curious ramblings [Archive]

karin

10-28-2006, 02:11 AM

i am...curious about some things..and wonder if anyone else is having similar issues. i am a rt live in submissive. we are married...we met on collarme.com...He was relatively new to the lifestyle..i wasn't. but that wasn't important to me. anyone who is driven can learn anything. and he was clearly dominant by nature. now, after four years of being together..and 3 years of marriage..things have turned rather...vanilla between us. who is to 'blame'? both..neither. whatever. life happens. trash needs to be taken out. dog needs to be walked. bills need to be paid. did we become..complacent perhaps? the collar that i wear 24/7 that is locked around my throat has become a piece of jewelry in many ways. the symbolism somehow..lost in the reality of daily life. we discussed this last night...i am frustrated..i want/need/crave more. but our D/s has crumbled so far, that i wonder if it is possible to get it back. make no mistakes...i am deleriously happy with this Man. i love him with all my heart and soul, and would never...leave him because of this. we are committed to 'us' and our marriage. but...i feel..empty in 'that' place. its not about the 'play'..its about daily D/s. i dont' need to be micromanaged. i am quite housebroken...cooking, cleaning, laundry...all that is done without a second thought. but what now? where do we begin again? and can i.....feel like that towards him again...? i dont' at this point. i love him. he is my best friend. he is my confidant. he is perfect in every other way. i'm just not sure we can get 'that' back again...

Tojo

10-28-2006, 06:04 AM

You say you discussed it karin- may I ask what came out of that?

Obviously it's something you have to work out together- if you both care for each other you'll do whatever it takes.

3 years is not long enough to lose your zing in any relationship. :32:

Tojo

karin

10-28-2006, 06:12 AM

well..nothing has really come of it. He is at a loss about how to deal with this....and looks to *me* for advice...i'm the submissive. i cannot tell him how to be a dominant. i have offered suggestions in the past that were not acted upon. and our 'relationship' as such is not in trouble at all. we love each other very much....its the D/s part of it that has gone by the wayside. i had a few surgeries...which put 'things' on hold. but since then, we've been kinda..stuck in that pattern. we do things together..travel, shop, walk..talk...like any other couple. we just don't have...um...well. the D/s thing going on anymore ... i'm june cleaver in the house...which is fine. but i seek more. what, exactly? not sure. i guess i just want things the way they were in the beginning of 'us'...

lily27

10-28-2006, 07:52 AM

I haven't been in this type of situation. But I have certainly been in vanilla relationships that have lost its zing.

It sounds like you both are willing, so I would bet you just both need to relight the flame. Devote a weekend to getting back on track. If you have kids...send them off to Grandma's house.

There are lots of things you can do to get the creative juices flowing. Watch some movies....read a book or two....check out the Yes Master deck in the forums. Talk about things you used to do that made you hot (not in a "how come you never do ______ anymore??" kind of way....but a "Remember when we ______ that made me cum sooo hard" way). Exchange fantasies.

If you really work at being in full-on submissive mode for 48 hours, and he does the same as a Dom, you will probably fall right back into it.

Turn off the phone. Spend the entire weekend as just the two of you, reconnecting with these sides of yourself. It is no different than a vanilla couple having to take time to reconnect sexually.

I hope everything works out, and I wish you both the best.

~hellish one~

10-28-2006, 08:54 AM

karin

10-28-2006, 09:03 AM

thank you all. our 'zing' isn't gone, per se..its just...sleeping LOL all very good suggestions...and i thank you for taking the time to read and answer thoughtfully...

Ozme52

10-28-2006, 09:36 AM

Maybe it hasn't changed at all... but you (and he) have... But now after 4 years... you need more, or a shake-up, something introduced into the mix that rekindles the initial rush. All relationships go through these times where the fire smolders and something is required to stir the coals.

Have you thought about maybe... "resisting" him... make him work for your submission... which will make him stretch his dom-muscles to retame you... and will make you feel "newly" submissive as he does so.

Have you thought about exploring some soft (or hard) limits you left untouched the first time around.

Have you thought about involving a third party, if not in r/l... perhaps a "guest-director"...

lily27

10-28-2006, 09:44 AM

*squirms at Oz's suggestions*

karin

10-28-2006, 10:30 AM

*squirms at Oz's suggestions too* yes....perhaps you are right. 'we' have changed. become lazy in our roles. resistance doesn't really work with us. i've tried that upon occassion and been met with a shrug of the shoulders. He isn't an aggressive Dominant. figures if i dont give it..He can't make me. (which is, as we all know..too true) He won't fight for what He believes should be His in the first place.

and play, per se, isn't an issue. we play. not frequently, but when we do it is always amazingly wonderful. so limits are essentially a non-issue too. i would do whatever He asked in that area.

a third party *ponders with a grin* any volunteers?

Ozme52

10-28-2006, 10:38 AM

*squirms at Oz's suggestions too*

...

a third party *ponders with a grin* any volunteers?

:wave:

_ID_

10-28-2006, 10:42 AM

Ok so to a little background.....

I am a mechanic, highest formal education achieved is high school. I believe I have an average intellect. She on the other hand is near genius. Don't remember the score she got, but I know it was dammit high. I am not ashamed of who I am where I came from or what I might be able to accomplish due to my education level.

