Why Do We Submit??

[lily27]

Do to some recent personal events, I have been doing a bit of soul searching. I am a strong believer in triumph coming from hardship, and have been using the opportunity to learn more about myself.

My main meditation point has been my submission. All of the nuts and bolts...why, how, when, with whom...etc. There are several questions I have been trying to come up with answers to (if answers even exist for them), and would love to hear others' experiences.

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?

I understand these are all incredibly weighty questions, so please feel free to answer as many or as few as you wish. I am really just hoping to spark a conversation on the subject.

Although I put this in the "questions for a sub" section, I encourage the Doms to contribute as well.

Thanks everyone!

[Dragon's muse]

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?

i submit to the Dragon because no other dynamic feels right or natural between us. My reward is to know that i am loved and cherished beyond my wildest dreams

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?

i met the Dragon in college. We dated, purely vanilla. After we had gotten to know each other very well her introduced the M/s dynamic. He said He had seen the "slave behind my eyes" from the first moment we met. Some issues, but none that were not resolved by open and honest communication.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

i am always his property. my submission may be shown in different ways in "public". But i have no transition time, because there is not transition

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?

The only thing that i would change is if it could be more open to the rest of the world.

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?

Have always had a partner, so i can't really answer that.

[hugsnkisses]

Here are my ramblings... sorry if they are long-winded and not all that well thought out! Hope it helps Lily!
1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?
I haven't gotten to the point of total submission just yet with anyone. I have had those moments where I submit enough to sit back and wonder how I ended up having a particular conversation, performing a particular task, or even asking my fiance to help me try certain things.
As for as the drive/reward... A lot of it is wanting the rush from having a new experience... from expanding my horizons. I love the feeling of nervous anticipation... of being unsure but feeling safe.. Also, I have always wanted approval from people...always wanted the positive feedback from my parents, my teachers, etc...

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?Couple years ago my friend told me about another website with free sex stories... I found myself turned on reading some of them. Over time, I realized that it could sometimes take me hours to read through various stories until I found one that turned me on. It took me awhile (probably because I was partially in denial) to realize that all of the stories had a related theme... and one of them had a link to this site... started reading the stories here and became more and more intrigued with various things I was reading... joined the academy and got really turned on reading about some of the tasks.. got even more turned on trying some of them! Joined the chatroom a few months after that... spent months driving a certain someone crazy because i was forever wavering about how much i could play or chat out of concern for my fiance (he knows about all of this...i have his consent.. but not sure how thrilled he is).. i've relaxed a bit about playing and have learned more in the last month or two than i ever could have imagined (thanks to everyone helping me on my journey..where ever it is going!)... so my conscience b/c of my r/l relationship...that's a slight bump on this journey..or perhaps this journey is a slight bump in my relationship...not sure..but i'm certainly having fun with it!!

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"
Not really sure about this question.. I'm the boss at work... but I still like to please everyone..so that can be rather difficult...

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?Hmmmmm... I want my fiance to be an awesome Dom!! :) Or I just want to know he is 100% comfortable with me playing here...

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?
If I wasn't in a wonderful relationship, I would have to seriously think about what I wanted out of this site... what boundaries I would have. Because of my relationship, I will not exhange pics, phone numbers, etc... Only people I can meet in r/l are women (not sure about males who I don't play with..)... If I was single, I'd have to make all those decisions for myself.. knowing my curiousity, I'd be scared about what kind of trouble I might land in!

[lily27]

Thank you both for sharing. And hugsnkisses, your response was great!! Thank you!

I don't want to turn anyone away with my questions. I meant this to be a conversation starter, and not a survey...so if you have something to add that doesn't fit, or only want to comment in one or two areas, please feel free. No need to just stick to the questions.

[Tae'lyn]

Lily26,

Just noticed that we are both from around the same area. I actually just wanted to comment first on the one question you ask.


3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two?"


I am extremely different in my outside projection from my personal relationship preference. I am pretty outgoing in public, and that is similar to my submissive side in the fact that I enjoy being watched. I like being the center of attention, so what better place for me than to be taken care of and loved passionately by my dom.

If anyone were to guess about my sexual proclivities they would most likely think it was me holding the whip, but they would be very wrong. I enjoy the loss of the control, but only in a situation where I can completely trust to be taken care of physically and emotionally.

I have troubles sometimes reconciling my choice of lifestyle when I think of how far women have had to come in order to break free of some of the kitchen cooking, baby making philosophies of the past. I have to remind myself that I am empowered to make the choice I have, and that it doesn't set women back 100 years but actually has made me more in control by even having the ability to choose my level of submission, which I fully give.

So that is a little of my take on that question. Very thought provoking questions, I will have to consider the others a little before giving my 2 cents.

Tae'lyn

[Tojo]

An excellent thread lily, I've been planning on starting something similar- kind of 'what does submission mean to you?' was as far as I got.

Well I was in some way a submissive for most of my life, from when I was a kid right up til around my early 40s.

I gradually lost interest, & began to feel the need to be in charge. I'm still as I said last year, very much a 'babe in the dominant woods' & trying to get my head around things- to do it my way & not someone else's.

I don't really know why I wanted to be tied up & teased by an attractive young lady. I'm sitting here trying to put it into words....

It's empowering I think, to give yourself to someone you trust. To be helpless at someone's mercy after spending the day 'in charge' is relaxing to the point of being meditative.

From the point of view of being the 'D' in the D/s I like to think I can give my girl something to take away. Some sort of philosophy to take into everyday life.

Hmm, that's the best I can do for now- a good thread makes you think for sure! :confused:

Tojo

[lily27]

Tea'lyn, I am always thrilled to see another Canadian around here.

