Do you approach Doms?

[AdamPowers]

So it's interesting to hear what others have to say in their search for a partner, either for online play or real life experiences. I constantly hear from the women I meet the 'flood of emails and messages' they receive from guys looking for 'the hook-up'. I guess this is to be expected. Guys are naturally horny idiots.

So I began to compare. Simple things such as messages, pokes, admirers, favorites, etc.

sub received on average 20 messages a day.
sub had over 50 pokes
sub had 8 admirers/favorites.

me
zero
zero
zero

hmm so the question. Do any of you actually browse profiles, see someone you might potentially be interested in, and then actually contact them yourself.

OR

as a submissive you feel it is not your place to contact someone, they should contact you?

Thanks for any input.

- Adam

[Silke]

Hmm, I've always been shy to approach guys - especially if they're REALLY interesting, lol, so I guess I'm the one to wait for a guy to approach me. Same in r/l by the way....

Do I feel it's not my place? Nope, I don't think that's the point for me...it's just a wonderful flattering feeling to be noticed by someone else and it's kinda scary to approach someone and maybe be rejected. Sorry, I guess that's the same for the guys...erm...umm...well... ;)

[Timberwolf]

I've never approached anyone as either a Dom or a sub and really tried to start something that way. Maybe I'm odd but I actually, you know, talk to people first. Get to know them. Then if we like each other we can just go with the flow from there. I've had a couple of PMs from admirerers, I guess you could call them. Plus of course ones among friends.

Then again I never was one for bars or nightclubs either so I guess I'm just staying consistant.

[chattel69]

I guess I have done both but not for the same reason. If I see someone online who is local and they seem interesting, I will drop them a line to see if they would like to talk not necessarily for a hook up but just to be able to talk with like minded people.

If I am looking for a hook up, I am too shy to approach anyone whether it be online or real life.

[TomOfSweden]

I don't have any problems aproaching subs but generally, when I've been contacted by a sub, it's more likely to go somewhere. It's not that I prefer it, it's just how it's always seemed to pan out.

Adam, I don't think you should worry in the least if it's your place or not. Somebody has to take the first step, and we're all grateful if it's somebody else who does it, Dom or not.

I think the secret to approaching anybody is to first make your move and then wait. If that first try didn't work then she probably isn't interested and you should move on. It's the being pushy part that could really annoy a Dom, and I have a feeling that even a pushy Dom is unwelcome among subs.

[Rabbit1]

My subs usually come from casual conversations ---not sent to "hook up" but rather just joking around with people in general and getting to know them.

and I think that is the best way ---get to know some one first ---before you enter a hook up relationship with them ----

[TomOfSweden]

My subs usually come from casual conversations ---not sent to "hook up" but rather just joking around with people in general and getting to know them.

and I think that is the best way ---get to know some one first ---before you enter a hook up relationship with them ----

Yes, but taking that first step is still the same. That feeling of sticking your ass out in the breeze so to speak. Making a move is always risking rejection whether or not you've become close friends.

[Talia]

My Sir contacted me....I contacted my Daddy initially because I had just become a moderator and he was one here as moderator already and well..if I need to talk to him about this place I needed away to contact him. So I sent him a quick IM..I was busy, kids, life..etc..but just wanted to add him to my list real quick. A few days later we started talking and well read around, you'll find how Daddy and I hooked up.

Master contacted me from another site. I was feeling as though things weren't going well in my search for a dom when I found his email....things just went from there.

SB

[Aussiegirl1]

Until I joined this site, I was never the one to approach someone I liked first! Here, I have found a new confident to just PM someone and say Hi. It was not in a hope to "hook up", but just a way of getting to know them better. I can't stand pushy, but love it when you can get to know someone well over time.

So I guess Adam, just say Hi to those you like and see what happens. It certainly worked for me!

[Alex Bragi]

I've never met a domme in real life,well, not that I'm aware of, anyway. I know they exist both in loving relationships and, obviously, as professionals. My other half does allow me to dominate him occasionally, but it's never with any truly submissive sincerity. So, I can only tell you what I've observed on online.

