using the safe word

[wheele2000]

hi

As we all know its generally accepted that all couples taking part in BDSM should use a safe word or phrase. Our phrase is 'chocolate teapot' and until yesterday velvet (my sub) had never used this phrase.

I had velvet do the housework dressed in a short skirt, stocking and suspender and a plunging top. She was also wearing rope round her tits and a dildo in her pussy so to say it was interesting and frustrating is a slight understatement.

So after doing this for a while I took her clothes of her and started to paddle her tits, especially onto her nipples. Because the windows in the house were open she was a bit cold, so this and the fact her tits were tied up for about 2 hours made her nipples really sensitive.

After about 20 minutes of playing she had enough, she was crying out 'stop stop', but of course that doesn't really mean stop - that just means it hurts a bit. Eventually she said 'chocolate teapot' and I immediately stopped and unroped her. Its the first time she's every said the phrase and admitted afterwards she was disappointed in herself but the pain was just too much. Her nipples were still sensitive later in the day so it must have been sore.

When was the first time (if ever) you or your sub have used their safe word or phrase.

[angelfreak]

I echo delia. My first time using my safe word happened over the phone before I moved here, but I also didn't find out until after that was Master's goal for that session.

[Ruby]

Let me get this straight, this isn't a fantasy, you had her breasts tied for two hours, then began to paddle them while still tied. Yes?

What was your goal for the session?
Were you trying to force her to safe word?

If you haven't already - please take a look at this link:
The Breast Punishment Primer
http://www.darkerpleasures.com/primer/

Depending on how tight she was tied, safewording much earlier might have been appropriate.

---

Meanwhile, to answer your question, it's been so long that I can't remember the first time I used a safe word. Yet I do remember the first time my sub did. He said his word, "Mercy" and I was very proud of him for doing so.

[_ID_]

To underline and give more weight to ruby's post.

http://www.domsub.info/breastprimer.html

As far as how long you had the breasts bound, it would very well depend on how tightly the bonds were. If the were bound, making the breasts rose colored, rather than a very dark purple. The breasts of rose could be bound longer than purple of course.

As to the purpose of the scene, was it to make her call a safe word? If it was, I hope it was discussed.

As to when was the first time I had a submissive call a safe word. Was during a flogging scene, and didn't do a warm up. Was to teach the submissive the difference between a good flogging, and a poorly done one.

V/R
ID

[annie]

I have yet to use my safe word during play. Although there is one time that stands out in my mind when I should have. Honestly though, I never thought of it. I trusted Master so much that it never crossed my mind to use it, even with the amount of pain I was experiencing. This was many, many years ago... chaulk it up to lack of experience I guess. Needless to say we had a VERY long discussion, after the fact, as to why I didn't and when I should.

[wheele2000]

hi

let me clarify the situation. She was tied for about two hours, but the ropes weren't that tight that her tits were purple. Because she was moving about her nipples were really sensitive because they were rubbing against her clothes and the house was a bit cold.

Maybe I also need to define the paddling, it was gently hitting with the paddle but on the same spot for a while, certainly nothing that would normally cause pain but a gentle 'buzz'.

Velvet had been fine about it and has no problems with what I did, it was within the normal confines of our playing and something we've done before and almost certainly something we'll do again. Normally after we've played we'll discuss what happens, how each of us felt and how it was for both of us. Apart from a little disappointment about using the safe word she enjoyed it all, even the pain. There are no marks left on her and she's fine now.

I certainly had no intention on making her say the safety word. I have to admit to wanting to see how far she would go, but never to the point of seriously hurting her.

Hope this clears things up a bit.

[velvet2000]

First of all may I extend a low curstey to all Masters and a wave to all subs.

Sir has told me to come on here and introduce myself. I am velvet2000 and am Wheele2000's slave. We have enjoyed playing our games for a while now and both thoroughly enjoy them. Sir is naturally dominent and I am very submisive so we fit into our roles very well.

When we were playing the other day, when I had to say my safe word, I was the one who tied myself up. Sir is disabled so although when he ties me up its tight but not really really tight, He gave me permission to try tying my breasts up as we had seen done on Chantra Rose's site as well as others. I also wanted to see how tight I could take. I have to say that as I was tying myself I got very very excited and Sir commented on how squelchy I was.

The mistake we made was being tied up to long, my breasts were darker than my natural skin tone but were not overly blue or purple.

We always discuss what we have done and whether both of us enjoyed it or not and I would definitely do it again although not for so long. I would even plead to be paddled on my breasts again.

It was good to experience the affects of the safe word, and although I completely trust Sir as soon as I said it He stopped and untied me.

I have to say that some of the sites recommended would be too extreme even for me and I would be saying the safe word if Sir even hinted at buying some of the stuff!!!