I understand exactly what you are saying, and often feel the same conflict. If I told any of my vanilla friends I am into D/s, I am sure they would all expect me to be a Domme.

Thank you for sharing with me.

Tojo, thank you for adding your input as well. I didn't know about your background as a sub, and find it fascinating.

I have had a number of people tell me they have to think on this one. I totally understand...I do too. I can't wait to hear what everyone comes up with.

[phantasy_seeker]

I've actually been wondering the very same things myself! It's been only 2 years since I've discovered the subbie side of myself, which I suppose makes me rather new to this. :) But this is what I've sort-of figured out so far:

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?
I've read a lot of blogs and posts where the subbies said that they submit because their Master's happiness is their happiness, etc etc. Sadly, I'm not exactly that selfless yet -- perhaps it makes me less of a subbie, but it's the truth. I submit because that is what I need. I realised pretty long ago that a relationship without at least some form of that could never work for me. There's just that satisfaction and pleasure, both mental and sexual, that comes from being utterly helpless, controlled, and dominated.

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?
Hmm. Not sure if the 'path' means the journey of discovery about my submission, or it if means the active submission to a partner. I'll start from the former: I'd been having submissive tendencies since before puberty, but I never realized what exactly they were til a friend told me about BDSM. I read up on stuff on many sites including these, and, well, that proverbial light bulb just clicked on *grins*. I met my dom in an entirely un-BDSM-related environment, and, well, it goes on from there. The greatest bump, for me, was getting past my conservative upbringing and realizing that this is what I need, and there's nothing wrong with that.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"
In a way it's different, yet in a way not, for me. I don't let people step all over me, although I suppose I am the introverted kind who waits for others to make the first move, and who would rather give in than prolong a fight with people whom I care for. With my dom, there isn't really an exact 'trigger'... it's kind of playing by ear, so to speak. Our roles are always there yet sometimes buried beneath the surface depending on the situation. I suppose all that's needed to bring it back up is a hint from either party.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?
Hell, yes. If vanilla women think it's hard for them to find a satisfactory relationship, I believe it's much harder for submissive women. Especially if, like me, you live in a very conservative and close-minded society. Somehow, it seems that the submissive is the one with the most liability in a relationship, the one who invests the most and who is the most vulnerable to getting hurt. Sometimes, I do wonder if life would be so much easier for me if I was born vanilla. But then comes the acceptance: this is who I am, and despite the difficulties and hurdles, life as a submissive gives me so much more than what life as a vanilla woman would.

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?
I would be a submissive regardless of whether or not I have a partner -- because that is just me, IMO. But much of the fulfilment, the satisfaction, etc, would be different without a partner. Having a dom changed many of my mindsets about dominance and submission as well -- I am sure that if I had not met mine, the answers above would be different. So is that a yes or no? I dunno, I think I'm beginning to confuse myself. *eek*

[~hellish one~]

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?
because the pleasure i get from knowing i've pleased him does, and always will, far outweigh the sick feeling i get deep in my stomach when i know i've disappointed him. then you wonder...ok, why should i care whether i've pleased or disappointed someone? it's just me, i guess. i'm not sure really how to explain it. i've always been a people pleaser, tried to make sure everyone around me stays happy, or always helping anyone that asks. all my life i have had a problem saying "no" to people in general. so i guess the personality traits i've had all my life are what makes me NEED to submit. i've tried to push it out of my life and live strictly vanilla. i managed for about 3 years before the need became too overwhelming. it just feels right.

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?
over 7 years ago. i had wandered into an adult chat site. one of the many rooms at this site was a Dungeon. my curiosity got the best of me, which can be a good thing sometimes!! i wandered in...met MANY wonderful people...some i still call friend to this day. i read everything i could find about BDSM online. i was enthralled by it all. the more i read, the more i thought..."wow, this is what i've been missing all this time!" as far as bumps in the road go...there have been many. fights, divorce, fake Doms, learning harsh lessons, denial...you name it.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"
i'm the same all the time. sometimes i think that is a bad thing. yes, i am a submissive, but that shouldn't mean that i have to submit to everyone i come in contact with. that is what has been hard for me. i've gradually been trying to stop being such a people pleaser...and start telling people "no" more often. i know that has to sound so weird to some of you. i just have to work on standing up for myself and what i want more often when it comes to my general everyday life. i don't think doing so would turn me into some weird control freak Domme though. ~laughs~ i will always be a submissive and that will never change.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?
can't think of a single thing. other than maybe i wish i'd discovered all of this sooner...like before i met my husband. that way maybe we could have explored it all together. as it stands now, he knows about all of this...and he knows i need it in my life...and he is trying!! the major hurdle we have is that for the 10 years we've known each other he was always like the anti-Dom...so it is so hard for me to accept him in his new role. i do love him dearly and am grateful he does try for me, but as of right now, BDSM in our life just consists of some regular play in the bedroom. it rarely makes it out of the bedroom.

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?
no. i tried to change myself and managed to push BDSM out of my life for 3 years because i was convinced my husband wouldn't understand or want to be a part of that side of me. i thought about it everyday until it nearly drove me crazy. i finally couldn't deny it any longer and we sat down and had many loooooong talks about it. i think a lot of things are still kind of shocking and taboo to him, but he is always willing to try. so again, no...husband or not, i would still be a submissive and i've learned the hard way that i can't bury that part of me...no matter what.

[annie]

Ok... i started to read all of the posts on the thread and then decided to not do that until i could answer the questions myself. So, i have been thinking about the questions, not sure i still have any further insight then i had when i first read the questions though, but here it goes anyhow...