So onto the D/s side of things. When we met, I was new, and by new I mean I had no toys, never been to any events, never actually met or talked with anyone who was into BDSM. I knew what I wanted, and sought it out. She was the first and only person to respond to any searching I did. I am very happy that she did, and figure it must be some sort of fate that I didn't get any other responses. I learned what I have learned mostly from reading, and instruction from her.

There was a thread on here about what kind of domination do you do. I responded with physical domination, and explained why. Many of the responses that others used were mental domination. This to me presents a problem, for me at least. Since she is able to out think me, knows me so well that she can predict what I would like to do when. How does one achieve dominance with a person who is so much smarter than you?

When we play, I am able to give her a great time, I am quite skilled in that department now. Its the time between play that is causing the problem.

V/R
ID

Ruby

10-28-2006, 01:45 PM

ID and Karin,

Life can easily get in the way of all that exciting playtime that used to be between the two of you.

And yet, there are things that submissives often crave, that feeling of being owned, of being praised for a job well done, that can be a key part of as successful D/S relationship.

I recommend reading "The Slave". It's a stand alone book in the Market Place Series by Laura Antoniou.

For Doms, it provides a wonderful insight into the mind of someone seeking D/S 24/7.

For subs/slaves and even those of us who call ourselves pets, it's one of those "ah ha" reads. Yes, yes, that's what I want. Or no fracken way, we'll skip that, thank you.

It's excellent food for thought and discussion.

Karin,

Have you thought about rituals or tasks above and beyond the daily chores of living that would help keep you in the D/S mode you crave?

ID

Are you willing to take the time to provide the those things?

Both of you,

The mental part of D/S is where much of the zing and satisfaction can happen. The anticipation of an upcoming scene, the thrill of doing "submissive tasks" for the dom, the pleasure the dom receives and rewards given can all add a bit more spice to the couple's part of your life.

I also agree with other suggestions. Get out there and spend some alone time. Put the kids to bed or send them out of the house with a sitter and start "dating" again.

It might even be time to pull out one of those checklists and talk through it together. You may not finish the discussion one session, cause "play happens".

All the best on taking your relationship to the next level and keeping the fire burning,

Ruby

karin

10-28-2006, 01:45 PM

bottom line, ID. i love you. more than anything. and we are solid as a couple, a unit...a family. i love being yours...in marriage or whatever. its just that simple. i do..have 'needs'..i don't know what they are at this point. so its hard for me to tell you ... although i have thought about it long and hard, there is no definitive answer. perhaps i'm selfish. perhaps i should just cherish what we DO have rather than mourn what we don't. and i do, actually...you are..my best friend. and that...is more important that papers, rings and collars in my book.

karin

10-28-2006, 01:50 PM

thank you ruby. that was very insightful of you, and i appreciate you taking the time to respond. fortunately, we don't have children to impede us. but in answer to your question to me...yes i have. we had that once. where he would leave me a list of things to accomplish during the day before he got home from work. i liked that...gave me something to do 'for him' and for me. put me in a better submissive frame of mind. we both knew early on, we didn't want me crawling around behind him on my hands and knees 24/7. we both knew i didn't need micro-management of my day. i know what has to be done daily, and just do it. with or without prompting. so i guess that was redundant for him to leave lists..it fell by the wayside. its just so much more than the play. as i'm sure you understand. the play we have is fantastic. the stuff fantasies are made of. and for that i am truly grateful. for HIM..i am truly grateful. i hope i don't sound whiney or 'princess-y'..its not my intention. i am seeking insight and suggestions..all of which have been valid. and welcome.

thank you all again

lily27

10-28-2006, 02:05 PM

"I am a mechanic, highest formal education achieved is high school. I believe I have an average intellect. She on the other hand is near genius. Don't remember the score she got, but I know it was dammit high."

ID, love....give yourself a shake. Everything that you post on here is insightful and wise. I don't believe for a second that you are incapable of getting into your subbie's mind.

All it takes is for you to believe it.

_ID_

10-28-2006, 02:10 PM

karin - I know you love me, I have no doubt about that fact. I love you as well. All that we have, all that we had, all that we will have. I cherish each and every item. The ring on your finger, the collar on your neck, the legal portion of our relationship that makes us Husband and wife. Each of those things bring substance to the whole of us.

To the question of rituals. As she stated she knows what needs done. So for me to say "do the laundry today" is just treating her as if she didn't know better, and I find that to be disrespectful of her intellect. So then what types of ritualistic activities might I dream up? paint the house? No, not something I want to happen, nor would I ask her. That would be a guy thing dontcha know. So then what ritualistic activity? Mode of dress? I don't know if chores are the best choice of something that would help redefine our D/s. Having her wax the floor is laborious, and she isn't fully recovered to do something that intensive. Having her crawling about the house on hands and knees isn't something that would be beneficial to our relationship. Unless of course I was home, and had her on a leash.

Ruby, thanks for the post, and to everyone else. I welcome the suggestions, and comments. Perhaps I will get this straightened out.

*goes to look up the book "The Slave" as suggested*

V/R
ID

karin

10-28-2006, 02:10 PM

lily..he's one of the smartest people i know. *for the record* He berates himself a lot for *in his own mind* his shortcomings. i see Him as just about as perfect as anyone can be.

lily27

10-28-2006, 02:13 PM

"lily..he's one of the smartest people i know."

Now that....I don't doubt for a second.

