Coming Out?

[Silke]

Hey there,

I've just had a nice and looong girl's night with a friend. Lots of talk about sex and guys and all the stuff that's fun to do. It's amazing how open we're able to talk. The time would have been perfect to come out with some of the things that have become such a big part of my life, but again...I kept my silence. Threw out a few hints and then went back to just smiling quietly.

You know, I'd actually love to be able to be more open. I'm not used to keeping important parts of my life secret for so long. And I'm not talking about giving my friends all the juicy details - that's private. Just a general idea of what I'm into, not having to close down the internet every time someone is around, being able to be open about why I've been wearing a collar for months, sharing about the most wonderful relationship I'm in. But the time obviously wasn't there tonight.

So, I'm curious - who of you has 'come out' about your kinky side? How did it go? Would you want to be more open but haven't found the courage? Do you keep everything private? Why?

I'm looking forward to your stories. :)

Silke

[Warbaby1943]

Silke, I know exactly how you feel. I would love to tell my friends or one of my brothers about this place and all the lovely people I have met here not to mention the love I have found within these walls.

I know they would never understand unless they had the same tendencies as I. I can't take the chance so it all stays bottled up inside me except for all my friends here who always lend an ear when I really need one.

I don't know how you can broach the subject with your friends because I don't know your friends. You have to be able to read them and guess their reaction. Though I know I wouldn't lose any true friends over anything I told them, they would always look at me differently and feel sorry for my wife. Knowing all this I do keep my mouth shut. You have a little advantage over me in that you have no husband to worry about. That to me would be a big plus in allowing me to speak freely. Still you don't want to lose any friendships over your confessions of sort. See I do know how you feel and I feel for you.

I have one dear friend who happens to be a female and we have been close for well over 50 years now. I know one of these days I will email her telling of my new friends and secret life. We know so much about each other I'm sure she won't be judgmental but I still hesitate. Why, I can't really say except maybe I'm not as sure of her reactions as I think I am. Maybe I'm secretly ashamed of the way I have become liking the kinky side of life and the fact that is has become such a large portion of my life. I do spend many hours a day here and that is certainly a difference in my habits since just a few months ago. My wife even asks why I'm at the computer so much lately and I want desperately to tell her but, again, I cannot.

How do I explain my love for Aussiegirl? A lovely lady I know only from here and by the beautiful words she says to me. How do I tell them my marriage commitments are still in tact but I love Aussiegirl with my entire heart because I know her heart and soul inside an out? Would you understand if you knew my life history as all my friends do? Would you understand if you were my wife of many years? I think not so I will remain only talking to all you, my dear friends, here at my second home.

Thanks for the chance to talk, silke. Sorry I don't have better advise for you.

[_ID_]

Silke - I find people are open to a glimps of a person they know being a tad kinky. In my work people are petty conservitive. However in that enviroment, I routinely mention how a pretty girl bent over looks as though swatting her butt a couple times could be a fun thing to do. Or seeing a girl cop can have great potential for some bedroom fun. I usually get a good laugh, and they agree that the idea is fun to think about.

Most of the people at my work have figured out that I am a little bit on the kinky side, but don't know the details, only what I let them know. I have had a couple ask me some specfic questions, and I always respond with "Only ask a question you really want to know the answer to. Now do you really want to know the answer?" Some say yes, some say never mind.

Enjoy your kink, and have fun with it.

V/R
ID

[orchid]

i have a couple close friends who know this side of me but that's it - no family, coworkers, etc.

i dont really remember how it all came about except with one girl - we were watching a show on TV at her house in Toronto when i was there on business and we were discussing a strange relationship between the couple in the show. out of nowhere i blurted out - thats a DS relationship for sure! we started talking about it from there and before i knew it, i had confided in her.

She was cool with it, as i knew she would be - she's not the type to judge at all and in fact, i found out later that she has several other friends into 'the scene' as she called it. It didn't change our friendship at all - she never presses for details and i can be open about it as much or as little as i want.

she's a marvellous friend.

[Brittykat]

I know there is no way to tell my family about this, I don't think my mom and dad would judge me but, the rest of the family would including my siblings. So we just keep our mouths shut and smile politely we they talk about how good their sex lives are, because we know better. I think there will always be people in your life that you can't tell. I also think there are a select few like here that you can shout to the moon about it. Saying that I like to think its a very exclusive club and everyone can't be told about it or it's no longer special.

[maddie]

I have one friend who has an inkling about it, but I don't how many of the clues she's put together. Otherwise, nobody knows and I have no plans to change that.