Well, from what I've seen and, unfortunately, what I hear constantly lamented by submissive men, is that many online dommes aren't actually dominant. The dominance they display is often just a thin veneer to their submissiveness. Why they present themselves as dommes; I have not idea. So, beware.

I'm a switch. When I play at being dominant, the thrill of power and domination, over a man, consumes me completely. I see a lot of women on line who tag themselves "Mistress" but I see few with that same hunger to dominate. (I'm in a great online relationship by the way.)

Online or off, I think all women look for a man who is able to express himself. Particularly, when words are all you have, they're damned important! Let me tell you there is nothing worse than an introduction like this: "How r u?" If I ever hear about you using that dopey net shorthand, I will come and personally whip your ass!

And, please, please, never ever use: "a/s/l" !!! But, especially the "a". :D

Now, don't be afraid to initiate a conversation. Let me ask you this--what have you got to lose?

A good sense of fun helps too. Everyone likes to laugh. Just take care to know when to stop.

And, remember, unlike you--you horny little whore--the majority of women are looking for more than just a good fuck. They want intelligent conversation thrown in too.

Ok, having said that, please, when she's ready for that good old fashioned cyber fucking, please don't go boring her to distraction with "I'm very tall, tanned, and have a very athletic build..." because we've all heard that online bullshit before. Let me tell you, when she's feeling hot all she wants to know about is what's between your waist and your knees. Ok?

R/t try joining an online bdsm dating service. Alt and Collarme are two of the biggest.

And, finally, since submissive men seem to outnumber dominant women--good luck. :)

[Timberwolf]

I've seen a lot of "Dominant women" who are really in it looking for an excuse to kick men in the balls. Either figertuvely/phycologically, or in some cases, literally. Thanks, but I'll pass on those. If I want to be nagged at, told how stupid my friends are, and told how crap I am for being born with the wrong set of genitals, I'm sure I could find a woman to do that without the pretence of being a Domme.

"Well, from what I've seen and, unfortunately, what I hear constantly lamented by submissive men, is that many online dommes aren't actually dominant. The dominance they display is often just a thin veneer to their submissiveness."

I think of them as an offshoot of the "bratty sub" looking to be put in their place, I guess. And some of them are probably switches, though a lot of people whom I think could go down that path seem fairly reluctant to embrace it.

"And, finally, since submissive men seem to outnumber dominant women--good luck."

I once read a pretty serious article that labelled the ratio of subs to genuine Doms (overall, no gender taken into account) at a 10 to 1 ratio. Now, I think that ratio is bollocks, but it's still a fair suggestion that overall Doms are the outnumbered club regardless of gender. I will say that online I've met less Dommes than any other role in BDSM, including switches of either sex.

[Alex Bragi]

"Well, from what I've seen and, unfortunately, what I hear constantly lamented by submissive men, is that many online dommes aren't actually dominant. The dominance they display is often just a thin veneer to their submissiveness."

I think of them as an offshoot of the "bratty sub" looking to be put in their place, I guess. And some of them are probably switches, though a lot of people whom I think could go down that path seem fairly reluctant to embrace it.

...



Well, that's certainly an interesting point, and one I hadn't really considered. Yes, a lot of them probably do fit into the "bratty sub" catagory.

The most common complaint I hear is that they start off topping, but then want to slip into subbing. It seems very deceitful to me; luring the poor guy in under false pretences.

I suppose it's also possible that they could be switches, but I don't really think so. From what I've been told, they seem as if they're all for domming until it gets hot, then they cool off the idea and want to sub. Very frustrating for the poor submissive man. :)

Oh, and that ten to one ratio--wow!!! I gotta love that! :D

[angelfreak]

I guess I have done both but not for the same reason. If I see someone online who is local and they seem interesting, I will drop them a line to see if they would like to talk not necessarily for a hook up but just to be able to talk with like minded people.

If I am looking for a hook up, I am too shy to approach anyone whether it be online or real life.


I've done both, too. When I first started my search, I wasn't really looking for someone to Dom me, but to talk to about my new found submissive desires. After quite a few, "On your knees, bitch" responses, I stopped being the agressive contactor and just did what I could to learn on my own. The times I've been contacted by Doms have been the times where there was more potential for things working out.