I am sure that the two of you will be able to get past this. All it takes is willing hearts, which you both clearly have.

karin

10-28-2006, 02:20 PM

that's true lily. i felt odd bringing something so personal to a public forum...but i also know that many people who read and post here have real experience with this..ie Ruby. perhaps there are others who might, once this is all said and done, learn something from all the generous people who have responded as well. as i have, and still am..as He is..and still is. this may seem odd to some, that we are 'talking' to each other via a message board, but i personally find it easier at times to write than to speak. as a submissive, i can't always freely express myself to him verbally....i feel 'freer' in writing to open up. i mean..He's sitting *points* right there...~L~ but...i guess it happens to us all..sometimes, during 'conversations'..people get upset..emotional...things get blown out of proportion and context. here, in writing..i can temper that more. and hopefully be 'heard' by Him.

annie

10-28-2006, 05:21 PM

thank you all. our 'zing' isn't gone, per se..its just...sleeping LOL all very good suggestions...and i thank you for taking the time to read and answer thoughtfully...

Sounds in a way like the problem is what happens with every couple at some point and time... be it vanilla or D/s couples.

From what i read at least it appears as though the "romance" is missing. karin knows what chores need done and does them. ID knows how to meet the physical needs. But... what about the subtle little things that used to happen? Do those still happen? Little things that show that one is thinking of the other at various times? Calling/emailing her out of the blue and adding a bit of spice... such as "clamp and cum in two minutes." Or writing him a note (or researching a new level of kinky) and emailing/calling him and begging for it to happen?

This may be happening all ready... i couldn't tell one way or the other from the posts. But, if not, that extra bit of attention may be what is missing. Always discussing everyday things gets mundane and takes out the "zing" quickly.

Just a thought!

fantassy

10-28-2006, 06:01 PM

It sounds as if Karin's ability to anticipates ID's needs have made things a bit routine. Perhaps the tasks ID leaves should focus on serving him in less obvious ways. On laundry day, Karin's task could be to spend the day at the spa pampering and preparing her body for ID's pleasure, perhaps with somethings specified - nail color, bikini wax, etc. Another task could be for Karin to write down any submissive desire she had during the day, which ID could file away to act on at another time. If ID has lunch at a specified time each day, he could leave a standing order for Karin to masterbate to the edge at that specified time so that he can think of his pussy at that time.

Intersperse the exotic with the mundane. When the daily task is cleaning out the refrigerator, pin a note with some explicit instructions on what to do with a zuccini. Think of tasks that have no purpose other than Karin is doing them because ID told her to. Example, every time she goes to the bathroom, she must stop and restart peeing at least three times to demonstrate ID's control of her. Just little things to make Karin feel that she is not just cleaning the house because it needs to be cleaned. She's cleaning it in the nude to remind her of her submission.

fantassy

Echoes

10-28-2006, 06:19 PM

ID, I don't really know you but I have seen some of your posts and think you to have a loving, insightful, intelligent mind and be of person...karin from your posts, I think you to be wonderful and loving and so open.
I have nothing to help here, everyone here has said anything I could think of and much more...but you are right when you say it does show how everyone here pulls together to help, it surprises me yet it doesn't for the love for each other can be felt in everyone's words and how much they do to smile and touch others continually.
This will work because the two of you want to work through this and your love for each other, your communication and honesty.
warmest hugs for you both

Ozme52

10-28-2006, 07:44 PM

So then what ritualistic activity? Mode of dress?
ID

I've said this before in other threads... and quite frankly, it works.

Why not include some position practice. An hour on her knees in two or three poses... prior to you coming home will make her squirmy and anxious for your return. Wouldn't it be nice to walk in the door and have her there waiting, hot, wet. She could take off your shoes... socks... remove your clothes, rise and lead you to the bathroom for a shower or bath... bathe you.

Dinner... why not celebrate the holidays early... I'm talking about Steak and a Blowjob Day of course....

Then go out for drinks or a movie... which brings you to mode of dress. Use a jar and pick... so she won't know until just before you leave... Prim and proper? Slutty? Heels or boots? Nylons or bare? Short skirt or long with a slit.

I'd be willing to make a small wager... she's growing hot right now...

In fact.... karin, here's a ritual for you..... Next time you go shopping, put on some boots and slip a clothespin onto the top inside calf of your boot... I'll PM Dawg later and will tell him what to do with it later.

Oz

Tojo

10-28-2006, 08:18 PM

How does one achieve dominance with a person who is so much smarter than you?

Well I don't know diddly squat about physically dominating, but I don't believe you need to be able to outthink someone or be smarter to dominate them.

I sure as heck don't think I'm any smarter than any of my girls- one of them can run rings around me, despite being much younger. Yet the D/s play we did was was like nothing either of us had ever experienced.

I'd venture to suggest that being a Dom is not about being 'better' in any way than a sub. I'm in awe of anyone who can give themselves to another, to essentially trust their life & well-being to someone else.

Tojo

learningtopleez

10-28-2006, 11:07 PM

karin and ID,

I don't have any suggestions for you two, just a lot of love and support in knowing you will work this out! The love you have for each other shines through in your posts, and I wish you both lots of fun, kinky D/s to keep ya going! And I can't wait to find out karin, what you had to do with that clothespin! *grin*

huggles to you both

_ID_

10-28-2006, 11:33 PM

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I will do some thinking about them, and post my thoughts later.

ID

cariad

10-28-2006, 11:56 PM

ID you observe that Karin is very bright, yet the routine tasks which she mentions are generally physical and mundane. How about setting her tasks which demand that she uses her mental abilities.

