Moving from O/l to R/l

[SheepishJaina]

I wanted to share this. I've mentioned before that i'd been burned badly trust wise in the past. It left emotional scars as well as physical ones. Getting burned is something that all of us, beginner or experienced need to consider and take precautions against. Trust is so important. We should be able to trust the person we open up to. There have been a lot of threads lately on trust, real doms vs play doms, and this thread could fit in any one of those, but it carries a more potent message, safety when moving from O/l to R/l.

It seems like a simple thing to say. "I'm going to meet my Dom/Domme/Master/Mistress in real life." But have you considered all of the risks?

My Story-

When I was 17 I'd been chatting online with a "dom". Thinking about my conversations with him, and knowing how Master (and other true masters/doms) have spoken to me since, I should have seen the warning signs. I was alone, very alone. I've never had any close friends in RL. I'd never dated at that point. I knew I was submissive. Desires and emotions that I had had for many years started to make sense as I started to learn (with what little time I managed to get online).

Needless to say I agreed to meet this person. He was local to me, and picked me up after school. He was older, but i'd known that. (ha! older doesn't mean experienced) We had discussed what was supposed to happen that day. very little of it did. I had expressed an intrest in spankings. So he was going to show me what that was like. he started to, but in the end he raped me. He'd known I was a virgin and had known that I had no desire to lose that. when I went home, I found bruises up and down my neck from where he'd choked me. In the end my entire family found out and I was treated by most of them like an outcast. To this day I'm not sure if my sister believes me or not.

I used very little common sense, and placed my trust poorly. I learned that day from my mistakes, and if if nothing else, I pray that others may learn from my experience without making the same mistake.

Have a specific plan with the person you are meeting, give a copy of the plan to a friend and ask them to call you at certain times, or call them, to check in. Give your friend the exact places you will be, all of the contact information for the person you are meeting. You also might consider taking along a friend for the initial meeting. If the person you are meeting is who they have led you to believe, they should not have a problem with this.

Meet in a public place. Know your way around it before meeting your partner for the first time. It should not be such a noisy place that if you screamed, no one would notice, but it also shouldn't be devoid of other human beings who can offer assistance should you need it.

Stay alert to your surroundings. Is the person you're meeting acting oddly? Have they said something that doesn't ring true from what they have told you online? Are they avoiding your eyes? Avoid walking away from your "safe place" into an area that hides you from view or screaming distance.

Be armed. Not a weapon, but a cell phone, and pepper spray. Not everything goes according to plan. You need to be prepared if it does. Have easy acess to both at all times. Don't leave it in the bottom of your purse or in a pocket that you can not pull it out of fast.

Let them leave first. Walk to your car with your friend, or ask a security guard to walk you to it. Make sure Your keys are ready in one hand to get in the car and lock it right away.

If something seems "wrong or suspicious" at any point, leave. Trust your own judgement. Safety is your number one concern, and any partner who is worth their own salt will agree to this.

Please feel free to add to this. I'm sure there are other things to remember when meeting that I have forgotten.

[TomOfSweden]

The most shocking thing with this was, (except for the rape which is always bad ) how you were treated by your own family. I would imagine not being believed by your family would hurt more than anything else?

[mina]

*huge hugs* Omg, I’m so sorry that happened to you! I’m also extremely glad you posted this… very good information. I think you pretty much covered it, I can’t think of anything else to add. The only thing I’d change is that I think you should ALWAYS bring a friend or someone along with you when meeting someone from online, no matter how close you think you are to the person. Even when meeting one of my best online friends of 5+ years in real life for the first time, I still had Master with me just in case.

Thank you for opening up and sharing this... that took a lot of courage on your part. I hope others will benefit from this thread.

[Timberwolf]

This is a damn good thread. I'm just sorry you had to go through that yourself. But it's information people need to hear.

