Happiness in Slavery by TomofSweden

[Alex Bragi]

A few days ago, TomofSweden posted the first part of a story he's written. Since he's keen to have some feedback before he submits more, I thought his first chapter would make an excellent discussion.

It's a short and easy read M/f piece, so please take a few minutes to click on this link (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/story.php?storyid=4850) and give one of our newest authors your thoughts.

Ok, let's get this rolling. :)

What did you think of the story title and blurb? Did it tell you enough to pique your interest and want to read more?

The first few lines (paragraph) are vital to any story. Did this one "hook" you and make you want to keep reading?

Did this story contain enough detail about the characters looked like, for all you perverts out there, or would you have like more?

Were you able to clearly visualise what the characters were doing and what was happening?

The story contains no personal nouns. Did the use of "he" and "she" distance you from the characters, or did you feel it enhanced their sexuality?

Did the author succeed in creating a strong feeling of dominance and submission?

One reviewer says it let him/her "felting flat". Why do you think this may have been?

Finally, Tom's received good scores for this piece so far, but he's still chasing that illusive ten out of ten. So, if you could give him just one piece of advice, to improve his writing, what would it be?

[TomOfSweden]

Hello and thanks for the atention. I'm allready feeling spoiled. I'd more than anything apreciate comments on language. English is not my native tounge so I'm well aware it needs improving.

Don't worry about being polite. I always apreciate the harsh truth more than polite lies.

thanks again for the spotlight.

[TomOfSweden]

Thanks for the detailed review MsUther. You're my new hero now and I'm hard at work making it better. It'll be some time now before I released the sequels because I'm seeing more and more weaknesses in them. Thank you again.

:pray:

[ElectricBadger]

What did you think of the story title and blurb? Did it tell you enough to pique your interest and want to read more?
Niether reveals very much, but they certainly aren't bad. They did leave me struggling with what the plot could be -- something I'll touch on later.

The first few lines (paragraph) are vital to any story. Did this one "hook" you and make you want to keep reading?
The first two paragraphs were actually where I had the most trouble. First, the language thing, but that's meh and for a non-native speaker, not really that bad at all. However, this is where two things should happen: first, the characters should be introduced, but without names this is a bit hard, and most of it was anecdotal, not descriptive, of the characters; second, the plot or conflict should be introduced, but this sounds more like a conclusion: They live happily ever after, The End. I want to see struggle, turmoil, angst.

Did this story contain enough detail about the characters looked like, for all you perverts out there, or would you have like more?
Hard to say. I think the woman was described very well throughout, physically, but I don't go in for long descriptions; and there was almost no description of the man, but as this was from her perspective, and she hardly saw him, that actually had a good effect in my opinion, despite breaking convention.

Were you able to clearly visualise what the characters were doing and what was happening?
Yup.

The story contains no personal nouns. Did the use of "he" and "she" distance you from the characters, or did you feel it enhanced their sexuality?
I would have prefered names; they make a great opportunity for description to me. But I can understand why they weren't used. This is a solid Author's Discretion to me.

Did the author succeed in creating a strong feeling of dominance and submission?
Yes...physically, although not emotionally.

One reviewer says it let him/her "felting flat". Why do you think this may have been?
It's not emotional. Looking throughout, there's almost no sense of the characters themselves caring about anything going on, so it's hard for me to. I know this exists in the author's mind, from the bits and pieces there, but that emotion is as important as the action (probably more, for seriously D/s).

Finally, Tom's received good scores for this piece so far, but he's still chasing that illusive ten out of ten. So, if you could give him just one piece of advice, to improve his writing, what would it be?
PLOT. There is no conflict, no clash, nothing to make a reader care how it turns out. No reason to keep reading until the end -- if it didn't mention there were 4 more sections, I would never know because there's nothing left to resolve.

EMOTION. This could well be the plot -- struggling to adapt, to accept, to survive, whatever. Why is she doing this? Why does she like the parts she doesn't like (a key part of bdsm to me)? How does he really feel about her (this can be delivered 3rd person through voice tone, manners, comments, etc)?

You've got a good piece of prose, but you need to add these to make it more than a listing of sexy stuff.