For example you could set her a task which required her to prepare an evening's entertainment for you which centered around a particular style of dress - taking Oz's idea of

Use a jar and pick... so she won't know until just before you leave... Prim and proper? Slutty? Heels or boots? Nylons or bare? Short skirt or long with a slit.

and slightly turning it on its head, or you could choose a theme, or a piece of music or a picture which she has to develop it from.

Give her a week to work this out, with all details being kept completely hidden from you, I am sure that will raise both your levels of expectation.

Think about the evening in the same you would prepare for a major themed dinner party - so she would work out every element of the atmosphere, lighting levels, scents, music, food, a performance to entertain you, a selection of toys with suggestive creative ways, within the theme, of how you could use them on her... I am sure you get the idea.

cariad

karin

10-29-2006, 12:21 AM

wow..slightly overwhelmed by everyones concern and support...*takes a breath...opens a new browser and begins to respond*

annie said: Calling/emailing her out of the blue and adding a bit of spice... such as "clamp and cum in two minutes." Or writing him a note (or researching a new level of kinky) and emailing/calling him and begging for it to happen?

well YUMMY...that sounds great. i like those ideas a lot..thank you

fantassy said: Example, every time she goes to the bathroom, she must stop and restart peeing at least three times to demonstrate ID's control of her.

YES..something like that would be perfect. that's exactly what i seek. the small daily reminders of what our relationship was founded on.

echoes: thank you for your kind and supportive thoughts...the love we have for each other is unwavering. it makes me all warm and fuzzy to know that it shows..thank you

Oz: oh my....*just squirms...trying to peek over ID's shoulder at the pm*

Tojo: exactly. its got nothing to do with educational levels. ID reads. a lot. His education may not be 'formal' but it is ongoing. daily. i am so proud of Him and His desire to grow, as a human being, a husband, a friend and a Dominant.

learning: thank you for your words. and i had no luck in reading the pm about the clothespin. darn it. but will let you know when/if it happens *grin*

in closing: again i want to thank each and every one of you for your support and wisdom. i so enjoy reading other peoples ideas, and finding a way to tweak them so they 'fit' us. my life with Him is perfect in every other way. but my soul craves the dominance He once had over me. i am so very lucky to wear His collar...and i know there are so many who seek what we have. i feel fortunate to be owned/married/loved by Him...

as He reads everyone's posts...He asks me "what do you think about.....?" "what do you think about..........?"....that is part of the problem. don't ask me! just DO it! i dont' want a lot of input here..that's the whole idea, ID...to have 'options' removed. to do things cuz YOU want me to ... not cuz i want to or don't want to...i know you are trying to be considerate...but STOP that LOLOL don't ASK me if Oz's idea appeals to me....just DO it and find out...

i love you ID... and my warmest wishes and thanks go out to all our 'friends' who have, and are....showing great concern and support...

karin

10-29-2006, 02:55 AM

ooh cariad..interesting. and how did this work for you? i assume you've done this...would love to hear about it to get more ideas!

_ID_

10-29-2006, 04:46 AM

that is part of the problem. don't ask me! just DO it! i dont' want a lot of input here..that's the whole idea, ID...to have 'options' removed. to do things cuz YOU want me to ... not cuz i want to or don't want to...i know you are trying to be considerate...but STOP that LOLOL don't ASK me just DO it and find out

Taking this piece of information, I think I will take her shopping within the week. We have an accessory that I am going to bring along. Should make for an interesting trip.

V/R
ID

cariad

10-29-2006, 05:46 AM

ooh cariad..interesting. and how did this work for you? i assume you've done this...would love to hear about it to get more ideas!

Okay - giving you a slightly worked example...

ID could give you the task of creating a French Brothel experience for him in a week or a fortnight's time.

You then immediately start researching the subject. Think about the 5 senses as you explore the theme, use all them to create a special evening. And think big and extravegant in your gestures - think theatre and intense sensuality.

So if this was going to be a regular dinner party for two, you would think about

sight - what you were going to wear, what are key colours of the theme, how you would dress the table, how you would move, your level of make up, drapes over lamps (careful of fire hazards etc.

smells - what sort of perfume would you wear, what scents will you fill the rooms with

taste - an easy one for this theme - a selection of light delicious French dishes, remember to think colours and textures and degree of digestibility, since hopefully you will be active later on - grins.

sounds - think of the music you can use. Make a large enough collection of MP3 files so you can have continuous evocative music. If for example you had an arabic theme you could also add slave bells to your costume.

feels - think about the texture of everything. The food, the fabric of what you are wearing. You do not need to have everything 'correct' but a few key pieces of fabric will make all the difference.

Dont be afraid of rearranging key rooms a little - think about lighting, that can be key to building an atmosphere and don't forget mirrors - but think about them from ID's perspective.

Having done all that - you then think about ID and his particular kinks. Add those into the package, use your knowledge of him to seduce him and create a fantasy for him within the theme he has given you. The key is to find a way to incorporate them within the theme, and not have them as add on extra at the end. Oh and make sure he has everything he might want to hand...

Yes, it is not easy, but the research and realisation is fun, and the level of anticipation is significant for both parties. You will know what you are planning for him, and if you are like me, you will be unable drop a little tease into things every few days.