[Silke]

Some interesting stories so far...thanks to everyone who's spoken up and shared. :)

I'm not really looking for advice here, even though learning from y'all is always cool. *grins* I know I'll step out of the closet when the time is right and in the meantime I love the fact that I have my second family here to share with and shout to the moon...even howl sometimes. ;)

WB - yes, I think it would be difficult for your wife to accept the second love of your life...it's hard to grasp the concept when you haven't experienced it. That there is love for more than one person in you which doesn't take from what you have with her. I hope you'll find that your friend you mentioned will turn out to be someone to confide in, who'll take you for who you are without judging. :)

*big grin at IDCrewDawg and orchid* such cool stories...:D

brattyone - yeah, I understand about not wanting/being able to spill the beans to your family. I asked my Master whether it would be ok if I didn't wear my collar around my mum when she got too terribly close to the truth one day. I lied to her about it because I didn't feel comfortable with her knowing. My sister has been curious and I think she'll understand when I come out to her one day, but it might not happen for a long time. ;)

maddie - lol, yeah...sometimes those clues are pretty obvious. I'm almost sure my friends has a rough idea what up with me by now. And I think if I was married to my dom or at least had some r/l kinky people to talk to, I'd probably wouldn't be so keen on finding someone to confide in either. You're really lucky that way. :)

Thanks to everyone who's shared their story and I'm looking forward to many, many more. Keep 'em coming! :)

[dzire2pleeze]

Have no story to tell... just wanted to let you know, Silke, that i love your new avatar and will never, ever confuse you again with waterbaby...lol

[MsUther]

Me, my little sister and my younger brother is pretty close. I love spending time with them, both partying and everyday stuff.
When she opened my closet once, looking for clothes she could lend she saw a chainsuit hanging between the dresses.... I had forgot to hide it. Me sitting leaned up against the wall and my brother sitting on the other end of the bed we all spottet the wretched outfit at the same time...
" What? Whats this then??"
I fought the embarresment and panick raising in my spine and told them that it actually was a chainsuit.
Yeah, they laughed and laughed..
I had to take it out and show them, not dressing in it!, but holding it out for them to look at it properly.
I`m sure i blushed.
They chitted me for being a sm lover, and I told them yes, I do like that stuff.
And that was pretty much it. They drop me some reminders now and then, not exactly about the chainsuit....I think that was a little more information than they really wanted..., but about me being a bit kinky.

I would not share the details with them. But then again, I dont share the details of vanilla sex either. Mostly :p
But the need to clear my pc before they arrive bothers me. This pc is now as private as a diary to me, its so revealing. And allthough its not illegal, I dont want my closest to see it all.

But I know that I will tell them a little more than what they now know. They have no clue about the DS side. And I want them to know, atleast my sister, who is my best friend.

I have told one other person. I trust him completly and he is fully aware of my activities here on the site :D

Thanks for the story and the thread Silke. And for the chance to chatter about myself ;)

[Aussiegirl1]

It is funny you ask this question, Silke, as I just told a dear friend of mine some things about my "secret life". We had met for lunch, and though I had not planned to say anything, I just felt it might be the time. I did not tell her then, but left her with an idea of how happy I am and that there was more to my upcoming holiday than she knew- This is when I will be meeting up with Tojo.

I then wrote her an email, and waited for her reply. Well, I was not surprised that while she was a bit shocked, she also made sure to let me know that nothing about our friendship has changed. We are planning to meet soon, to chat, and I will just let her ask what she wants to. I have no desire to overwhelm her or make her uncomfortable. If she does not want to know any more, that will be fine with me. I am just happy I don't have to lie about the big smile on my face anymore!

I also love that I can tell her about my upcoming time with Tojo, even though right now I still need to convince her I will be safe. I don't intend to let anyone else in my family or work know, and I don't think I will be telling any other friends. I just thought about how good a friend she was and how I didn't want to keep something so important to me from her.


How do I explain my love for Aussiegirl? A lovely lady I know only from here and by the beautiful words she says to me. How do I tell them my marriage commitments are still in tact but I love Aussiegirl with my entire heart because I know her heart and soul inside an out?

Now, here is another reason I wanted to tell my friend. How can I keep the presence of such a wonderful man in my life to myself?

It was scary to tell her, but a relief that she knows. Silke, I think you will know when the time is right to share your secret. But if you never do, what does it matter. You will always have your friends here to share your secrets with!

[Sir_G]

As I read through all the experiences here, I guess I am saddened that we live in a world where we need to keep such an important part of ourselves hidden, because they don't understand.

And yet this place is such a celebration of who we are. "The Secret life of us".

Ms Uther I was particularly moved by your story for some reason. I find you a fascinating person and love the way you related your situation. Thanks for sharing that with us.

[MsUther]

Thank you for those words, Gregsta. I appreciated that a lot. Made me all soft and mushy :)

[Tojo]

I also love that I can tell her about my upcoming time with Tojo, even though right now I still need to convince her I will be safe.

