Why am I so sensitive about this? [Archive]

View Full Version : Why am I so sensitive about this?

Mishka

11-12-2006, 09:00 PM

I'm sorry, a bit downer of a thread/question.

I mentioned in another thread that my sex life with my husband leaves much to be desired. We've been over it 100 times...more than that. He knows it's important to me, but he gets tired, or forgets, or just isn't paying attention because he's got something else on his mind. Yes, he does love me and I do love him...but he's left me crying and sobbing over the rejection. The oblivion to making a point to be together. (and yes, I've gone through it all, I'm not too bad at seduction, but if I've been working hard I don't always want to initiate, or ask, or [god forbid] beg.) I don't understand...why do I take it so hard? It's the way he is and nothing I say or do can change it. So why can't I just let it go?

Guest 91108

11-12-2006, 09:02 PM

I wish i could give you an honest opinion; but i feel biased. and my answer would not be helpful at this time.
so i wanted you to know that i had seen this post and openly commented.

Take care of yourself Mishka.
I am around if you need an ear .

OttifantSir

11-12-2006, 09:31 PM

At the same time this is nothing like my relationship, and then again, it is somewhat like my relationship. (I have had only one, and it's now a thing of the past)

My relationship was to a woman ten years my senior, almost to the day. She had three children (nothing much to do with the situation here, but giving an outline) and thus, she had had more sexual experience than me. (Nothing exceptional about that, as I was still a "virgin" at the time) But what I couldn't wrap my head around then, and still to this day, was how shy she was when having sex. She wanted the lights off, I wanted them on. As much for trying to find my way as for not being so shy. I wanted to try different locations, she mainly wanted it done in the bedroom. I wanted to use toys, she wouldn't have it.

I never got an answer, and probably never will. I can't offer you advice, just consolation in knowing you are not alone, though the circumstances are a bit different.

DrkRvn

11-12-2006, 09:41 PM

*hugs* I have been there too at one point.

learningtopleez

11-12-2006, 09:49 PM

Mishka

11-12-2006, 09:52 PM

Thank you for the replies, and the understanding.

We were such good christians when we met (now not) we waited until the wedding night. He a virgin, me with two other lovers. I should have paid attention in pre-marital counseling. He didn't think much about sex. He thought it was just icing on the cake and not as important as the rest. I saw it as the sugar in the cake. I thought once he had some he would want more and more. It would become just as important, after all, he was a virgin, he'd have a lifetime of exploration with me.

I can't shake the feeling that I'm the one who's selfish. Everything else is mostly fine. I like my life. We just aren't compatible sexually.

Mishka

11-12-2006, 09:55 PM

*huggles Mishka tightly* Oh hun, I'm so sorry that you are feeling so rejected. I can't tel you why your husband behaves this way, and you say the two of you have talked about it. But is he aware that he is causing you pain? Does he know that he has left you crying and sobbing because he is so oblivious? The men I have been with in my life don't forget or get too tired for sex, and I'm not saying that to brag hun....but men....well, they're men! (No offence guys of the forum!) And all men that I have ever known have sex on the brain. Constantly! And not just the men I have been with. It's like...well...it's what men do! It sounds like to me, that the two of you need to have a serious conversation Mishka....one in which you lay down some rules. And if he loves you, and I'm sure he does, then he will respond appropriately! If he doesn't....then you have a lot to think about regarding your relationship.

I wish you luck and much love sweetie!:)

Thanks so much. Yes, he knows. We almost seperated last year. We've had a hundred heart to hearts. He agrees, things are better for a week or two...then back to the same. I spoke with a lawyer when I was considering leaving, he said he's never heard of a man having that attitude towards sex. Most men would love a woman like me who had so much energy and so willing to explore. He thought either my husband was gay or having an affair. Honestly, it's neither. He's just a prude. And forgetful.

Guest 91108

11-12-2006, 09:58 PM

ok... i have to butt in again.........

I can't shake the feeling that I'm the one who's selfish. Everything else is mostly fine. I like my life. We just aren't compatible sexually.
that is the first mistake to assume self/one is the problem. i think if you stepped back and would look at the whole more objectively as i have suggested before, you'd see things aren't just " mostly fine" .

Lady, i have high respect for you and i have known you for some time.
so , it is from that perspective/knowledge that i am speaking .

star_catcher77

11-12-2006, 10:06 PM

that's a very unfortunate situation...and it sounds like you've already tried and tried...I don't think you're being selfish at all though. Personally, and as a psychologist, I do believe that sex is a large part of life, and how you react to sex has a lot to do with the way you want to live. You're obviously youthful and bursting at the seams with sexual energy, you want to do something with it...I would say that's healthy. As much as you love him, you do have to take care of yourself.