[H Dean]

Thanks for the detailed review MsUther. You're my new hero now and I'm hard at work making it better. It'll be some time now before I released the sequels because I'm seeing more and more weaknesses in them. Thank you again.

:pray:I am certain you saw my own review for your story. I hope it wasn't too muh of a disappointment. Chances are, judging from what I read here, you submitted it a bit prematurely. That is, you didn't seperate yourself from the story for a long enough period before your final edit. Be sure to give yourself time - write another story or chapter and then go back to editing the story. If I didn't do this I doubt my stories would receive marks any higher than a 6, 'cause they really bite until the last few edits.

[TomOfSweden]

Just though I'd update with the result of this thread. Slow in the comming. But it wasn't due to lack of work. Just plenty of rewriting.

happiness in slavery 2: the revenge (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/stories/story.php?storyid=4850)

Thank you all who participated to give me the help I needed, when I needed it.

And as H Dean aptly pointed out. It can still need plenty of help

[ElectricBadger]

Congrats Tom, I look forward to reading it! Moved the thread here, as the subforum is mostly archives at this point.

[Eponine]

What did you think of the story title and blurb? Did it tell you enough to pique your interest and want to read more?

The title was humdrum, but titles don't matter that much to me usually- they are not what attracts me to any story. The little blurb did not interest me. I read it because of this post.

The first few lines (paragraph) are vital to any story. Did this one "hook" you and make you want to keep reading?

Yes, the references to her past failed relationships and the fact this one was her dream relationship made me curious. Of course, and this is just me, lol, the word "Master" kind of gets me going too. lol

Did this story contain enough detail about the characters looked like, for all you perverts out there, or would you have like more?

I think it was fine. I agree with EB that the weight on describing the sub more than the Dom was appropriate for the story content. Since it is written from her persp, I understood that she loves him for how he treats her, who he is, not what he looks like- that that is not important to her.

About the other characters, actually I did get a kick out of the "Pig Man" nickname. To me, this showed how, although she is submissive and obedient to her master or any master he orders, she still is assertive enough (even if in her inner self) to call someone, a master, a name like that.

Were you able to clearly visualise what the characters were doing and what was happening?

Yes, pretty well. I think Tom clearly describes the scenes.

The story contains no personal nouns. Did the use of "he" and "she" distance you from the characters, or did you feel it enhanced their sexuality?

The omission of names is actually something I usually like. I do feel that it enhances the sexuality- i saw "her" as his slave; likewise i saw "him" as her master. For me, the lack of names strengthened their roles. I did not even think about it till i read this question.

Did the author succeed in creating a strong feeling of dominance and submission?

I believe so. I think someone here said physically but not emotionally. I disagree completely. By not generally informing her of their plans and what she would be required to do, by humiliating her, calling her names, having her eat from the dog bowl at his feet with his spit in it or someone else's cum, having her get f***ed before she got to eat her nasty breakfast, and many other things, I felt the nonphysical domination very intensely. Best of all was the day of their trip to France! Her submission was turned upside-down, confusing and distressing her to end; she had to make requests to be submissive according to her definition, not initially realizing that submission takes any form of obedience to the one she served, only to finally get to return to her routine way of living in the hotel.

One reviewer says it let him/her "felting flat". Why do you think this may have been?

At times, i felt flat also. As i said in my review, I think it is because of the rough changes of pace- sometimes it was fast and the character's minds and emotions seemed left by the wayside. other times, the introspection or simply the descriptions of her thoughts slowed things down- which is good, however, overall, it was sometimes difficult to move back and forth between these two forms.

Finally, Tom's received good scores for this piece so far, but he's still chasing that illusive ten out of ten. So, if you could give him just one piece of advice, to improve his writing, what would it be?

Tom, you've already mentioned the language issue- it is, to me, clearly not written by a native speaker. Now, that is not a bad thing, but I think some extra proofreading would be in order- and you can feel free to pm me or email me- I love editing and revising technical errors. (although H dean's mentioned i used too many hyphens in my story, which i'm working on, but other than that, i think do pretty ok.) Oh, also, that font was a little hard on my eyes.

Secondly, some evening out of the story's flow would improve the story. I also think some imagery would add to the writing.

