Silke's ramblings...

[Silke]

Hey y'all,

I guess I just need a place to ramble right now. *sighs* I'm not really looking for anything, it's more like an open diary entry or something...just something to keep me busy.

Maybe I'm just spoiled, but I've gotten so used to talking to my Master daily, for hours and hours, either just having fun chatting, or playing, laughing...those are the happy times of my days (or rather nights, lol). Even to just see him online when we are too busy to chat more than a couple of minutes makes me all warm and tingly inside. It feels like coming home. :)

Well, recently we've both been busy and pretty much didn't talk at all for a week while I was away working. Then I got back home, only to find that now he's the one with virtually no time on his hands and God knows how long this will go on. All we've shared since were a few short messages and I miss him so much, it hurts.

I'm sticking to the rules and routines he's set for me as best as I can and on good days it's comforting and I can feel him with me through that, feel that he's close. On bad days it's a struggle...it seems pointless somehow and I'm just lonely. When I'm on one of those days, everything just seems grey and empty and everything I need to do becomes a struggle. I don't think I've ever felt so incredibly happy and whole or so devastatingly lonely in any 'nilla relationship I've been in. It's like I'm missing a part of me when he's gone. Hell, I've cried myself to sleep the other day over this special man who I've never met in person.

I guess that's the price to pay when you give yourself to someone else with all you have. He owns my heart and soul and I need him with me to be whole again. But I'll pay that price gladly for all the wonderful feelings I've had and will have again with him.

I love you and I miss you.

Silke

[submissivewife]

*sighs heavily* I know what you mean.

[Qmoq]

Platonic hugs of sympathy for you Silke, I hope you're together and not busy soon enough. Keep praying for that lottery win.

Q xx

[MsUther]

Big hugsss in your direction, Silke.
It will get better soon, be brave.:wave:

[hids]

Silke,

It's almost as though you've read my mind! I'm in a similar situation, though my Master is gone for weeks (and occasionally months) on end due to the nature of his job. It makes matters that much worse, though, that his job also keeps him incommunicado for much of that time. Sometimes I wonder if I've imagined the whole thing . . . .

It does help to keep to the rules and routines, and I've found that if I push myself as well, set additional tasks for myself that I know he will be pleased with, it keeps the loneliness and despair at bay. Of course, writing helps too ;)

::hugs::

hids

[Silke]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate having a place to get things off my chest in this community. My friends don't know about this side of my life and sometimes it's hard to keep all of that to myself. I'm just not used to the rollercoaster ride yet, I guess, lol.

And hids...I wish I had some artistic talent to direct those feelings to, but it's an area I'm just lacking. I do write some journal-like stuff for myself but I suck at writing poetry, can't draw for the life of me and writing stories feels like running a marathon. I've always envied the people who have such a great outlet for their emotions...it must be great to see something beautiful emerging from all this. :) I hope your lonely phase is over soon, hids.

Silke *continuing the waiting game*

[Tojo]

As you well know Silke I went through the same misery recently.

The difference with me is I have a lovely wife I'm with every day.

Funny to be sitting with her & feeling the heartache of losing someone thousands of miles away.

Thankfully she has come back & we're spending time together again. To hear her voice on the phone makes me feel like a kid again. :)

I wish you all the best in yours Silke. Until this year I never believed how much you can feel for someone you've never met.

To love someone can bring heartache & misery- but there's nothing in the whole world that can make you happier.

It just might be worth it Silke. :wave:

Tojo

[maddie]

I can't directly relate, but I do know that it's only the pain of separation or sorrow over losing someone/being distant from them that makes us really appreciate that person's presence. It'll be better soon.

[Silke]

It just might be worth it Silke.

It is, Tojo...he is. :) He's taught me to love again, just by being himself. And I'll take the heartache gladly, it's a small price to pay.

And maddie - I know what you mean. Sometimes you learn more about your feelings for someone in the times when that person is not there. Hey, that's a happy thought...and an unexpected one. Thanks. :)

[maddie]

My pleasure, Silke. :)

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

Wow, you come to a place on the internet expecting a little fun and you find what you've been looking for. People that really understand what your saying. People that have gone through and will go through what you have.
Just reading your words... my. Make me so glad your all around.
I hope all your timing issues work out soon. I sure do understand.

[Qmoq]

Hi, Stilly.

Grins. Did it take you 1345 posts to realise that you like it here?

Even though BDSM is a relatively weird part of human fantasy, there's still six billion people in the world, so there's a good chance that a few thousand of the buggers know how you're feeling. Anything you feel in a sexual context, provided it doesn't involve kids, is perfectly valid, and is probably being experienced by quite a few others. Don't ever feel alone.

But... and this is just for you... it's probably not being felt by someone as honest and interesting and expressive as you, Stilly.

Q xx

[Aussiegirl1]

Silke,

I read your post yesterday and had a reply ready to send, when the site went down.

I am glad you are feeling less alone with all the support of your friends here. I know that does not take the place of your Master but it must help a lot.

take care and know we are thinking of you
Aussiegirl

[Timberwolf]

Silke

I haven't been here long, but as you already know I sent you a PM yesterday and if you ever need someone to talk to, add me to the list of names who will be willing to listen.

[Warbaby1943]

Silke,

I do hope you are feeling better. Knowing you have the support of this community has to be a big help.

You can always talk about your feelings here and know that we are all feeling them with you. Glad you are so sure that it is all worth it because that is what makes it all worth it. Take care.

[hawk_fann]

Silke-
I empathize with you. Sometimes life gets in the way of a relationship, be it r/l or online. The loneliness that causes is one of those dull voids that no amount of good wishes or sympathy seem able to fill. They help though, and you should take to heart the support the members of the community have poured out for you in this thread. We all missed you when your service was out and are glad that you are back. Take heart in this, and keep riding the rollercoaster - you never know what special thing awaits you around the next corner. :)

[Silke]

Aaaaww, you did it again *wipes tear away*...I was only looking for a place to get some of my feelings out and look what came back to me!! Y'all are awesome and I feel priviledged to be a part of this community. Thank you for all the compassion and love...you made my day and put a smile back on my face. I honestly don't have reason to feel lonely, not with so many friends around. :)

[Widget]

I couldn't add anything to this that has not already been said except to send you a big *hug* and a mental shoulder to lean your head on if you need one.

[Tojo]

Anytime Silke, you're a valued member of the family. :wave:

Tojo

[Silke]

'k, since I've dumped all my misery on you it seems only fair that I share the good times as well. ;)

There are a few good things that came out of my last post. For one, it made me value this community even more (if that's possible). Your support means a lot to me and I'd like to thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I hope I'll be able to give some of what I received back when and where it is needed.

The other great thing...after posting I talked with someone here and met this amazing person from a completely different and unexpected angle. We found that we share a lot more than we thought and have become friends. *smiles* You never know which new deck of cards life will deal out for you when you turn an unexpected corner. :)

And...I finally got to talk to my Master on the weekend. *overjoyed* I felt so incredibly loved and warm and secure with him in my life again. He's a wizard, you know...whenever he's around all my worries and tears miraculously disappear. I didn't know just how much I feed on his presence until then...how much I needed to hear him say that he loves me...how much I need his guidance and friendship. My heart's at peace again knowing he still cares and I'll be alright from now on, I guess. The tiny voice in the back of my mind that feared he might forget me while he's busy is quiet now. :)

I'm more vulnerable and stronger because of you, Master. If that makes any sense at all. Thank you for making me feel alive, really alive...I'm starting to appreciate both the ups and downs of the ride, the light feels much brighter after a long dark night. I love you. :)

[Aussiegirl1]

Silke,

So pleased to know you are back on track again and feeling better. I guess like all areas of life, we learn and grow with each new experience.

I can totally relate to what you say about never knowing what life has in store for you. I could never have imagined how much a life can change in only 6 months. Finding a new friend is always nice, especially when it is totally unexpected.

Aussiegirl

[Talia]

'k, since I've dumped all my misery on you it seems only fair that I share the good times as well. ;)

There are a few good things that came out of my last post. For one, it made me value this community even more (if that's possible). Your support means a lot to me and I'd like to thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I hope I'll be able to give some of what I received back when and where it is needed.

The other great thing...after posting I talked with someone here and met this amazing person from a completely different and unexpected angle. We found that we share a lot more than we thought and have become friends. *smiles* You never know which new deck of cards life will deal out for you when you turn an unexpected corner. :)

And...I finally got to talk to my Master on the weekend. *overjoyed* I felt so incredibly loved and warm and secure with him in my life again. He's a wizard, you know...whenever he's around all my worries and tears miraculously disappear. I didn't know just how much I feed on his presence until then...how much I needed to hear him say that he loves me...how much I need his guidance and friendship. My heart's at peace again knowing he still cares and I'll be alright from now on, I guess. The tiny voice in the back of my mind that feared he might forget me while he's busy is quiet now. :)

I'm more vulnerable and stronger because of you, Master. If that makes any sense at all. Thank you for making me feel alive, really alive...I'm starting to appreciate both the ups and downs of the ride, the light feels much brighter after a long dark night. I love you. :)


It's amazing when you talk to the one you love how everything is right again.