ID - you might wish to choose a theme such as above, give Karin a picture you have found which interests you, or maybe selecting something you would like her to wear. Having done that - sit back, let her use her abilities and await your treat.

cariad

karin

10-29-2006, 05:59 AM

again i ask..is this something you personally have done? its not very practical is it. it gives "me' the upper hand. something i do not want. do not seek.

cariad

10-29-2006, 07:00 AM

Sorry, I misunderstood your question - it is something we have done, on a number of occasions.

It depends what you mean by not having the upper hand. If you mean that you just make yourself available to him, for him to do unto you what he wishes to do unto you, then it does not work. If you see it as actively using your skills and abilities to serve him and create a fantasy for him, then yes it does.

cariad

karin

10-29-2006, 08:29 AM

not sure...i will consider this suggestion as will He. kinda sounds like topping from the bottom to me...and we *try* not to do that LOL

cariad

10-29-2006, 08:49 AM

That is the joy of suggestions - one can accept, reject or adapt at will.

Whatever you do or do not do, I wish your relationship every good spark either of you could possibly wish for.

cariad

karin

10-29-2006, 08:59 AM

well thank you for your kind wishes!

Uncle_Ed

10-29-2006, 10:43 AM

Having lived a D/s lifestyle for over 20 years and now having tried on-line, I can honestly say that I have absolutely no advice whatsoever to offer you.

Why do I say this?

Because we are all so very different...only you two can work this out-if you really believe that anyone else knows you better than you know each other and is therefore qualified to offer intimate advice, then you have very little hope.

One recurring theme on advice in here is communication...I humbly suggest that you actually talk? I can only imagine that this public display makes the situation 10 times worse...you only admit to your misgivings and amplify them.

I would suggest you go away on holiday together and consider each other as a priority-forget us. But-that is advice-so I don't suggest it at all.

Best wishes,

Ed.

_ID_

10-29-2006, 11:41 AM

One recurring theme on advice in here is communication...I humbly suggest that you actually talk?

We do talk, all the time. Its one of those things we enjoy about each other. I appreciate the suggestions that are given here, not because someone that we never met, may know how to fix our problem. I appreciate the suggestions because it is a form of abstract thinking. Think outside the box kind of thing.

As karin stated, I read the suggestions that other have made here, asking her thoughts, asking would she enjoy this or that. Her response, something I think she was unable to vocalize to me, yet was able to write it. That response was the single most helpful post that was made.

V/R
ID

karin

10-29-2006, 12:20 PM

well...another wonderful set of thoughts...thank you delia....

1) you are very right. i do crave that. if ONLY for a day or two. i'd settle for one day a month....

2) i would be willing to explore that. i do better writing sometimes than i do speaking to him about some of these things. i find with writing, i have to think FIRST..with speaking, sometimes the mouth goes a lil out of control *innocent smile*

3) that idea simply doesn't appeal to either of us, but perhaps we could fine tune it to something we might enjoy.

4) no we don't have rituals. i would like to try that. we have never had those. we have friends here who do....when he comes home from work, regardless of who is there, or what is going on..they go into their room...i don't know what they are doing....i just know they both come out kind of..connected looking. i never asked...but i assume its something along that line.

5) i enjoy the little things almost more than the play itself *note i said "ALMOST"*...it does keep things simmering. He swatted my ass tonight and i immediately..erm..had a um..'response" *coughcoughgotwetcough*

i thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, delia. these suggestions, opinions and well wishes mean the world to us.

none of you can begin to know the warm fuzzy it gives me to know that you have taken YOUR valuable time to offer your thoughts to us both....

Ozme52

10-29-2006, 03:15 PM

not sure...i will consider this suggestion as will He. kinda sounds like topping from the bottom to me...and we *try* not to do that LOL

But it really isn't. It's like putting on a costume for role play, only moreso. You're creating a complete environment in which to play. Having done that... you have no control over how the Dawg will play. It's all up to him to use the toys, including you, that you have set into play.

learningtopleez

10-30-2006, 12:18 AM

learning: thank you for your words. and i had no luck in reading the pm about the clothespin. darn it. but will let you know when/if it happens *grin*

Taking this piece of information, I think I will take her shopping within the week. We have an accessory that I am going to bring along. Should make for an interesting trip.

*grin* Sounds like it's definitely gonna happen sweetie! And I can't wait to hear all about it! :hubba:

karin

10-30-2006, 12:35 AM

master 327-834-200

10-30-2006, 04:16 AM

Taking this piece of information, I think I will take her shopping within the week. We have an accessory that I am going to bring along. Should make for an interesting trip.

V/R
ID

Hope this trip goes well. Don't leave her waiting too long though as she is bound to have read about this and though anticipation is good it sounds like Karin needs action.

Good luck guys hope you turn the corner soon.

Ozme52

10-30-2006, 05:30 PM

Oz..yes...but He prefers to 'set the stage' so to speak...so again, its not something that we are much interested in. He will often make me wait in another room while he prepares the play area...He enjoys setting the scene himself...good idea, just not for us! ~hugs~

learning: will keep you posted ~L~ kinda squirmy thinking about it...*constantly*

Never karin?

Dawg? Never? Even for the gift of a role play that you can just step into and improvise without forethought? Never is such a huge word.

karin

10-31-2006, 12:18 AM

didn't say 'never'....simply...just not for us! not everything..is for everyone, correct? a) it doesn't sound like fun to either of us b) *repeating* He prefers....enjoys...insists...on setting the scene for play. its a turn-on for Him to prepare the setting.

so again...good idea..just not for us

_ID_

10-31-2006, 12:55 AM

Dawg? Never? Even for the gift of a role play that you can just step into and improvise without forethought? Never is such a huge word

When karin and I play, I do all the ambiance (music, lighting, accessories). When we go out to dinner, she knows what I prefer to have, and can order for me, but I don't prefer that, I prefer to think for myself, make my own choices.