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?

The reason i submit is because of two reasons i think.

A. my personality is one of being a "people" pleaser to a certain extent. So, the drive is to please people and the reward is the warm fuzzy's that i get from knowing i have pleased my Dom.

B. The second reason is because i know how i want my life to run, how my life should run, and how my life actually runs. i need the discipline that my submission provides for me. Without it my world feels out of control, i worry more, i am more compulsive obsessive about things, i get overwhelmed, depressed, etc. i need boundaries to live a safe, healthy life and those boundaries are not always items that i can set. Or i can manage to set them but not maintain them. Having a Master, who is dedicated to my best interest and has no preconceived ideas about whom i am to be, allows me to explore but also works for my best interest because of the structure that i need to function on a safe, content, happy level. (If any of that makes any sense... lol)

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?
i actually started on the path when i was in high school, i just didn't know it. After the birth of my twins, my neat and organized world, which I had always been able to maintain, started spiraling out of control. That is when i found someone who is naturally Dominate and after several months of conversations, and my following His "suggestions" i realized my true submissive side. i am certain no one would believe that i am submissive, because i have a very dominate personality, am normally the one in charge of things, etc. But, most of that comes not from the fact that i am dominate by nature but because of my compulsion for organization.

The largest "bump" has been my marriage and the fact that my husband is more submissive then i am. (One of the reasons he married me was because i was willing to take charge and make things work... lol). So, he can't Dom me as i need, because i need/want more then just a sexual relationship, since to feel secure and like the world is in order i need someone who is willing to take absolute control. i can't just leave though, we have three children and they are the first priority right now, and he is a great father and provider so it is a matter of trying to determine what is "fair" for everyone.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

my submissive side isn't that much different, people just normally don't see it because they don't take the time to look. They figure out i am organized, so i appear to be "grouped" to the world most of the time, so that leads to the assumption.

i don't think i switch back and forth between the two. i know who i have to be in "Domme" mode, so to speak, with such as organizations i volunteer with, kids, hubby, etc. and yet even while i am "in charge" i am listening too and being guided the entire time by what i was previously taught by my Dom. There are very few decisions that i make that i don't do a "Master check" on first. i am always in "sub mode" to His teaching, direction and guidance.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?
The only thing i dislike is also the one thing that makes my submission so strong. At times i get greatly annoyed by the fact that i can't seem to keep my life on track, for even the simple things, without help and direction. That just pisses me off, but in the same process if r/l interrupts and i don't have as much direction from my Dom as i would like i get annoyed and struggle... so it is a catch 22 at times for me. Not sure how i would actually change anything, this is how i am, this is how i function best, and this is when I am happiest and healthiest. If anything the change would be so that i would be allowed to deepen my submission even further then any current situation would allow.

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?
Of course it changes, i am not as centered or focused when i do not have a Dom. But, it has to be the "right" Dom or it wouldn't work anyhow. When i don't have a Master my stress level goes up, i end up depressed, over eating, and overwhelmed. When i have a partner that is able to bring me "into balance" then things seem more balanced, etc.

So... this is probably just ramblings and makes no sense but there it is!

[Smoke's-Slut]

I will try to answer the best I can and hope I make sense. These are very good questions.


1. Why do you submit? It is my core personality. I have been submissive as long as I can remember. I have always received pleasure knowing I have pleased someone else. Teachers, parents, significant others, bosses and friends are some examples. I submit to Sir because I love being for his pleasure and find I receive much more pleasure in doing so.
What is the drive? I feel significant; I have a purpose, useful and needed. With Sir, the drive is knowing if I am pleasing him, I am receiving pleasure as well. I find having my orgasms controlled, having my limits pushed, exploring new things and knowing anything sexually is for his pleasure makes my orgasms more intense, gives me more pleasure and satisfaction.
What is the reward? I am a better person, I take better care of myself, I am happier, my orgasms are more intense, I feel more trust and caring than I ever have being Sir’s submissive and I am enjoy my sexuality more than ever.

2. How did you ever start down this path? I think it was my first husband who really introduced me to this path. He however was more of a sadist than anything and had things been different I may have been in the life years ago. I knew I enjoyed many things just had some bad experiences and never found anyone willing to try anything dealing with BDSM other than an occasional spanking or being handcuffed. I met Sir online and we were friends he knew through things I had posted I was submissive and things just went from there. I feel I have missed a lot by not being in the life sooner but I am happy I am now.
Any bumps along the way? I had bad experiences with my first husband and exposure to bdsm and it made me not explore things enjoy until now. I also ran into a couple of men online who were not what they claimed and made me apprehensive about exploring the life until I met Sir online.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? I keep my two lives separate from each other. I am not in a real life so to speak relationship it is all online. I am a little more out spoken in my everyday life but still submissive.
How do you switch back and forth? This is not a problem since they are two separate lives. Me being submissive and in training is all online and it makes it easier for me to switch from one to the other.
What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?" The minute I see him sign on or I am working on an assignment I am in sub mode. I always want to please him and hate when I have not.

4. Anything you dislike about it? I dislike the conflict I have sometimes with what I have been raised to believe my life should be like and what it really is. I have worked through this a lot and it has become easier. I also dislike not being able to be open about my life and not being able to share what is making me happy and making me care about myself.
Anything you would rather change? I would love to be in more than an online relationship with Sir.

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner? I have always been submissive, I have always put others before myself so having a partner just makes it easier to experience my submissiveness.

[Flaming_Redhead]

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?

