Is he showing off too much?

[respecter]

Hi, folks.

I'm new to this, but I'm interested and curious. I have an introduction in that thread a few weeks back.

My husband has given me permission to explore a bit of BDSM with a Dom, so I've been shopping for one. I've met two online, have been chatting a bit. Something I've noticed about both of them is a bit of showing off, and I dislike it.

They're both professional, accomplished men, one 44 and the other in his 50's, and they have a lot of interesting stories to be sure. The thing is, in these gettin' to know you chitchats, I feel like they're trying too hard to impress me, and it's a turnoff. I confess that I am a huge advocate of subtlety, in my usual life.

So my question is, is it just me and I'm incredibly nitpicky? Or is this behavior something I have good cause to question?

Thanks, folks!

[TomOfSweden]

Anything that makes you get turned off, is your bussiness. You should never stay in a relationship that doesn't work for you. Even if everybody in the world thought you were being nit picky, it's still within your right to terminate it because of it. But for your own sake. I'd comunicate this to them. I doubt they'll be offended.

Or you could just go for a Scandinavian Master. Showing off is quite a strong cultural taboo we have over here.

[Phantome]

TRUST YOUR GUT! If there is even one single thing that make you uncomfortable or turns you off about a potential dom, you need to be looking elswhere. There are actually many exptremely educational threads in this forum about this very thing, and I highly reccomend you read them.

True doms vs. play doms:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6617

Moving from online to real-life relationships (has good list of red flags to look out for when getting to know a dom online):
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6759

Excellent thread about how to tell real, caring doms from fake, potentially dangerous doms. Definitely a must-read; the ENTIRE thing:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3647

There is a lot of trust involved in a d/s relationship, so make sure you find someone who is interested in and cares about YOU, not just making themselves look good. Happy hunting! :)
-Phantome

[Phantome]

Also remember that despite the title of "submissive," you are in control. Just like Tom said, it is your choice who you submit to, and it is your right to end it if you want to. This should be an understanding up front, and if your dom is not OK with that, then he's not the right one for you.
-Phan

[SheepishJaina]

Howdy mate!

Personally, for myself, I didn't come looking for an O/l Master. I found one in someone who didn't push himself on me. I know that personally When a Dom is immediately pushing himself onto me (or anyone) I immediately get suspicious wondering what their exact motives are. Some Doms I've found are naturally pushy without trying. It comes across with everything they say, no matter who they're talking to. Others, are more pushy because they desire you as their sub. (which this alone can have multiple motives for)

Best advice I can give if you are looking. Take a step back. Talk to doms that are looking for a sub, but don't do it from the angle of a sub looking for a dom. Talk to them more as a friendly getting to know you way. I personally love the chat room for this. You get to see how the doms in there interact around others as well as yourself. We're also a friendly bunch of folks to talk to :)

Hope this helps!

[maddie]

Well, if there's one thing I've learned, it's that men don't seem to be able to handle subtlety very well. At least not most. Some can, but not all.

But I definitely echo the suggestions of "follow your gut".

[Silke]

Yeah, if there's something that doesn't feel right to you so early on, he's probably not right, at least not for you. From what you say, you seem to know pretty well what you like and what turns you off...just go with that. :)

And just in case you're wondering whether all doms are like that...they're not. I personally don't like the show offs either - casual confidence turns me on. If someone tries to impress too hard, I start getting the idea that there's more hot air than substance involved, lol. Someone who feels comfortable with who he is and where he stands doesn't have to brag about it. ;)

[Ozme52]

My gut reaction is that yes, they're trying to impress you.

First of all, they should be more interested in you and your situation. New subs, in particular, are labor intensive. I wouldn't want to take on someone who isn't seriously curious. I'm surprised they aren't grilling you rather than showing their presumed plumage.

Second, you shouldn't want to submit your psyche to someone who is disinterested in your needs or requirments. When you've determined someone might be a good trainer/teacher for you, then is the time you might begin asking about what they do and how they came to be here looking.

Third, and my opinion only... You should be feeling a thrill when you talk to them. If they can't elicit an electric response from you, that you feel deep down... that, to be crude, makes you wet, then steer clear.