[MsUther]

I am so sorry this happened to you, that the first person you trusted with so much, shattered that trust and abused you in the worst way. Also what Tom said... Your family`s reaction. You must have felt like the lonliest person alive at that time. Its a sign of how far you have moved on since then, that you are able to turn your nightmare to something that can help others. Thank you, so much, for telling this. For wanting to contribute to avoid this happening to someone else in the future, and for trusting us so much that you choose to let us know.
A big long hug to you.

[~hellish one~]

One of the best threads i've seen on these forums since i've been here.

~hugs the sheepishbrattyone~ so sorry you had to go through all that. NO ONE should have to go through pain like that. thank you though for sharing your experience, as horrifying as it was, in hopes that it could save someone else from making the same mistakes. lord knows we've all made mistakes!

[Silke]

Omigod, I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Rape is always a nightmare, but worst with someone you place so much trust in. *big sheep HUG* for sharing your story so that we can learn from you...and another one *hugs* just because.

I've always been one who didn't particularly care about these kind of precautions, but I'll be more careful in the future. Thanks, sheepy! :)

[Aussiegirl1]

Wow, not only is that very important information but it was so brave of you to post it. I can only imagine your pain, both physically and mentally. This is just the worst kind of abuse of trust.

Thank you so much for sharing with us all with this part of your life.

Aussiegirl

[Rabbit1]

god love you got a hold of a want to be Dom---and I am sorry you had to go thru that ----Like I said before a real Dom cares about his sub----weather online or real life ----and if a online relationship is to progress to R/L then that level of caring and trust should be there---yes you gave good advice ---make sure someone knows you are meeting another person ---do not ge in a car with them meet at a public place ----if your instints tell you something is wrong ---then it probably is ---

Rape fantasy is one thing but I have never talked to a actual rape victim that enjoyed it -----And your family should have supported you ---that is a bad part---it hurts---

thank you for sharing this with us and the useful information for the new subs

there is a difference in a Dom and a Sadist---you met a Sadist

[Phantome]

(((((((Sheepish)))))))) You are really brave for posting this, and I'm sorry you had such an experience.

I would also add that anyone considering moving an o/l relationship to a r/l relationship would probably be safer to avoid participating in any scenes or experimentation at the first meeting. The first meeting should be strictly getting-to-know-you; save the erotic, by-yourselves stuff for when you actually know the person in r/l and feel like you can trust him/her physically. Putting yourself into a situation where you are alone, most likely completely immobilized, and incapable of getting help can be very dangerous if you are with the wrong person, regardless of how nice they seemed o/l.

Also, never put yourself into a situation where you will be alone- even in the car. If you have to travel somewhere, take a taxi (or drive yourself), and ask the cab driver to wait until you get to your destination (a park bench, restaurant, etc). Always meet in public places.

HUGE SAFETY TIP:

One biggie that I've helped friends with is the "safety line." Arrange for a friend to call to you "see if you're having fun" at a pre-determined time. If you don't answer, she should immediately call the cops and give them the info that you you left for this type of emergency. If you do answer, she should ask how you're doing. Answer in code; if you say "I'm fantastic" (or whatever the codeword is), then she will know that you really are and she can relax. If you say "I'm really very good" or "I'm great" (or anything other than "I'm fantastic" or whatever the codeword is) then she should know to call the cops. That way, if you are in a dangerous situation and your captor instructs you to answer the phone and tell the person that there isn't a problem, you can still convey that you need help without tipping off your captor. Have your code words and their meanings determined and written down before the meeting. And don't be afraid about getting in trouble is your friend calls the cops and then everything turns out OK. The cops will commend you on your safety, not get mad about a bogus call. If your new r/l friend thinks what you did/are doing is stupid, you need to get away from him as fast as possible. He should commend you on your safety, as well, not get mad at it.

