How did you know? [Archive]

kelly25

07-16-2006, 10:14 AM

That this lifestyle is what you wanted?

I know that I have an overwhelming desire to please, as well as fantasies about being dominated.

Yet, when I found someone and started experimenting, I found I was mostly scared. Paranoid. Actually found I was once again developing an intense feeling of dread. Not about anything specific, but more a feeling that everything was going to come crashing down on me, and there would be nothing I could do to stop it.

I know a lot of past events have probably contributed to these fantasies, and how do you know that this is what you want, as opposed to a way for your subconcious to tell you that you have not yet dealt with these things as they should be dealt with?

How do you know whether the fantasies are best kept at that?

How do you work it out without displeasing the person who is trying to train you at the time?

(sorry, i have a tendency to ramble and to dissociate myself from myself when i write, hope this makes sense)

Uncle_Ed

07-16-2006, 10:20 AM

Hi Kelly!

May I suggest starting with someone you trust completely? It sounds as though you perhaps played with someone in whom you could not confide? Personally, I think that BDSM games HAVE to be conducted in a trusting relationship,otherwise the whole atmosphere can turn unpleasant.

Also, with someone you like, there is that vital element of wanting to please as well as grabbing for your own pleasure.

Good luck! I know many others will contribute advice too-this is a great place to learn!

Ed

Silke

07-16-2006, 11:29 AM

Hiya kelly,

what an interesting question! I've been struggling with it myself when I first dipped my toes into the lifestyle (which is not as long ago as it sounds here, lol). I had all sorts of doubts - not really because I had bad experiences or was feeling anxious when I started experimenting, but more out of a feeling that I somehow didn't 'fit in'. I had some weird ideal of a D/s dynamic in mind that I could never live up to - and I didn't want it either, but thought that the domly ones might. *rolls eyes* I'm glad that the people I met along the way grounded me on that one...;)

I agree with Ed that exploring only makes sense with someone you trust completely...only then you can feel free to really share what's going on inside of you, be it something wonderful or something that made you cry or hang your head in shame...and KNOW that your Dom/me still loves you and cares for you no matter what. This has been my punch-in-the-face-lesson personally, lol. I had a horrible day when a task went just wrong, completely - my personal nightmare - I was disappointed, frustrated and had no idea how my Master would react (he wasn't there at the time obviously ;)). It drove me nuts and I honestly wished I could sink into the floor and never face the world again. But when I talked to him again a bit later the words just welled up and he listened, really listened...and he was still there. *insert surprised expression* He was there and said all the right things, you know? I've never been scared again...maybe nervous, yes...but never in such a state.

Why am I sharing this? Is there a point? I hope so, lol. It's been one of my personal issues that came up during this task and in that close relationship - a fear of not being good enough, that people would leave me when I'm myself and honest about it, a weird belief that people you love never stay. And actually working through this was an eye opener and has changed a lot for me. Know where I'm going with this? Problems like this will show up in such a close thing as D/s is, and it's not necessarily something to avoid but work through together. And if it works...priceless. :)

If you find someone to experiment with, someone you trust...and at the end of the day (and hopefully in between, too) you feel good, and whole, better than you feel on your own...then follow your heart and stick with it. If you don't feel good, I'd first see whether it's that specific person you play with who doesn't do it for you...talk it over, speak openly about it, see how he reacts. Does he care? Look for ways to deal with this constructively? Appreciate your honesty and openness instead of showing off his hurt ego? Bingo, he might just be the one. If not, I'd go looking for someone else before I'd give up on living my fantasies. :)

'k, rambled enough myself now...I hope some of this helps. Good luck on your path, kelly. :)

_ID_

07-16-2006, 11:29 AM

I found I was mostly scared. Paranoid. Actually found I was once again developing an intense feeling of dread. Not about anything specific, but more a feeling that everything was going to come crashing down on me, and there would be nothing I could do to stop it.

Contrasting paranoia, or self doubt is very difficult to work with when the submissive feels this way. Not only does she not trust me as the Dom. She doesn't trust herself as the submissive. When the submissive doesn't have trust in the Dom or herself, it makes it diffucult for her to actually submit, in a scene or in a relationship.

How did I know this lifestyle is what I wanted. Well I lived the vanilla lifestyle, didn't like it, then lived this lifestyle for awhile, and once I did, knew I would never be able to return to the vanilla way of doing things, cause I enjoyed this way of doing things so much more.