You have a very hard choice; to hurt this man, whom you genuinely love, or to live your life in a subdued, miserable state. I can empathize with how you feel...life without a sexual outlet is not only painful, but bland as well. The fact that you have to experience this from your husband really stirs something inside me. You do have a very hard choice...I have my own opinions as to this, but it really is your decision and you must make it whichever way you choose...but know this; you are definitely not being selfish. I hope you get this all sorted out

Love,
~star

Echoes

11-12-2006, 10:06 PM

Mishka

11-12-2006, 10:09 PM

i think if you stepped back and would look at the whole more objectively as i have suggested before, you'd see things aren't just " mostly fine" .

I try. In most scenarios, whether in my marriage or not, I tend to analyze with reasoning out both sides of the story and where I might be wrong. When I stick up for myself, I've gotten hurt. Not just with my husband. I know how to stand on my own two feet, I'm not a doormat. It's just hard to hurt people you love, and by continuing to have heart to hearts with him the more it hurts him. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. So when do you just accept it? (I'm stubborn, I don't easily)

Your empathy, from all of you, is very comforting.

Guest 91108

11-12-2006, 10:13 PM

I know you keep trying, you just have to decide ... one day.. that either he is making daily effort .. and showing it...
or that choice you don't want... that you have to make a conscious decision that even if it hurts him .. it does more damage to you and rest of family to not do....

star_catcher77

11-12-2006, 10:17 PM

I try. In most scenarios, whether in my marriage or not, I tend to analyze with reasoning out both sides of the story and where I might be wrong. When I stick up for myself, I've gotten hurt. Not just with my husband. I know how to stand on my own two feet, I'm not a doormat. It's just hard to hurt people you love, and by continuing to have heart to hearts with him the more it hurts him. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. So when do you just accept it? (I'm stubborn, I don't easily)

Your empathy, from all of you, is very comforting.
As I said Mishka, it is a very hard choice for you, and that's natural. Is he so important that you will sacrifice your peace of mind for him? The flip side is, are you going do something to help yourself? Doing something to prevent long-term damage to yourself is not selfish. But, no one here can make a decision about that. Why are you so sensitive? because it hurts....it's something important. You're not abnormal to hurt. I think it's safe to say that anyone here would be glad to lend you an ear if you ever need to talk.

Thinking good things about you,
~star

Guest 91108

11-12-2006, 10:22 PM

Bows out of the thread.
I feel i am too involved and too opinionated to be of much help.

OttifantSir

11-12-2006, 10:23 PM

I'd say you never should, but that's my intellectual opinion, and one I didn't follow myself when I was in my relationship. It finally took me four half liters of beer (a half liter is about a pint) and the combined knowledge of about 300 years of life-experience (a lot of parents and members of an extended family all in their forties to fifties) to make me realise my wrong-doing towards myself and the woman with which I had a relationship. We tried, as it seems you have tried with your husband, talking and talking and talking. But at some point, she would want to talk about everything, trying to analyze it to death for hours. Some of those chats I initiated, about eight or ten of them during a 10-month period, but she would start one almost everytime we met.

I am not saying communication isn't good, I simply say watch out for making communication into a nuisance. Then it will do none of you any good. And maybe at some point you will have to do like me, realise it's dead and cut your losses before your emotional scars get to big.

Please now, this is not meant as critique in any way. This is what I lived through, which to me seems to hold a lot in common with your situation. How you solve it will eventually depend on yourself.

Mishka

11-12-2006, 10:37 PM

I don't feel critiqued. I appreciate any and all input and advice.

I hear you, I really do.

Psynymph

11-12-2006, 10:52 PM

oh Mishka, darling, oh i know how you feel!!!!

i started a thread some time ago when i first joined this site about almost this same thing. i was married vanilla and not until the last year of our five year relationship did i discover my intense desire to be involved in the bdsm lifestyle. and well...my husband was just vanilla through and through.

for him...sex is just the bonus aspect of a good relationship. he'd have sex with me anytime i asked, but he had no desire really to "spice things up" so to say or to try some of the stuff i was interested in. such as spanking, choking, domination......he thinks the bdsm lifestyle is "fucked up".

but he just expected me to do without it. he can't understand why sex is such a big thing to me. i've flat out told him he doesnt please me in the bedroom anymore and he's just like oh well. but he doesnt want to divorce and he doesn't want an open relationship.