Cool thing was, when my Master contacted me, it was just for us to talk. Neither of us were looking for that dynamic in the other...it just...happened. :D

[TomOfSweden]

Since this is turning into a thread about earlier experiences.

My last slave I met in the strangest of places. We met in Stockholms seediest bar. I was in a bussiness meeting and she was a friend of the guy I was having the meeting with. After bussiness was concluded we got drinking and I got friendly with the good looking chick. I made a move, (admittedly a fairly rude move) and she blew me off, but in a flirty way. I managed to get her number from my bussiness contact and called her up the following day but she was utterly uninterested.

Out of the blue she calls me up three months later and asks if I'd like to go with her to a party of a guy we both know vaguely, (the kind of guy who know's half of Stockholm) and we end up fucking the shit out of each on my kitchen floor that night. Great sex but she made it clear she had no interest in meeting me again. Women are strange so I didn't give it any more thought.

Three months on she calls me up again and we start dating. Like they do in Hollywood movies. Dinner and watching video together and stuff. Bizarre. After a few weeks of this we were madly in love with each other and she became my collared slave.

My long and maybe pointless story is that there's no right or wrong. Love is a very strange beast. You just need to pop the question and go for it. I don't think it's a question of whether or not it's the subs place to ask or not. We all face the fear of rejection all the time and it's a very bad reason to refrain from asking.

edit: ...now it's six years on and we're getting a divorce. Funny how things go.

[Tojo]

Shouldn't this be in 'Questions for a submissive?'

Is it subs you're talking to Adam?


Tojo

[SheepishJaina]

Moved to general Knowledge base, as the topic is something which concerns all :)

[AdamPowers]

Shouldn't this be in 'Questions for a submissive?'

Is it subs you're talking to Adam?


Tojo

Yes, I'm meeting subs... or at least they are telling me they are subs. I have joined various BDSM dating sites and finding it rather difficult to make a connection, despite (from my approach) being very polite, friendly and honest. Maybe I just have higher moral values than the other men out there. (no offense to anyone).

The few connections I have made is what sparked this thread. In the times I have chatted with the females I have met, they have all constantly complained about the mass amount of messages and inquiries they receive. Some of the women have shared with me the typical messages, which are usually something along the lines of "Ur Hawt! Down on ur knees biatch, Daddy's here!" ... or whatever.

So I'm like, well damn, I'm a bit more formal, intelligent and sincere, but at least you GET 20-30 messages a day. Yes granted most of the inquiries are from people you probably don't want to meet, but you do get them. So it made me start wondering why I have never been contacted. Is it my profile? My approach? My attitude?

So I began asking the women I have spoken with what they liked and didn't like about my profile... I figured I was on track there... so it might be something else. Which is the question I am asking.

I look through the profiles to find potential matches... I would guess most subs on the sites do the same... but do they actually go through the process of making first contact? Or is it because they receive so many messages, they don't need to actively search.. or as a sub do they feel it's out of line to approach first?

MAYBE, I'm just thinking about this too much. More or less, it was a question I thought I would pose to everyone here to see what the response might be.

- Adam

[michelle~]

Adam,

I understand the perplexity that you feel and share it.

Perhaps the answer is to look for contacts and friends, not a partner, as that only comes with time and more knowledge. Relationships simply cannot be forced to blossom in the span of two emails or one coffee meeting.

It might help to have a female sub take a look at your ad and give honest comments with her perspective.

And know many of us are still searching.....

[Silke]

I really haven't ever actively searched for a dom on here. It just...happened. So, I don't really know how the subs who're looking for a dom go about it. It would probably help if any of those would come forward and talk. :)

[Timberwolf]

Adam - in my experience women very rarely approach first men online, for the main reason being they do spend a lot of time fighting off the "asl, u sound hot" crowd. I don't think it's as bad on message boards as it is in chat rooms, but I don't want to even think about what kind of replies some women must get to adds on a personal site.

It's not like I can blame them for getting scared off. Some men are, indeed, pigs.

