A Serious Question Regarding my Status as Vanilla

[cadence]

Now that I have posted a few times, I need to have this question answered.
I am still trying to determine if this is the lifestyle I truly want. I do have a Vanilla b/f who does not share my fantasies and wants
I have been on other sites and have perused the blogs, questions, and forums.
My question is this: It is of my opinion so far that subs have a difficult time keeping a Master, as Masters only train or then become bored of the routine.
I am wondering how difficult it is to find someone who will share your interests and let you be a sub to thier Dom without fear of being let go for boredom. Is there a place where you can actually find a realtionship or is it all just play? If it is just play, then keeping your current Vanilla relationship is a justifiable reason and playing on the side would be even more justifiable.
Please advise.

[Tojo]

It can be anything you want it to be, aria.

Unfortunately no one can tell you what's right for you, but finding the right place is half the fun.

It's not easy finding someone, particularly one who wants the same degree of involvement & is into the same things. That's the key though, once you get some idea of what you want.

Check out Aesop's thread for beginners, in the 'Knowledge' section.

Have a look at www.submissiveloving.com -keep learning, & maybe try a little online play first?

Take it slow, & if it don't feel right, don't do it.

IMO any so called Master who becomes bored with his sub, is not that serious anyway & probably best avoided.

Let us know how it all turns out- we await with interest.

Tojo

[Dragon's muse]

i have served my Dragon for 13 years now. There are some Masters who train and run. There are some "normal" vanilla guys that run once a certain level of comfort sets in. Relationships are iffy and there are azzhatz in every walk of life.

[Aussiegirl1]

Aria, it does seem to be a matter of luck. I know I am so lucky to have found someone like Tojo, especially when I wasn't even looking! To me, if you can be friends first and if you feel right, you are part of the way there. As Tojo said though, you need to have compatable needs and desires too. Also it has to be fun.

It needs to be something that you feel deep inside of you, and it is not for everyone. I have only just now realised it is what I want, but for many, many years I was happy to just look on and read some great stories. You will know in your heart if you really want to try persue something and I wish you all the best as you discover what it is you want.

[orchid]

i think what muse said is a great point...nilla or lifestyle, there are some people that are just not cut out to stick around after the newness and excitement wears off...

my advice, take the same time and the same precautions you would in a 'normal' relationship...yes, there will be hurt and heartbreak in the lifestyle, but there will be in the 'nilla world too...

and as well as the 'nilla world, there can be love, laughter, fulfillment and forever here too. when you meet the right one, i believe you will just know...does that mean it will be forever?

not necessarily...but then again, no 'nilla partnership is necessarily forever either.

believe me...i am going thru this right now. My Master wavers in this lifestyle..i do not..i am in the middle of trying to decide if sometimes is enough for me...and if its not, i have decision to make....either i can cheat myself out of my true self and stay with Him, whom i love dearly...or i can cut my losses (after 14 years together, 10 of them married) and move on.

Bottom line is only you will know whats right for you and you just have to take steps to get there

easier said than done, and i am being quite the hypocrite here, considering my position but trying to be as truthful as i can at the moment.

good luck!
orchid

[Ruby]

Is there a place where you can actually find a realtionship or is it all just play? If it is just play, then keeping your current Vanilla relationship is a justifiable reason and playing on the side would be even more justifiable.
Please advise.

Hi Aria,

It takes two to tango.
Two to make it happen.
Two to make it work.

Yes, you can find a relationship.
Yes, it can be just play.
It depends on what you and your partner want.

Playing on the side? That can break up the two of you.
Because now instead of two, there's three or more.
The green eyed monster named jealousy may appear and fragile egos need protection.

As we age and grow, our wants and needs change.

Ask yourself if you are seeking a partner to grow old with or a partner for play only.

Would you be happy with a dom who's married to someone else? Or do you want to marry your dom?
And a zillion other questions.

The more you know about yourself, the easier it is to search for a partner that can satisfy your needs and vice versa.

Ruby

[cadence]

I think I need to reiterate my post.
I tend to babble on at times without ever getting to the point that I wanted to make in the first place.
I know that no one can give me a "quick fix" answer, and that I alone must make my decision and accept the consequences (be they good or bad) that will subsequently follow.
What tends to make me stop though, is that I read about people who are unhappy with thier decisions, and people who live the lifestyle, who say that it is probably easier for people such as myself to stay where we are, and live Vanilla.
The negativity I receive seems to outwiegh the postive aspects, and makes my decision that much harder to weed through.
I have already decided who I am and what I want, but I stall in making a start to get to where I want to be, and begin to second guess myself.
What I am really wanting to know is how happy people are who have made that decision to switch lifestyles, and how difficult it was in the beginning, and how they made it easier.

[Dragon's muse]

What tends to make me stop though, is that I read about people who are unhappy with thier decisions, and people who live the lifestyle, who say that it is probably easier for people such as myself to stay where we are, and live Vanilla.
The negativity I receive seems to outwiegh the postive aspects, and makes my decision that much harder to weed through.
I have already decided who I am and what I want, but I stall in making a start to get to where I want to be, and begin to second guess myself.
What I am really wanting to know is how happy people are who have made that decision to switch lifestyles, and how difficult it was in the beginning, and how they made it easier.


i wish i could help more, but i was fortunate to have found my place (and my Master) very early in my life. i do know though that this is the only life that could ever truly fulfill me.

all i can really tell you is this, if (Goddess forbid, i am not claiming it) something were to happen to the Dragon, i would move forwrd, but i would do it alone rather than in a vanilla relationship or in a relationship with a Master who had a fundamentally different philisophy (regarding lifestyle and life) than i do.

i hope this is a bit more helpful

muse

[TomOfSweden]

I think I need to reiterate my post.
I tend to babble on at times without ever getting to the point that I wanted to make in the first place.
I know that no one can give me a "quick fix" answer, and that I alone must make my decision and accept the consequences (be they good or bad) that will subsequently follow.
What tends to make me stop though, is that I read about people who are unhappy with thier decisions, and people who live the lifestyle, who say that it is probably easier for people such as myself to stay where we are, and live Vanilla.
The negativity I receive seems to outwiegh the postive aspects, and makes my decision that much harder to weed through.
I have already decided who I am and what I want, but I stall in making a start to get to where I want to be, and begin to second guess myself.
What I am really wanting to know is how happy people are who have made that decision to switch lifestyles, and how difficult it was in the beginning, and how they made it easier.

