View Full Version : What makes a good sub?
maddie
07-28-2006, 04:12 PM
Something I've been meaning to ask you Dom(me)ly types: What do you look for in a sub? How do you know if you're compatible? I'd guess the most obvious sign is whether or not you and the sub share similar interests in D/s, but there must be more to it than that.
Are there any particular characteristics you look for when you're seeking a new sub?
Oh my :) Lovely question.
Well I can answer that with confidence, after my experience this year.
Now my experience is online, so far- r/l not til next year. (that'll give you something to think about!)
For me now, the overwhelming thing is the connection. I had a young lady to play with for some months up til early this year. We did amazing things, things I'll probably never do again.
It was real nice, but something was missing.
I then met someone who began as a friend, & we sort of stumbled into playing a little without too much structure or planning.
The connection was what did it for me- the experience I had with her was total.
To play at D/s with someone you care so much about, who you dream about night & day is on a different level to anything I've ever experienced.
So- connection. Nothing else matters....:rolleyes:
Tojo
Iv'e talked with submissives, and played with submissives. The online experience is definitly not the same as real life. There is a deeper emotional exchange with the physical portion. Before I met my wife/submissive, I had some online dealings with submissive women. None of them did I find satisfactory. Once I did meet my wife, and we began to play. The undertanding and emotional exchange of her submission to me, and that she does it willinly as I yeild whatever item of pain or bondage I choose. Her safety in my hands. The experience is just not the same. Just for arguments sake, yes we did meet online.
So what I look for in a submissive is similar to what I look for if I were looking for a nilla mate. Compatibility, ability to communicate. Her initial speach towards me, her initial actions around me. Does she anticipate my needs, and if not, does she ask what I need or require? My wife did, and still does these things. I consider myself one of the luckiest people alive.
For you as the submissive, and your concerns if your meeting your Dom/me's needs. Ask yourself if your Dom/me is correcting your behaviour, or repeating themselves needlessly. If so, perhaps your not compatible in communication or in how you see your submission being played out. However, if the repeating or correcting is part of the relationship you both enjoy, then what your doing is exactly right for each other.
Enjoy!
V/R
ID
maddie
07-28-2006, 08:04 PM
Just for reference: I'm asking this out of curiosity, not need. I've often wondered if Doms look for something more than just the sorts of compatibility things people tend to look for in a "normal" relationship.
Timberwolf
07-29-2006, 11:26 AM
For myself I think that I more or less look for the same qualities in a D/s partner as I would have in a vanilla situation. I will say that a willingness to explore your own desires is even more key in D/s, and also a willingness to share those desires (once trust is there, of course).
But really I don't think much changes. Do we have fun together? Do we have similar interests? Are we attracted to each other? Do our lives allow us as much time as we feel we need together? Do we trust and care about one another, or are we just hanging around for a good time? Does she tolerate my nerdy hobbies? Questions you could ask in any form of relationship.
maddie - I hope you don't think i was addressing it towards you. I was addressing my answer towards your question. Cause Im sure as other submissives read this thread they will have the same thought run through their mind, and ask themselves the same question.
Enjoy!
V/R
ID
maddie
07-29-2006, 12:21 PM
IDCrewDawg: Wasn't quite sure, so I wanted to make sure I was clear. :)
Just for reference: I'm asking this out of curiosity, not need. I've often wondered if Doms look for something more than just the sorts of compatibility things people tend to look for in a "normal" relationship.
Thought about this some more- one thing I have a need for is a sub who has spirit. I couldn't imagine playing with one who was totally compliant.
I had one last year who did just about anything I asked- I think that was part of the problem. To me a D/s relationship has to be a challenge, to find a a way of getting a woman to submit of her own free will.
The biggest buzz for me is to have a powerful confident woman give herself to me.
Tojo
Ozme52
07-30-2006, 05:22 PM
The relationship statements are all certainly true... but I'll add that I want a sub who tries to anticipate my needs, and submits herself merely to please me.
All the better if she has limits which can be (safely) pushed... power is intoxicating.
cariad
08-02-2006, 12:19 AM
The relationship statements are all certainly true... but I'll add that I want a sub who tries to anticipate my needs, and submits herself merely to please me.
All the better if she has limits which can be (safely) pushed... power is intoxicating.
It is intoxicating on both sides of the balance.
cariad
Uncle_Ed
08-02-2006, 12:24 AM
Are there any particular characteristics you look for when you're seeking a new sub?
Yes maddie. Good waterproofing-you see, subs tend to leak when they're wet.
Scorpio'sWill2Power
08-02-2006, 06:18 AM
Mostly what I look to find within someone is a genuine
desire to know themselves and want to free themselves
from their own fears and inhibitions.
To grow and evolve into who they were meant to be
because they have found there is NO shame in being
who you really are!!!
All too often some feel out of place, unaccepted and keep
everything so bottled up within them they really don't know how
to be who they are on the inside.
To reach a true understanding about self is far greater at times
than even reaching an orgasm can be.
I look for trust as well, someone who knows in their heart
that a long journey made together is often less frightening
than having to go it alone.
I look for strength, maybe that which they have never thought
they possessed or only needed a reason to make it grow.
A true desire to want to be themselves and hope to know
through sharing that what they may have kept hidden
from others and even themselves at times has an equal
place in this thing we call life.
Violenteer
08-03-2006, 01:45 AM
This is a question that can be answered differently by every master I would say.
I can only anser for myself.
A submissive in the most simple terms should be willing and able. Should in all actions make the master feel so. Should be able to anticipate needs. These can stem from lighting a ciggarette to a kiss on the cheek in times of need to the more dominant and subversive desires of the master.