I know that last bit seems overly cautious, but it has saved one of my friends from potential rape/abduction before, in a situation just like this. She was meeting an o/l best friend she had "known" for about 7 years, and he knocked her over the head and abducted her. She was tied in his car and he was driving to another area, and her phone rang. He held her phone to her ear and told her to tell whomever it was that she was having fun and everything was good, or he'd kill her. She did so, but that wasn't the codeword that her and her friend had agreed upon, and the cops were able to chase him down from the 911 GPS signal on her cell phone within 15 minutes. She was rescued before she could be injured or raped. Another good point: make sure your 911 GPS is turned ON on your cell- every phone has it, and if you're carrying around a dinosaur phone that doesn't, borrow one that does. The cops can find your location to within 50 ft, so they'll be able to find you. It's always better to be overly cautious than dead. At least you'll be able to laugh about the cautious part later.
-Phantome

[frankee]

sheepy,

i am so sorry you had to go through something as traumatic as that. Then to be shunned by you family.

You are truly a courageous young woman, a bright shining star and thank you so much for sharing that with us.

Your experience could save someone else the heartache that you experienced.


*big hugs*

[Silke]

Phantome - really, really great advice! Thank you so much for posting your safety line. And please God, I hope we'll all laugh about being cautious in the end...

[Ozme52]

I... I should have seen the warning signs. ...

Perhaps sharing what you see as the warning signs would be helpful.

What did he say online that you now realize were those give-aways?

[Warbaby1943]

Sheepish I'm glad you did decide to post this. I think the more that know the more you will be able to feel better about your terrible experience. I know you told this to me in a PM but I think it was a wise choice to also post it her for other opinions. Oz's question, for example, is an excellent one. Maybe in the answer to it lies something that will help guide others away from similar circumstances. You are rebuilding just fine from the little I know about you. Keep it up and you know you always have much support from your family here when you need it.

[SheepishJaina]

Thanks for the kind words all. As a community I believe that it is our job to help educate those around us. Resources are important, but (for me at least) it's the truth and the real stories that hits home. This really happened, it could happen to anyone. Admittedly, I should have gone into what I did more prepared. I should have looked deeper into what I was doing before I did it. The draw of "Someone wants to teach me. How exciting to meet someone who turns me on Someone wants me." was too much and I rushed into the situation. Last thing I would want is for someone else to have to go through similiar.

Per Oz's question:

Warning signs. The man I met, while talking online, had no interest in me as a person, in fact he never bothered to get to know even a fraction of my personality. I was purely something sexual to him. Being submissive is about more than just sex. His entire goal was getting me to do things for him. My feelings, emotions, history, likes, dislikes, pervious experiences were never discussed. My inner voice told me that something was wrong with this, but at the time I ignored it. NEVER ignore your inner voice. It's your subconcious telling you something is very wrong with the situation you are about to place yourself in.

This man wanted to get me alone right away. I knew that before I ever even met him. At the time I explained it off to myself as he just wanted to show me as much of the "life" as possible as fast as possible. Whoever coined the phrase "patience young grasshopper" was a wise man indeed. If I myself had shown some patience and relaxed and learned, instead of the driving, "I'm running out of time, I have to know now" feeling, I would have learned more before putting my life in someone else's hands.

He wanted All control, right away. Never relinquish all of your control right away. You do have the right, and the responisibility to yourself to slowly give over control, and to ask questions about something you're unsure of. When I asked questions the answer was always "because I say so". He expected me to "serve" him without any thought to what I needed.

That's all that I can remember at the moment. In the end, my inner gut feeling told me what I was doing was not the right thing to do. I let my desire and need to serve take control, throwing away all of my own common sense. I regret what happened deeply. However it's not something I would change. It shaped me into the person I am today.

[cookiecat]

It's good to see you've gotten to a place where you can share what's happened to you. I hope each day brings you more peace. It seems you have made many friends here because of your honesty and you've found support in that friendship. Thanks for sharing.

cookiecat

[dzire2pleeze]

Sheepish...what doesn't break us...makes us strong. You are a strong person. You didn't let this traumatic experience break you. Instead you opened up to a community that needs to hear your words of wisdom.

Family, in my opinion, should first and foremost support us...right or wrong. To have them turn their backs on you...tells me that they are the weaker ones.

Stand proud, sheepish..

Huuuuuuuuuugs

[cariad]

Sending you a huge hug of support SheepyOne, and congratulations of reaching where you have, it speaks much of the personal resources you have at your disposal and how you have been prepared to use them.