*sigh* it's very frustrating. you feel like it's your fault....because well.....he isn't really doing anything wrong. and it seems like it's your fault because it's your desires that are causing the conflict.

but it's not really anyone's fault, because it's just how we feel.

i'm still struggling with my relationship with my husband. because gawd knows i care about him....but how long can a relationship last where one isn't enjoying sex?

if you ever wanna talk or vent, please feel free to pm me.

xoxo!!!

phantasy_seeker

11-12-2006, 11:17 PM

I feel for you, Mishka, truly I do. I'm sure all women have had problems at one time or another regarding lack of attention or obliviousness(sp?) on the part of their men. Sometimes it just hurts so bad that you think 'I've tried to explain to him a hundred times how much it means to me and why and how much he hurts me, but why doesn't he seem to change at all? Does he even care about the fact that he's hurting me? There must be something I'm doing wrong!' And it goes on from there, at least for me.

In your case, it may be a little unusual since the attention that you lack is sexual attention. But I think the concept is the same: many men resist efforts to change them, in fact some resist it so much that the more you try, the worse it becomes. And often they don't want to admit their weaknesses, or seek help in changing even when they want to. He may be trying, and there may be a reason why he is failing but which he doesn't want to explain to you. I'm saying all this because I wanna tell you... don't blame it on yourself! It has nothing to do with YOU, it's normal to take it hard and it's normal to crave satisfaction from your partner.

And also, if telling him 100 times doesn't work, telling him 200 probably won't work either. For things to work out between the both of you, you have to make changes, most likely changes in your approach, or (as unfair as it may seem) in your expectations and needs. Of course, the other option is to make a drastic decision involving the BOTH of you. Personally, I would see that as the extreme, extreme last-ditch resort, but only you can decide.

I hope it'll work out. :)

DrkRvn

11-12-2006, 11:44 PM

I completely disagree phantasy seeker. As someone who has gone through something very similar it doesn't work to try and change yourself, because you are not the root of the problem.

Ozme52

11-12-2006, 11:46 PM

phantasy_seeker

11-13-2006, 12:07 AM

DrkRvn, I never did say that she was the root of the problems. In fact I did say that it was not her fault at all.

However, my advice wasn't based on the logic of 'fairness', but rather on what I felt might help her and bring her happiness. IMHO in relationships you have to give and take, and sometimes even give even when it is actually your turn to receive. Truly, if her spouse had posted here as well, I would have advised HIM to open his eyes to the hurt she was going through and make a much bigger effort to help her! But we can only advise her right now. And if trying several approaches fail, sometimes learning to accept and live with it can bring you greater peace and happiness than blaming yourself for his shortcomings. It is hard, but can be done to a certain degree. Think of all the positive sides of the relationship, the many good things it brings to you. And think, 'would I give up all that for this? is it worth it?' The answer MAY be yes, and it may be no. But either way it is a worthwhile option to consider.

DrkRvn

11-13-2006, 12:29 AM

I didn't mean you were saying she was the root. I meant it is the root of the problem that must be fixed. I just don't think you can just cover up what is wrong. The problem will still be there and even if you change it comes back to haunt you, because changing yourself, while maybe you don't think it aloud, it makes you feel more like you are responsible. I tired very hard to change myself, and it never worked, there was always the voice in the back of my head. There have been studies done on things like this. I had a very respected professor of socioligy of sexuality tell me that there was nothing I could do to change myself, because that is not how our bodies work. Unless you have depression or are sick it is very hard just to turn off your sex drive, and denying it can cause all sorts of mental and physical health problems.

vampyres{ID}

11-13-2006, 12:52 AM

What are your (the two of you together and individually) positions on extramarital relationships?

I know this is a sticky subject for many... but as a child of the sixties, I grew up in the 'free love' era and never saw anything wrong with it.

And for someone who loves a vanilla spouse, I see it as an extremely natural avenue for happiness without threatening the otherwise happy marriage.

Actually doing something like that has a chance of drawing a non interested partner into the mix, this is considering they agree to the first part. (One of those Ok I took this step I might try another things)

master 327-834-200

11-13-2006, 02:38 AM

I have just found this post and it rings so many bells with me. I would love to add my thoughts and feelings as I am in a situation like yours. A mis-match of sexual needs is one of the hardest problems to overcome.

I started my relationship with my wife thinking that the more we got to know each other the easier it would be to overcome these differences. After all we loved each other, had so much in common and had time on our side. But the truth is that I deceived myself and should have been stronger earlier for both our sakes. After a great deal of counselling and soul searching I started to realise that this was always going to make me unhappy and my unhappiness would always then be a barrier between us.