I submit because it makes me happy. I have always been submissive, though you wouldn't notice it immediately as I'm outgoing and opinionated. I need approval. I need to please my man. At the same time, I don't feel the need to please everyone.

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?

I'm not sure when I first became intrigued. It must've been in my late teens or early 20s, but I've had to push it to the back of my mind since my husband is definitely not the dominant type. I was always the one in control throughout the marriage, and I was never comfortable with it. Since I've left him, I've been drawn more and more strongly to it. The bumps along the way have more to do with trust. I have a very hard time with the amount of trust you must place in someone.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

I am a walking contradiction! I like to be in control, but I have a strong desire to let go of that control. I don't want or need to be micromanaged, so it's easy to switch back and forth.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?

I dislike the stereotypes associated with it. Due to women's lib, it's very unpopular for a woman to be submissive. I dislike people thinking there's something wrong with you if you enjoy anything other than the missionary position. I wish I could change people's attitude about it. Not everyone is into an extreme fetish. Not everyone walks around scaring the natives.

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?

I am getting divorced from an extremely vanilla man, and I have decided that I will probably be unwilling to develop a serious relationship with a totally vanilla man again. He was unwilling to provide what I need, so why would I want to end up in the same situation? I've played with a couple of guys who are not really lifestylers, so the majority of my experience is online for now.

[TomOfSweden]

This is by far the most interesting thread I've seen here so far.

[Timberwolf]

Well lily we discussed this quite a bit the other night one on one but I'll chip in the short version publicly as well for the sake of adding to a very fine conversation. Of course pretty much all my answers come with an asterisk since as a switch I walk both sides of the line.

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?
I submit because, for me, it honestly feels more comfortable than a "vanilla" situation, and it's honestly much easier, or perhaps a better way to put it is for me it feels more "natural" to me. I struggled a great deal to make connections with people before I got into the Lifestyle, but since coming into it my ability to interact with people within this community has improved so much. In short, it feels like it's where I belong.

The drive is more or less a feeling one gets inside them, I generally refer to it as "the hunger" because in many ways it feels like a form of addiction to me. D/s is one hell of a drug. Please use responsiblyl :)

The rewards are hard to condense into a paragraph. Yes, pleasing my partner is definitely hugely important to me. I take a great pride in knowing that I've pleased my partner as they desire to be pleased. But also the amount of mental growth I've gone through both alone and witha partner in D/s has been quite substantial. To me the process is as much about building a bond of trust and respect, and growing as a person, as it is about anything else.

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?

Unlike some people, I never felt like a sub when I was young, and I certainly didn't have kinky fantasies as a kid or even as a teenager. I didn't get into this until into my 20's, and I started as one of those people with about a billion miss conceptions about the Lifestyle. I came to it through my interest, at first, in more experienced women, a degree of even looking for "mommy" at one point. Which eventually spawned into my first D/s relationship with a Domme. In hindsight I was probably looking for a Domme all along, but I didn't know enough at the time to give those ideas a form or a voice.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

I have a very hard time drawing a boundary between the D/s me and the vanilla me. I guess the shortest answer is the vanilla day to day me is certainly more of the act, where as the D/s me is more the real person. FOr me it's not so much getting into either sub or Dom mode, as it is turning it off to get into vanilla mode.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?

Wouldn't change a damn thing about myself in terms of my role in D/s. For me, a huge part of this journey has been learning to accept *all* of me. The good parts, as well as the parts that need work. I think that's part of the journety I'm on personally, learning that accepting all of who you are is vitally important.

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?

People are always changing, partner or not. Staying static is an illusion. But big philosophical statements aside, the majority of my advancement has come through either my partner or serious conversation with trusted friends. Certainly those are the times when the most gets done, though I think periods of solitary self-reflection are still very important.

I, and several of the others, could probably write a thesis when it comes to answering your five questions, and they are really only the beginning as I know there is more to come. Here's hoping this thread carries onwards.

[lily27]

Wow, there is some really amazing stuff here. Thank you, everyone, for sharing your experiences.

I am the type of person that always wants to know "why?" About everything. Often to others' great irritation and annoyance. The most all-consuming "why" that I have ever asked myself is "why am I driven to submit?"

At first the answer seems easy. Because I NEED to. But of course, the easy answer is rarely the complete one. I have to drill down farther. Here is the best I have come up with, so far:

Submission quiets my soul.

When I am in complete "sub mode" there is but one thought, one focus. To please Him. All of the other worries, and concerns, and quandries float away. The millions of other day-to-day events and details immediately become inconsequential. I live for only one thing. Two little words.

"Good girl."

That is the release, the drive, and the reward, all wrapped together. Safety and security is found in the knowledge that He looks after me, never lets me fall, and assists me in becoming a better person. When I feel pulled in all directions due to outside distractions, He reins me back in, and causes me to once again re-focus on the goal. Pleasing Him.

Unlike some of you above, I wouldn't necessarily call myself a "people pleaser." Don't get me wrong - I would walk through fire for my family and close friends, but I have never had a problem standing up for myself in everyday situations. I am not yet sure if that is a help, or a hindrance, to my submission.

What I was most surprised about discovering is that any sexual gratification, release, and pleasure is entirely secondary to the above. Of course, it is still GREAT, but it is secondary.


TomOfSweden, thank you for poking your head in and giving us your encouragement. I hope that other Dom/mes will do the same.

Oh, and by the way...the "He" above is entirely generic.

That is what I have come up with so far. I will update you all as I acquire additional revelations.

[lily27]

^^^^ That was my 100th post. Seems fitting.