There definately needs to be an emotional connection, and dare I say love. Most importantly trust. A submissive gives away a slice of autonomy and trust his/her master, and this is something not given lightly.
I have more. But wont go on!
Be good!
her_Joe
08-03-2006, 02:22 PM
The connection is all well and good -- but that is needed in any partner or longterm realtionship type. A sub isn't necessarily that for me, and a good one is easy for me to describe, harder to recognize:
S/he is a challenge ... has to wrestle within themselves to submit in real life situations, and needs Me to pay attention and challenge him/her in return.
S/he is obedient ... the choice to submit is an action, not words.
S/he is docile and graceful ... though s/he is a challenge, acceptance and submission are achieved quietly, with dignity and respect for self and me.
For me, this is the difference between a good friend/date/mate and a good submissive. Others may, of course, disagree.
hJ
Satan
08-04-2006, 08:30 PM
Poor judgment and low standards.
Silke
08-05-2006, 09:44 AM
Lol, Satan...looking for lots of room for improvement? ;)
Poor judgment and low standards.
Now that is a classic.
Tojo
His Slut
08-05-2006, 05:56 PM
Now that is a classic.
Tojo
Nice to know some things NEVER change...here there be trolls, too.
Oh if you mean Satan is a troll HS, you couldn't be more wrong.
A pretty smart fellow methinks, with a classy girl of his own.
(don't tell him I said so though....)
Tojo
TomOfSweden
09-21-2006, 11:56 PM
I think the most important thing in a slave is the same thing as in any relationship; That we laugh at the same kind of jokes.
As far as more BDSM specific things are concearned, she needs to enjoy obeying and serving me. Really enjoy it. I love verbal humiliation and watersports a lot, so that is off-course important. The rest is for me mearly optional bonuses.
I definitely agree with that! Thank God we have the same sense of humor.
babykat
01-25-2007, 04:37 PM
I read this several times over because it is something I hope I can find to be true.... especially this:
To reach a true understanding about self is far greater at times
than even reaching an orgasm can be.
I look for trust as well, someone who knows in their heart
that a long journey made together is often less frightening
than having to go it alone.
I look for strength, maybe that which they have never thought
they possessed or only needed a reason to make it grow.
Mostly what I look to find within someone is a genuine
desire to know themselves and want to free themselves
from their own fears and inhibitions.
To grow and evolve into who they were meant to be
because they have found there is NO shame in being
who you really are!!!
All too often some feel out of place, unaccepted and keep
everything so bottled up within them they really don't know how
to be who they are on the inside.
To reach a true understanding about self is far greater at times
than even reaching an orgasm can be.
I look for trust as well, someone who knows in their heart
that a long journey made together is often less frightening
than having to go it alone.
I look for strength, maybe that which they have never thought
they possessed or only needed a reason to make it grow.
A true desire to want to be themselves and hope to know
through sharing that what they may have kept hidden
from others and even themselves at times has an equal
place in this thing we call life.
Ironwulf
01-25-2007, 05:49 PM
Well I read what everyone else wrote and gave it some thought and I find for me it comes down to just one thing.
Honesty
Everything else, trust, desire, compatiblity, etc. all come after that. If there is no honesty then it does not matter how well you may fit together in the other parts of the relationship it will fail at some point.
Of course as anyone who has been online for awhile can tell you, finding honesty can be a real challenge. That holds true in real life as well but online seems to bring the liar and/or player out in a lot of folks.
Right here in our own chat I had that happen, I was being open and honest but ended up having to play the what do you want game in chat for an hour before the other person admitted they were really just looking for some play time and not to talk honestly about themselves.
So my advice is to be honest, not stupid, just honest. You may lose a fuck buddy that way but you may also find a real match and thats what its all about is it not?
Guest 91108
01-25-2007, 07:18 PM
I agree with Ironwulf.. honesty leads to more not less.
Trust and respect is earned not given. And I know some will have a problem with respect having to be earned; if you do that is why it has to be earned.
TheDeSade
01-25-2007, 07:18 PM
I have to agree with most of what has been said above. Honesty, devotion, openness, they all are necessary. Add sensuality and eagerness to the list
I1985
01-26-2007, 04:45 AM
I have to agree with the Wolfs. I believe honesty (and openess) is key. Just yesterday I reminded my sub she had failed to deliver a task. At that point she confessed she could not fit it into her daily life, and had been afraid to tell me that. She thought I might not want to be with her because of it...
I was, and am, dissapointed that she did not do that task. But am devastated she was afraid to tell me... I know she has a busy life, and understand when she can't finish a task on time, or at all. All I ask of her is to tell me. I need her feedback even more so because I am not there to witness it.
In any relationship, but even more so with BDSM communication is the most important element. And it should be honest and open, to both sides. How can you respect and/or trust someone you don't know...
Guest 91108
01-26-2007, 05:51 AM
I1985.. I had thought without saying it.. that to earn the trust and respect kind of automatically assumed there was communication and honesty (Openness) .
what kind of sub would you have and for how long it there was a lack of communication. When the communication lines start to break for either the D or the s it begins to fail.
Rhabbi
02-05-2007, 04:30 PM
Ok,
I have read most of the posts here, and the general consensus is that the connection is the important thing. I agree totally, I do not know how to define it other than that, but having a slave who is willing to trust me and let me control her is intoxicating. This means that I sometimes do things that I do not enjoy because she needs them.
The relationship is more intense than a vanilla one because the degree of openess is greater. I no longer want a vanill relationship, not because I wnat to be in control, but because the connection from the trust, respect, and love is more important. And that flows both ways.