I doubt my words give you any encouragement and I am not sure that being in the midst of sorting this out for myself I would be a good person to advise you but I can say that I know exactly how you feel and the way you are torn between conflicting emotions. What I always struggled with and therefore suppressed was a feeling that to give in to these sexual urges must make me weak and less of a loving husband. I now realise that I was not in any way a freak and that we all have our differing needs. I would gladly join you in this thread to converse and share experiences if you just want to talk with someone who is going through these things.

_ID_

11-13-2006, 02:43 AM

Miska, when having sex, is it fulfilling for both you and him? Also, age and status of health may factor into it. Has he always been distant sexually or just now becoming this way? If its something recent (past 2 or 3 years), perhaps he is having an issue he doesn't feel comfortable discussing.

V/R
ID

Mishka

11-13-2006, 03:55 AM

What are your (the two of you together and individually) positions on extramarital relationships?

I never thought I would. I'm in an online relationship. I was offered a R/l offer several times, but at the time I felt "forsaking all others" was something I promised. Now, as time goes on, I'm tempted. It would end the marriage for him. He couldn't handle that.

Miska, when having sex, is it fulfilling for both you and him? Also, age and status of health may factor into it. Has he always been distant sexually or just now becoming this way? If its something recent (past 2 or 3 years), perhaps he is having an issue he doesn't feel comfortable discussing.

I have enjoyed sex with him for the most part. I love him so I focus on the good and I have a poor memory, so forgiving and forgetting happens a lot. He has always been very conservative and prudish about sex. When we were first married I grabbed the pillow above my head instead of his arms, he didn't understand why I had done that and thought it was weird. :confused: He wouldn't touch me between my legs for eight years. He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet". Note, I said tasted. Nothing he did could really be called oral sex. Better to have tried than not tried at all. That I have given up on. No sex during the week, we've only recently started doing it at night since the morning is so noisy. (by started I mean once)

Time has passed, he's explored a different position, he has sat down with me and talked about it. However, there was a time he was so incredibly angry with me for complaining about not getting enough he through a chair into the wall...several times. Yes, it was his anxiety and depression talking, there was other things he was upset about, but he took it out on me, it was scary. He doesn't ever want to do that again, he's very angry with himself for losing control. He has gotten angry that I bugged him so much about it. I haven't in a long time because of that. Every time I bring up the subject I get nervous.

Since our reconciliation he has made an excellent effort at trying to build the trust and be reassuring that he won't be losing his temper again. He admits he's prudish but definitely wants to relax about things. The damage is done. I would go a month at a time, craving to be touched and made love to. He didn't care. Age and medication has made things a bit better. But rejection, when I looked forward to it, when we had discussed it (with 3 kids we practically schedule it, which is fine with me), and he blows it off, forgets, is too tired, won't initiate [I'm the top in this relationship, but submission comes much more naturally]...when it happens at all I break down.

I'm sorry this is so long. I've tried to find outlets for my frustrations but rejection hurts any way you slice it. Sometimes I think there might be a purpose in marrying a man with barely a drive. As I get older I could have health problems...and I would be truly heartbroken if I couldn't care for my Lover.

There's enough reasons to stay. As I said, our family works and works well. 1) I would love to have a more open outlet. 2) I wish I could accept that this is the way it is. He can't change me and I can't change him. Maybe it hurt this time because it was a promise broken, he said he would make more effort and didn't.

I need to shut up, I'm just going on and on.

You've all been very helpful.

master 327-834-200

11-13-2006, 04:05 AM

There's enough reasons to stay. As I said, our family works and works well. 1) I would love to have a more open outlet. 2) I wish I could accept that this is the way it is. He can't change me and I can't change him. Maybe it hurt this time because it was a promise broken, he said he would make more effort and didn't.

This speaks volumes to me and I think says a lot about how you feel. I wonder if you are truly being honest with yourself or like me deceiving yourself.

Mishka

11-13-2006, 04:16 AM

But you haven't left yet?
Do you have kids?
Do other things work?
If that means we're deceiving ourselves...well...I'm speechless. Yet again I go back and forth on what to do, if anything, to even bother, etc.

master 327-834-200

11-13-2006, 04:20 AM

I haven't, yet, but you catch me on a day when my future will be decided. I do have kids and I love them without reserve. Other things work perfectly and always have done. The thing for me though is this other thing keeps coming up and no matter what we do to resolve it, it never really changes. Do we bother? What do we do? Each of us has to make our own decisions. But everyone in this world has the right to be happy.

moptop

11-13-2006, 04:30 AM

Thanks so much. Yes, he knows. We almost seperated last year. We've had a hundred heart to hearts. He agrees, things are better for a week or two...then back to the same. I spoke with a lawyer when I was considering leaving, he said he's never heard of a man having that attitude towards sex. Most men would love a woman like me who had so much energy and so willing to explore. He thought either my husband was gay or having an affair. Honestly, it's neither. He's just a prude. And forgetful.