Those friends tend to pop up at the most unexpected times ;)

[Warbaby1943]

Silke,

I'm so glad you are once again happy. I hope you stay that way forever. I too know the feeling of finding a close friend or two here. This site is truly amazing and I'll appreciate it always.

[Silke]

*smiles* Thank y'all for your kind words.

Unexpected twists, yeah...isn't it wild when it all makes sense once you look back on what happened? It seems like fate and everything makes sense then, when it really is just a series of simple (or tough) decisions we make that lead us there. A wonderful thought to know we open new doors with every single one...

Lol, now I certainly justified the title of this thread! Well, you've all been warned, I'm rambling...beware. ;) Or feel free to ramble away yourselves. *grins*

[Tojo]

This site is truly amazing and I'll appreciate it always.

This, like any site is only as good as the people on it WB.



Tojo

[cookiecat]

Silke - I just wanted to send a sub hug your way and am glad you have returned to a happy place. I am new here and usually just lurk around...but in reading your comments throughout the forum, I've felt your warmth and commitment.

I too have found it overwhelming to give so much to a person you've never met - these feelings are new and exciting and confusing. It helps to know there are others out there. Take care - cookiecat.

[Silke]

Aaaww, cookiecat...that's so sweet, thanks. I'd love to hear more, so if you feel like sharing some of your own story, feel free to abuse this thread - it's open to anyone. :)

And you're right, even if it doesn't change anything about the situation itself, knowing that we're not alone in this and that others have survived similar phases helps a lot.

[Tojo]

Yes I'd like to second what Silke says- a lovely post cookiecat, please tell us more.

Boy can you ever have feelings for someone you've never met.


Tojo

[Warbaby1943]

This, like any site is only as good as the people on it WB.



Tojo
Tojo you're absolutely right about that. There are some very incredible people here and I've had the pleasure to meet a few, yourself included.

[mina]

Boy can you ever have feelings for someone you've never met.


That sure is true! I have two online friends I've known for years and it feels like they're part of my family, even though I've never met one of them.

Silke, I can't really add much to what others have already said, but I'm glad you're feeling better and finally got to talk to your Master again! Hopefully you won't have to go that long again without him.

[Silke]

Thanks, mina...I hope so too. But it'll be a good while before things get back to normal and I just have to find a way to cope in a more healthy way. Getting there, though. :)

[cookiecat]

Silke, I just had to smile when you said "it will be a while until things get back to normal" - that somehow our "normal" has become giving our heart/mind/body to someone we've never met, held, kissed..... but someone we know so well.

In any event, you sound as though you are approaching your r/l in a healthy manner; talking things over and finding support from those who share or atleast understand your feelings is a very good step.

Here's to more normal days ahead!! cookiecat

ps - thanks tojo for the kind words

[Silke]

Silke, I just had to smile when you said "it will be a while until things get back to normal" - that somehow our "normal" has become giving our heart/mind/body to someone we've never met, held, kissed..... but someone we know so well.

Lol, did I really say that? Man...the things I consider to be normal nowadays. And it's only been a few months. Sometimes I forget how far I've come on the journey in such a short time and I take that as a good sign, like I've come closer to my real essence. It feels so liberating to follow my heart instead of trying to fit into a mainstream stereotype that never suited me. Strange how other people seem to have seen that before I realised it myself, I know my Master did. *smiles*

Sooo....any chance of hearing something more from your life, cookiecat? ;)

[cookiecat]

Silke - see? you are such a warm sub. I have no intention of hijacking your thread. My story is probably not much different from many; I have read the stories forever and for some reason, started looking around the forum and the academy. I thought what a better way to see if this is something I really like than to join the academy...road test a few actual tasks....

Was in the chat room lurking and met someone....it's only been a short time but very intense. We are taking things very slow but it's been very revealing and very rewarding.

Oops - started hijacking! Thanks for the ear. And so glad things are returning to "normal" for you and your Master.

[His Slut]

*tiptoes in, begins reading...*

[His Slut]

*warm hugs for Silke*

Sorry if it seems a bit forward, but I just couldn't help myself...

[Silke]

No need to tiptoe, HS...feel free to walk around and stomp your feet. ;) And a warm hug is always appreciated...thanks!

I'm glad to have provided a place to share some of your story, cookiecat. And yes, some of it sounds very familar and brings back memories. *smiles* My first dive into the lifestyle was at a different site but the real journey started at the academy and here at the forums, too. I'm glad you found someone special here...and I'm looking forward to hearing how things develop. :)

[Tojo]

Thanks for a peek at your life cookiecat- that's hardly hijacking when Silke invites you to post.

We're here to share our lives- our 'normal' lives...:32:


Tojo

[His Slut]

No need to tiptoe, HS...feel free to walk around and stomp your feet. ;) And a warm hug is always appreciated...thanks!

Well, in that case...


*CLOMP, STOMP, BANG, STOMP*

:blurp_ani

[Silke]

Yay...noise!! *grins* Glad y'all feel at home here.....:)

[His Slut]

Yeah, I noticed there's not much noise up in here. What's up with that???? I'm not the quiet type really...

[Tojo]

Yeah, I noticed there's not much noise up in here. What's up with that???? I'm not the quiet type really...


Well I'm behaving myself out of respect for a young lady who means the world to me.

Tojo

[His Slut]

Well I'm behaving myself out of respect for a young lady who means the world to me.

Tojo

*glances furtively at Silke*

It almost sounds like she needs a bit of noise, though...?

[Silke]

And she doesn't like it loud?? Katie...we're only after some harmless shouting and dancing here...no kinky loud stuff....promise! *uncrosses fingers behind back* Just bring your girl along, Tojo. ;)

[His Slut]

Well, hell!!! In that case...

*busts out the way old school booty music and a case of Zima...*

Let's get the party started!

[Silke]

*grins*...help a poor foreigner out here...what's Zima??

[Tojo]

Yes- with katie by my side I can make a LOT of noise.

That works for me.

Let's rock. :cool:


Tojo

[His Slut]

*grins*...help a poor foreigner out here...what's Zima??


Sorry, love...you REALLY don't wanna know...it's pretty much like an unflavored wine cooler. Pretty popular here in the states about 15 years ago with the 15 to 18 year old crowd.

[Silke]

Sounds like a plan, Tojo! Let's change this thread from depressive to partying, lol. Ain't no better cure for a) the hangover I got from last night and b) feeling lonely. *grins*

But if I'm guessing correctly about Zima being booze, pleeeeeaaase leave me out of that! My head still hurts...;)

[His Slut]

Sounds like a plan, Tojo! Let's change this thread from depressive to partying, lol. Ain't no better cure for a) the hangover I got from last night and b) feeling lonely. *grins*

But if I'm guessing correctly about Zima being booze, pleeeeeaaase leave me out of that! My head still hurts...;)

Not REALLY booze...6 of them will get you a slight buzz...

*sneaks away and pours herself another Tanqueray and Tonic*

[Silke]

*sees HS sneaking off for a drink and flinches* Oh boy, I'll never drink again! Hang on...I said that last week, too. Some people never learn, I guess, lol.

Anyone up for a dance? :D

[His Slut]

*sees HS sneaking off for a drink and flinches* Oh boy, I'll never drink again! Hang on...I said that last week, too. Some people never learn, I guess, lol.

Anyone up for a dance? :D

Yeah, that's what I said too!

*cranks up the booty music and starts grinding*

[Silke]

*moves up behind HS and gets into the rhythm* Yessss, if anything helps putting your mind at ease it's dancing!! :D Well, there's something else that might do the trick, but...

[cookiecat]

just got back from chris isaak concert and see the party has started! have dirty martini in hand and starts dancing with HS & Silke.... it IS time for fun. ;che

[Silke]

Mmmmm...Chris Isaak...helluva sexy voice! :D

[Silke]

Fuck, fuck, FUCK! You know, I thought I was doing pretty darn well this week...but it just all collapsed like a card house. *sighs* I think my resolve to work through being lonely only works until Sundays, then all the energy is used up and I'm raw...no protective layer left.

I knew I'd probably only get to talk to Master on weekends, so I was ok...until now. It's Monday now, officially...no word from Master the whole weekend.....and with the new work week starting....probably another wait until the weekend....and then? *sighs* I don't know how many weeks like this I can take!! It's not only being lonely - it's not knowing when or if he'll be there, spending my nights online waiting for the slight chance that he might log on and not wanting to waste one of those precious opportunities, not knowing fuck all...only hoping, wishing, praying, crying...trying to figure out what can be so damn difficult in just sending a single line to say he cares but can't talk right now? Am I being unfair? Maybe. But right now I can't do anything about it...I just miss him like crazy, miss him so much it hurts. And he's the only cure - go figure!