You will probably never know if your post has prevented the same thing happening to someone one else, but you do know you have done the right thing in posting it.

cariad

[Tojo]

The second such story I've heard today. Thanks for trusting us enough to share, s1.

Check out this thread for further info http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3647

I'd also suggest making the first meeting a 'no play' meeting. Go away & have a think about how it went, then decide about the next one. That's a common rule.

The thing about your family is sadly very common. The same can go for friends, & authority figures. I've heard that many many times, that people find out who their friends are.

People just can't cope with such things- it brings up their own fears. To believe that an innocent person can be assaulted, people have to accept the fact that it could happen to them too....

Which explains where the myths come from - the 'way she was dressed' 'she was asking for it' etc. All of which neatly avoids the fact that it can & does happen to anyone- which is the last thing many people want to believe.

You've survived beautifully missy. Well done. :wave:


Tojo

[Ruby]

Huge hugs, Sheepish!

Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. You are very brave and the tips you've given are fantastic!

Ruby

[Flaming_Redhead]

:11: I must admit I've met 3 online friends and have been incredibly lucky that nothing terrible happened. The last one was the first time I used a safety call from my sis. I gave her the directions to where I was going, my cell number and his cell number. (((HUG))) I'm so sorry that happened. No one should have to experience that, but we can all learn from it and hopefully avoid it ourselves.

[jmanque]

(((((((Sheepish)))))))) You are really brave for posting this, and I'm sorry you had such an experience.

I would also add that anyone considering moving an o/l relationship to a r/l relationship would probably be safer to avoid participating in any scenes or experimentation at the first meeting. The first meeting should be strictly getting-to-know-you; save the erotic, by-yourselves stuff for when you actually know the person in r/l and feel like you can trust him/her physically. Putting yourself into a situation where you are alone, most likely completely immobilized, and incapable of getting help can be very dangerous if you are with the wrong person, regardless of how nice they seemed o/l.

Also, never put yourself into a situation where you will be alone- even in the car. If you have to travel somewhere, take a taxi (or drive yourself), and ask the cab driver to wait until you get to your destination (a park bench, restaurant, etc). Always meet in public places.

HUGE SAFETY TIP:

One biggie that I've helped friends with is the "safety line." Arrange for a friend to call to you "see if you're having fun" at a pre-determined time. If you don't answer, she should immediately call the cops and give them the info that you you left for this type of emergency. If you do answer, she should ask how you're doing. Answer in code; if you say "I'm fantastic" (or whatever the codeword is), then she will know that you really are and she can relax. If you say "I'm really very good" or "I'm great" (or anything other than "I'm fantastic" or whatever the codeword is) then she should know to call the cops. That way, if you are in a dangerous situation and your captor instructs you to answer the phone and tell the person that there isn't a problem, you can still convey that you need help without tipping off your captor. Have your code words and their meanings determined and written down before the meeting. And don't be afraid about getting in trouble is your friend calls the cops and then everything turns out OK. The cops will commend you on your safety, not get mad about a bogus call. If your new r/l friend thinks what you did/are doing is stupid, you need to get away from him as fast as possible. He should commend you on your safety, as well, not get mad at it.

I know that last bit seems overly cautious, but it has saved one of my friends from potential rape/abduction before, in a situation just like this. She was meeting an o/l best friend she had "known" for about 7 years, and he knocked her over the head and abducted her. She was tied in his car and he was driving to another area, and her phone rang. He held her phone to her ear and told her to tell whomever it was that she was having fun and everything was good, or he'd kill her. She did so, but that wasn't the codeword that her and her friend had agreed upon, and the cops were able to chase him down from the 911 GPS signal on her cell phone within 15 minutes. She was rescued before she could be injured or raped. Another good point: make sure your 911 GPS is turned ON on your cell- every phone has it, and if you're carrying around a dinosaur phone that doesn't, borrow one that does. The cops can find your location to within 50 ft, so they'll be able to find you. It's always better to be overly cautious than dead. At least you'll be able to laugh about the cautious part later.
-Phantome

Step one- check that your phone has GPS. Some older models, and I thought some base model, don't.

