a first meeting

[InnerTemptress]

for the past couple of weeks i have been conversing with a Gentleman who i would now like to consider meeting face to face. we have had discussions about what expectations we each have and things seem to be compatible for the most part.

i have figured out all the safety aspects of meeting a stranger that, even on-line, seems to be able to make me feel more submissive then i have ever. before we meet i will secure and verify his full name, address and phone number. give that to a friend along with our meeting place, itinerary and will call her at set times. it's not that i expect problems, i would just prefer to be safe.

what i would like is some suggestions of things i should be looking for in an experienced Dominant .. things that may clue me into issues of safety (emotional and physical). are there questions, that in your experience, you would have asked at an earlier stage? note: i have been very clear about my hard limits and desires. and he has reciprocated to an extent.

thank you for your time and thought.

[Fox]

Safe sex is about a lot more than condoms.

Meet in a public place, like a coffee shop.
Set your own time limit for the meeting, arrange to meet your girlfriend at a particular place and time.

I can be anyone I want to be on the internet; I can be charming and persuasive on the telephone. But that does not mean you are safe to go off, alone, with me the very first time we meet. (You would be, but again, you have to take my word for that.)

You are embarking on a very intimate journey. Pack your lifeboat well .... because when you set sail on a voyage across uncharted waters, you can expect to lose sight of land.

[InnerTemptress]

thank You for Your response, Sir Fox!

i plan to propose a meeting for later this weekend or next week (depending on the power outage).

[TenderFlesh]

Good luck to you, and have a great time!

[e.e. norcod]

Brother Fox is a wise animal. He gives very good advice. Be carefull.

[MrStefens]

InnerTemptress,
I have been on the other side of the situation, and have wondered how I would be able to provide my new friend with a sense of security, especially for the first time we will meet and hopefully play. I can offer you a few suggestions that I do and have found they seem to make the first meeting more secure.

I always send a copy of my drivers license to the lady and ask her to give it to a close friend she can trust. No so called Dom would do this if he had any intention of causing harm for obvious reasons. If he doesn't think this is a good idea, I would question his trust in you. As you are asked to put a great amount of trust in him, this little amount of trust should be acceptable to him.

Regardless of how the sub feels about it, I will not use real actual restraint the first time we play. There are plenty of methods where creative minds can find ways to give the impression of restraint, but should the sub wish to exit the scene, she is not actually restrained. If things go well and after a level of trust is build up, there is plenty of time for real restraints.

Of course, have a safe word you both agree on. But in addition to that, I like to have a caution sign for the first few times. Think of it as a yellow light, proceed, but proceed with caution. I like to use a hand movement, as I enjoy using gags, and it doesn't interrupt the play. One I have found works well is two fingers up during caution and back down when the comfort level returns.

Finally, set a time limit the first time. We all has very active imaginations and if we haven't found someone to play with for awhile, there is a tendency to want to do everything all the first time. The best bdsm is between partners who have gotten to know each other and grow and expand over time. The first time is still about checking the chemistry between you and the new person, and a limited play time tends to keep things in check and allows for a graceful exit and time to reflect if this gentleman is actually someone you want to meet a second time

Just my two cents worth.
Mr Stefens

...for the past couple of weeks i have been conversing with a Gentleman who i would now like to consider meeting face to face. we have had discussions about what expectations we each have and things seem to be compatible for the most part...

[InnerTemptress]

thank You MrStephens .. that was great help.

i think that i am on the right track as i sent an email to him last night outlining some of what You have stated saying that these were things i needed so that this meeting can happen. my intention is not to "scene" with him the first time we meet and i don't think he would have an issue with that .. i think it'll be me. i've been waiting so long and i can be an impatient slut at times. :D and Your idea about putting a time limit on things is a great one for that very reason. i want it and i want it all now.

[InnerTemptress]

i also wanted to thank Kostly, who was kind enough to answer a question for me regarding the use of expletives such as slut, whore, cunt, etc. i have been trying to get an understanding of why some Dominants find these words a turn on. he gave me some great insight that made a lot of sense. thanks :)

[Manwhore]

Be very careful....there are alot of screwballs out there. If you choose this path to meet a stranger beware of the consequences that may follow

[ozgreg]

I been very lucky and got to people all over the world from the Net, face to face and although I am Male, meeting anyone has risks.