[Timberwolf]

"It's not only being lonely - it's not knowing when or if he'll be there, spending my nights online waiting for the slight chance that he might log on and not wanting to waste one of those precious opportunities, not knowing fuck all..."

Been there, done that.

Hell, still do it some nights.

[cookiecat]

ohhhhhhhhh silke - sits next to you, puts arm around you and hands you my martini. i'll cry a little with you....

although i got to talk to my sir - and i am so grateful for that, we had a weird row. not even really a fight, maybe a misunderstanding? i got the "talk" - not sure when he can be with me next, we both have responsibilities and all.

which then makes me feel just like what you said - i'm running to the computer, hoping to catch him, find an e-mail, just checking in....but i got a little bratty and said well of course i have a real life, too - does he think i'm just sitting here waiting for him? which i am but....

sighs. oh silke - all will be well, i just know it. in the meantime, let's put our sexiest shoes on and go out. (or....put our jammies on, pop a big bowl of popcorn & rent a movie??)

take very good care. cookie

[Silke]

*wipes tears away and manages a smile* Oh please, not you as well, cookiecat. I really don't wish this on anyone. *hugs*

And by the way...I do have a life and I'm sure you do as well. I personally just sleep less. Which is okay as long as I hit the jackpot every now and again...but constantly hoping and being frustrated? I know I could just let it be, go out, get some sleep, whatever....but if I never know if I might miss the one night he finds time to sign on? No, I'm not going to risk that.

Thanks for the invitation, cookiecat...I just don't think I'm party material right now, lol. Not presentable that's for sure. ;)

[cookiecat]

no no - silke - i think i can only understand a small piece of what you must feel. just wanted to extend a hug and say thoughts are with you. take care! cookie

[Silke]

*hugs back* I hope you'll work things out between you and your domly one...or that you just find more hours in the day so that you always have a few spare ones to talk. :)

Take care!

[Talia]

Fuck, fuck, FUCK! You know, I thought I was doing pretty darn well this week...but it just all collapsed like a card house. *sighs* I think my resolve to work through being lonely only works until Sundays, then all the energy is used up and I'm raw...no protective layer left.

I knew I'd probably only get to talk to Master on weekends, so I was ok...until now. It's Monday now, officially...no word from Master the whole weekend.....and with the new work week starting....probably another wait until the weekend....and then? *sighs* I don't know how many weeks like this I can take!! It's not only being lonely - it's not knowing when or if he'll be there, spending my nights online waiting for the slight chance that he might log on and not wanting to waste one of those precious opportunities, not knowing fuck all...only hoping, wishing, praying, crying...trying to figure out what can be so damn difficult in just sending a single line to say he cares but can't talk right now? Am I being unfair? Maybe. But right now I can't do anything about it...I just miss him like crazy, miss him so much it hurts. And he's the only cure - go figure!

I feel you hun. *heart crying for the one I seek*

[Widget]

*hugs* Silke

[Silke]

Thanks for the hugs and kind words. *curls up on the sofa to sleep* Didn't get much of that last night.

...big hug for SB, you sound like you need one, too. :)

[His Slut]

{{{{{Silke}}}}

Sounds like you need it...

[KermitsKeeper]

Oh Silke, I'm so sorry! My subby heart goes out to you, and my new Mistress mind is taking notes. Praying for an evening where your Master is there for you, or at least a simple note so you know he thinks you're as wonderful as the rest of us do!

[Silke]

*hugs back HS and Kate just because it feels good* :)

Thanks, Kate...it's weird, I mean I know he cares and is just too busy right now, but I feel completely deflated...it just sneaks up on me. I don't think I've ever been so dependant on someone's words and care before. It's wonderful usually, but a curse if you're left alone like this. Lol, who am I telling this - you know both sides of the story. ;)

*sighs* y'all remember when I said I'm losing my protective layers? Well, I sure did last night and I hope he won't take it the wrong way when he reads the messages I sent out to him then. All sad and frustrated chaotic rants like the one I posted here...and believe me, this is a new side I'm seeing from myself. Looking back I wish I would have maintained my composure better. I mean, he has enough on his plate now without my dumping emotional outbursts on him. I'll try to get back to more civilized subbie behaviour...

[Talia]

Dear Silke....I don't think he'll blame you in the least! I think it's great you sent the messages you did. I think he will be grateful you shared your deepest feeling with him. I know those can be of anger and frustration to.....sometimes..doms need to see that too. Take care hun....we've all got our wondefful conterparts we miss terribly. (((((silke))))

[Silke]

Yeah, maybe you're right, SB. I just tried to put myself into his shoes - you're terribly stressed from work, hardly have the time to do anything just for yourself and then, after a long time, you log in, hoping to see the people you love and spend some quality time.....and all you find are more problems. That's what hit me when I read some of this again. You know, I'd be put off...yeah, I'd care and be sad, but it would look like work to me. Then again, I'm not a Dom, lol - maybe they think differently. ;)

Anyway, I apologized for dumping all my problems on him last night - NOT for feeling like I did, just for bothering him with this right now. And even though I know he probably hasn't read a single one of my messages yet, I feel better now.

Until the next outburst...keep watching this spot, lol. ;)

[Tojo]

Well if he's worth his salt Silke, he'll just know that you care.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy- particularly in this lifestyle.


Tojo

[Silke]

Good point, Tojo. And as I said before, I didn't apologize for feeling the way I did, just for the time I chose to 'vent'. But then again, it's better that it's out and I don't have to explain everything again once we get some of that precious time together. I'd hate to waste it...

I'm pretty sure he prefers to see the outbursts over some fake happy facade, so yeah - honesty is the way to go.

Today has been a good day. I've felt him close somehow, it's hard to explain...but I get those days when he's almost tangible, as if he was watching me as I go about my day. Those days I catch myself walking taller, holding my head high and seeing him in every person I meet...I'm at my best on those days, feel strong and secure...and loved. Oh, and incredibly sexy and horny, lol. Well...the latter might be due to not having been able to touch for ages now (okay, a week IS an eternity for me, lol) and also because I read the most erotic story last night *melts*. Thanks, Sbbe, for the recommendation - not sure whether to kiss or curse you, though. It's been pure torture not to go for that orgasm lurking just around the corner, grrrr. ;)

[Evan_]

Silke,
<Sitting on the edge of the couch, pulling up the cover on Silke>

Yes, dommes think differently than subs. I've been on both sides of that fence, and both are difficult. My money is on this one: he wants to spend lots of time with you and feels a 30-second "hihowareya, talktoyalater" isn't fair to you; you need more and deserve more. That's where my head was when we we apart, anyway. Now that I'm on "this" side of the fence, even though we spend exactly as much time apart as we ever did before, it feels like for-EVER to me now. I spent all day Sunday hitting the email, hoping, praying, pleading for a response... nothing. I feel your pain.

As for an outlet, even if you think you can't write poetry, i strongly recommend it. it doesn't have to be "good," just from your heart. write words that come to your mind, in any order, any phrasing, spelling doesn't count. Fill the page and turn it. Fill the next one. It does not have to rhyme, or fit into any pattern at all. It doesn't have to be flowery, serious, or even coherent. It's words, from you. Don't throw it away, though. date it, put it away, then look at it much much later. You may find a phrase, a thought, an emotion, that you didn't recognize earlier. One rule: just write. I promise you it will help.

If you haven't been keeping up on Kate and I, we're new to this game, and learning every day. We recently swapped roles, mostly on a dare, and both discovered something amazing and joyous in the new position. I had assumed that after just a few days we would both grow bored and ask to swap back, but 3 weeks later, my mistress has asked me to re-draft our written agreement! :)!

Well, not to hijack, let's bring this back to the point: as an "individual who gives the gift of his submission on a daily basis to a dear trusted friend" (or IWGTGOHSOADBTADTF for short ha ha ha), i can assure you that time apart can be painful, drawn out, depressing, and just plain bad. I think of her almost constantly. I don't know I can comfort you any more than to offer my arms in a comforting hug, and offer a shoulder and an ear.

All the best,
Evan

[Silke]

Oh my, Evan...thank you for that wonderful post. I had tears in my eyes after reading just the first line. *curls up some more under the covers* :)

Yes, I've been following your and Kate's steps into your new life - what an amazing journey and one I never expected. *grins* I seems I wasn't the only one who was surprised. It's been so interesting to see both of you getting comfortable in your new shoes and I can't wait how things will develop between you. It seems you have some interesting tasks waiting for you from what I've seen in another thread...;) No worries about highjacking this thread by the way - it's open for everyone to share as long as they can stand my ramblings, lol. Since it's got my name on it I almost feel compelled to throw in my thoughts...

As spot on as your estimate of the reasons to the long periods of silence might be, the mystery of the recent lack of presence from my Master was due to computer issues. *sends not-so-silent curses to the tech-gods* I just found a message from him in my mailbox. YAY!!! :) :) :) But the thought has crossed my mind as well - if you don't have the time to talk properly, don't talk at all. Only that from the sub point of view it's maybe a little different... Sure, if it was up to me we'd never stop being together, but a little note sometimes helps me through the day. It's the gesture, not the content necessarily.