The idea that was presented held zero appeal to me. I am not interested in the situation that was suggested.

The idea of improvising without forethought is not something I would enjoy. I enjoy deciding on the path, deciding on what will or will not be available to me for play, deciding on when or where.

So to your question. No, I would never choose to do the task that was suggested.

V/R
ID

karin

10-31-2006, 12:57 AM

*shivers* ooooh...how forceful! *slinkin' into the bedroom..suddenly very turned on...stripping as i go..leaving articles of clothing in my wake*

Talia

10-31-2006, 04:18 AM

Karin~

I've read through this thread and find the ideas given very interesting. Even those that do not "get your fansy".

You stated on the first page you don't really know WHAT it is that is impeding your relationship....or causing the down time of the relationship. Really all suggestions may help or may not. My thoughts, until you KNOW what is the center of your needs are, all these will be are suggestions that can be tried...

You have explored others thoughts and ideas, have you two tried a professional? There are counselors, phycologists that do specialize in D/s relationships....have you considered this possiblity.

I have read more of ID's posts than I have of yours and have always thought of him as a very intellegent gentleman. You seem very intelligent and sophiscated. I've notice also, he's a very technical person, where as you are more book oriented (lack of a better term).

Since he does like setting the scene, have you tried writing your desires down for him to set the stage?

I do feel the discontent in your writings, I am just not sure how we can help.

Good luck and wishing you the best

Talia

karin

10-31-2006, 05:58 AM

thank you Talia for your time and thoughtful reply. we simply know what does not appeal to us. many of the suggestions offered are indeed something we will try. and some...are not. that is our prerogative of course..to pick and choose what we feel we would be interested in or not. all suggestions are and were welcomed, of course, or i'd not have aired our problem here to the world. we are talking. a lot. and with His upcoming vacation will be devoting the entire two weeks to 'us'. to explore..start back at ground zero perhaps. which was probably the most helpful suggestion of all. given privately. and it really made sense to us both. in answer to your question...no i have not written that down...about my desires for him setting the stage of scenes, simply because he does such an amazing job all on his own. He takes great pride, as do i, in His skills in that particular area. its not the scenes..the play...that are in question with us..its the daily small things that are lacking.

again thank you so much for your kind wishes...

_ID_

10-31-2006, 06:04 AM

fantassy

10-31-2006, 06:48 PM

ID and Karin, I want to thank you for such an interesting thread, and for sharing with us. I shared it with my Dom and some of the things mentioned actually struck home with us. My Dom realized that he, like ID, tends to ask me what I think about trying a new idea, and your comment, Karin, made him realize, I too would rather have him just tryout the idea without asking me. So this thread has been a great talking point for us. Thank you. Oh, and if you'd like one more suggestion, my Dom thought you might enjoy something he used to do with one if his former subs - she acted as his chauffeur, driving him and opening his car door, just to remind her she served him and also to display her submission in a public, yet subtle way. (I did warn him I thought ID loved his engines too much to want to be chaufeured, lol).

fantassy

_ID_

11-01-2006, 02:38 AM

fantassy - Thank you for the encouragement! I am glad you found this thread to be something you could use. It also helps brace up the idea that due to the level of care and concern one develops for another person. Showing that you value their concerns and thoughts can get in the way of the D/s part of things without even realizing it.

Additionally, you are correct about the chauffeur thing. One of the things I started when she and I first got together was that I would drive, I would open and close doors for her. She not being allowed to do it herself. So the same idea as your Dom, just reversed in application. I still do that to this day, but it doesn't hold the same value due to how I have let things become mundane.

Again, thanks for the warm thoughts!

V/R
ID

Ruby

11-01-2006, 05:24 PM

Karin and ID,

Two weeks to get back to basics! What fun.

When I think about what you two are going through, and all the other couples out there that every now and then feel like they are missing some-zing, the Pina Coladas song pops into my brain.

http://www.lyricsandsongs.com/print_song/319410.html

When T and I hit a rocky bump in our marriage, we decided the best thing to do was start dating again. It has and still works wonders.

Enjoy your upcoming escape!

Ruby

annie

11-01-2006, 06:35 PM

ObeyMe

11-09-2006, 06:51 AM

Hmmmmmmmmm........

Well, I can see where this may cause some issues, although, I have no earth shattering wisdom, just be sure to keep your position in Mind ID, I personally dont have a list of things or micro manage, hardgirl is a very good girl, so shes very motivated to please.

I DO however at some point during the day, REMIND her of her position, mentally and physically, just the way I'll "ask" her to do something, walk up behind her make her stop what shes doing to accept My atten., etc...

I'm not into punishments, for instance, she dropped a pickle jar, spilled the juice all over, she cleaned it up, so what, I'm going to make her use a toothbrush on the toilet?

I WILL however address her attitude if I detect a disrespectful tone, leftovers from the nilla days lol, I love to see her demeanor change. I will at any time I choose bend her over, and take her, thus reminding her of her position.

So all I'm trying to convey, is, IMO, its alot of little things that keep this D/s relationship fresh, you dont need to make a big production, you DONT ALWAYS have to have an official play session, you DO need to remind, and reinforce what IS, and that is You are Master, she is slave.