Mishka, I have just recently ended a relationship of 6 years. During the last 12-18 months, we had had no sex at all. During the previous years, it had reduced rapidly from the moment we started liviing together, no more than 4-6 times a year (previously it had been at least frequent). We are still living together - still sleeping in the same bed, since it makes no difference - but are separated. As it happens, I am now in the start of a r/l BDSM relationship.

I have been through many, many negative feelings because of this: why doesn't he want to, what's wrong with me, I must be so unattractive, I must be doing it wrong, etc etc. Eventually I realised - having tried many times to talk to him and coax him and seduce him and cajole him and tease him, you name it, including trying to get him to go to counselling with me - that it wasn't me. I wanted sex, I was open and willing to talk and to try to change and learn so as to please him. He just would not open up. I did not discuss it generally because it was after all private between the two of us, but in the end I was so desperate, I had to talk to someone A dear friend of mine just snorted and said "Oh come on - life's too short!"

It takes two: you cannot do all the running; you have the right to be fulfilled and happy. So does he, of course: but you both also have responsibility for yourselves and for your own lives. You are making an effort to improve it: he is not. That is not your fault!

No-one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I know what my choice was eventually, but that is not to say that is the right path for you. I really hope you manage to solve it and find happiness and fulfilment, one way or another.

master 327-834-200

11-13-2006, 04:34 AM

Mishka, I have just recently ended a relationship of 6 years. During the last 12-18 months, we had had no sex at all. During the previous years, it had reduced rapidly from the moment we started liviing together, no more than 4-6 times a year (previously it had been at least frequent). We are still living together - still sleeping in the same bed, since it makes no difference - but are separated. As it happens, I am now in the start of a r/l BDSM relationship.

I have been through many, many negative feelings because of this: why doesn't he want to, what's wrong with me, I must be so unattractive, I must be doing it wrong, etc etc. Eventually I realised - having tried many times to talk to him and coax him and seduce him and cajole him and tease him, you name it, including trying to get him to go to counselling with me - that it wasn't me. I wanted sex, I was open and willing to talk and to try to change and learn so as to please him. He just would not open up. I did not discuss it generally because it was after all private between the two of us, but in the end I was so desperate, I had to talk to someone A dear friend of mine just snorted and said "Oh come on - life's too short!"

It takes two: you cannot do all the running; you have the right to be fulfilled and happy. So does he, of course: but you both also have responsibility for yourselves and for your own lives. You are making an effort to improve it: he is not. That is not your fault!

No-one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I know what my choice was eventually, but that is not to say that is the right path for you. I really hope you manage to solve it and find happiness and fulfilment, one way or another.

Great advice that it has taken me over 20 years to accept. I hope other people do not wait as long as I did and allow things to get so complicated.

moptop

11-13-2006, 04:47 AM

Oh, post script: having been learning a lot about myself and others here, I have come to the conclusion that he is a sub. I won't go into the details of why I believe this, but I am firmly convinced of it. It is therefore impossible for us to reach compatibility since I am principally a sub.

Have you considered this as a possiblity within your relationship? He might be battling very hard against what he thinks of as 'unnatural urges'. That wouldn't help you to resolve your sexual situation, but it might help him to find out what fulfils him, and you might at least end up with two people who have found and accepted their natural inclination and are happy with it.

Probably not very helpful... sorry.

_ID_

11-13-2006, 05:21 AM

You mention the sex doesn't interest him. What does, what does he get excited about. If he likes sports, try being his cheerleader, if he likes cars, be his groupie. If he likes home improvement, perhaps you can ask him to build some bedroom accessories....

What I am getting at. If he doesn't see sex as a motivator, find what does motivate, and make it sexual.

Don't know if that helps or not.

V/R
ID

learningtopleez

11-13-2006, 12:36 PM

However, there was a time he was so incredibly angry with me for complaining about not getting enough he through a chair into the wall...several times. Yes, it was his anxiety and depression talking, there was other things he was upset about, but he took it out on me, it was scary. He doesn't ever want to do that again, he's very angry with himself for losing control. He has gotten angry that I bugged him so much about it. I haven't in a long time because of that. Every time I bring up the subject I get nervous.