V/R
ID

Silke

07-16-2006, 11:49 AM

Contrasting paranoia, or self doubt is very difficult to work with when the submissive feels this way.

I'd be a bit more careful to throw out a diagnosis when you have so little data and don't know the person posting, the circumstances and the dom involved. And she asked us subbies to answer by the way...;)

_ID_

07-16-2006, 12:55 PM

I'd be a bit more careful to throw out a diagnosis when you have so little data and don't know the person posting, the circumstances and the dom involved. And she asked us subbies to answer by the way..

I was giving from my perspective, both in my experience with submissives who have doubts about their participation in the lifestyle, and about how I knew this was for me. I was aware it was for submissives, but thought it was a good overall question that everyone could enjoy posting to.

In the future please chastise me privately.

V/R
ID

Uncle_Ed

07-16-2006, 01:09 PM

And she asked us subbies to answer by the way...;)

Ah! er...missed that! *look ashamed* Just trying to be helpful, kelly.

kelly25

07-16-2006, 01:19 PM

Thanks guys.

Silke: You're a legend. Ha. A lot of your post sounded just like me!

IDCrewDawg: Absolutely up for comments from Doms as well! Just figured it fitted best here.

As for the lack of data/info - I started and then realised how much of a nutter I sounded, so I'll leave that for now!

kelly25

07-16-2006, 01:20 PM

Uncle Ed: as above :)

StillBehindBlueEyes

07-16-2006, 01:42 PM

As for the lack of data/info - I started and then realised how much of a nutter I sounded, so I'll leave that for now!

I didn't think you sounded like a nutter giggle. Not at all. I understood exactly what you were saying.
It's such a big step to go from a "normal woman" to a submissive. I too serve because I have to, not because it's required.
All of us newbies struggle with these issues.
What is it they always say "the only dumb question is one not asked."

Complete trust mentioned by Uncle Ed
Seems to me to be so important. How can you completely let go if you don't completely trust?
Just my two cents.:wave:

Silke

07-16-2006, 02:34 PM

I was giving from my perspective, both in my experience with submissives who have doubts about their participation in the lifestyle, and about how I knew this was for me. I was aware it was for submissives, but thought it was a good overall question that everyone could enjoy posting to.

In the future please chastise me privately.

I apologize if I came across harsh, it wasn't meant that way. Just thought that the paranoia bit was a huge step from the info given, but maybe I didn't quite understand you properly there. I really hope you weren't offended by my remark about this being a question for subs/slaves - I know we've all cross posted all over the place (me too ;))...that's why I put this - ;) - at the end. Sorry, if it didn't come across that way to you.

Since kelly wants input from all sides as it is I've moved the thread to the general section of the Knowledge Base. Just so you get the optimal input, kelly. :)

And kelly - you don't sound like a nutter at all...and I'd love to hear more of your thoughts or experiences on this. Don't be shy, darling. :)

kelly25

07-16-2006, 03:30 PM

wow, amazing response after such a short time!

Yeah, you're right about the trust issue. Although it's more a trust in myself than a trust in the dom.

Further to my original post, the fear/paranoia is inspired by two things:

1. That I know I'm really bad at saying no. It's got me into trouble before. I was always taught the guy is to get what he wants, no matter what, and while I love the idea of submitting, I know it could get out of hand. Safewords are all fine and good, but not if you don't use them! haha. Don't think I need advice on that one (this is where the nutter comment comes into play - haha)

2. I have worked damn hard at finally getting myself into a position of independence. Can look at myself and think, yeah I'm worth having around, I'm strong, and worthwile and truth be told, my ass looks a bit of alright in a pair of tight jeans! Yet on the other hand I want to give that away by inviting someone to treat me like their whore. Is it possible to be both?

Then there's just the question is this even me? I don't want to be that person who is constantly 'yes, no yes, no' but that's all thats going through my head right now!

hahaha

Probably just added more confusion to the original comment there.
A whole lot of questions I'm trying to work out the answers to!

*coughcrazycough*

StillBehindBlueEyes

07-16-2006, 03:43 PM

Silke

07-16-2006, 04:10 PM

I have worked damn hard at finally getting myself into a position of independence. Can look at myself and think, yeah I'm worth having around, I'm strong, and worthwile and truth be told, my ass looks a bit of alright in a pair of tight jeans! Yet on the other hand I want to give that away by inviting someone to treat me like their whore. Is it possible to be both?