ID, dont bullshit yourself with this I'm a mechanic crap, so am I, among other things, and it takes every bit as much intelligence to do that in most cases as any other career and more than many careers.

Assume your role, take from her what shes giving, herself, you'll both be happier!

_ID_

11-09-2006, 09:09 AM

ID, dont bullshit yourself with this I'm a mechanic crap, so am I, among other things, and it takes every bit as much intelligence to do that in most cases as any other career and more than many careers.

Assume your role, take from her what shes giving, herself, you'll both be happier!

Thanks for the kind words. I appreciate your support!

ID

karin

12-04-2006, 12:58 AM

well...to A/all of you who were supportive and offered your best advice and well wishes...in spite of our best efforts...i asked to be released from ID's collar this weekend. we will remain married....we make a great ozzie & harriet type married couple, in that we are best friends, and truly love and care for each other. we have simply realized that at this time...we are simply not D/s or BDSM compatible due to some circumstances that occurred previously. this was actually a mutual decision....based on long talks and much introspection about 'us' as a couple. i love ID with all my heart and soul as my husband. i am proud to be his wife.

now. having said that...we have also agreed to seek out options to fulfill our desires and lifestyle needs. we will, again...remain married and happily so...but we will seek others for our most banal wishes.

so ladies....i proudly present ID to you all..go easy on Him...He's got that short term memory thing going on...*chuckles*

and myself....*waves n flirts n wiggles n giggles n stuff...hoping Some nice hot Dominant will notice*

again thank you all for your kind support...

_ID_

12-04-2006, 01:04 AM

I have never loved a woman more than I love karin. she is a most special person, and feel honored to have her as my wife. it has been a difficult road for us both for quite some time.

with that said, I would like to say I am ok with her seeking an online Dom, and that I intend to seek an online submissive. For each of us, meeting this online person for real is an open option, and ultimately is what the other seeks.

So Gents, I present to you one of the hottest submissives I know! Don't be gentle she doesn't like that.

ID

master 327-834-200

12-04-2006, 03:02 AM

Good luck to you both. I followed this thread closely since the day I became aware of it, actually opened it because I confused it with random babblings, mostly because I empathised with the strong emotions involved when a close marriage goes through problems.

I hope you have both found a path to help you through this time and that it leads to where you want to be. I doubt I will be the last to add my best wishes to you both as you have been very brave to reveal your situation here on the site and I have been proud of the way this little community of ours reacted.

Good luck to you both.

cariad

12-04-2006, 05:17 AM

ID and Karin, I read your posts with such mixed emotions. I shed an internal tear when I read that Karin had asked to be released from her collar, but then my heart soared as I read on.

All I can say, and all I wish to say, is that I wish you both every happiness in your marriage, and pray that any additional relationships which you find will serve will always strengthen and never weaken the bond between you.

cariad

samzum

12-04-2006, 09:51 AM

Good Luck to you both and may the heavens and your spirits soar. You both have that inner light that shines so wonderfully, and may you both enjoy it as much as the rest of the world sees it and is privileged to share in it.

nowgirl

12-05-2006, 08:47 AM

although i don't want to stick my nose in to a thread where i don't know either of you very well...i guess i'm going to!

i've been reading this thread since it started and it's been interesting watching the dynamics of your relationship change throughout. thanks for sharing it all...it can't be easy but know it's been inspiring to see your commitment to each other.

good luck through this next phase of your relationship.

karin

12-05-2006, 08:58 AM

thank you to all for your continuing support and kind words. its painful....but well...its just how it had to be..for now at least..til we..if we..can find our way back to each other in 'that' way....

_ID_

12-05-2006, 02:26 PM

I would like to just underscore what she said, and thank you all for your support.

This is difficult, and at times have doubts if this is the right thing to do. I love my wife, and love our marriage together.

However, at this time, we can't seem to come together in this manner. So I lie awake at night, thinking, wondering... am I doing the right thing, am I ok with this? I don't know. All I know is I love this woman, and I am willing to work through whatever I need to, so that we will stay together.

ID

Sir_G

12-05-2006, 03:24 PM

ID and Karin you know I'm here for both of you. I know how hard something like this is but I also know that hard work, communication and commitment are the keys to getting through this. (My wife and I went through a similar thing)

As I've already told you both my heart and ear are always available when I'm online. And I'm behind you both 100%. Thinking of and sending you both good vibes and energy everytime I think of you.

G

orchidsoul

12-05-2006, 06:34 PM

ID and Karin-

Though I don't know either of you, your love for eachother brings tears to my eyes. I can only imagine how difficult are these times for you both.

I'm completely sticking my nose where it doesn't belong... and I apologize...but if I may offer a suggestion, based upon what you're both writing and particularly this exerpt below:

This is difficult, and at times have doubts if this is the right thing to do. I love my wife, and love our marriage together.

However, at this time, we can't seem to come together in this manner. So I lie awake at night, thinking, wondering... am I doing the right thing, am I ok with this? I don't know. All I know is I love this woman, and I am willing to work through whatever I need to, so that we will stay together.

why such a drastic measure to seek out another so soon? There's evidently history of d/s working with you both aside from just play, and there's tons and tons of love and devotion to eachother...

perhaps you just need more time to achieve the balance you once had? Maybe it won't be the same exact way as before, but a new and improved "works for our daily life" compromise...