Thanks for reading.

luv velet

[Silke]

Good to meet you, velvet...:wel to the forums! And thank you for adding your own point of view. :)

Having never had a safeword, let alone having to use one...how did it feel to use it? You said it felt good, but what went through your head at the time and afterwards?

[_ID_]

Good to hear it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Glad to hear it was fun for both.

Enjoy

V/R
ID

[Phantome]

Maybe because I'm not a 24-7 lifestyler or into super-extreme pain play, I have to wonder about the implications surrounding play that is so extreme as to force the sub to use his or her safeword (particularly when the sub doesn't know that is the point). My first impression of this sort of deception (is that even the right word?) is that it is taking advantage of the sub's trust and dedication. It seems to me that subs want to try very hard for their masters, and will hold off on using the safeword as long as possible, even to the point of injury. If the trust that is necessary in a D/S relationsip is there, then the dom would be able to trust that his or her sub would use the safeword when necessary, and the sub would be able to trust that his or her dom would keep safety at the forefront, and always stop play when the sub needed a rest, and disappointment or failure would not play any part of that choice.

Is that the point? Does the master want to see how much pain, damage, or humiliation he or she can get away with? Whether or not the sub's hard limits are really that hard? I guess I don't understand why one would want to push the play to that level (note- I understand that everyone's upper limits are different. I'm referring to the idea of pushing play beyond what the established upper limit is, on purpose). My understanding was always that the purpose of a safeword is to stop play when the sub is uncomfortable or hurting, not as another mind-fuck toy to be used for the entertainment of the dom. To me, this seems to be a rather inconsiderate or untrustworthy thing for a dom to require/inflict upon his or her sub.

To that end, I also question the ethical implications of a sub being led to believe he or she is a let-down or failure for using the safeword. In my opinion, there is some undesirable undercurrent present in a relationship when the sub gets the notion that the dom would be let down if the sub had to stop the scene, even if the dom never came out and said that. As a switch, I have never felt guilty using a safeword, and neither has my fiance- we consider pain and safety a fact of the matter, not a personal achievement goal to overcome or be labelled a failure. I am curious as to the various opinions folks have of this situation; anyone care to share a different perspective with me?

-Phantome

[Ruby]

First of all may I extend a low curstey to all Masters and a wave to all subs.

Welcome, Velvet2000!


The mistake we made was being tied up to long, my breasts were darker than my natural skin tone but were not overly blue or purple.

Live and learn. You did your homework, tried something new and it didn't work as well as you wanted it.

Congratulations on using your safeword!
That's what it's there for.

wheele2000 and Velvet2000, thanks for clarifying the situation. We can all learn from each other and you two have revealed a very personal moment as well as a great reason to safe word.

All,

Sometimes, the outside of the body doesn't appear to be doing anything out of the ordinary, but inside can be buzzing or burning, like a leg cramp or when a body part falls asleep. Using a safe word immediatly lets your partner know what's going on and adjustsments can be made for both your pleasure.

Phantome,

As I hope you can see, a safeword isn't always about extreme play. It can be about something as simple as "children interuptus" for those of us with kids or being stiff and uncomfortable from being in the same position for too long.

Time does tend to fly when we are having fun.

Ruby

[_ID_]

Is that the point? Does the master want to see how much pain, damage, or humiliation he or she can get away with? Whether or not the sub's hard limits are really that hard? I guess I don't understand why one would want to push the play to that level

To help clarify or give understanding in your question. When a Dom plays with a submissive, it should be for a teaching tool, for the submissive. To teach that it is ok for the submissive to use a safe word. I encountered a submissive one time that would not use a safe word for any reason. I participated in a scene where she was to be hung by the neck, and was asked if she was ok with what was going to happen. She nodded, and placed herself under the noose. I was in position as Dungeon Master at the time, and stopped the scene before she had the rope around her neck. It was to teach her she needs to know the dangers of activities she is to be a part of. That she needs to use safe words if someone is about to do something that is by far not safe. On a seperate occasion I was a part of a flogging to get the submissive to find her upper pain limits, as she indicated she hadn't yet found them. The scene was simply flogging, used a elk skin flogger, thin tails to inflict greater harm. She used her safe word after quite a lot of impact. She was forewarned that it would be a safe word scene.

If the safe word is forced and the Dom or sub were not planning on using it. After all the aftercare is taken care of, it should be assesed as to why the safe word was called, and if either did anything wrong.

Enjoy, and have fun

V/R
ID

[Phantome]

As I hope you can see, a safeword isn't always about extreme play. It can be about something as simple as "children interuptus" for those of us with kids or being stiff and uncomfortable from being in the same position for too long.
Ruby

I understand about the need to use the safeword in a number of situations that don't have anything to do with extreme pain. What I was wondering about was forcing a sub to the point where he or she must use it. I was confused about why the need to do that would exist, but I think crewdawg helped clear it up a bit. :cool:
-Phan

[Ruby]

What I was wondering about was forcing a sub to the point where he or she must use it. I was confused about why the need to do that would exist, but I think crewdawg helped clear it up a bit. :cool:
-Phan

I think IDCrewDawg did as well.