[wolfs_lilgirl]

omg thanks so much for sharing that!! really! hugs

[crikey_2004]

As a guy, I feel badly that happened to you and worse because there is no excuse for it. Period. So what would someone say to a female sub that is due to meet her first Dom next Friday? ALONE at HER house???? She feels she's taken precautions and she does have a pet collie, but I've talked to her a lot and I worry...

[cariad]

I would say copy this thread and give it to her, encourage her to join this place and listen to what other people say, including experienced Doms, and pop into the chat room too.

When you say she has taken lots of precautions, does that include active safe calls - i.e. if she does not ring and give an agreed secret code word during that call it is a cry for help. And does the person who is going to be taking that safe call, know what her plans are, and do they have the personality and ability to do what is needed if things do go wrong? I know that is all covered above, but it is sooooo important.

cariad

[cadence]

.

[Sheepish Rocky]

As a guy, I feel badly that happened to you and worse because there is no excuse for it. Period. So what would someone say to a female sub that is due to meet her first Dom next Friday? ALONE at HER house???? She feels she's taken precautions and she does have a pet collie, but I've talked to her a lot and I worry...

This is the reason I started this thread. I thought I knew the guy I'd met, and made some very very poor choices. Safety first. ABOVE EVERYTHING ELSE.

Please crikey, Copy her this thread, show her how to sign up here and point it out, or pass along my email, (sheepish_jaina@yahoo.com) or any one of my messengers (linked in profile) and I will be MORE THAN WILLING to talk to her.

Edit **and if I'm logged into my alt chatroom account.. doh!

[SheepishJaina]

*points up*

That's me.

[nk_lion]

unfortunately, we've all heard of rape cases everywhere (or atleast i have). one girl i knew would call her sister (by pressing the call button on the phone, the number was already entered). if the girl didn't talk, the sister automatically knew there was a problem.

[crikey_2004]

Thankyou Jaina (and others). I sent her the thread and email addy, and I had already asked her to have a friend standing by, but this is new to her and she's not ready to confide in someone living really close yet, which is partly why we were talking in the first place (she could confide in me because we only know each other o/l). At least she's been talking to this guy for a while now, so has some feeling for what he's like and says her apprehension level is about a 3... That's good, right?

[cariad]

I remember taking a safe call for whom, whilst I was in the same country, I was 100 miles or so away.

Before the meeting, I had checked that his phone numbers and home address checked out, and knew what their plans were. I also obviously had her phone number. Knowing where they were going to be meeting I obviously knew which emergency services to contact should I have needed to.

I knew the phone call would have been very odd, but had sort of prepared it in my mind, and would have just bullied my way through until someone had taken it seriously. Initially I did feel at a slight disadvantage for not being close, but to be honest, if things had gone pear shaped it would have been much better for the professionals to be involved immediately, rather than me trying to go in and possibly make matters even worse.

cariad

[***Kate***]

-

In the end my entire family found out and I was treated by most of them like an outcast. To this day I'm not sure if my sister believes me or not.
.

So sorry that you had to go through all what you did.
without going into it. I do know what you mean about famiy.
to this day I have never told my family about rape that I went through knowing that I would get the same treatment. I was only 13 at the time.

another safety thing is...... when you get his Number you can also ask for drivers licence number and car rego number. If he has nothing to worry about he will give it to you.
you havnt asked for address so if he was a bit shy of giving the details you could not find out where he lived with just the rego number.
Have heard of this being done here in Australia...

[nightsilver]

From what I remember during selling cellphones, phones older than 2003 (90% certain on the date) were not required to have the GPS units in them. Any phones from before that were grandfathered in. I remember upgrading a few customer's cell phones and when they weren't happy, wanting to go back to their older phones the system wouldn't permit me to do it.