I'll look into your poetry suggestion, give it a try. Usually I'm too much of a perfectionist to do something like that, but doing it mainly for myself might be a nice outlet. And maybe I'll get over that eeeeww feeling when reading my own writings at some stage, lol. If I ever write something that survives my censorship I'll post it here. ;)

Thank you for lending your ear and shoulder...the latter has proven to be amazingly comfortable and comforting. *smiles* A big hug for you and Kate - you're so sweet. I hope you'll find a way to make the time apart from your mistress as short as possible, and the time together even more special - it's precious. :)

Take care,
Silke

[KermitsKeeper]

Silke, I'm so happy you heard from your Master! :) Computers are such a blessing and such a curse, aren't they? And Evan will tell you, if you ask him, that I have a tendency to flood his inbox unless I am on vacation or on an outing with my family... So although he had a torturous Sunday, most of the time he's hearing from me. Having been on the sub side, I couldn't let him suffer for too long! I also agree with you that he has the most comforting shoulder... I took advantage of it today after an upsetting event at work, and he pulled me through, like always. Of course the offer to break the knees of the person who upset me was a nice touch! I'm glad he was able to offer his comfort to you, as well. He has a big heart, my sweet frog.

I used to write a lot of poetry... I ran into a book of it I wrote in high school and college (which was longer ago than I want to think about) and found some of it to be decent, but most made me laugh my ass off. Sometimes that's healing, too!

I hope there are no more computer issues, and also that you have a chance to tell your Master that even a "hihowareya, talktoyalater" is welcome to let you know you are on his mind. You are a special lady to us all, but I know how important a Master's words can be to get us through each day.

Hugs!
Kate

[Tojo]

Great thread Silke, reading this is like finding a secret room on the forum.

Hmm....


Tojo

[cookiecat]

i'm so happy you've heard from you Master, Silke. Good good good.

Hearing from others, the advice & support for you, as well as how you've been doing is comforting for a newbie like me to read. Thanks for rambling and here's to better days ahead.

cookiecat

[Silke]

Kate - I hope your work issues are resolved and your sweet little frog didn't have to break anybody's knees. *giggles* So cute! :D Thank you both for making me smile. *hugs*

Tojo - This thread is indeed wonderful and so much more than I expected when I started it. I still get goosebumps from the amount of care and support everybody has spilled into our secret room...wow!

cookie - I'm still a newbie myself, maybe not so much to the forum anymore, but to the lifestyle. And I so understand how you're feeling. Turning over a new page is a challenge sometimes and a bit scary, but with a strong and caring community like this to draw from...it all becomes easier and you don't feel as lost anymore. *raises glass* To better days ahead and to us! :)

About last night *smiles*...I didn't only find an email but also got to talk to Master for a bit. Oh my God, I felt giddy as a teenager in love, almost drunk with happiness. Lol, and I'll call him Santa from now on! He changed a few of our rules, added some fun stuff to my daily routines...all to keep me busy and feel loved while he can't be there for me as much as we both want. And it helps, you know. The novelty keeps me focused and the treats put a huge smile on my face. Thank you so much, Master. *hugs and kisses* :)

What really caught me off guard was the intensity of emotions I went through while talking with him, though. I broke out in tears when he told me to keep in mind that he loves me and thinks of me. Did I need to hear it that bad? I hardly regained composure long after he had to leave. It's as if someone's pulled the plug on me and emotions run wild...I've never been that way before. If you'd ask my friends they'd tell you I was pretty levelled out, hardly go to extreme moods, never quite let go and if I did, it was only towards the positive end of the scale. Even my mum said something like that the other day - that I'd always been a mystery to her and she never could 'read' me. How can someone tear down the facade I've kept so long in just a few months? He pushes my buttons - conciously or not - with such ease, it blows my mind and leaves me breathless. I'm still struggling to find ways to deal with those emotions, but it's probably the biggest gift he ever gave me and also the biggest gift from me to him, and the scariest and most fulfilling thing I've experienced. I've never trusted anyone to lead me to this place before.

Have a great day, everyone. Love y'all! :)

[hawk_fann]

Silke - I'm sorry to say I lost track of your thread and had some catching up to do. May I say I hope we here at the Forums never have the misfortune of having to endure your absence for periods like you've missed your Master. You're a treasure and we would miss you terribly. I'm happy you've had some time with him - keep us posted and know we're all here for you. :)

[Evan_]

Kate - I hope your work issues are resolved and your sweet little frog didn't have to break anybody's knees. *giggles* So cute! :D Thank you both for making me smile. *hugs*
....
He changed a few of our rules, added some fun stuff to my daily routines...all to keep me busy and feel loved while he can't be there for me as much as we both want.
Kate said a few well-chosen words, and the gentleman in question apologized immediately. Patellas everywhere are rejoicing. ;)

So what rules did he change, and what daily routines did he add???? All of us newbies are drooling to find out!

My daily tasks includ emailing mistress Kate daily, letting her know what day of her cycle it is, blogging a little journal entry each day, and brushing in the mornings (a weakness and typical oversight of mine). There are a few other things that are less frequent than daily, but I know she is always on the prowl for new ideas; daily, weekly, monthly, sporadically, etc.

Glad to hear you found your smile!! :)

[Silke]

Hey hawk, no worries...I'm losing track of myself sometimes, lol. ;) And thanks for the flattering words, I'll try and stay with y'all. *grins*

Evan - glad to hear that the knee issue was resolved without violence, lol. The pacifist in me rejoices. :D

Hmm, routines *ponders*. Only item of 'clothing' allowed at home when I'm alone is my collar (which I wear almost all the time anyway); all drinks at home are from a bowl; no touching myself for sexual pleasure without permission (well, there's a way around that *grins*...with tasks from the academy...shhhhh ;)); and I sleep with a leash attached to my collar and bed at night....

We have a few private games as well, but those shall remain exactly that...private.

The things that he added last night were soooooo nice and mostly there to add a little pleasure to my lonely life and show me that he cares. First of all I'm allowed a CUP of coffee in the morning, YAY!!! I begged for that, lol. The other huge thing was that I'm allowed to cum every other day and 'have to' *raises eyebrow* masturbate to the edge of orgasm at least once a day. ;) A completely new one is practicing a position before going to bed - I mentioned that I was getting out of training, go figure - ask and you shall receive. But it's such a nice submissive thing to do and puts my mind on him before I go to sleep, there's something meditative about holding a position and I like that a lot. :)

A special treat was that he added to my last task at the academy. Knowing that he took the time to go through the task and come up with something for me made me melt on the spot.

You see, it's all little things, but with every single one of those routines I'm reminded of him and feel him close. *sighs happily*

[Warbaby1943]

Hey hawk, no worries...I'm losing track of myself sometimes, lol. ;) And thanks for the flattering words, I'll try and stay with y'all. *grins*

Evan - glad to hear that the knee issue was resolved without violence, lol. The pacifist in me rejoices. :D

Hmm, routines *ponders*. Only item of 'clothing' allowed at home when I'm alone is my collar (which I wear almost all the time anyway); all drinks at home are from a bowl; no touching myself for sexual pleasure without permission (well, there's a way around that *grins*...with tasks from the academy...shhhhh ;)); and I sleep with a leash attached to my collar and bed at night....

We have a few private games as well, but those shall remain exactly that...private.

The things that he added last night were soooooo nice and mostly there to add a little pleasure to my lonely life and show me that he cares. First of all I'm allowed a CUP of coffee in the morning, YAY!!! I begged for that, lol. The other huge thing was that I'm allowed to cum every other day and 'have to' *raises eyebrow* masturbate to the edge of orgasm at least once a day. ;) A completely new one is practicing a position before going to bed - I mentioned that I was getting out of training, go figure - ask and you shall receive. But it's such a nice submissive thing to do and puts my mind on him before I go to sleep, there's something meditative about holding a position and I like that a lot. :)

A special treat was that he added to my last task at the academy. Knowing that he took the time to go through the task and come up with something for me made me melt on the spot.

You see, it's all little things, but with every single one of those routines I'm reminded of him and feel him close. *sighs happily*
silke, you do sound happy again and that is so great. Hope it always remains that way for you.

[Silke]

Thanks Warbaby...yeah, woke up with a smile this morning and I also hope it stays that way. :) Sometimes happiness is just dumped on you but more often it's something we create for ourselves...and that is something I'm willing to work on. I have so much to be thankful for and smile about, it's all a matter of choosing your perspective...