Just passing on something my domly one told me the other day when I asked him what he was looking for in a woman...and among other things he said he's looking for a strong woman. Sounds strange at first glance coming from a dom, eh? But it does make sense. The balance of having a strong, independant woman that chooses to submit to one person only, makes it even more of a gift, doesn't it?

So, no...I don't think you have to give up one for the other. I personally feel stronger as a submissive than I did before. And if your dom is a good one he'll help you with your reluctance of using a safeword if you need it...;) Being a submissive - to me - is not about being weak, saying yes and amen to everything or to give up who you are. It's about transfering power to someone you love and on terms your both consent to, it's about letting go and giving up control because it feels amazingly good, not because you're weak.

Hell, that was hard to put in words, lol. But it cleared up some thoughts for me, too. Thank you for that, kelly. :)

maddie

07-16-2006, 04:46 PM

Kelly: One thing leaps out at me in this thread and that's your comment about finding it difficult to say 'no'. Using your safeword isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign that things are going too far or that you're no longer able to handle the situation. Just last weekend, I stopped some playtime abruptly when what I should have done is safeword out of it earlier. Fo lack of a better way to say it, I'd lost the groove and was finding myself impatient and irritated by the idea of being ordered around. Because I abruptly stopped what I was doing, got up and walked away, my husband was hurt and concerned and felt like he'd gone too far for too long. If I'd simply safeworded earlier, neither of us would have been in that place.

I think it is absolutely, positively possible to be both a strong-minded, independent woman and a good sub. Like Silke said, it's not a sign of weakness to give up control; in fact, I think it's the ultimate form of control. You say who, when, where, and under what terms you'll give up control. Someone who's weak can't do that.

cariad

07-16-2006, 04:50 PM

Contrasting paranoia, or self doubt is very difficult to work with when the submissive feels this way. Not only does she not trust me as the Dom. She doesn't trust herself as the submissive. When the submissive doesn't have trust in the Dom or herself, it makes it diffucult for her to actually submit, in a scene or in a relationship.

In my limited experience of different Doms, a great one will go out of his way to reassure my self doubt. No matter how much my logical mind tells me I am okay, particularly when I am wearing my submissive hat, I need that prop. It is also part of my process of establishing trust with someone - that I have shown him some of my vulnerability and he has supported it. A case of if I can trust him something small then I can trust him something bigger.

I know this put the onus onto the Dom, but particularly when the sub is new to this lifestyle I think it is something he has to face. I would add that the same can apply if an experienced sub is playing with a novice Dom.

So Kelly - find someone who cares for you enough to earn your trust - and if he does not - then leave!

cariad

Silke

07-16-2006, 04:50 PM

it's not a sign of weakness to give up control; in fact, I think it's the ultimate form of control. You say who, when, where, and under what terms you'll give up control. Someone who's weak can't do that.

All in a nutshell and beautifully put, maddie. :)

cariad

07-16-2006, 05:08 PM

That this lifestyle is what you wanted?

I know that I have an overwhelming desire to please, as well as fantasies about being dominated.

Returning to your original question...

I had the usual series of vanilla relationships through school and college, some with people who I cared deeply for. However they always hit a brick wall, and I more or less came to the point of deciding that relationships and me were just not to be.

I then met the man I now live with - and wow - there was something different about him, and with hind sight that difference was his Dominance, although in the early stages of our relationship there were none of the usual signs of BDSM, in fact quite the reverse.

Bottom line for me is that I do not fancy men who are not Doms. The play parts are wonderful, and I would not be without them, but there is a certain something about a quiet confident Dom personality which does it for me each and every time.

I think it is absolutely, positively possible to be both a strong-minded, independent woman and a good sub. Like Silke said, it's not a sign of weakness to give up control; in fact, I think it's the ultimate form of control. You say who, when, where, and under what terms you'll give up control. Someone who's weak can't do that.

Could not agree more with you maddie - and any Dom who wanted me as a doormat would soon be given his marching orders back out of the door!

cariad

Tojo

07-16-2006, 05:27 PM

Not much I can add to all that. Boy did I get here late. :)

Now the following are merely my thoughts, nothing more.

First up kelly, please don't aplologise for rambling- we'd all be banned if that was a problem- me first probably...

By saying that, it shows you may not have found your place in the world just yet- to my mind a happy sub is one who knows what she wants & won't settle for less.

Yes don't even consider a Dom/me who pushes you when you're starting out. A big part of Domliness is to reassure the sub & make sure she's OK at all times. To be concerned with every bit of their welfare.

Having said that, we all have doubts from what I've seen. :32:
This is a journey of discovery.