Poor innocent girl- 'safe' indeed! :rolleyes:


Tojo

[shins]

Silke, thanks for this thread. I was thinking about this topic yesterday prior to seeing your post and the frustration I sometimes feel due to the secrecy. I have confided my interests in 2 friends, but I also withheld 90% of it. Their reactions were very similar. While they accepted (possibly were turned on) by the idea of spanking and playing, they both clarified "That's all good and fine as long as you aren't into that bondage/whipping stuff". So that put the brakes on any more indepth discussion with them. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by my interests, but I also recognize that most people I know would develop a very negative opinion if they knew the details. I think what has gotten me freshly riled about it is having to introduce angel to my friends and family as my girlfriend. We get a kick out of pretending to be vanilla around them and laugh about it when we are driving home, but I'd also like to say "she isnt my girlfriend, she's my submissive bitch." At least you all know the truth, lol.

[Silke]

Wow, now I'm really happy I opened this door - thank you all for sharing!

MsUther - lol, something like that happened to me yesterday. The friend I was talking about showed up unexpected and I had no time to hide some of the toys and other stuff before she got in. *grins* She more or less shrugged it off with a smile and that was it. The whole talk afterwards revolved around sex, go figure. But I didn't open up as much as you did...way to go for being so brave! :)

Aussiegirl - YES, that's it! I don't want to lie about that big smile on my face anymore, exactly. Coming out for me isn't about wanting to brag about what kinky things I do, it's about being able to be open and honest with my loved ones once again. I'm glad it worked out well for you and that you have one person close to you that you're able to share with more openly. :)

shins - *nods* I know about the invisible line between what's commonly accepted kink and what might be too much for people to take. I've let comments about very mild BDSM stuff slip and only got curious and positive reactions. But the more involved side of this, the beauty of D/s and what it truely means to some of us...I think that's pushing most people's understanding to a limit. See, my friend saw a pair of handcuffs on the table and was cool about it (hell, she's got some toy ones herself, lol)...had she seen the bowl with water on my kitchen floor, though, I'm sure she'd been very disturbed and worried about me. And yeah, I'd have been hard pressed to explain it.

Such cool stories, everyone...I'm glued! :)

[frankee]

Silke,

like shins i was thinking about this the other night. A friend and i were talking about sex and she was complaining about the sex between her and hubby was boring. (she calls her hubby 'the missionary man lol)

Well, after a few drinks, i confided in her that i like a good spanking. She looked at me like i just grew horns lol, and then she said "you mean in a sexual way???". Now, i tell you...how do you deal with people like that lmao!

i just got up and made myself another drink.:)

It does seem at times like you will explode if you dont tell somebody, it sort of eats away at you.

Thank god for the forums!

[vistana]

By now most of my close friends and some of my not close friends know. My friend who I used to play with bought handcuffs from a military surplus store and taunted me with them while we were out with a fairly large group of people.
And I think I told my sister while I was very drunk one day...

People have learned in different ways, but I've never just sat down and told anyone. A couple of my close friends and I tended to just hang out and drink and chat every few weeks last school term, and conversation would inevitably turn to sex. Then one day I was feeling more open that others and one thing led to another, handcuffs and other things were mentioned, and before I know it I'm bitching about the fact that I hadn't been allowed an orgasm for days. That one opened their eyes a bit! There was definitely some incredulity, but no big negative reactions. one guy just said 'so? that's cool.', and my other friend said that well, she was working on not judging kinky behaviour, and that she knew the problem was hers, not mine.

It's nice to have most people be at least peripherally aware that I am one kinky character, I can make a casual joke about whether or not the rope I own would actually be up to heavy labour, not have people ask why I have so many clothespins...

Over time other people have had small glimpses into that side of me, and I don't lie about things. If the conversation leads around to a point where I mention something kinky or something evasive the large majority of the time I admit the kink. No bad reactions yet.
I even got a nice laugh when I relayed that I'm only cuddly after i get a beating. ;)

[Warbaby1943]

Silke,


Thank god for the forums!

And good friends like you frankee.

[frankee]

Awwwwwwww thanks Warbaby, i feel the same about You!

(but i'm still not taking off the nurses uniform lol;))

[Warbaby1943]

Awwwwwwww thanks Warbaby, i feel the same about You!

(but i'm still not taking off the nurses uniform lol;))
You did once and I was watching. I'll get you out of it again one of these days. Nice!!!!!