See, now this scares me! He can be frustrated and angry and pissed off all he wants, but throwing a chair into the wall....several times, and taking it out on you is just plain wrong! And all because you wanted sex?????? Mishka hun, you should be able to say anything to him without the fear of him throwing a chair, or taking out his frustration on you! Him losing control that way is a huge problem, and it worries me that it could become physical. I was in a relationship with a man (not the ex hubby) who got angry and took out his frustrations on me. We had been together for 2 1/2 years and I had known him for twenty years when we got together, and I never in a million years thought he would hit me, but he did. He hit me twice that night, but I managed to get away. I had him arrested and put in jail the same night, and while he was in jail, I had all of my belongings packed up on a moving van and taken to storage. And I had to go threw lots of court BS, but I did it, because he was WRONG! Never, never take your husband losing control that way lightly. Take care of you and your kids first and foremost. I am not saying he has abused you in any way. But the two of you should be able to sit and have a conversation about your lives without throwing freakin' chairs or without you feeling nervous to even broach the subject! Sorry for ranting on and on about this, but it is a subject that touches a nerve with me! Guess you can tell by all this talk!:o

Now on to another part of your post!:)

He wouldn't touch me between my legs for eight years. He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet". Note, I said tasted. Nothing he did could really be called oral sex. Better to have tried than not tried at all. That I have given up on. No sex during the week, we've only recently started doing it at night since the morning is so noisy. (by started I mean once)

OH

MY

GOD!

NO ORAL?? Dear God I would die! And after twelve years he STILL "isn't there yet?" And it took him 8 years to even touch your pussy? *faints....thud* He must be very prudish, but one would think after so many years that the man would want to at least give it a try! It just boggles the mind, I tell ya! I'm not trying to be crude Mishka....I guess it's just hard for me to wrap my brain around.:confused:

With my ex hubby, well he wasn't the kind of man your husband is. Sex was not our downfall. Although he was a very "routine" kinda guy. We always did the same thing everytime, with very little variation, when it came to sex. But he was a very opinionated man, and his opinion was always correct in his eyes. We had been married for 14 years when I left him the first time. My kids were 13 and 11. I talked to them first and gave them the option of staying with their Dad or coming with me. I also made sure they understood that my reasons for leaving had nothing to do with them. They chose to stay with their Dad. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but I knew I couldn't live like I had been living anymore. After being assaulted by the ex assaulter, my hubby invited me to move back in so I would be safe. Yes, he is a wonderful man!:) We tried again, but we had grown apart, and I had hurt him badly, and didn't want to do that again. We talked, and decided that when I found a place to live I would move out again. And I did. My kids stayed behind again, but amazingly enough, have handled their Mom's comings and goings rather well. I love my kids, and I still love my husband, but he and I do not get along living in the same house. We do however get along great now! He would do anything for me, and I would for him as well. So why am I baring my soul, and telling things about myself that aren't so pretty? Because sometimes it helps others to know that they aren't alone, and that even when you love someone, sometimes it just isn't meant to be. Blaming yourself gets you nowhere. Make the decision that you and what you want in life are the most important things (other than your kids....that's a tough one), and do what you....just you can live with.

I wish you love, luck, and much happiness!:)

DrkRvn

11-13-2006, 12:52 PM

If he suffers from depression and anxiety that could be a big part of the problem. It was depression that caused my husband to act the way he did, and he was the only one who could change that, either through medication or one day he just snapped out of it. It just happened to work out that I had to leave for two months for a job in another town and when I came back he was better, but there was a "get yourself better or else" involved, and if he hadn't been better when I came back i would have gone through with the or else part. I didn't want there to be, but I got to a point where I couldn't deal with it anymore.

There are several options. Here are some of the things we tried, they didn't all really work well, but that was us, this is you, they could work. Some are more extreme than others, its just a matter of your level of frustration.

*Have you tried a counselor or psychiatric help?I would suggest couples and individual counseling.
*Try setting aside a period of time each week where you just snuggle and make out and see what happens. Make it a time where you to can just relax get comfortable.
* if he doesn't already know that you are having and online relationship let him know.
*Try sending dirty emails to him or leaving notes in the morning about what you will do to him when he gets home adn see if you start the arousal factor in the morning and he has to anticipate it all day, if that helps get him going alittle more.
*When he doesn't feel like having sex, lay down in bed and masterbate loudy. this may arouse him. and then its your choice if he does get aroused you can either let him join you for fun or tell him no and let him feel the same denial factor you feel everyday.(thats the spiteful way, which i did once when I was really pissed off)
*As someone suggested before discuss the option of and open marriage, sometimes something that is that drastic is enough to get them to wake up.
*short term separation, if there is anyway for you to take a month "vactaion" and go stay with a friend or family member. Removing yourself from the situation can cause you to have clarity and it can again jolt him into waking up and realizing that if he doesn't do somethign he might really loose you.