[Warbaby1943]

Thanks Warbaby...yeah, woke up with a smile this morning and I also hope it stays that way. :) Sometimes happiness is just dumped on you but more often it's something we create for ourselves...and that is something I'm willing to work on. I have so much to be thankful for and smile about, it's all a matter of choosing your perspective...
So true. We often have to make our own beds. It is nice to have someone to share that bed with if only in our hearts.:wave:

[MajesticFae]

I'm glad he contacted you. =) I hope that I will be able to find a Master who makes me feel the way you do about yours. I wish you extreme happiness, giddiness and giggles in completing your new tasks. =)

[Silke]

*smiles* I'll keep my fingers crossed for your search, MajesticFace. Never stop looking before you find the one who deserves your heart and soul...or he finds you as was the case with me. I know I was lucky that way. :)

[Timberwolf]

Silke - Good to hear that by the looks of things, it's coming out well for you. And I'm not entriely sure it has to do with luck; perhaps more with simply finding what you deserve.

Be happy.

[Silke]

That's such a sweet thing of you to say, Timberwolf. I'm not always sure I 'deserve' him, he seems to be too good to be true, lol...I guess he sees something in me that I don't. But since I value his judgement in general, I'm not going to doubt him on this one...;)

By the way...what about that special lady you have met? *smiles* I've seen hints around the forums...

[Timberwolf]

Just a young lady I've encountered here, who happens to live within a reasonable distance of me, share a fair chunk of my interests, and a mutual attaction. And we seem to have the habit of agreeing with each other all the time.

We shall see where it leads... but I would be a liar if I said my hopes were not up at this point.

[Tojo]

I'm glad he contacted you. =) I hope that I will be able to find a Master who makes me feel the way you do about yours. I wish you extreme happiness, giddiness and giggles in completing your new tasks. =)


I'm sure you'll find someone MF- just be yourself. :)

All the best Wolfie, hope it works out.


Tojo

[Silke]

Hey, that sounds wonderful, Timberwolf! I'll keep my fingers crossed for the two of you...:)

[KermitsKeeper]

Me too, Timberwolf! Hope she is interested in popsicles... ;)

Silke, good to see you happy! And from what I've seen from your posts, you deserve nothing less than the best... I'm glad you found it when he found you! :)

[Timberwolf]

Thanks bunch, for the kind words and well wishes.

[cookiecat]

it seems the sun, the stars, the moon align and all is well.... we all go through moments of doubt, anguish, scariness...but then - something shifts - maybe it's perspective? and all seems clear.

silke, you seem to have come through this wiser, maybe more humbled? and with much support. you are an inspiration - thanks for sharing

kate & evan - your situation is so touching & so relevant...

and timber - good luck in your new friendship? connection? as i read your posts, you come across as very thoughtful but very - ummm - clever...

here's to a challenging week behind us and to a blissful week ahead.

cookiecat

[Silke]

Thanks, Kate! :)


silke, you seem to have come through this wiser, maybe more humbled? and with much support.

*thoughtful* Yes, I think I'm learning something here. I'm such a noob to relationships and all that jazz...and have been behaving a bit like a child who's been deprived of candy...throwing tantrums, feeling hurt, not being able to deal with those strong emotions. It seems like I'm finding new ways to cope now and yes, I feel humbled and a tad bit wiser. Maybe I'm growing up finally? :)

Everyone - have a great weekend and a little time with the people you love, be they physically close or only close to your heart and mind. :)

[Silke]

Hmm, it's been a while...

I thought I had adjusted finally, and probably I have. Last night was a set back, though. I've noticed something in my behaviour that made for an uneasy sleep and a horror day today.

Basically, I think it's a result of having such limited time together. I feel the time we have is special and I feel bringing up somewhat negative stuff would be a waste of time...which isn't a problem as long as there aren't any problems. *sighs*

Last night when we talked I fucked up big time...at least I think I did. Master surprised me with unexpected play time *big smile*...I knew he had limited time, though, and somehow I tensed up. Damn, looking back it all seems so ridiculous, no big deal! Anyway - when he told me to cum for him I was lightyears from being there...my mind was already with him leaving...no freakin' way I could have cum like that. Instead of telling him so, though, I lied...downright lied. I played the happy sub and we said our goodbyes.

I was crushed, immediately realized what I'd done and started writing an email to him, confessed and must have said sorry a thousand times. Right then it felt like I had just destroyed the basis of our relationship...hell knows, maybe I did. We've talked about how openness and honesty was essential to us...and I just overstepped that line with a smile on my face?? How can anyone be so stupid?

Anyway - the fear of having destroyed something beautiful and pure didn't leave me all day. It clung to me like dirt. Waiting for his reply has been torture...a huge mix of fear and hope. I dread having to face him after this but on the other hand it's talking to him that I crave most.

If I could only go back in time and do it right.

[Tojo]

Silke, go & stand in front of the mirror- look yourself in the eye & forgive yourself.

From what I know about being a Dom, if my girl was perfect the whole thing would be pointless.

Our little mistakes- which we all make, are nothing more than ripples in the pool of our lives. :)

Tojo

[Talia]

Silke, go & stand in front of the mirror- look yourself in the eye & forgive yourself.


Tojo

Great advice....Silke....off you go.....;)

[cookiecat]

It is too true, if every connection we made were perfect, how would we appreciate the ones that truly were?

It is hard when you want so much to please him in the limited time you have.
But I'm guessing your Master knows you very well and this will be an issue that brings you closer.


Our little mistakes- which we all make, are nothing more than ripples in the pool of our lives. :)

Tojo

Tojo is most wise.

[Silke]

Thanks for putting a smile back on my face. I'll let you know how it goes...

[MajesticFae]

*hugs* I wish the best for you, Silke. =) I'm sure your Master will forgive you, as long as you've forgiven yourself. Do as Tojo said, go look in a mirror and forgive yourself.

Just relax honey and eat some chocolate and some milk and simply breathe easy. Things will work out fine!

[Nikita]

Last night when we talked I fucked up big time...at least I think I did. Master surprised me with unexpected play time *big smile*...I knew he had limited time, though, and somehow I tensed up. Damn, looking back it all seems so ridiculous, no big deal! Anyway - when he told me to cum for him I was lightyears from being there...my mind was already with him leaving...no freakin' way I could have cum like that. Instead of telling him so, though, I lied...downright lied. I played the happy sub and we said our goodbyes.
Poor Silke, I understand because I did the same thing. We're good little subbies, wanting to please Master. You've probably been in training to cum on command, which is a very difficult thing to achieve, but, couldn't perform for a variety of reasons, the most important was the swirling thoughts about the short time you about to have with him.


I was crushed, immediately realized what I'd done and started writing an email to him, confessed and must have said sorry a thousand times. Right then it felt like I had just destroyed the basis of our relationship...hell knows, maybe I did. We've talked about how openness and honesty was essential to us...and I just overstepped that line with a smile on my face?? How can anyone be so stupid?

Of course by now you know stupidity wasn't involved at all. Somehow, I feel he must have known that you couldn't perform under those circumstances.


Anyway - the fear of having destroyed something beautiful and pure didn't leave me all day. It clung to me like dirt. Waiting for his reply has been torture...a huge mix of fear and hope. I dread having to face him after this but on the other hand it's talking to him that I crave most. If I could only go back in time and do it right.

If he is a good master, he will recognize what a devoted sub you are. He will also be pleased that you told him the truth, even if it is after the fact. The worst that can happen is that he puts you on cum deprivation. But I hear that's not a bad thing. :)

It is your duty to inform your dominant of things you could not do and to tell him why. You are human. Don't be afraid to be honest because he needs that information. He will tell you the same thing.

Dominants who don't ask questions of their subs such as 'why couldn't you cum,' or 'how do you feel about a short play session even tho I have a limited time,' don't value the gift they've received, the exchange of power with their submissive.

Be patient. You are very worthy.

[Aussiegirl1]

Silke,

I hope by now you have spoken to your Master and you are feeling better again. I am sure he will understand and forgive you, and as Tojo has said, you need to forgive yourself too.

I am sure you are not alone is trying to please your Master and you can only learn from this and move on.

[mina]

Silke, some great advice has been given! All I can do is offer you some hugs and chocolate ice cream :) I'm sure your Master will understand. Best of luck *hugs*

[Silke]

D'oh...how right you all were! *mental slap to forehead and big grin*

I'll tell you a bit more later (limited time before work right now) but just wanted to let all of you sweet souls who replied know that I'm fine.

Damn, he was so freaking cute about it. He knows me well, indeed, knows the hell I put myself through when I feel like I've failed him...every time I fear I've fucked up entirely, he surprises me with gently picking me up from the floor and giving me a hug.....know what I mean? *sighs* I love him. :)

Maybe I should channel my talent for worst case scenarios into writing, rather than into my D/s life ;)

'k, thanks for all the support and for getting me some perspective...I'll respond with a bit more when I get home tonight. Love you all. :)

Silke

[Silke]

'k, it took a bit longer than a day to respond more fully, lol. Sorry 'bout that.

nikita - yeah, we've been working on cumming on command, but haven't had a lot of time for that recently. If it had only been that I was 'late' I wouldn't have spent another thought on it - I'm not a machine, lol. I had a complete block, though. He asked me after a couple of minutes if I was still with him and I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I wasn't even getting close and to leave it for the night.