[Desperadosong]

Folks around here have a good idea I'm 'kinky'. I'm kinda like IDCrewDog in how I handle it. I make comments here and there. Once a guy pal said I needed a good sound spanking for something I said or did. I just smiled and turned my butt toward him and asked if that was an offer. People are more accepting than you would think.... you just have to have a feel for how much they can handle. One of my favorite things to say when asked questions is.... "Do you reallly want to know?" usually when I say that, they just say never mind. lol (chickens!!)

Ds

[Ozme52]

Well, in my opinion, when a guy says "You deserve a sound spanking."
he really means "I would love to give you a sound spanking."

[SheepishJaina]

pssst Silke.. that was Brittykat that answered above, not me ;)

My sister knows bits and pieces, but i have not been able to truely open up to her. She knows that i like bondage and "kinky" stuff. She's never asked more, and I havn't volunteered it. With her though, i know that in time if she really wants to know, and is comfortable with asking, then she really wants to know, and that i can't open up in that way to her till she does ask.

I've never kept any close friends in RL. Tis prolly because i feel as though i cannot truely be myself around people. The friends i have that are not close, have no clue. i yearn to have friends outside of the web, like many of y'all here.

[cookiecat]

i got my nose pierced when i turned 40 - just a teeny tiny little stud & my family lamented my crazy alternative life style. needless to say, they don't know about any other piercings...

so - nope - don't share this with anyone outside here. my secret life at the moment. am keeping my fingers crossed that could change!

[angelfreak]

As for me, I think one of my sisters knows something. We've never actually talked about it, but I know she was talking with a Dom in another country for a while and then when I started wearing my collar all the time, I think she ended up realizing I was into the same things. Especially when I said "I'm not allowed to cut my hair" and told her my Master said so (not calling him Master, but by his given name). I learned that she recently started up communication with that Dom again. ;)

My brother knows mine and my Master's relationship isn't what "normally" happens. He's overheard me call him Master and asked why I call him that. He's only 14 so all I said at this point was, "because he is," and that seemed to satisfy him right then.

A couple other friends know about my kink and, while one is okay with it, the other two or three who know...it's a topic not discussed anymore. We've agreed to disagree and I just don't open that can of worms with them.

Maybe someday. :)

[Aesop]

Well, in my opinion, when a guy says "You deserve a sound spanking."
he really means "I would love to give you a sound spanking."

Shhhhh! :dont:

[TomOfSweden]

Everybody knows they just don't have a clue about how much.

[Silke]

Afraid he's spilling your secrets, Aesop? ;)

Oh wow...I'm impressed by the resonance to this thread. It's been wonderful to hear your stories and I hope there'll be lots more to come. Sometimes it's good to simply know you're not alone with what you're chewing on, or to get some encouragement from people who're more open with their kinkiness. (Is that a word?? lol) Anyway - thank you for sharing!! :)

[MrWonderful]

Yes, it's too bad we must be so tight-mouthed, but BDSM would not really be a turn-on for me unless it was considered naughty, very very naughty. :icon176:

[Desperadosong]

Well, in my opinion, when a guy says "You deserve a sound spanking."
he really means "I would love to give you a sound spanking."


I agree. :D hrmmmm.... makes me wonder now, cuz I hear that a lot! lol

Ds

[Ozme52]

Just walk up and whisper in his ear... "Yes!"

Because if you say it outloud where he might be embarrassed to acknowledge it... that is, if you want that kind of wimpy to smack you....

[MsUther]

Just walk up and whisper in his ear... "Yes!"

Because if you say it outloud where he might be embarrassed to acknowledge it... that is, if you want that kind of wimpy to smack you....

*snigggers*

[buzzy]

you have to tell someone? Your life has change so, your excited and having so much fun. I told my boss, she and I have known each other for some years. She laughed and asked, Oh yes curiosity killed the cat, but she had to know more. I'm no longer the gigalo, now just a slut. lol. She always asks now, wanting to know more. take care to all

[violetgem]

I enjoyed reading what everyone had to say on this topic. My friends, I think they all know some what, but my really two close friends know. Again, not in crazy detail, but they know me very well and they were seeing parts of me while I was feeling them and learning about them as we were growing up. They are fine with it and will joke about it, just like how I joke about their lil kinks. They got me a bondage bear and got one for each of them too as a symbol that they love me and even though they aren’t into what I am they still accept it. I think if someone knows me well enough they can pick up on, it has just become part of my life and even not trying to display it, if you look hard enough it is easy to see. My friends will also go with me to buy toys and it is cute because they get all confused and ask question about why I would want certain things and what they are used for. One of my friends actually tried on my nipple clamps because she couldn’t understand how I could find the slightest enjoyment in them or why I would let someone put them on me. She put them on and gave a soundless scream and took them right off hehe. I only talk about these things with my two best friends, and I love that I can, especially considering they aren’t into this lifestyle.