-lily

[Sophiabelle]

Though I intend to answer further, this question struck me best.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

I am in my "everyday" activies outspoken, bold, loud and harshly cynical. When someone gets to know me better, they can uncover a little of my softer side. I am mostly passionate and compassionate. And I am by far not always pleasant. As a submissive, I often can be kind of a brat until, as you put it, I am triggered. I am not trying to tease anyone into dominance, or punishment. I am just being who I rather normally am. With my significant other, it is almost always a look that will flip my switch. Or sometimes a small act of pain.
Otherwise, I sort of just fall into it. It does not have to be anything sexual/romantic/relationship related. If I am around a person who I either feel dominated (not neccesarily as in our definition of the word) by or inferior to, I will often fall in step /behind them/... wait for them to speak and generally be quiet as a mouse and very obedient. I think this is my latent submissive showing through.

[SheepishJaina]

I have tried several times since this was first posted to answer this. The emotions and knowledge within just weren’t willing to come out of my heart. I submit because it is a part of who I am. A friend of mine recently described how he felt about love, saying, “my heart almost felt like it was bursting with longing.” That’s how I feel about my submission. The longing and need within grows so strong that if I don’t it feels as though my heart is breaking, only I can’t figure out why. That is my drive. I keep yearning and continuing forward to fulfill that longing. It’s also the reward. To feel completely fulfilled, not only as a submissive but as me. I have known for so many years that something was missing. A child of 11 cannot grasp what submission is. She’s still learning who she is. At 24 she’s still learning. I first suspected submissiveness after seeing something on tv. It gave how I was feeling a name. From there it was only a matter of time before I got the internet and was able to realize that I was not alone in my feelings.

Being submissive is only part of who I am, but still a very big part. It’s always there lingering beneath the surface. I confess that I do not feel comfortable in many leadership roles for fear of stepping out of place. Yet in life I am in several. I am learning and growing from those roles, I make my mistakes and then realize that just because I am in a leadership role, it does not mean that I have to ignore my other side. There is always someone with a higher position in life that while being a leader, I know I am serving them by doing my job in the position. (and lord I pray that that makes some bit of sense) For me, the trigger is knowing and believing that I can be submissive while being a leader.

I wish the world was more open. Someday I pray it will be. Looking back at all of the periods in the past 100 years, even 50 we have gone through, is amazing. Tolerance among the masses of “other religions, skin color, sex, homosexuality, etc” has increased so much. If we raise our children to be open to others, then we will set their lives up for a more open and caring future.

No matter if I am in a relationship, as a submissive or as me, I am always still going to be a submissive. It doesn’t change or affect who I am. What is affected is how I feel. Neither of the relationships I am in currently are 100% fulfilling. That just goes to show me that I have not truly found my soul mate yet, or that either those men I am in a relationship with, are not at the point in their own journeys to be the soul mate that I need and require.

For now I learn, and grow. As I know more about myself and learn to express and open up, I'll find the place that satisfies the submission and the other longings within my heart.

[lily27]

sheepish, to quote what someone else said to me tonight, "that was really f*cking stirring." Thank you so much!

*huggles*

-lily

[collapseduniverse{T}]

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?
I submit because it is in my nature to do so. I enjoy helping and serving others, and making them feel better. To me, a smile on a lovers face is far more important than one on my own, though I do enjoy the parts where I smile. It also benifits me Sexually as i can not feel a vast amount of pleasure if I don't feel I've "earned it"
2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?
I've always been on this path, as long as i can remember. I used to tie myself up as a kid, and would kiss peoples feet if they asked. I'm the kindof person who would always do anything for someone, if they asked nicely
3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"
I'm definately submissive 99% of the time. If i'm ever feeling not into ot, it takes very little to put me in my place...
4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?
I wish i could be more public about it, and wish my chosen partner was closer to me, physically, than he is. i also wish that i could stand my own ground better, as i tend to back away from any sort of argument with a dismissive shrug.
5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?
Not really, though i am more affectionate and sweet when i do.

[Tojo]

Amazing post your sheepishness, simply amazing.

An excellent thread- it's real nice to hear how you guys feel.

Tojo

[~hellish one~]

loving all these replies!!

[Timberwolf]

Okay, there is one thing about online D/s that I don't like. The waiting period. That time when you're online, waiting around for your Domme/Dom to come on, and you're hoping nothing in their day to day life has puled them away from somewhere you *know* they'd like to be. And not every night works out as you'd hope.

The truth of the matter is, in terms of online D/s, we are essentially extremely intimate pen pals and as such sometimes real life dictates there are other things to do. It's nobody's fault that it works that way. It just does sometimes.

So I guess that's the one thing I don't entirely enjoy. The waiting.

[SheepishJaina]

ohh I agree SO much Twolf. Tis the WORST feeling when they have told you that they will be on, and then don't show. My mind of course goes to all of the worst possible things and in the end its never that. *sigh*

[Timberwolf]

Last night, it was a couple of nosey guests in my Goddess' home that sort of forced the evening off track. Little things can throw off online plans quick!

[collapseduniverse{T}]

glances at my latest poem. tell me about it... real life sucks. and being paranoid doesn't help

[Dragon's muse]

glances at my latest poem. tell me about it... real life sucks. and being paranoid doesn't help

When they really are out to get you, paranoia is just good sense.

Even paranoids have enemies!!