Other than what has already been added, another trick is the phone call after the first x minutes, when you get a friend to call you and they check that you are ok. It also gives you an out if you feel uncomfortable with the situation, as you can easily say your friend is in trouble.

Anyways met in a cafe for coffee before lunch, that way you have options to stay longer for lunch if you like the person or leave saying you have to be someplace else for lunch. Make sure the cafe is popular and you have parked your car (if you are driving) someplace close that is not in some back street.

Meeting people is incredibly rewarding, I wish you the best.

[InnerTemptress]

well we met on sunday. a nice afternoon spent at the Royal Ontario Museum. He suggested it because it's a very public place and it is also crawling with security guards. i set my safe call for an hour after we met.

things went very well. we spent about 3-1/2 hours roaming and talking about the different exhibits. through most of the day he held my hand or my wrist (which i didn't mind) and a number of times he asserted his dominance reminding me not to just walk off, for making a smart assed remark and when, in the armour section, he grasped my hair and kissed me :D

there were a few make out sessions after that, one i pointed out was on a listening bench while the narrator talked about slavery :lol:

there was conversation about going forward. and at one point when we stopped for a beverage, he seemed deep in thought and so i asked him what he was thinking .. he told me that as much as he'd like to take me home for some alone time, he thought better of it because of my experience level and also because he wanted to take things slow because this seemed like a connection.

i have to say that i felt very comfortable. i have a couple of concerns. he seems to be very sensitive, the type that gets attached quite easily .. i'd be afraid that because this is my first experience that i'm not likely to find that "perfect thing" the first time out and that i will hurt him. the second is that my first thought is that he would not fit in well with my family or friends. i'm hoping i'm wrong about that one, because if it does become the "perfect thing" that would be very important to me.

anyway ... thank you all for your suggestions. i'm on my way, finally, to inner peace and happiness

innertemptress

p.s. i don't believe he posts here currently .. perhaps when/if we solidify things i will suggest he join.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

... I's rather be in a relationship withi someone that cared for me and was sensitive to my needs as well as his or her ownrather than someone that really didn't give a shit about me or how I felt and who put his or her needs above mine. But that's just me.

And you're right, you're likely not going to find that "perfect thing" your first time out, but he's a big boy and, if you feel you must end the relationship, then I'm sure he can handle it, and probably has before.

By the same flip of the coin, you're a big girl and if he decided he needed to move on to another relationship, I'm sure you could handle it, too.

It sounded like a great date to me. I'd like him, if it was me.

[slavelucy]

Hi InnerTemptress, i've been following your posts about meeting up with this guy and just wanted to say that i'm really pleased it went so well for you! He sounds great and the fact that he wasn't really pushy suggests that he is pretty mature so i wouldn't be too concerned about him being too sensitive or whatever at this point; just see how it goes.

sl

[InnerTemptress]

hello A/all!

it's been a few weeks since i've written and so now that i have some time i thought i'd give you an update.

my first date has now grown into over 3 weeks. we have been spending lots of time together getting to know each other in both a vanilla way and a D/s way. we seem very compatible in the way we express our natural states.

i have come to realize during these past few weeks that a D/s situation outside of playtime is something i'm not ready for and he is very understanding and doesn't push things.

we have just begun "training". he has asked me to wear his play collar during scenes and so we work toward the steps that get us to play. He is patient and kind and i am very happy.

thank you all for answering my questions .. i'm sure i will have many more as we progress through my training.

now .. mysteron's kitten :D

[e.e. norcod]

Dear Inner Temptress,

It actually sounds, and I dread to say this, like you are developing some truly mature attitudes toward establishing a relationship. This doesn't ensure that you will establish a lasting relationship but it helps. Best of luck and remember that patience and consideration are the best tools to develop a relationship with.

[kittenfemme]

Congrats InnerTemptress! I'm SO very happy for you! I'm very glad you were safe and that things have progressed well.

[Shellyfemme]

There is some great advice in this forum. Congratuation InnerTemptress is indeed in order here. I do hope all goes well for you.:)

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Where oh where is InnerTemptress and is she still with her dream guy?