The whole day after that I spent wondering why I lied about that. I think partially it was due to not wanting to end our precious time together with disappointing him (*sighs* of course he wouldn't have been disappointed)...but I couldn't help but wonder whether it ran deeper than that.

In the back of my mind there's always a tiny voice asking whether I'm good enough for him. He's been trying for ages to make me feel secure and loved just the way I am, and it's getting better. Sometimes, though...I just fall back into old patterns and I've been wondering whether I tried to put on a show for him that night. And it bothers me. He's not in love with a shiny facade, but with me - and if I hide myself behind that facade...well, it's not me. ;)

Anyway, since the reflex to let him know what really happened kicked in immediately afterwards, I think I'm still on the right track.

Lol, he really caught me by surprise that night, though...I'd been worried sick and he just walks in and comforts me. I must have looked like I'd just seen a ghost. *giggles*

What did it teach me? Above all, that I shouldn't be afraid to be me when I'm with him...he'll be there and catch me when I fall. It might not be such a big thing for a lot of people, but for me it's an important lesson to be learned, and God, I love him for this. :)

I'll try to be a bit more forgiving with myself in the future. If he can love me when I'm not perfect, maybe I can, too. *hugs Tojo for the good advice* :)

[Tojo]

Oh that wasn't just advice Silke....that was a genuine request. :)

Glad you're OK- yeah it's important to remember that we're all human, subs & Doms alike.

To me this is about getting to know my girl, through & through- hence my belief that you need to do that first before any nipples are teased.


Tojo

[Silke]

Yep, agreed...it's an ongoing process, though. That kind of stuff keeps popping up more (or comes back) during times of stress. I guess you'll never stop learning, even when you're at the nipple-teasing-stage. ;)

[Aussiegirl1]

Silke,

I just love to read your ramblings, you always seem to express so much that I am sure the rest of us have thought at one time or another.

It is only natural to feel unsure of things at times, but so long as you stay honest to your feelings and share them, your relationship can only continue to get stronger. As to taking Tojo's advice, you know my view on that one. He has not steered me wrong yet!

[Asia]

Silke honey,
I've never written anything in here before because I thought it might be impolite but I love your 'ramblings' - it shows how curious you are and what good company you'd be as well as downright adorable.
~kiss~
Asia
xxx

[Silke]

Hey gals...thanks for the comments. *smiles* Here's to staying honest to our feelings, Aussiegirl - absolutely all of them. :)

No need to hide, Asia! It's a rambling thread - just ramble away if you feel like it. ;) In a way, this is my way of exhibitionism...just that I lay open my feelings and thoughts instead of my body. I'm glad if any of this strikes a chord with someone or even helps to validate some of their own feelings, maybe even learn a little. It's my way to sort through the rollercoaster ride and make sense of the joy, fear, excitement and occasional pain...if it resonates with you - even better! I'd like to hear about it. :)

[frankee]

Silke,

i for one, love reading your ramblings:) .

[Silke]

Always good to know you're listening, frankee. *hugs*

Oh...and I'm waiting for some ramblings about that amazing time with your Mistress, too...;)

[Tojo]

Yeah always nice to see you around frankee. :wave:


Tojo

[Silke]

'k, I've been pondering something. *shocked* ;)

One of my daily 'tasks' is to masturbate to the brink of orgasm at least once a day. No big deal, d'oh...? It's fun, pleasurable, hot...not really the thing that makes you roll your eyes, right? Well, at least some of the time...wrong. *sighs*

It's something that I just don't get about my strangely wired brain, but I've encountered this before: In times where I'm not allowed to touch, I'm constantly horny and would do anything to get some relief...even when I'm on no particular orders, reading this site usually gets me hot. But once I'm ordered to do this...well, the first few times it's great and then life kicks in and I just don't feel like masturbating at all. I don't get it, lol.

Now, I know this isn't about my 'feeling like it', at least that's not all of it. I should be doing it anyway to please my Master...but a few times I didn't. I didn't even try. (which sucks, cause when I do the 'feeling like it' part comes naturally, lol)

I haven't had the chance to talk this over with him yet, but will mention it the next time I write him tonight. I really don't know what causes this, though. It's not like I had a lot of stress or that I feel my daily routines are too much - I love them all and haven't missed anything apart from the masturbation task. :confused:

If I had to take a wild guess, maybe it's the missing tension (that denial brings about naturally - and I was on loooong denial before this, grrrr - love to hate it, lol)...maybe I felt that he only assigned me that task for my own pleasure (which I could take or leave)...maybe it's because I miss him so much? I honestly don't know, I'm just running through some possibilities.

Since I've encountered the same issue before, I'm sure there is a pattern somewhere that I just can't put my finger on.

Has anyone encountered a similar problem?

[fantassy]

I should be doing it anyway to please my Master...
If I had to take a wild guess, maybe it's the missing tension ...maybe I felt that he only assigned me that task for my own pleasure (which I could take or leave)...

My guess is that your Master hasn't given you enough discussion of the task, so it seems too much like you're doing it alone - which seems pointless. For example, would you feel differently about the task if he told you to do it at a specific time each day, so that he could think of you at that time with your fingers in the dripping pussy He owns, bringing His sub to the edge longing to cum and then denying her for His pleasure? Do you imagine your hand is his hand? I know whenever I've been given tasks to do on my own, Brosco spends a lot of time telling me how much pleasure he is going to get from thinking of me doing the task, and wants my thoughts focused on him while I do the task. Definitely makes it more inspirational.:)

By the way, Silke, are you and your Master still communicating by text only or have you added voice? Just wondering since things seemed to have gotten so much more intense for you.

fantassy

[Silke]

*grins* I like your 'discussion' fantassy...so, you're still with Brosco? Haven't heard from you in a loooong while. *curious*

And you're right, it does make a difference. We haven't had a whole lot of time to spend with each other recently and the fun talks have been somewhat scarce. Thinking about it, this might have played a part in my block during playtime as well. Everything between us seems rushed at the moment and I can only hope that we'll have more time soon...it's hard to get in the mood when you know he has to leave soon, your heart is already breaking and you try to establish some 'normality'.

I've mentioned some of my thoughts and difficulties to him in an email...we'll see what comes out of this. :)

We're still on the typing side of things, fantassy. The increase in intensity is just due to the hours and hours of talking we used to do. God, he knows how to get under my skin just with written words...I think I'll probably die once I hear his voice. Sometimes my heart almost skips a beat when I just think of him. NO friggin idea how he does it, lol.

I can't wait to have him back in my life more...I miss him.

[frankee]

*grins* I like your 'discussion' fantassy...so, you're still with Brosco? Haven't heard from you in a loooong while. *curious*

And you're right, it does make a difference. We haven't had a whole lot of time to spend with each other recently and the fun talks have been somewhat scarce. Thinking about it, this might have played a part in my block during playtime as well. Everything between us seems rushed at the moment and I can only hope that we'll have more time soon...it's hard to get in the mood when you know he has to leave soon, your heart is already breaking and you try to establish some 'normality'.

I've mentioned some of my thoughts and difficulties to him in an email...we'll see what comes out of this. :)

We're still on the typing side of things, fantassy. The increase in intensity is just due to the hours and hours of talking we used to do. God, he knows how to get under my skin just with written words...I think I'll probably die once I hear his voice. Sometimes my heart almost skips a beat when I just think of him. NO friggin idea how he does it, lol.

I can't wait to have him back in my life more...I miss him.

Awwwww sweetie, i hope things go well for you and your Master. i know what you mean when things seem to be rushed and you don't get enough time with your Dom/me....damn i know that feeling all too well. *sigh* If only it were a perfect world.

Wish you all the best with big hugs and kisses:)

[His Slut]

*peeks in and waves*:wave:

[fantassy]

Hard to believe, but yes, Brosco and I are still together. I haven't been posting much because we have been in sort of the opposite situation of you and your Master. I've been out of town working and staying with a friend for the past couple of months, so my time has been very limited. Between working really long hours, having a long commute, spending time with my friend, and having limited privacy, I got to spend very little time with Brosco. Although we still managed to talk or email at least briefly most days, we only got to play a few times, and it just wasn't as good (probably because of the time pressures as you say and having someone else in the house). The psychology of the whole experience fascinates me. The entire two months, even though we were in contact, I didn't feel at all submissive and wasn't much "in the mood," as you said. I really began to dobut whether this entire BDSM thing was really for me. The day I returned home, I instantly became incredibly aroused and submissive - probably more so than ever before. The mind is an incredible thing.

[Silke]

*smiles* Thanks, gals! :)

Good to hear you've managed to live through the time apart, fantassy! And yeah, the psychology of D/s was probably one thing that sucked me in when I was first exposed to this. It still knocks the air out of me when I think about how deeply I've been sucked into this relationship - I'd never have thought this would happen, at least not with someone I can't touch, hear or see.

Interesting that you say you didn't feel submissive at all when you didn't get to talk to Brosco. Apart from the sexual tension that's been somewhat reduced for me recently, I've realised just how much I need and crave his guidance over the last weeks. I think about him so much during the day, realise that I try to be at my best for him, even in situations that are not directly connected to him, and all the routines we've established I have pretty much perfected, lol - probably since that's all I've got at the moment. So, if anything, I feel more submissive...just in a more platonic way.