[caligirl{Rob}]

What a wonderful post lily! It is something I have given a great deal of thought and caused me to do some of my meditation on my own submissiveness. Strangely the more I have allowed myself to submit in r/l and online the stronger and more secure I have felt. I have found it completely empowering to "give" myself, the level of trust and commitment required of both parties fills me with a sense of security that I had never felt before embracing this side of my personality. It completely changed a part of my life that I felt was empty and unimportant to a part that I find tremendous fulfillment and energy from.
In many parts of my life I continue to be the dominant force, the caretaker the one making most of the decisions, I personally find that the more I explore and open up to the submissiveness in a sexual context, the stronger I feel to handle the rest of r/l responsibilities. I find that it is with a special person that I am able to move forward and discover new aspects of my sexual and overall submissiveness...that it is never anything that makes me feel weak or insignificant, but rather the opposite.
So submissiveness is where I feel most alive, when it is with a trusted and respected partner I feel more pleasure and contentment giving myself over than I had ever thought possible or ever experienced in "vanilla" life. So as much of "vanilla" life and responsibilities requires my attention, I feel blessed to have online found a place to feed what I now know is important and nurturing part of my soul. I could ramble on for pages *giggles* ...keep up the wonderful work sweet lily...you are an awesome one!
hugs and licks!
cali

[Timberwolf]

"Strangely the more I have allowed myself to submit in r/l and online the stronger and more secure I have felt. I have found it completely empowering to "give" myself, the level of trust and commitment required of both parties fills me with a sense of security that I had never felt before embracing this side of my personality. It completely changed a part of my life that I felt was empty and unimportant to a part that I find tremendous fulfillment and energy from. "

I couldn't agree more, this is exactly how I feel about my own journey. Submission empowered, and in many ways liberated me.

[lily27]

I have always considered myself to be a strong woman. Fiercely independent. Never had to rely on anyone.

I moved out on my own while still in high school, working full time at night to support myself while attending class during the day.

I moved half way accross the country on my own to go to university, and then almost the entire way in the other direction for my job...again by myself. I had never even been to the city I am living in now until I got off the plane, bags in hand. I started work the next day.

I have met some great people where I live, and am involved in several activities that I love. But all of my close friends and family continue to live in other time zones.

Today at lunch with some co-workers we were discussing the lack of initiative being displayed by one of the girls in our office. "She is just so young.." one of them said. I pointed out that the girl is the same age as me. "Yeah, but you are old," she replied.

Over the last several months as I have begun to fully explore my submission for the first time I learned to rely on someone else. It took some time to for that trust to solidify but it eventually did. Even though I always considered myself entirely self-sufficient, the fact that I was being tasked with things such as "go get the oil changed in your car," was evidence to the contrary. I needed someone to look out for me too.

Now that I find myself back on my own again, I find myself turning towards that fiercely independent girl, but she isn't there anymore. At least no longer in her previous form. And that is what I continue to struggle with.

I have often heard people saying that D/s is like a drug. And now, I believe them.

Out of everything that has happened, this is the hardest part. It is like I changed without even realizing it, and need to be re-introduced to myself. I am no longer able to handle things the way I once did.

I know that this is just a period of transition, and I will soon have my feet back underneath me once again. But for now...boy, is it hard.


-lily

[Tae'lyn]

Lily,

Sometimes when you post it seems as though it is me writing the words.

I can understand also being in southern Alberta probably hasn't helped things all that much. :) And given we both have that in common too, I can see where you are coming from.

Tae'lyn

[lily27]

Tae'lyn,

That is very sweet, thank you. It is always helpful to learn that we are not the only ones having these feelings.

And don't get me started on Southern Alberta....I have a love/hate relationship with this area.

-lily

[Dhys shadow]

why do I submit?.....wow.why not ask a eazy question , like why is the sky blue............grins
I submit because of the lack of control...to willingly turn my self over to another person.....mind you.I don't do this with everyone.....just a select few....my Mistress being one of them.....I must feel a trust in them...and then I will do as they wish...

Dhys shadow

[Flaming_Redhead]

Could it be that you are, in fact, my goody-two-shoes twin? *giggles* When you choose to lean on someone and come to rely on him, it becomes very difficult to stand on your own, yet not impossible. Down here, you'd be considered a steel magnolia. *smiles*

[lily27]

red, you are definitely the first person around here to refer to me as "goody two shoes." LOL

Maybe only compared to you!!

*hugs*

[Havensov]

How utterly fascinating. So many different reasons for the same outcome. But i also see allot of simularities... Again, fascinating.

[lily27]

In recent discussions with a new and oh-so-intriguing person in my life, I had the following epiphany, and thought I would take the time to share.

We were digging deep on my need for control. To be controlled and guided, that is. That which is completely devoid of the "kinky good time" and just the day-to-day life that draws us into a D/s relationship.

What I discovered is that I am seeking what I was missing when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me very much and did their best for me, but more often than not they were too involved in their personal lives to really focus on me. I always had everything I needed - but was more or less left to my own devices.

I was a pretty good kid, and was quite independent from an early age. I could easily coast by in school without much effort. I never did anything that caused my parents to distrust me. As such the words "do your homework," "be home by midnight," "practice your music" or "eat your vegetables" were never uttered in my direction.

I got average grades, held down a part time job, and never hung out with the "bad crowd." So I was allowed to come and go as I pleased, and was rarely (if ever) followed up on. I was left to just do my own thing.

Because of this, I have often looked back and wondered what I could have done if someone was there to push me a little. What potential could have been reached if only I had something more to rely on than the typical teenager's sense of what is important.

So that is now (at least a part of) the reason why I seek a D/s relationship. I ache for the safety and security I never had, knowing that someone is always there to look out for me, love me, and push me when I need to be pushed. Someone who includes assisting me in my growth and exploration among their primary foci. And hopefully together, I can acheive what I always believed myself to be capable of, but unable to do on my own.