I talk to many subs who have doubts- I say two things to them. Make sure you have the right person to explore with, someone who's a friend first & foremost & respects your reluctance. Someone who can tell you it's OK if you want to stop. Someone who tells you it's essential to be able to do that.

The other is to know what you want- what is OK & more importantly what isn't. That of course comes with finding yourself in the first place.

Hey I don't know if anyone mentioned this- D/s is meant to be fun?

Oh & I'll tell you a secret- Doms are not all wise & are not always right. :eek:

(you should hear some of the ballsups I've made....)

Tojo

Tojo

07-16-2006, 05:31 PM

Silke

07-16-2006, 05:40 PM

Hey I don't know if anyone mentioned this- D/s is meant to be fun?

Oh & I'll tell you a secret- Doms are not all wise & are not always right.

*giggles*

kelly25

07-16-2006, 05:56 PM

You guys should all get together and write a book

BDSM cliff notes

maddie

07-16-2006, 06:11 PM

Oh & I'll tell you a secret- Doms are not all wise & are not always right.

:faint:

Thank you, Tojo, cariad, and Silke, for your kind words. :) I am grateful to be able to learn from each of you and all the other fabulous people around here.

Kelly: Look for Aesop's Tips for Beginners. There's a lot of great information in there.

submissivewife

07-16-2006, 07:27 PM

Just passing on something my domly one told me the other day when I asked him what he was looking for in a woman...and among other things he said he's looking for a strong woman. Sounds strange at first glance coming from a dom, eh? But it does make sense. The balance of having a strong, independant woman that chooses to submit to one person only, makes it even more of a gift, doesn't it?

I'm not going to go over what eveyone has said...everyone has given great advice....but one thing that Silke said that got my attention.

I am a submissive...I love who I am! I am not weak. Most of you have seen my posts and what I have written. Some may have been wrong..but I think, all of you can tell I am a strong woman and will stick up for myself.

Just because you are submissive doesn't mean you can't be strong too. I think, it's through my journey of submission that I have been able to be strong and become stronger. I am not a doormat.

No giving myself to a dominant doesn't make me weak....I gain strength because of his control of me. I am able to be more for him and me because of the domination.

OK...my thoughts....

Kelly (love the name btw)

I have trouble saying no because I don't want to hurt the other's feeling or don't want to cause waves....but you know, I've found that sometimes, they want you to say no. You need and should say no at times, show who you are and your dom will work with that to bring out the best in you.

Remember...trust is everything in these relationships. If you don't trust yourself or your dom..your relationship will not prosper. Communicate with your dom about your thoughts...why you feel you can't say no....you might be amazed at the reaction..this could actually improve your relationship.

subwife

Aesop

07-16-2006, 07:32 PM

Oh & I'll tell you a secret- Doms are not all wise & are not always right.

Will you PLEASE quit telling people that.....:32:

Tojo

07-16-2006, 07:50 PM

Will you PLEASE quit telling people that.....

Man, I'm gonna pay for saying that...

No way am I crossing the street for a while- I don't know what came over me. :eek:

Tojo

Timberwolf

07-16-2006, 08:21 PM

"Oh & I'll tell you a secret- Doms are not all wise & are not always right."

Shock horror, I don't believe what I'm seeing.

"it's not a sign of weakness to give up control; in fact, I think it's the ultimate form of control. You say who, when, where, and under what terms you'll give up control. Someone who's weak can't do that. "

Couldn't agree more.

I honestly think it takes more guts to sub than it does to Dom. Doesn't mean both aren't incredibly worthwhile if they fit with your personality, but subs, especially new ones, risk a hell of a lot more early on I feel.

cariad

07-16-2006, 11:28 PM

Oh & I'll tell you a secret- Doms are not all wise & are not always right. :eek:

Can I have the franchise on that one please Tojo - just thinking of the T-shirts, mugs, pencils.........

complete with tax breaks because of the educational value.......

cariad

Widget

07-16-2006, 11:42 PM

lol

submissivewife

07-17-2006, 03:04 AM

Will you PLEASE quit telling people that.....:32:

Oh no...I just love Tojo's little leaks......

TheLordJustice

07-17-2006, 03:42 AM

Maddie and Subwife i cant agree with you both more
i belive there is 6 major components to this lyfestyle
Safety,Trust,Honesty,Communication,Sane, and Consentual.

submissivewife

07-17-2006, 06:31 PM

Thanks Dahmon...and don't for get....FUN!