Jadetiger

11-13-2006, 01:19 PM

~mishka,
When I read your words I couldn’t help but cry. It reminded me so much of the pain I lived with for so many years. I wish I had magic words to make it all better but I don’t. For me it became about s3elf survival. Years for living like that was making me die inside. I was shutting down emotionally and physically and I made the decision to move on and live. All I know is you can’t make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Either he will listen to you and decide that he cares enough to make you a priority in his life or he will decide to stay the way he is.

I would suggest marriage consulting. Unfortunately too many years had passed for us and my ex didn’t want to do it unless I promised to stay. I don’t make promises like that. I was all ready feeling trapped and when he said that I knew he wouldn’t change.

My heart goes out to you both but I am concerned about his anger and violence. That is a very bad sigh. He needs help so he can express himself appropriately and before he escalates to more than just the wall.

Be safe and take care of yourself.

Jade

lily27

11-13-2006, 06:28 PM

Mishka, you mention your husband is on medication. Anti-depressants?

Many anti-depressants completely suppress sex-drive. That may explain his complete non-interest. The first think I would do is send him off to the doctor to have a chat. There are some new medications that don't have this side effect.

Mishka

11-13-2006, 09:26 PM

His prudishness has always been there. He has been off and on different meds, most recently paxil. The anti-depressants make it worse but aren't the cause.

I think you have all banged it into my head that this isn't my fault, or me being selfish, or something to feel terrible for needing.

My tough choice is to stay, because for my kids, I will fight for my family. I truly have tried everything that can be tried, except:
1) Masturbating in front of him and not letting him do anything
2) Asking for extra-marital um...

A sex therapist would probably be the best medicine.
Tonight I was pretty fiesty with him for dropping the ball, no easy way out of it.

oy - this is going to be a long haul. But as I said, your empathy is appreciated and just being reassured that I'm not to blame.

star_catcher77

11-13-2006, 11:56 PM

Hope it turns out okay for you, because you deserve it.

on a brighter note, love your new avatar...is it a picture of yourself? whoever it is, she's positively delicious :)

~star

Mishka

11-14-2006, 11:55 AM

Thank you *blush* it's me :)

Guest 91108

11-14-2006, 12:12 PM

( gives a small smile escaping )

TomOfSweden

11-14-2006, 12:55 PM

He has briefly tasted me between my legs (about 3 times in 12 years) but as he says "he isn't there yet".

12 years!!! Maybe that guy just isn't for you and never was? If he hasn't come around to give you a good time in bed after 12 years of marriage then maybe you're just not each others types? Sometimes seeing the ugly reality of a relationship is one nasty and painful truth.

Time to move on perhaps? There's no extra points for being in long relationships that aren't working. I've done it and I'm never going to do it again. Compromises is one thing, but sacrificing something that is important for you isn't compromising, it's dying a little every day.

Life is short.

edit: Divorce isn't half as bad for kids as seeing the parents in a shity relationship. Never forget that they're likely to copy all your misstakes in life. You're a role-model for them. What kind of life would you like them to live? Being security addicts or taking some chances in life?

edit2: Never forget that it is his responsibility to make a conscious effort in solving his problems and hang-ups. He is commited to making you happy isn't he? If he isn't or doesn't even understand, then you should definitely move on.

orchidsoul

11-14-2006, 05:58 PM

Hi Mishka,

First off, my heart goes out to you.

By now, everyone has said pretty much what I was going to say... except for one thing which I'll get to.

Earlier on you mentioned everything is great except sexual compatibility. I'm a firm believer that that's very important. It's ok to be varied, and life can't always match our desires possibly creating some dry spells... but to be so completely unmatched sexually is difficult if one person has a strong libido. I remember after a break up with one man that I loved so deeply, would have spent my life with... through my tears I sort of comforted myself with the fact that at least the rest of my life wouldn't be that sex life. Don't get me wrong- it was ok, but I knew it would always be fairly straight forward and our libidos didn't match completely. I realized that day how important sexual compatibility is.