This isn't meant to be a sob story about my childhood - I have faced my share of challenges, but it wasn't "bad" by any stretch of the imagination. This was just quite a breakthrough and I thought I would share to see if anyone else has had a similiar experience.

Thoughts??

-lily

[nowgirl]

Lily - you had written this a few months ago:


Submission quiets my soul.

and for me - this is quite true. Although I've had submissive desires for a long time - those were more the Story of O fantasies. Now, being more involved in a D/s relationship, I realize the submissive side of me is sort of the yang to my yin... the quiet inner balance to my chaotic, always on the go outer life. I think this relates to what you say about the "day to day" D/s. It's not always about the kink. For me, it's about letting my submissive self make me a more thoughtful, caring, peaceful girl.


When I am in complete "sub mode" there is but one thought, one focus. To please Him. All of the other worries, and concerns, and quandries float away. The millions of other day-to-day events and details immediately become inconsequential. I live for only one thing. Two little words.

"Good girl."

That is the release, the drive, and the reward, all wrapped together. Safety and security is found in the knowledge that He looks after me, never lets me fall, and assists me in becoming a better person. When I feel pulled in all directions due to outside distractions, He reins me back in, and causes me to once again re-focus on the goal. Pleasing Him.

It sounds like we had a similar upbringing. I've been lucky to have both parents who loved me and - as you said Lily - had everything I've needed. I've had a fairly positive, uneventful but enjoyable time leading up to now.

For me, I don't think it was a lack of discipline in my childhood that has put me on this path to seek discipline and submission now. Instead, I feel such a strong pull toward acheiving that quiet balance. To achieving - maybe grace? - through pleasing... through submitting...

I found the following at another site... I wish I could attribute it to the right author... It has helped me put my submission in to some perspective.

There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare, and the power to stand naked.

Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake the submissive's need for relatedness for inability to be alone.

In re-reading this, I'm not sure I added anything to your question! It sounds like you are doing a lot of soul searching in this new year... I hope this new person in your life helps you find what you are seeking.

[lily27]

Wow, nowgirl, that is excellent. I love that quote, and have already re-read it several times.

I agree with what you had to say about grace. One of my goals is definitely to become graceful in my submission.

Thoughts and opinions are always welcome. This isn't so much about questions and answers, as it is about learning and growing.

-lily

[I1985]

Lily27, nowgirl, and all the others thank you both for sharing.

I really try to learn whatever I can, including the reasons why. And although very personal offcourse, it sheds some light on the reasons to submit. Most of them I read before, when they were just posted. Today I read them again. And understand much more of it, then I already did then. What strikes me the most is, although everybody is different, a lot of the same reasons come up. Or at least similarities.

I find the human mind fasinating. About the most complex thing in existance. And in the case of a sub possibly even more complex then regularly.

For as long as I can remember I always try to find things out. To suck in all information I can, about just about everything. But offcourse in special the things I'm interested in.

That same urge brought me here to the forums, a half year ago. I've read a lot since then. And the threads like these that I value the most. Things I could not really discover on my own, simply because I don't have it. But you all do, and share it with the rest of us. To learn for yourself, as well as to share your (new found) knowledge with the unknowing.

This, or a similiar response could find it's place in many threads. But I choose this one carefully. As I learnt something from it what has facinated me for quite some time....

...I thank you all

[jaylia]

(i'm new here so forgive me if i'm steeping on any toes)


What I discovered is that I am seeking what I was missing when I was growing up. Don't get me wrong - my parents loved me very much and did their best for me, but more often than not they were too involved in their personal lives to really focus on me. I always had everything I needed - but was more or less left to my own devices.

I was a pretty good kid, and was quite independent from an early age. I could easily coast by in school without much effort. I never did anything that caused my parents to distrust me. As such the words "do your homework," "be home by midnight," "practice your music" or "eat your vegetables" were never uttered in my direction.


Because of this, I have often looked back and wondered what I could have done if someone was there to push me a little. What potential could have been reached if only I had something more to rely on than the typical teenager's sense of what is important.


Wow, icould have written much of your post myself, except that i had a rather strict early childhood but after their divorce that changed. My Dad had been to the one to set and really enforce the rules, but we lived with Mom after the divorce and i think she was scared i would choose to go live my Dad if she tried to get tough. As far as my Dad went, well who wants to be the bad guy when you only see your kids a few weeks a year.

Anyways your post has given me much food for thought. I also realize that my own submission is part of who i was at birth, although it's also very much wrapped up in my ability to trust. i have trust issues so reaching that level of trust with me isn't easy. Before the divorce i was very much Daddy's little girl and he was the last person in the world i wanted to displease. so in looking back i realize some of it is a part of who i always was. Maybe events in my life have caused the exxageration of that personality trait, but the trait has always been there.

As for the why, but because it feels right and good. Because i feel more at peace living this way. Because knowing that there are rules and boundaries makes me feel secure. Because hearing that "good girl" fills a need within me. Becuase His happiness is my happiness.

i hope this makes sense as these are thoughts that i am still trying to sort my self.

jaylia

p.s. nowgirl, that is an awesome quote.

[Nomological]

A very interesting read from everyone. It is interesting from a Dominants perspective what is common amongst many, seems to differ ever so slightly.

I have studied psychology for a number of years, both in University and on my own, and find the psychology behind BDSM to be completely fascinating. In fact, much of my draw to the lifestyle was that it was a simple extension of whom I was as a person in my professional life, and my personal but non-sexual life.