Especially online. If they don't write well enough to excite you... then what do you hope to achieve? Or are you expecting it to be strictly phone, webcams, and real life meetings?

[Timberwolf]

Perhaps somewhat stating the obvious. But if they seem to talk about a lot of past acts with different past subs, I'd take that as a sign that their subs didn't hang around long term. And that would lead me to ask why, and if the conclusion I came to matched up with the kind of Dominant that I wanted.

If they're just talking about past acts with one or two maybe I'd view it as different, but it still has a "here, look at my Dom resume" vibe, as opposed to a "how can you and I mesh best" vibe.

[Tojo]

Personally, for myself, I didn't come looking for an O/l Master. I found one in someone who didn't push himself on me.

I think s1 says it pretty well there.

Personally I don't believe in actually looking for a husband, wife, play partner or whatever- I look for a friend. If something comes from that,well & good- but I firmly believe any kind of relationship needs friends as a basis.

Works for me! :)


Tojo

[_ID_]

respecter - Two things come to mind when I read your post. First, what is it your looking for. Are you looking for just an online connection, or are you intent on eventually meeting these 'Doms'? Second, have they been able to teach you, help you grow as a submissive? Do you carry on conversations that are teaching you both the risks as well as the joys of different activities, or is it just kinky cyber?

So to the first question I have. If you intend only online, then their boasting might very well be to impress you, to get you to try to think of them in a more Dominant view. If you intend on more than online, well I would be looking for a new contact. All that conversation about their skills and such would best be saved for giving you a good time as a submissive, rather than just verbal jockeying for your attention.

To the second question. If the chat you are having with them is barely more than kinky cyber. Look for someone else. If they are able to teach you things, able to educate you. Start asking more detailed questions about whatever activity they are talking about. For instance, if they talk about how good they are with a flogger. Ask them if they use a windmill technique, or if they use more of a wrist action figure eight technique. Apply that level of detail to whatever activity they talk about, see if they are boasting, or actually have a clue.

If your looking for real contact, they should be very open and honest about their experience (not boastfull just honest). Dont be overly worried about a Dominant who admits they are kinda new. At least they have the confidence to be honest and open with you. That confidence has the potential to develop into a very good skill set for whatever they decide to learn.

Above all else, remember this lifestyle is about you having fun, you enjoying what you are experiencing. If you are not enjoying things, its time to change what you are doing, or who you are experiencing it with.

V/R
ID

[MrDom]

For me it slow easy and plenty of paitences for someone who is curious.Personally I am me. I just like to talk and find out what you like dislike or what your looking for. I don't need to be pushy. For you if your gut feeling is oh my there pushy then step away and look. I don't need to impress you either. It takes time for me and you to get comfie with each other. Before you can go futher. I want you to read everything and i will send liks to pages for you to read. This way you can make good choices. This is what I did for my girl I have now. But listen to everyone here they all have good advice. But what is important is listen to yourself.


MrDom

[AdamPowers]

Um... dito all of the above. I was going to comment, but it's fairly well covered by everyone else. Trust your gutt. I'd also suggest talking with more people. The forums is a great place to get some advice, but sometimes just talking with someone one on one helps as well. Hang in there, I'm sure you will find what you are looking for. Don't get too eager :)

- Adam

[Alex Bragi]

I agree pretty much with all the excellent advice you've been give here, however, something in your post did kind of jump out at me. You said: "My husband has given me permission to explore a bit of BDSM with a Dom..."

If you had to ask for his permission, don't you already have a potential dom right there above your nose?

Maybe it's your husband who should be talking (and learning) from these two doms?

:)

[AdamPowers]

There may be other reasons... but excellent suggestion Alex.

[Tojo]

& be sure to let us know how you go? :)


Tojo

[ElectricBadger]

I may be a bit cynical, but I think that any sort of "meat market" or hookup scenario is going to have a lot of posturing. It may be pompous bragging, it may be tall dark and quiet, but if the intent is to appeal to one another, expect them to try to appeal. I mean, it's silly to walk into a singles bar and complain about guys posturing, you know? It's what humans do; we want to be liked and desired, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that.

On the other hand, if their attempt to appeal...isn't...then they're probably not what you're looking for. Say thanks but no thanks, and move along.