Not sure what it is or where it's going

[moptop]

I would like some advice, although I'm not quite sure yet even what the question is - hopefully I'll work that out as I type!

I only found this site today, and my first yesterday. I've only come into joyful realisation and acceptance of myself as a sub very recently (but am not inexperienced in various types of play). My liberation (mental and physical) (although perhaps liberation is not the right word! :evil:) has been with the assistance of a man who I at first thought was just a horny young stud (well, he is). But as our relationship has grown (we've traversed a lot of ground very rapidly), I have come to the conclusion that he is my Master and that he is training me - but I'm not entirely sure he thinks that, or is accepting of that in himself; or whether he is just enjoying playing that role/game at the moment, but doesn't see being a dom as an actual definition of himself. I truly feel the need to be in a deep, loving relationship with a man who is my Master, with that as part of the fundamental definition of our relationship.

We don't at the moment get to see eachother that often, (which has actually been great for cyber play) but at the moment we are in completely different time zones, which is making communication, discovery and sharing more difficult. I wrote him several mails last night that I didn't send him - declaring myself to him, submitting my self to him, and outright asking him if he is a real dom and wants to be my Master or not. He is young (compared with me, certainly) - I think he is also on a voyage of discovery of himself, and I don't want to take him too far too soon, to anywhere he is not willing to go. Generally that sort of concern seems only to be expressed about subs, but I think it is the same for doms. We all have our limits. We all have to discover ourselves, and this is an intense emotional path.

Should I offer myself to him? Should I ask him is he sees himself as a true dom? Should I wait until we see eachother (in a couple of months)? Any advice?

Thanks a lot anyone

[pttwyn]

Hi moptop,
That's a clever name, it gives me many exotic visions. Back to the subject at hand, also posted here is a thread that gives you several points to consider when looking for a dominante partner.
The easiest one to consider is the most basic.
If you were not involved in a Dom/sub relationship would this be the person you would like to have share your time. :rolleyes:
Or is it just a physical fling :span:
There are several other points to consider too, listed in the thread above.

[TomOfSweden]

Rules and boundaries need to be set in all relationships, (not just within BDSM). If you allready is his slave, (since you said he's training you) this relationship has a potential to get out of hand if neither of you brings up the D/s issue.

I have experience of just this situation and have plenty of advice on what not to do. A naturaly dominant person, (note the small "d") that's inexperienced with subs probably won't understand her gift to him, unless it's expressed. I may have been the worlds dummest Dominant when I set out but it took me years to figure out that strong and smart women can actually enjoy being submissive. Yes, this was way before I got in any contact with any form of litterature on the subject besides porn.

He needs to understand what you're giving him and he needs to understand that he has responsbility for you when you're submiting to him. Not only physically but also emotionally. I wouldn't bet that he'll figure it out all alone.

You don't need to bring it up all at once. You can ask him if he's ever heard of the type of relationship that you're looking for and probe his opinions on the subject before outing your desires. Maybe it's all just play to him. You don't know until you ask.

[Tojo]

Hi & welcome moptop- darned if I know what you should do re your own relationship. You have to work that out for yourself! :)

I would suggest that you read up about D/s in general- the whole Dom/sub thing, it sounds as if you're not clear in your own mind how it all works.

Of course I could be wrong...

Check out this site if you haven't seen it- www.submissiveloving.com

To me it's more important to work out how you feel yourself, before you worry too much about who does what in your own relationship.

If I had to give an opinion to anyone re a D/s relationship of any sort- I'd say better to go nice & slow than too fast. You might miss out on something if you rush it!

Let us know how you go now please?

Tojo

[ElectricBadger]

Pardon my intrustion into sub space :)

I would suggest you find a reasonably short but quality piece describing what bdsm is (specifically, is to you) and send it to him with a small intro, along the lines of "This seems kind of sexy. Does this sound like our relationship to you? Would you want us to go towards this direction?" That shows your interest without promising or demanding anything or instigating massive changes (all of which freak out partners), and invites his response and a real conversation. I suspect a few "I like this, but not this..." lines will help both of you along. If he's already acting like a Dom, then although he may not want the title/want to be part of a "lifestyle", he may be a lot more open to the concepts behind it (which is the important bit anyways, yeah?)

Good luck, and keep us posted!

[Ozme52]

Pardon my intrustion into sub space

Like you were the first. :rolleyes:

[Tojo]

'Questions for a submissive/slave' -didn't see that!

Oops.... *insert embarrassed smiley* :32:



Tojo

[moptop]

Thanks everyone - interesting & helpful. This is my first question to the community and I'm so grateful at getting friendly, caring responses and so quickly.

You all had helpful advice - I would particularly like to thank Tom of Sweden and pttwyn. Yes, does he realise the Pandora's box he's opening up and getting back? I'm lucky, he is a caring, loving man - sounds wierd, I guess, but he's very gentle. But we havn't had the chance to discuss our activities and what they really mean - we've just sort of got on with them! Luckily, we're getting to spend some extended time together come end November. Tojo, I'm doing a lot of reading and thinking and will try to get us to take it slow - not what we've been best at so far! - and will go to that site, thanks. ElectricBadger - he's WAY ahead of me on the concepts! but yes, is it lifestyle or play?

Thanks again, everyone - and I will let you know how we get on.

[maddie]

I'm lucky, he is a caring, loving man - sounds wierd, I guess, but he's very gentle.

Don't be so surprised. Lots of them are.

A dom really should be someone you actually like spending time with, you know. You should want to please him. His happiness should make you happy. If you don't like him, that's not bound to be the case.

[moptop]

Just wanted to say, to Tojo really, I've spent a lot of time on the submissiveloving site, and I was particularly grateful to Mistress Steel for her article on Submissive Frenzies. Strong resonance for me there. I certainly recognise the state in myself - and it helps me to balance about my expectations around the relationship itself: I would like him to be the one etc. etc., just as anyone seeking love hopes that this new relationship will be, but I'm not counting on it. I just intend us to enjoy it as much as we can while we're together, and so does he, and we are! Also, I think that finding this community right at this moment is allowing me to spread my frenzy around a bit... I'm sorry if that's a bit of bind for all of you! Let's hope it doesn't last too long.

[Tojo]

Please don't be sorry moptop- we're all going through our own stuff, that's what we come here for. To me that's the biggest thing with this place, the freedom to express your own doubts & uncertainties in a pretty darn supportive environment.

Feel free to sit down & say what you want anytime- you're very welcome.

If you have 'personal' stuff to discuss, it's OK to PM a likely candidate.

There's never any guarantees in any relationship, that's for sure- when I married my wife I identified as a sub. She had many a happy time with that- now it doesn't do a thing for me, but luckily the BDSM side of things is/was a very small part of our relationship.


Tojo