But, overall, thanks for a great story, Tom! And I didn't mention it here or in the review, but it had some very HOT parts. I just try to stay away from including that in my assessment, so that i dont' judge based on personal preference of content.

May I ask, how close to home is this story for you? I know you mentioned the sub being based on your own personal ex's, but it wasn't clear how much.

[TomOfSweden]

I think it was fine. I agree with EB that the weight on describing the sub more than the Dom was appropriate for the story content. Since it is written from her persp, I understood that she loves him for how he treats her, who he is, not what he looks like- that that is not important to her.


That's funny because that wasn't my intention to show. I wanted her Master to look like any way the reader wanted to. Not that she didn't think it was important. I wanted the reader to fill in the gaps to make it their ideal couple. I don't see your interpretation as a failing on my part. It's just nice to see someone take my work of art and run with it to make it theirs. I like it.




Tom, you've already mentioned the language issue- it is, to me, clearly not written by a native speaker. Now, that is not a bad thing, but I think some extra proofreading would be in order- and you can feel free to pm me or email me- I love editing and revising technical errors. (although H dean's mentioned i used too many hyphens in my story, which i'm working on, but other than that, i think do pretty ok.) Oh, also, that font was a little hard on my eyes.



I'll take you up on the offer. I've got seven more stories in varying levels of completness. It'll take quite some time before I muster enough courage to release them, but I'll remember your offer.





May I ask, how close to home is this story for you? I know you mentioned the sub being based on your own personal ex's, but it wasn't clear how much.

I'm not a member of a slave-humiliating international organisation, but otherwise it's pretty accurate.

My ex's main fetish was to go to parties just like they had and be fucked and humiliated by as many big dicked men as possible. We did that a lot off-course.

Their home-life is based on another ex, and their sexual acts is based on all my lovers ever. It's my apartment they live in.

Having my slaves wear a piercing jewelry in their pussy as a symbol of the submission I've done with every slave I've ever had. It's a thing.

I've got a dominant and very good friend who has a real fear of pussy. I've always been fascinated by being straight, (which he claims he is) and not liking pussy. I added it to make the story a bit more interesting in spite of it not being my sex-life.

The trip to France is pretty accurate. I had a slave once who was very sensitive and craved structure and order. Breaking it in any way caused massive internal chaos for her, beside having a wide variety of phobias. Even though it was just a weekend it was quite a challenge to actually get to see much of Paris. Getting whiped calmed her down so her ass had many interesting shades in colour by the time we got home.

The woman who likes being beaten savegely is based on a friend who is like that, (but she's not a prostitute). She is also a massive powerlifter. Quite a comanding Norse viking woman in every respect.

I've studied nutrition so food interests me, especially diet food that works. Controlling what my slave eats in order for me to shape her body makes me horny. It's also a thing with me.

I can't make up anything from thin air. I suck at it. If I can't see it in front of me, hear it, smell it and taste it nothing ever comes out. There must be something tangible for me to work with.

I'm sure there's loads I've forgotten to mention.

Thanks for taking your time to review it. I value it very much. Thanks

[H Dean]

Tom, I just relocated this thread again, thanks to your recent post. I was glad my PM helped out and I thought that, if you wanted me to offer more, I can. I can do it here or in PM's. Just let me know. I am a bit slow at doing things; I have even stopped writing because of time constraints. Still, I am up for an occasional offering of help.

As you may have noticed, I am more apt to comment on stylistic construction than technical aspects, and that is where my help will be for the most part. Just let me know.

Dean.

[TomOfSweden]

Tom, I just relocated this thread again, thanks to your recent post. I was glad my PM helped out and I thought that, if you wanted me to offer more, I can. I can do it here or in PM's. Just let me know. I am a bit slow at doing things; I have even stopped writing because of time constraints. Still, I am up for an occasional offering of help.

As you may have noticed, I am more apt to comment on stylistic construction than technical aspects, and that is where my help will be for the most part. Just let me know.

Dean.

Oh yes, I will get in touch. You quickly earned my respect when it comes to your abilities. Thanks for the offer

[ancillaryanalog]

I finished up to part four and enjoyed the story immensely. I don't really have any constructive criticism to give, but the feedback that I do have is this:

I liked following her point of view, I liked how she reacted to change. I loved the fourth part with his perspective.

Wonderful.