From what I googled (http://www.govtech.net/news/news.php?id=77512), the E911 systems were required to be up by 2005. Given that most companies have a two year upgrade policy, I believe most users should be safe.

Also, I have had the experience of taking one relationship from online to real life before back when I was eighteen. As we talked about meeting, I was quite adamant about meeting in public, trying to talk to her mom (she lived at home), and her bringing a friend along as well. I would be particularly interested in following all these safety measures and the rest that everyone else has already mentioned even if the other person is has been suggesting these like I did to my old girlfriend. She seemed way to trusting of me, and I think part of it was my honesty and her naivety. I would hate to see anyone manipulated by using a similar ploy.

In regards to the eye contact thing, when I first saw her I was incredibly nervous. Being cautious is good, but don't be predisposed to ruining things. Her mom was actually overly paranoid. She assumed that because I was skinny and pale white (I am a geek) that I must be a drug abuser.

Anyways, hope some of my ramblings might have been helpful for someone.

[Sike]

when my friend planned to meet up with a guy who wanted to take photos of her feet, she met him first at a food court with her girlfriend.

when they met for the photos I was there as well as her gf. we left them alone but --and this is what I think is a good idea under certain meeting circumstances-- he agreed to give his keys to her gf.

He was okay... but had that not been the case, he couldn't drive off with her.

[Sir_Russell]

Both paries need to protect themselves when meeting for the first time. I use set calls to friends at set times and set code words. I give my license number and anything else she needs to feel safe. I have had subs come across the country to be with me and each time I commanded her to set up her safe calls and times. Each experience worked well for us.

I also had my calls set too, even though we think it is the sub that is at risk I know of a few times the Dom got an unpleasant surprise.

[thepast]

As Sir_Russell has mentioned, safeguards are not just for the sub but for the Dom also.

Think about it this way: Do you really want to have a relationship with someone who questions your safety measures on the first meet?

If you are meeting a person for the first time, they should be falling over themselves to give you any kind of contact info you want, and should ensure that you feel SAFE. After all, what is BDSM if it isn't safe? Food for thought.

If/when Torq and I meet others, or I go and meet others, there are HUGE safety procedures in place. I leave my contact info with Him and usually also with my family. Everyone knows where I am going, how I am getting there, when I will be calling, and what to do if I don't call. Crazy? No. Anal? Perhaps. SAFE? Yes.

A good Dom will appreciate you thinking about your safety and thinking through things intelligently.

If you get crap from a Dom on a first-meet about your safety procedures, RUN AWAY. RUN. If they can't be appreciative of vanilla life safety, are they going to be appreciative of BDSM safety?

'Nuff said.

[Ozme52]

Tis true.

[Sir_Russell]

I have said and often that emotionally there is little difference in online and b2b and I mean that. Real life though also means physical and that becomes a challenge to you both.

Can the Dom walk the talk, can the sub do what she has fantasized about. Online of thought is to make it happen at the very begining, be the hard ass demanding Dom to find out is she can take it.

I personally believe that any sub can be pushed to hard and too fast. Most subs need nurturing and rewards so she is hungry for more. Doms move at the pace you feel that you can control totally, remember hearing her beg for more is a great joy.

Long weekends sharing the life together in your roles will give you a feel for how you will be together.

[Wedjat]

Thanks about the safety comments - it's kind of nice, in and odd way, to know that Doms can get nervous too : )

Just hope I can experience one of those long weekends one of these days; it might help answer some of my questions. I'm pretty sure about a lot of the physical stuff, but not clear about the 24/7 part. Thanks for the thoughts about pacing, that's heartening. Take care and I'll start thinking of who I'd call and code words.

[SheepishJaina]

I'd forgotten about writing this thread. All too often we don't hear about the successful meetings. I recently met my dom in RL for the first time. I had safety precautions in place. It was a wonderful meeting, and in no way did he question any of the things I asked for (such as personal info for my family) prior to meeting. :)

[Sir_Russell]

Part of what makes them successful is the feeling of comfort and safety that preparing for it causes. You know that the Dom cares for your safety since he has helped you to set these up.