My first venture

[Echoes]

my first real journey into BDSM. i met this gentleman and we talked quite a bit, then he had me do some tasks for him as we talked longer before we discussed meeting. He was respectful and courteous, as i was to him. He explained he had a submissive he played with and sometime would like me to meet her…then a couple months later just before we met changed this to a slave he owned. (i noticed this, thinking it was a transition that could have happened during the time we were talking and did question him about the wording but received no response on this so i placed it in the back of my mind to continue with eyes wide open)

Many times my questions were not answered…i was beginning to think i was not allowed to voice or ask, even though it was to learn only.

His slave and i met online and talked, first always monitored by him as they were not living together yet. She was a wonderful, beautiful person and slave…always his slave first.
These were all beautiful experiences to me, so new and open, i felt so embraced by these two and they both seemed perfect for each other…the love they shared…her worshipping him kind of spooked me at first but i grew to accept this and understand this a bit.

i had met him twice, once in a restaurant to talk and once alone and well…just omg the wonders and beauty, joys, thrills, gasps and energy was breathless.

Later we all met for the first time…the first day scared the crap out of me…his slave and i had built this rapport over the net, and we had with his permission met a few times in person to go shopping, have lunch, watch a movie and get to know each other better. This day we met in person with him, his slave and i were glowing at seeing each other, i saw her glowing for love of him and i was excited to see them both and yes nervous. His slave and i were sitting on the bed and he in the chair watching us talk as we had been given permission…or i was not shown otherwise and she was given permission or freedom to do so (i so hope)

He ordered us to lay down and get to know each other personally (keeping particulars out) and we were still smiling at each other and laughing softly, sighs in there…the next thing i knew there was a sudden weight on top of me and her upper body writhing, her face contorted in pain, her hands and nails sinking into my skin and she was crying…i looked at him on top of me and there was so much darkness in his eyes, so cold…and i believe he was making a statement, she was his and i had trespassed or close to this. omg he is huge and thick, he drove his member…dry…without warning straight into her ass. Then he pulled out and ordered her upstairs to clean him.

Nothing was said…although i did ask why. Another moment stored in my memory, thinking perhaps this too was normal between them, but after this i pulled away from her, tentative of showing feelings for her. I knew with him i could not give him my heart because there was no future in this relationship for me, i was already told this by his slave.
Another month down the road he collared me as his submissive and gave me a chain to wear…two months later releasing me because he had too much in his life and could not be responsible for me. He had his house up for sale and they were moving to the city i lived in. i continued being their friends and yes a playmate…but again being naive i did not really understand this. i went to their house and helped them pack, move, paint the new house, unpack ect. We were friends, why not. Come the summer a huge fight erupted between them and they split up, she left him accusing him of abuse. The night it happened i was not home, and when i got home there were so many messages on my machine, more from her and a couple from him…the phone rang while i was trying to sort out what i was being told and what was wanted from me and i answered to her accusing me of running to him to be with him…this blew me away completely. She threw in a few more accusations as well and many towards him of the things he had done to her.
It was a very emotional month to say the least. They both worked things out and got back together but the hurt left from her accusations and mistrust…i had to get over this and couldn’t so told them both i had to leave, that i loved them both but i could not partake anymore, thanking them for the joy they shared and all they taught.

This went unheard as if it was never said…and i found it hard not to submit to him in person. The next couple months were strained…his slave and i not really working through our differences and i am not sure why, i was not sure what was going on anymore. Then one night i receive another phone call, his slave crying, he is abusing her, she is leaving him….and more accusations hurled…omg.

This Master had not abused me before, every lash, every cane, every touch, every order was only beauty to me, joy, each moment shared with them both and alone was wonder. Yes he was only introducing me to certain aspects of this lifestyle to see my reaction and to test me and latter using me as sex toy…which was beginning to hurt me because it was not what we both agreed upon my first entering with them both but to my understanding because of these outbreaks and breaches in trust.

He did not abuse me until the last day, when he came to visit and i told him again in person i would not continue. it was too painful, conflicting and emotional. i was determined to hold strong to my words this day and if he decided to try and dominate me i would fight him…i should not have met him, i should have sent him an email saying not to visit again and telling via email.