I know that if I have been approached, it's been on the grounds of friendship, and I always try and approach others the same way. Is it the longer, perhaps even harder path? Perhaps, but I've found it to be the far more fulfilling. You'll find someone in time if you're the kind of guy you seem like (meaning honest, capable of carying a conversation etc), and then you'll have a good reminder of that old addage, quality over quantity. :) I wouldn't go altering your profile too much. In my view, just be honest about whatever you have to say in it, go with your own truths, and let that be the crutch you use to stand on. One can do far worse as a starting point.

[Alex Bragi]

Sorry Adam, I should have read your thread more carefully, and so I'm probably responsible for a bit of thread drift in the opposite direction to what you were looking for.

I actually got you confused with a male sub on this board. Sorry, about that. :)

[AdamPowers]

Yea. I guess it's to be expected. I'm not really 'searching', nor am I really trying hard. I just thought sometimes the interest level, or contact would go both ways. No biggy, as always, my posts are more for personal reference and to attempt to spark interesting conversations. Thanks again for the feedback.

- Adam

[Talia]

Shouldn't this be in 'Questions for a submissive?'

Is it subs you're talking to Adam?


Tojo


Good point Tojo...so I moved it. ;)

[Tojo]

On the ball as always SB. :)

Thanks for the clarification Adam.

Myself, as far as who should approach who, it's about 50/50 for me. However I don't look at someone I don't know & want them to be my sub.

It's hard enough building that sort of relationship with someone who is a good friend, without trying to do it with someone you don't know.

Besides, how do you know they're worth the trouble if you don't get to know them?

The general consensus, as I see it, is that many, if not most successful relationships start off with two people just chatting- PMs first, then maybe email & perhaps IM & phone calls.

Once you've got to that stage over a period of time, you're in a postition to judge how serious the person is with keeping in contact, & whether they're commited enough (a very big point indeed)

I met someone on this very forum pretty much by chance, not long ago. We sent a few PMs & clicked really well. If I had been looking for a sub, I would have just let things happen. So far every girl I've ever had any sort of play or D/s relationship with has asked me- apart from one. That didn't work out....

Oh & I say to any sub I talk to, whether my own or not, that it's their job to say hi to me on IM. I believe those with the least confidence should be in the position of the most power.

That's just my thoughts- hope that helps someone.

Tojo

[cariad]

I would echo what Tojo has said. There a number of people here who I feel privileged enough to call friends. These friendships were either initially formed in the chatroom or as a result of one of us sending the other a PM about a post here in the forums. Now it is common knowledge that I am not looking for a relationship, and perhaps I flatter myself, but I suspect that if I were, some of those friendships could have some gentle flirting added to them, and then...well it is impossible to say.

I met ColinClout, whose initials I wear, in the chatroom. He was the first person who spoke to me when I arrived, showed me around and befriended me, the rest is of the story is history.

So my advice would be – forget about looking for someone special, become a member of the community, enjoy the company here, make friends on the basis that you are fellow human beings rather Dom/me or sub, and when you are least expecting it…

cariad

[cariad]

Oh & I say to any sub I talk to, whether my own or not, that it's their job to say hi to me on IM. I believe those with the least confidence should be in the position of the most power.

So that is why you never send me an IM!

Grins
cariad

[caligirl{Rob}]

Hmmmm i am much more of a casual say hello and see what happens, partly the submissive part of my personality, but also partly due to "getting to know" you and me sort of way around things. I had seen A_D around for some time and would say hello, but would never have thought to approach him in other ways...lucky for me he liked my hello! *winks*

[Lycurgus]

Adam
Here is what happened to me.. I started out a few months ago in another chat room. My screen name did not work well and since I was new to all of this, I was quickly not taken seriously. So I cooled down for a while and re registerd with a different, perhpas more serious name, and kept quiet...listened...and slowly made a few remarks where my humour and character worked...and I worked the character carefully and low and behold I became respected by the other Doms and Dommes and got many PM from some of the better known subs as well..

Rule: good for many areas; better keep your mouth shut and make people think you are a newby than open it and say something stupid and prove it.
Some subs will accept that you are new and are willing to learn with you, while others dont want to bother with you...

Think of chat as going to a party or bar... going up to a girl and saying "duh hia there how are ya" is not the best openin line...just like "how r u" doesnt work in chat.

Lycurgus