Have played with one sub in particular and witnessed other subs who were reluctant to use their safe words, the sub has to know that using their words is not a failure. Dom/mes, tops and master's outside of fiction aren't mind readers.

Thanks, IDCrewDawg!

[Ozme52]

I have to agree. It's one thing to say, we're going to find and test your limits. It's another thing to do so without foreknowledge on the sub's part that this is the purpose of the play.

To "teach" a sub that it's okay to use a safeword merely "by example" is, I believe, over the top.

Too many subs are totally invested in their dom's happiness and will suffer in silence far beyond the limits of their own pleasure. The purpose of D/s play, or at least my purpose, is mutual pleasure. If it's not mutual, then why bother searching for a compatible sub/dom?

[~hellish one~]

Too many subs are totally invested in their dom's happiness and will suffer in silence far beyond the limits of their own pleasure.

that is so right. and i had to learn that lesson the hard way. without going into too much detail, as it was so embarassing at the time, i used my safeword for the first time in play that ended with me having an extremely sore clit. i'm talking SORE...couldn't touch it for like a week, sore. the first few days, if i sat down wrong and felt any pressure on my clit...omg...i had tears in my eyes.

i could sit here and take the blame for the whole ordeal...i know i should have called out my safeword earlier and i don't deny that i am partially to blame. i had just convinced myself that i would never need my safeword. i can't explain my mental state at the time, but i didn't want to fail him. so i held out and suffered badly for it.

luckily i learned my lesson and although i've never had to invoke my safeword since that day...i know that if the situation ever presented itself, i wouldn't hesitate...and it is not a sign of failure. that's why i'm grateful for places like these forums...where we can share out experiences, good or bad, and hope that someone else is able to learn from our mistakes...and save themselves from a great deal of needless suffering.

[Phantome]

I have to agree. It's one thing to say, we're going to find and test your limits. It's another thing to do so without foreknowledge on the sub's part that this is the purpose of the play.

To "teach" a sub that it's okay to use a safeword merely "by example" is, I believe, over the top.

Too many subs are totally invested in their dom's happiness and will suffer in silence far beyond the limits of their own pleasure. The purpose of D/s play, or at least my purpose, is mutual pleasure. If it's not mutual, then why bother searching for a compatible sub/dom?

Oz, you said exactly what I was trying to say in a much more eloquent manner. I agree that finding and testing limits is reasonable, but shouldn't the sub know that's the point? Isn't that where the "consensual" part of SSC comes in? I guess the point that I was trying to make in my first post was that the sub should already know that it's OK to use the safeword, and that pushing them past their limits "just because" is a little.... harsh? Unreasonable? Dishonest? The right word escapes me... Maybe I sort of feel like it is a problem with the dom if the sub feels otherwise, because the dom should make it completely clear that he or she will not be let down by the sub using a safeword; the sub isn't a mind-reader, either. Hmmm..... an interesting argument.
-Phan

[_ID_]

he dom should make it completely clear that he or she will not be let down by the sub using a safeword; the sub isn't a mind-reader, either.

Phan - I agree with you, this is why safe words are negotiated prior to play. I was a participant to a rather lively munch once where the Dominant who was speaking was talking about scenes where they were going to get the submisive to say the safe word. The submissives in the room stated that even though they know its ok to utter this, they feel a sense of failure to both the Dom and themselves for not being able to endure the activity they were submitting to. It wasn't a matter of being able to read minds, just a matter of pride for them.

Again, this was just in a discussion at a munch, and several points of view were given.

This thread is a great discussion!

V/R
ID

[Ozme52]

Perhaps the safeword is really for me as the dom... more than the sub. How can I explore my limits if I am in fear of hurting/damaging my sub?

I need that safeword so I can escalate with confidence.

And that's the point perhaps, of having that occasional session where I say, let's test your limits. So we can see what you the sub does and does not enjoy. Your limits/tolerance may be wildly different from another persons... especially considering one day the test might be about "impact pain" and another day it's about "wax heat" or "compression" or "hogtie" pain.

Shouldn't the test precedes the scene?

[~hellish one~]

The submissives in the room stated that even though they know its ok to utter this, they feel a sense of failure to both the Dom and themselves for not being able to endure the activity they were submitting to. It wasn't a matter of being able to read minds, just a matter of pride for them.

bingo. that was my mistake. one i will never make again, thank god.

[buzzy]

oh no, my Mistress had told me that, she will teach me the use of the safe words. I try to undure our mutual pleasure while playing. She is sadistic in play and I love her for it. I both look forward to the lesson and fear in the delight of it.