I guess with you having to work that much, you just didn't have much time to think about anything else...for me it's the other way round. But in the end it boils down to the same thing - some of the intimacy is missing when you're apart and it takes a bit more than a short email or a few minutes together to get back into the flow.

Good to have you back, fantassy, and thanks for stopping by in my little thread. *hugs* :)

[Silke]

Long time, no rambling. ;)

And this is only a short take, believe it or not...yeah, I can do short, too. *grins* Yeah, I got a life sign from him, and his life is slowly going back to normal, which in turn means that hopefully mine will do the same. *watch Silke do a little happy dance* :)

To quote another thread here...the shocking truth is that I've felt submissive like never before all day, it's almost scary. If he was here, I mean physically here with me tonight, I'd want him to push me over the edge tonight...not in a gentle, playful way...I'm talking the 'drag me through the room by my hair and take what's yours' kind of way. Now is that deprivation at its best, or what? lol

Curse those miles between us, that will probably cause him to be cautious, since he can't be with me physically to make sure I'm alright...hell, what a session this would be! ;)

Have a great holiday weekend, y'all. *hugs*

[MajesticFae]

That sounds like a wonderful event Silke. It might be a fun one to experience. =)

I'm glad that your life is getting back to normal.

[Timberwolf]

"If he was here, I mean physically here with me tonight, I'd want him to push me over the edge tonight...not in a gentle, playful way...I'm talking the 'drag me through the room by my hair and take what's yours' kind of way. Now is that deprivation at its best, or what?"

Sounds like true love if you ask me. Or at least the deepest kind of trust, which is probbaly even better.

[MajesticFae]

I agree with Timberwolf. =)

[Silke]

Hell yeah, I love him...and please, God, let him be in a domly mood tonight! *begs* I trust him with my life - he's never let me down. Only his computer sometimes does, lol.

[Tojo]

I'll keep my fingers crossed Silke- it sure worked for my other friend... :eek:


Tojo

[Talia]

I for one say..HIS COMPUTER BETTER BE WORKING!

Ok....love ya Silke


SB

[Silke]

*giggles* don't scare the computer...it doesn't work well on threats. ;)

And thanks for the magic fingers, Tojo *grins*

[fantassy]

Here's hoping your night exceeds your expectations, Silke!:p I know my first night back was OUTSTANDING!

fantassy

[Silke]

Here's hoping your night exceeds your expectations, Silke! I know my first night back was OUTSTANDING!

Well, I put the challenge out there...let's see where he'll take it. It's out of my hands, and boy does that feel good. :)

[frankee]

Good luck girly!! Keeping my fingers crossed for you too! Let us know how it goes;)

[Aussiegirl1]

Good luck from me too Silke.

I hope you have a great time and get to be the sub you really want to be!

Can't wait to hear how it all goes.

Love from Your Aussie mate

[Silke]

*dreamy smile* talk about wishes coming true....:)

It really pays out to be open about what you want and need, you know? I've always been a bit shy about that but felt I had to step out of my comfort zone since my feelings were threatening to suffocate me if I kept them inside any longer.

The last week was simply wonderful! Master and I had two absolutely thrilling sessions...the first one was an introduction to more involved wax play for me *eyes becoming soft and dark as I remember this* and the other basically a threesome with his other sub who I love to bits. And WOW, were those good!!

And then there was last night *sighs happily*. I told you I was dying for him to challenge me some more and last night he took me up on it. His words came out of the blue for me...'I'm tightening my grip on you...'. God, had I been waiting to hear this! Well, I admit his new challenges are just that...challenges. *gulps* I'll have something to chew on for the time to come. However, everything I do for him strengthens my bond, takes my submission and love for him one step further and makes me so incredibly happy I could cry. :)

Have a great day everyone - until the next time!

[frankee]

That is absolutely wonderful Silke. Good on ya for asking for what you want and need!


Sounds like someone had lots of fun;)


oh and btw....I LOVE THAT AVATAR!!!

[Silke]

*smiles* I'm glad you like the new av, frankee. I could do without my ass in it (he COULD have made it smaller, you know?? lol), but then again, it has such a lovely print on it...I think I'll keep it. ;)

[frankee]

Well, i for one, will enjoy looking at that ass;). Don't ever change it!

(almost choked on my tea this morning when i first saw it lol)

[Silke]

Hahahahaha...not sure whether choking would be what I want to convey here, but...kinda flattering. *giggles* ;)

[frankee]

Hahahahaha...not sure whether choking would be what I want to convey here, but...kinda flattering. *giggles* ;)


It was meant to be flattering *smiling*:)

[MsUther]

I find that butt of yours so atractive. *GROPE GROPE*!
Heehe, sorry, I`m being completly unciviliced, I know. Thats what handing me a sexy butt does, I`m sorry to say. Come to think of it, not so sorry to say that at all :icon176:

What I wanted to say before your avvy distracted me to no ends (mmmm hinds) was that I`m glad you had your needs fulfilled by your Master. I can relate to the shyness of expressing what you feel for, and I`m so happy you overcame that and got revarded for being so brave :)

[Warbaby1943]

Hahahahaha...not sure whether choking would be what I want to convey here, but...kinda flattering. *giggles* ;)
Well silke I'm glad I checked in on this thread or I may never have known that nice ass in your Avatar was yours. I agree with frankee that you should not change it except maybe to show some marks sometime or the other.

I didn't choke but lost my breath for a moment or so when I realized I was getting a very nice glimpse of our silke. Again, very nice.

[frankee]

Why do i have a strong and overwhelming urge to bite those ass cheeks? *smiling*;)

[Warbaby1943]

Why do i have a strong and overwhelming urge to bite those ass cheeks? *smiling*;)
Because they are there. What better reason do you need?

[frankee]

Because they are there. What better reason do you need?

You're right. Such a wise man you are:)

[Silke]

Omigod...will you please stop??? Way too embarrassing...*blushes* Remember? Shy girl here...grrr.

*steals a look from frankee and MsUther* Kinda like the hands and teeth on action, though. ;)

Hell *remembers she's going to show off that butt in a task for the Academy tomorrow and buries head in hands*...why am I always getting myself into those situations? lol

[Warbaby1943]

Omigod...will you please stop??? Way too embarrassing...*blushes* Remember? Shy girl here...grrr.

*steals a look from frankee and MsUther* Kinda like the hands and teeth on action, though. ;)

Hell *remembers she's going to show off that butt in a task for the Academy tomorrow and buries head in hands*...why am I always getting myself into those situations? lol
Because you're such a kind person. What am I, Dear Abby? lol

[frankee]

Warbaby Your last post had me lmao!!!


As for you Silke...don't be embarrassed, if you've got it flaunt it!! It's a lovely ass ( i wish i had a good ass like that;))

*gives it a good slap as i walk away*

[Warbaby1943]

Warbaby Your last post had me lmao!!!


As for you Silke...don't be embarrassed, if you've got it flaunt it!! It's a lovely ass ( i wish i had a good ass like that;))

*gives it a good slap as i walk away*
Yeah frankee but you have great tits and :lovetits:

[frankee]

You peaked!!!! Pervert!

[Warbaby1943]

You peaked!!!! Pervert!
You showed my in the cellar and I have a pornographic memory. What the hell don't you remember? Were you drunk again?

[MsUther]

What, did I miss out on great tits pics in thye cellar?? Noooo!

Cant wait to see your Academy report Silke :p

[frankee]

i think Silke should show off her picture when she's finished her report;)

[Silke]

*giggles* at WB and frankee...pornographic memory? Mwhahahaha

It'll be an interesting experience, MsUther, no doubt about that. Keep your fingers crossed for me. ;) *prays for courage*

[Silke]

i think Silke should show off her picture when she's finished her report

The task doesn't involve pictures...although a picture of my gigantic blush would probably be worth it, lol.

[frankee]

awwwwww no picture? dammit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Good Luck with it Sweetie!

[MsUther]

Crossing fingers for you :) Good luck a bunch!

[Qmoq]

Aww sorry it's taken me so long, but I agree with everyone and everything. Silke, your ass is indeed biteable. Yum. Each time I see it I feel funny. Much more important is the thorough sessions you had with your lucky dom, I'm so happy you're as devoted to him as ever - if not more so. Hope you have many many more years together. But when you're 75... please don't put a pic of your ass as your avatar.

Q xx

[Warbaby1943]

But when you're 75... please don't put a pic of your ass as your avatar.

Q xx
That's too damn funny Q. You are the best at those one liners.

[frankee]

That's too damn funny Q. You are the best at those one liners.


my thoughts exactly!! lmao!

[Silke]

LMAO...I'll try and remember that, Q. :D

[frankee]

Silke,

is that a real tattoo on you lovely, bitable ass?;)

[Warbaby1943]

LMAO...I'll try and remember that, Q. :D
Be nice if we could all still be here to help you remember.