While I appreciate and enjoy the sexual aspects of BDSM, the non-sexual holds a very different dynamic in that it is mostly psychological stimulation that attracts me to submissives.

Sorry if my post seems like hijacking your thread lily, I did not intend to do that in sharing my thoughts.

SKOTC.

[lily27]

OK, newest epiphany.....

I have always been viewed as a control freak. I hate chaos.... detest uncertainty. I take risks, but they are well calculated, and I much prefer to know the outcome before I get started. I research everything.

In my academic and professional lives, I have often been the leader, the one taking charge. But upon further thought I have realized that the source of motivation for this is not my desire to be in control, it's that I hate the chaos and confussion so much that I will step up if I have to.

I much prefer the control to exist from an influence that is not myself. I can lead... but if given the choice I prefer to follow. However.... I will only follow someone I consider to be "worthy" of my loyalty. If I think I can do a job better, I will. If things start to go sideways, I will take over.

I need control. But I don't need to be IN control.... I just need it to exist, and preferably be strong enough that my instinct to take over doesn't kick in.

So this is one of the reasons why I submit. And it is one of the reasons I can only submit to confident, dominant men.

And this has been another episode of Deep Thoughts by lily. Hope you enjoyed.

[Timberwolf]

^^^^^

Of all your deep thoughts we've had the chance to talk about, I thought this was one of the better ones.

"I need control. But I don't need to be IN control.... I just need it to exist"

This is, plain and simple, a very big thought. It sums it up so well.

[Zanado]

Thanks Lily for posting this to begin with and I'd like to thank everyone else that contributed here. Self exploration is a long and ever changing journey, but one that I enjoy. It's the "why's" and the little differences that make us all "tick" that intrigue me, and the similarities that comfort me.

1. Why do you submit? What is the drive? What is the reward?

I am submissive, something I have came to terms with, and it’s as much a part of me as my eye color. Why? I honestly have been digging for this answer for as long as I could put a name to it. I have many theories, but have not settled on any as of yet. I do know that it is a deep rooted desire and need to have that connection that leads to my submission and have it accepted.

I find many rewards in my submission. I gain peace, inner knowledge, greater intimacy, confidence, guidance, strength, escape, pleasure, and nothing more important then the ability to please the one that has given me all these.

That being said it does not mean that submit to just anyone. I have found for me it is almost an inspired reaction of my subconscious to a deep connection with another. In fact I have only felt the desire to submit to four men in my life, two of which had no idea what to do with the reins once handed them. The first man whom I truly submitted to leads me to the next question.

2. How did you ever start down this path? Any bumps along the way?

I ran face first into it. Back in my younger and much wilder days, I was a naive 19 year old. I was introduced to a friend of a girl I had known most of life. I became immediately attracted to him and everything about him. Almost embarrassed to admit now, but I did everything in my power to seduce him. He warned me that I didn't know what I was getting myself into but after scolding me for how crass I was being, he gave in. I think back on it and that first night still seems so intense. I would think he was almost trying to scare me off if the next morning he had not said "next time your in need of a good spanking just asks." That was the beginning of a very gratifying two and half year D/s relationship in which he lead me to discover my submission, and put a name to a trait I already possessed.

3. If your submissive side of your personality is different than your "everyday" self, how do you reconcile the two? How do you switch back and forth? What is your trigger for getting into "sub mode?"

I related very closely to what lily had to say on this subject.
In my vanilla life I present both traits. I tend to be a bit bossy at times but only when I see that things are not being done correctly (according to my younger sister for one), I am a strong opinionated woman, and in groups I usually end up in some form of leadership role. Though now that I look at that, I do not strive for those positions, but more end up there when others do not step up. I am also a giver, peace keeper, and like to please, but not to the extent of doormat. I'm a listener and quite often find myself being asked advice. I think that is because I have pretty good ability to look at all sides of situations.

Sub mode is always in effect in relation to my Dom, but I do feel different levels of it between daily conversation and play for instance.

4. Anything you dislike about it? Anything you would rather change?

I have tried to bury it, tried to ignore it, to smother that part of me, dismiss it as something I would surely grow out of... all to no avail. Finally, I think I have accepted it. Though I do admit I still question my sanity. What I would change leads to the next question...

5. Does any of the above change based on whether or not you have a current partner?

I'm married, and like so many I've read about here I'm in a very vanilla relationship for the most part. My husband is aware of my kinks and my past to a point. He has even from time to time indulged me with a watered down version of kinky sex. I have tried to explain to him and even linked him to information in the past about D/s. He does not comprehend it, and has no desire to go any further than we previously have. Not too long ago I forced myself to accept that I could not change him and should not want to. He isn't "wired" as a dominate, even if he presents certain dominate traits. So I find solace in places such as here, knowing that at least I'm not alone.

[Jensen036]

Here are my answers to your questions. I hope that this helps.

1. I submit because I derive pleasure from pleasing others. I am better at following orders than giving them. Also the reward at the end is usually worth it. The praise, love, and care that is given to the submissive is worth it to me.

2. I was introduced to bdsm by my boyfriend. He was always the more dominant one and apparently had been into bdsm for years. One night at a restaurant he showed me an example of this hobby of his and I have enjoyed it ever since. There were some bumps along the way. At times he confused abuse with bdsm.

3. My bdsm lifestyle and regular lifestyle clash from time to time. My sub trigger is usually the way my master caresses me and then calls to me in a certain voice. It arouses and excites me and makes me wish to be his sub.

4. Sometimes I think I should find better masters. The ones I find tend to enjoy inflicting pain a little to much. I am a submissive, not a punching bag.

5. I left one master because he was much too violent.