It was a very painful visit…he brought me to pain so fast, so harsh i disassociated, not able to say my safe word…and he knew of this. Also to the point i lost all control of bodily function, something i have never done before and he showed no respect for my home that day, or me.

Maybe some of my attitude is off…i don’t know a lot of things but i have learnt much from this experience.

i have not been in any relationship since holding back from giving trust and control and not sure i can ever really do this again to be honest…but i rejoice to be back here so perhaps one day there is hope.

[Warbaby1943]

This seems like both a good and then very bad experience. I hope it has helped you for any future involvement. Thanks for sharing.

[selkie]

actually, I'm sorry this was your first experience - one of the biggest issues in our lifestyle is differentiating between genuine consent and mutual respect and safe playing and abuse -unfortunately, a lot of misognynists see submissives as a perfect tool on which to practice abuse.

bottom line - no matter what anyone "tells" you, listen to YOURSELF - what YOU feel comfortable with - a good Dom will bring you along gently to test your limits, explore your psyche and lead you where you wish to go and where he wishes you to go - he will not force you - being dominant is not just about power and contorl - its also about wisdom and self restraint, nurturing and guidance.

[MsUther]

This sounds so straining and stressfull. How hard it must have been for you to partly stand on the outside and at the same time being brought into their problems by them both.
What he did to you is horrible. He sounds like an abusive monster, this scary man.
I`m very sorry this was your first experience.
It was a hard story to read, and I cant imaginne how it was for you to live it.
Good luck to you in the future, not everybody is as foul hearted as this man, I hope you will find your way back, your trust and your hopes fulfilled.

[Echoes]

Thanks everyone,
I wondered why I even posted this...but I was reading one other personal story about abuse here and was about to post on theirs.
This was not attract attention but more to say it's out there everywhere, maybe hoping to share and show it is not necessary and no one deserves abuse...nor should they shoulder all the responsibility.
I spent the first year wondering what the heck happened, why it was happening, so angry and upset, blaming myself for not being there for them more but I know now I could not have given more and I was becoming so messed up. It was really hurting me and my instincts, mind, heart...everything was saying (more than once...it is time to leave) I did talk to them and sent them emails saying I thought they needed help, but this was not my place to do so and making everything worse and worse.
I feel bad for them and hope they do or have gotten help for they have much good inside. There was a lot of miscommunication or lack of communication even between them...one so afraid to speak the truth for fear of consequences and one not wanting to hear the truth.
There was grief and anger over this also. So many strong emotions to sort through.
I was not an angel myself. I riled against her accusations and became angry and hurt instead of shrugging it off, seeing she was in so much angst, it was also hard for me to get through the doubt...was he really abusing her or is she messing with my mind?
Now I am happy it is over, yes there was a lot of joy in here too believe it or not and that is what is coming stronger now, what I am allowing to come through.

Everyone has the power and control to pick positive out of negative and learn from both as well as guiding their own life and finding out what it is they really do want. It's hard sometimes, but is possible...and it is important to continue growing and learning, keeping an open mind and accept "I" do make many many mistakes, as does everyone else.

[SheepishJaina]

Echos, *hugs tight*

Sadly, abuse is all too common a thing that I've seen when talking to other submissives. I agree with what everyone else has said thus far. In the end if there is ANY part of the relationship you are not comfortable with, you need to be careful. Especially since you've mentioned that he did not communicate with you. No matter what, communication is KEY in ANY relationship. If you cannot talk about things, no matter how small, from the weather, to bigger issues, it won't work. There is so much more to submission than just the sex. Sadly, again, far too many think that this is the case.

I am sorry that you have had to go through it. But, similiarly to my own experiences, anything that does not kill us, and we learn from, and allow to make ourselves stronger, in the end has served some purpose for the greater good. It sucks so much that we have to go through these painful trials and times to become who we are today. But unless we let that fire consume us, in the end I truely believe that we will come out of it refined and ready for the one who is destined to be our partner.

*hugs tightly again* If you ever need to chat, please PM me or hollar at me on messenger. I've got both mine linked on my profile.

[Tojo]

A hell of a story Echoes. Impossible to read that & not be moved.



Tojo

[Ozme52]

Some things are beyond my 'ken' of understanding... and the dom you describe is one of them.

We're not all like that echoes, do not despair in your search for your own happiness.