs., or Miss - there was no Ms. back then) I got my ass smacked. If I smarted off to an adult neighbor, I got my ass smacked. There were also many other reason I got my ass smacked.

If you didn't have the brains to learn respect, especially for ladies and elders, it was taught to you very quickly and by anyone, not just your parents. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, even "well intentioned" neighbors could reprimand any child.

It may sound bad but it really wasn't. Things were at a much slower pace and it was a much safer world then. Mothers were home raising their children not out helping raise the money to feed them. That in itself is one very important reason why the children back then were better disciplined than today's kids. I miss it as far as seeing how the youngsters are growing up today - lack of discipline, lack of respect for anyone, and heaven forbid if a teacher tries to administer corporal punishment. I survived many teachers' whacks and lived to tell about it. Can't say I didn't deserve it either.

All those time I got my ass smacked is maybe the reason I like OTK now.:bdsmsmile I don't really believe that, it wasn't fun back then and I certainly wasn't naked over a beautiful Mistress's knee. OHHHHHH, think of how I could have turned out!!!!!:wow_nbs:

[Warbaby1943]

I wish I was around during that time. I kind of fashion myself as June Cleaver with a kink...
chattel69,

You would probably have loved it. If your master had forced you to remain naked while in the house, you would surely have given all those traveling salesmen and the more than occasional beggars a pretty site when you had to open the door. Maybe not because back then not many doors were locked. You may have been the one surprised when you turned around and saw someone standing in your kitchen trying to sell you a dust mop or a broom.:11_2_102:

[Ozme52]

Oh I think I'm more serious about that than I sounded. Admittedly my mother was/is a very powerful woman.

My feeling is that sure men were in charge technically & on the surface, but at the same time there was a heck of a lot more respect for women then.

I believe women got what they wanted a lot more back in those days.


Tojo

On the whole, I have to disagree. I'm sure there were exceptions... but as they say, the exception proves the rule.

That's not to say many women didn't have there ways... but the attitudes of the times put men in position of breadwinner and decision maker.

[MsUther]

I know i am a sub from the feeling of deep joy and happiness that lies on top and above the sexual pleasure. I love the fact that submissivness makes me feel stronger.
The realisation that dawned on me under a year ago still thrills me, i would never have thought i was a sub myself. Sounds strange maybe, but if i would take a bet 2 years ago when not knowing anything about bdsm lifestyle, i would have put me in the Dom section.
I have been playing Dom many times earlyer, what i experienced was that the pleasure from dominating a man was felt in my mind, um... hard to explain, i dont find the words. But the power and the fun pleased my mind and not so much my body. Probably have much to do with the feminist in me.
So thats how i know. My body tells me.

And to the subject of men and womens status in society today, i am most annoyed over the fact that our language contains mostly male words - like chairman, foreman, policeman and so on. And it enrages me that people dont strive to change this when its a woman inhabiting those positions. Sometimes that happen, but many times not.
The language have an immence power over how we wiew things.
I dont think much have changed since the ww`s started. Wimen have started to work outside the home and can vote, but still, theres a long way to go.
I wish we could stop looking at gender and focus on each persons abillities instead.

[wingsofanangel]

For me being submissive is like being female. I just am. There is no way around it.

Of course I joke around and tease others sometimes, but I am def. not a switch. I don't really enjoy Domming anyone. I prefer to please someone, nurture, and make someone happy. There was never a question about it for me...

-doesn't know if i answered that right-

Anya

[Warbaby1943]

For me being submissive is like being female. I just am. There is no way around it.

Of course I joke around and tease others sometimes, but I am def. not a switch. I don't really enjoy Domming anyone. I prefer to please someone, nurture, and make someone happy. There was never a question about it for me...

-doesn't know if i answered that right-

Anya
I think you answered it just fine because that is the way you feel. That's why I asked the question to find out why you are what you are. Thanks.

[wingsofanangel]

thank you. I wasn't sure if that was exactly what you were looking for... everyone else had such nice long eloquent answers, lol...

Anya

[Warbaby1943]

thank you. I wasn't sure if that was exactly what you were looking for... everyone else had such nice long eloquent answers, lol...

Anya
Sometimes short and sweet are most appropriate.