[Silke]

Nope, frankee...I send the picture to Master since he offered to change it to avatar size, and the next time I saw the finished avatar, he had put the name he picked for me on my ass. *smiles* I guess that ass belongs to him now, eh? ;)

But yeah, it would make a cool tattoo...shame, that I don't really want names written on my skin permanently. I'd love to have his mark on me. :)

[frankee]

Well lucky him to own an ass like that!!;) Yes, it would make a cool tattoo.

Promise you'll show me if you do get something tattooed on that delightful ass of yours;)

[Warbaby1943]

I guess that ass belongs to him now, eh? ;)


"Butt" we at least get to look at it. :bigkiss:

[Ozme52]

But when you're 75... please don't put a pic of your ass as your avatar.


I don't know... I'll be Huunert-n-sumptin and that may be all I can take. :rolleyes:

[Talia]

Nope, frankee...I send the picture to Master since he offered to change it to avatar size

mmmmm he offered? ;)

[Silke]

yep, I asked whether he knew how to do it, and he offered to do it for me. ;)

[Talia]

mmmm I think a little birdy told you he could. ;)

[Silke]

lol, I didn't tell him about the bet until after he agreed to do it ;)

[Talia]

*raising eyebrow* who said anything about a bet? lol

[MsUther]

What are you to ladies going on about? Hm?? All cards on the table, please :bondage:

[Talia]

WEG......You going to take that one Silke? It is your thread. ;)

[Warbaby1943]

WEG......You going to take that one Silke? It is your thread. ;)
SB you trying to stir up something? Good for you, we need a cat fight here. OH wait, we need Asia for that. I'll give her a call.

[Silke]

Ummm...well, SB and I had a bet going on...she won, I lost...and now she has my tits and I'm still waiting to get a glimpse at her ass...grrr. Does that clear up anything? I guess not. ;)

[Aesop]

Tits and ass......my kinda bet. :D

[frankee]

Tits and ass......my kinda bet. :D

That was my thought too lol! Kinky girls;)

[Warbaby1943]

Does that clear up anything? ;)

Not unless we get to see the results of the bet. lol

[Silke]

Not unless we get to see the results of the bet. lol

Nope, those pictures are just for her, sorry. :)

[Warbaby1943]

Nope, those pictures are just for her, sorry. :)
Now that's a shame.

[maddie]

Memo to self: Never ever make a bet with Silke.

[Asia]

LMAO...I'll try and remember that, Q. :D



Ohhhh My Silke,
Don't you dare laugh that peachy ass off - I am thinking bad/good things again - stop me before I go off into my happy place
*wonders in delight at Silke's peach*
Asia
~kiss~
xxx

[Asia]

SB you trying to stir up something? Good for you, we need a cat fight here. OH wait, we need Asia for that. I'll give her a call.


Who wouldn't want to get scratch their nails into her beautifully, womanly rounded ass - I'm in for a cat fight if I get to take a wee bite after *wink*
Asia
~kiss~
xxx

[Talia]

Tits and ass......my kinda bet. :D

yeah? and what bet would you like to win? the ass or the tits....or something else? ;)

[Silke]

maddie - I tend to lose bets...you can only win. ;)

Asia - you make me blush...I'd still prefer your ass over mine every time, lol.

SB - he wants it all and you know that, lol

[Talia]

SB - he wants it all and you know that, lol

;)

So do I! lol

[Silke]

you already got it all, lol. It's my turn again...:p

[Asia]

Quote: Asia - you make me blush...I'd still prefer your ass over mine every time, lol.


How very ambigious - now my mind's a-wondering *smiles*

[Silke]

*big grin* ;)

[Aesop]

yeah? and what bet would you like to win? the ass or the tits....or something else? ;)

You don't get voted most perverted by picking and choosing. ;)

[Talia]

You don't get voted most perverted by picking and choosing. ;)

:11_2_102:

[Silke]

Hi again :)

I'm so glad I can finally share openly with all of you, YAY! The night Master claimed me and my sis in front of all my friends here was one of the happiest of my life. I cried a river of happy tears and words failed me completely.

What is it that stirs those intense emotions in me? See, I've never really been that way...always a bit subdued...more rational than emotional...never quite giving my heart. Most of my life I've been scared to let go and jump on the rollercoaster. But you know, the wall has been crumbling, brick by brick. I don't know when exactly this started or what in him gave me the strength to break free of my fears and open up to him...and open up to a part of myself that has been locked for most of my life. I'm just sitting back in awe and watch the world grow more colourful each and every day. It's pretty much like switching from a tiny black and white TV to a huge Technicolor movie screen.

Granted, ALL emotions are enhanced, not only the cheerful ones. But it's so worth it...I feel...alive. His love for me and the love from my sister makes me stronger and I've noticed I walk taller these days, proud to be his...grateful to have the love from two special people in my life...overjoyed to love them back and learn from both of them. Even more so since he's come out and claimed Talia and me.

I feel our bond has grown even stronger since that night. I might not be able to share this with my friends and family - I doubt they would understand anyway - but I can share it with you. And since you're my chosen family, that's more than I could ever ask for.

Lol, I still sound like a lovesick teenager, don't I? Well, don't come here if you don't like it...it's a free country...erm...forum. ;)

[maddie]

Silke, I know I've told you this before, but I couldn't be happier for the three of you. Y'all are special people and I'm glad that I've had a chance to get to know each of you, even if it's only a little bit.

[Warbaby1943]

Silke I am very happy for you and hope you always remain as pleased and happy as you are now. I'm sure your family here all shares the joy you feel. That is the kind of people that seems to hang around here. I think all three of you are fortunate to have found each other and can hopefully will always remain together as one happy family sharing love. I'm glad I did come here to read about your joy. Keep smiling. I see you did learn to swim.

[Qmoq]

Silke, I'm so happy that you sound like a giggly schoolgirl, and not just for the mental images. It's because you are so thoughtful, exciting and caring, and so I wish you every happiness.

Hugs to you, your sis and your master.

Q xx

[Talia]

Hi again :)

I'm so glad I can finally share openly with all of you, YAY! The night Master claimed me and my sis in front of all my friends here was one of the happiest of my life. I cried a river of happy tears and words failed me completely.

What is it that stirs those intense emotions in me? See, I've never really been that way...always a bit subdued...more rational than emotional...never quite giving my heart. Most of my life I've been scared to let go and jump on the rollercoaster. But you know, the wall has been crumbling, brick by brick. I don't know when exactly this started or what in him gave me the strength to break free of my fears and open up to him...and open up to a part of myself that has been locked for most of my life. I'm just sitting back in awe and watch the world grow more colourful each and every day. It's pretty much like switching from a tiny black and white TV to a huge Technicolor movie screen.

Granted, ALL emotions are enhanced, not only the cheerful ones. But it's so worth it...I feel...alive. His love for me and the love from my sister makes me stronger and I've noticed I walk taller these days, proud to be his...grateful to have the love from two special people in my life...overjoyed to love them back and learn from both of them. Even more so since he's come out and claimed Talia and me.

I feel our bond has grown even stronger since that night. I might not be able to share this with my friends and family - I doubt they would understand anyway - but I can share it with you. And since you're my chosen family, that's more than I could ever ask for.

Lol, I still sound like a lovesick teenager, don't I? Well, don't come here if you don't like it...it's a free country...erm...forum. ;)


I'm speechless...love you too....bunch of kiss and hugs.

Talia

[suchaminx]

~hugs~

Your happiness is so infectious, Congratulations again to you both ~hugs, smiles and a kiss~ minx xx

[frankee]

Silke, what i love about you most is your heart with never stops flowing with love and caring for other people. Listening to the three of you discuss the love and support in your relationship, and how much you cherish eachother, is something everyone wishes they had or are glad that they do...

Best wishes and hugs


i could not have said that better myself:)

It really warms my heart to see the love that the threeof you share.

Lots of hugs & love your way

[Silke]

Hey, if I can pass on the love - even better! Come here, I got plenty. ;) Stick around long enough and you'll get a chance to witness the next thunderstorm as well...it's a free show, lol. Thanks y'all for the sweet comments. :)

WB - the swimming is another story and one that isn't as happy or glorious as this one...but yeah, in this different context, I've learned it. :) Kinda impressed by your memory...

Q - you make me blush, lol. Now I'll never write that PM - I couldn't possibly live up to that characterisation.

Talia - you? speechless? Wow...;) I love you, sis. *hugs*

[Aussiegirl1]

Silke,

I am so very, very happy for you, but I am sure you know that already! We have shared so much these last few months and it is great to see you don't have to hide anything anymore. You deserve all the happiness you can get.

[mina]

Wow, what a beautiful post. You three have such an interesting and loving relationship! So happy for you :) thanks for sharing it with us.

[MsUther]

I am so happy for the three of you :) And Silke, your loving words about your Master and sis... It makes me all mush and warmhearted :o Big hugs to all of you!