Easy and safe doesn't make it good. My life is a lot more complicated than it could have been if I'd done the vanilla thing. I was quite young when I started in the whole BDSM thing, so I don't really have a before life to compare it to.

I think you need to decide if it's just a sexual fantasy, or if it's something deeper. There's more to it than just having BDSM sex. When you have sexual fantasies, what do they entail? Would you like to live out those fantasies? There's plenty of people who are content with only fantasising about dominance, (or whatever) while masturbating but would never ever like to live it out in any other setting. There's really no right or wrong and nobody can tell you how you will feel about it. Nobody. You won't find out until you take the plunge.

[Ruby]

What I am really wanting to know is how happy people are who have made that decision to switch lifestyles, and how difficult it was in the beginning, and how they made it easier.

With the right partner it's as difficult as changing an outfit. Today you wear pants, tomorrow a skirt.

BDSM is something you can incorporate into your current lifestyle while you and your partner are making choices, do we want strawberry today or chocolate? As other threads have shown, it can be something you keep online, in the bedroom, or incorporate into your daily life.

Now if you are talking about submersing yourself in a 24/7 d/s relationship that's a whole different thing.

When you say "switching lifestyles" what does that mean to you?

[Ozme52]

I think I need to reiterate my post.
I tend to babble on at times without ever getting to the point that I wanted to make in the first place.
I know that no one can give me a "quick fix" answer, and that I alone must make my decision and accept the consequences (be they good or bad) that will subsequently follow.
What tends to make me stop though, is that I read about people who are unhappy with thier decisions, and people who live the lifestyle, who say that it is probably easier for people such as myself to stay where we are, and live Vanilla.
The negativity I receive seems to outwiegh the postive aspects, and makes my decision that much harder to weed through.
I have already decided who I am and what I want, but I stall in making a start to get to where I want to be, and begin to second guess myself.
What I am really wanting to know is how happy people are who have made that decision to switch lifestyles, and how difficult it was in the beginning, and how they made it easier.


Not to make light of it... but it is human nature to complain. So you will hear nearly 100% of the things that go wrong and probably less than 5% of the things that go right.

Since we apparently only make up about 10% of the population, there's not going to be a whole lot of good press.

Given that... I think the lifestyle really rocks because there's nowhere near a 20-1 ratio of bad to good commentary.

[ElectricBadger]

What I am really wanting to know is how happy people are who have made that decision to switch lifestyles, and how difficult it was in the beginning, and how they made it easier.
I think the first, hardest part, is to open up to another person about your desires; 'coming out' as it were. It requires a ton of trust. If you're past that, it gets easier in my experience.

To my mind, there is no line of embarkation, no split between vanilla and bdsm life. It's not some complete change that happens overnight. To make it easier, take it slowly and reasonably, just like you would with any developing relationship.

Understand that any serious, long term relationship is about compromise. You give and take, and adjust to another person because you can't imagine being without them. Vanilla still leaves a lot of wiggle room. If you've approached your boyfriend with "lets completely change our relationship," it's not surprising he's not interested. Start doing small, subservient things, that cross no boundaries. Call him "sir" from time to time. Kneel next to him when you watch TV. Offer to take over a chore, and do it in lingerie. After doing things like that, ask him how he liked it. If he complains about your serving him in lingerie, take him right to the morgue, 'cause the boy has no pulse. Otherwise, move from there, step by step, into heavier stuff: wear handcuffs to bed when you're frisky; it doesn't require he take any active part in your submission, but the next time his holding the key might not be much of a step. Ask him to bite your neck, or spank you. I suspect you'll find a point at which you can compromise. He might not ever whip you silly, and that may not be enough, but I honestly feel there is no truly caring partner that can't accomodate some of your wants and desires.

As for masters growing bored with slaves, that sounds like puppy crushes or too much fantasy fiction, and not enough reality. Yes, people can get bored with their sexual partners; that has nothing to do with bdsm. Personally, I think the innovation possible in bdsm can keep things a lot newer and exciting than vanilla, and thus is more often to stay intense, but I'm still awaiting the study. Seriously though, how dull can a partner get when they'll do nearly anything you tell them to? If you're slave isn't entertaining you sexually, it's because you're boring, not the slave. But I digress. I've been with my slave for 8 years now; most of my adult life, as I'm only 28, and we've been married for 6 of those. There are times we stagnate, but that's normal; we still have crazy mad passion on a regular basis.

[cadence]

I thank everyone for their suggestions and replies, they have been very helpful. This weekend has been a very hectic and stressfull one, and I believe that I will be posting another question soon.
However I should state that I would like nothing more than to be in a 24/7 D's relationship, but realistically I have been in a long term Vanilla relationship and cannot just leave because I have different wants and needs than his. I need to try and find out if we can compramise on what I want and what he can give me.
And again thank you to everyone for your advice.