I've no experience to even lend validity to this reasoning... my heart truly aches for you both. All relationships go through ups and downs... maybe muddling the waters right out of the gate will do just that... get more confusing?

Again, I apologize for saying anything or everything out of line. It's not always that people are as madly in love with eachother as you two sound, and that deserves a longer chance of trying to make it work... there is a solution... it's just not always quick getting there.

I'm fortunate, my parents have been married 35 years. Trust me when I say it wasn't always strong, or happy, or fulfilling... but they are the love of eachothers lives... still... and always will be.
To me, you echo my parents love, and perhaps that's why I'm so compelled to say something...

all my best to you both.

orchidsoul

_ID_

12-05-2006, 10:40 PM

orchidsoul - thanks very much for your thoughts. Our love is indeed strong. I do believe that is what will keep us together.

ID

orchidsoul

12-11-2006, 11:24 AM

Hi ID and Karin,

Just wanted to say congratulations to both of you!

I hope my previous post, particularly it's incredibly poooooor timing (I should read more before posting!), was not taken offensively or in judgement, as it sincerely was not intended as such. I am really sorry if it came across in any other way than extending my sympathies and sharing my thoughts.

All the best to you both, and in your new explorations.

cheers,
Orchidsoul

karin

12-11-2006, 11:42 AM

thank you orchid. i think we may have found a solution to our problem. we love each other...that's been made very clear i believe. so....we have..expanded our horizons so to speak. we both have made connections that we intend to pursue as much as possible.....oddly...we are both ok with that. we've not 'gone there' in our relationship. so this is a new journey. will keep you posted as to how things progress.

thank you for your kind thoughts...

_ID_

12-11-2006, 01:10 PM

Stands at her side as she says this... fully supporting her.

_ID_

12-17-2006, 02:05 PM

I am sure people will notice the change in karins profile... she is fine, but has decided to withdraw from the forms due to some things within our life. We are fine as a couple, and are enjoying our life... We would both like to thank all those that supported us through our growth.

ID

polarbear9889

12-19-2006, 09:48 AM

ID & karin, i got all teary reading this thread... so much love yet so much sadness...
i would like to wish you both ALL THE BEST in your future endeavors. *hugs*

_ID_

02-09-2007, 08:28 PM

For those of you who attempted to help. All efforts made to mend what was broken has failed. She and I no longer live together. She is with another now, and we are going to remain good friends.

submissive sugar

02-10-2007, 12:19 AM

I did not know you two at all but I am sorry to hear that your marriage is ending.

ObeyMe

02-24-2007, 11:58 PM

For those of you who attempted to help. All efforts made to mend what was broken has failed. She and I no longer live together. She is with another now, and we are going to remain good friends.

Interesting.......

cariad

02-25-2007, 12:30 AM

I hate even partially sad endings - but am pleased that you have salvaged a friendship.

cariad

(ID - sorry I missed this when you posted)

_ID_

04-17-2007, 01:36 PM

As Paul Harvey said....

And the rest of the story...

~ Ashes ~

A relationship requires kindling to fuel the fires of passion and love this kindling can come in many forms: beauty, brawn, brains, tenacity, creativity. once the fires of love and passion are burning hot, they have the power to create life, to start wars, conquer nations

this kindling should be easy to gather, bountiful in its occurrence
the kindling come from trust, honesty, transparency and communication when those things are kept from the relationship the fires of passion and love can be diminished when the fires of this relationship are extinguished by ambiguity, dishonesty and false hoods nothing can be salvaged from it.

what I thought was a fire of passion and love turned out to be a burning magnesium flare burning before my eyes, blinding me from seeing what was right in front of me, casting shadows of self doubt, diminishing self-esteem. Others around me told me that what I saw needed to be looked at from a different view. I didn't want to believe them, the light in my life was so wonderful to look at, gaze upon, watch and the warmth I felt when near the fire was comforting

It turns out this magnesium flare was ignited by one simple match this match burned me, left marks upon my soul, and once the flare burned its self out, I was able to see un-blinded, see that the kindling that was provided wasn't natural, wasn't pure. It was gathered from the sludge of dishonesty, ambiguity. this left what I thought was a good relationship in nothing but ashes

I have done what I thought necessary to keep the match from burning more than my soul, to protect my life, and what I have in my life. to protect my home, and what I have in my home. to protect my family, and those who know they are my friend.

Never again I say, never again...

_ID_

04-30-2007, 08:09 AM

A follow up to this...

If you would like to know specifics, I will tell you in private only. I know many of you followed this, and I want to again thank you for the efforts of trying to help where you could.

There are two interested parties that I am sure would be interested, though as I understand it, one of them is not able to frequent the forms. Due to this, I will allow his contact to pass that information along. Also from PM only.

_ID_

06-15-2007, 09:03 PM

just looking over this thread... what a great journaling of a deteriorating relationship. I hope to learn from all of it, so that I might not repeat the mistake of blindly trusting another.

tessa

06-16-2007, 06:39 PM

I smile, sadly of course, the way you say that, ID. "Blind trust" is such a complex idea for me to roll around in my mind. I know it's there to have, a gift just waiting to be opened. But most times, it just sits there, a prettily wrapped package that is purposefully overlooked. Does one tragic happening in life have to dictate what follows? I am asking for myself as much as anything, I do believe.

I hope you find cause to unwrap that particularly spectacular gift for yourself again one day.

~hugs~
tessa