It sounds as if the anti-depressants only heighten what already exists. I would suggest a sex counselor as opposed to just couples counciling. The thought that he may be submissive crossed my mind, but when I read the part about 8 Years before he tasted your sex, what crossed my mind is perhaps he's homosexual. I don't say that in any judgement, and perhaps I'm far too sexual to understand prudish to the point of not being able to put my tongue on my spouses most intimate of places... but that's what crossed my mind. Perhaps I'm way off base and I apologize- hope no offense is taken.

I think ID has some good ideas of how to spice things up, and Master 327 has a good point about talking too much about a topic. If it's discussed too much that you're unsatisfied, your husband may be fearful to try (though it doesn't sound like he's tried to much in the past). This is in no way your fault- just two mismatched libidos- but perhaps not discussing it and acting upon it (counceling, masterbation with no participation on his part, special make out time with no pressure for sex, sexy outfits, etc) could help a little.

I really think he needs a sex therapist though- imho there's something more to this than prudish... there has to be.

Good luck and very hot av!

"Compromises is one thing, but sacrificing something that is important for you isn't compromising, it's dying a little every day. "
well said Tom.

master 327-834-200

11-14-2006, 07:24 PM

A sex therapist would probably be the best medicine.

Having been there I know the very well trained ones can be excellent and I would encourage you to go but be warned like any therapy you will both have to be prepared to put the work in. If there is an underlying reason for his 'prudishness' they may be able to help confront it and bring it out in the open, but you must be prepared, there may not be a 'cure'.

Mishka

11-14-2006, 09:02 PM

I'm not looking for a cure...just effort. Trying goes a long way with me.

I have talked too much in the past about it, I'm hardly an angel. But I've been learning and changing the bad habits.

what crossed my mind is perhaps he's homosexual. I don't say that in any judgement, and perhaps I'm far too sexual to understand prudish to the point of not being able to put my tongue on my spouses most intimate of places... but that's what crossed my mind. Perhaps I'm way off base and I apologize- hope no offense is taken.

Absolutely none taken. If that were the case I'd want him to be happy. But honest, it's prudishness. He's very much pro-gay rights, but seeing two men together does nothing for him...nor two women either. Porn does nothing for him, while we're on the subject. He was raised by a conservative, loving mother and his parents were both very uptight, anxious people. He's relaxed compared to most of his family!

We have our ups and downs. I try to make the very most of the ups. Naturally, the downs come and so do the tears. I'm just glad I have supportive, understanding people to talk to. It brings back the focus of what I need to be doing, and not letting me stay in self-pity for too long. This was very strengthening.

wolfs_lilgirl

12-08-2006, 11:41 AM

not with the expirience but.... hugs!!!

Stone

12-18-2006, 05:08 PM

Ok i will bare my soul on this one cause this sounds serious enough to do so.i will start out saying i have allways been a dom and didnt relise it.so now lets talk about my relationship my health my life the allmost failure of my marrage and the saving of it lol.i was in a bad relationship and got out of it at the time i was in a gaming clan playing unreal tournament and such.my now wife was a fellow member and had known each other for about a year or so no romantic involvement.We were bothing going through a big pile of shit we both had created for ourselves in our relationships. Both of our relationships came to an end around the same time.We both relised that we had an intrest in eachother cause we would talk to eachother about how shitty our relationships were.I took the first step and told her that i had feelings for her so we decided to meet in person which involved airlines and vacation time. i was living in florida she in cali.So i picked thanksgiving week which was like crazy i had too meet her whole family and there was some anxioty about meeting her dad and such (i am 10 years older than she)but anyways sparks flew and we were in love.She is a very intelligent strong independent woman and a feminist so i went vanilla for fear of scaring her.plus i did not think she was a sub because of her being a feminist and such.i considered her my equal so i treated her as such.not that i treat her bad now its i did not think she was into the d/s thing.we got married and everything was going good.then i went for a full check up at the doctor and got bad news doc heard a heart mumor though it might be a sloppy vaulve so went and saw a cardiologist and turn out i have a rare and very deadly heart condition.So as you can imagine that is a big blow to take but there is more.I had a funny hormone reading on a blood test that could be a sign of a tumour on the pitutatary gland....and of course it was....not cancer but its therewhile all of this was going on ohh i didnt mention this i have a daughter with my previous bitch and that is not a term of enderment but my daughter was out of control i am 3000 miles away and could do little or nothing she attempted suicide while on the phone with me so i had to call the local cops and get them there ect....so they save her take her too be taken care of ect....while there her mom gets her to say and i dont know how that i was abusive towards her and files a huge report about how i abused her beat her all kinds of bullshit.So i get a letter from that police dept.most of it wwas to have taken place over 10 years before so they cant do anything even if i did do it but they have to investigate it so i call them and tell them its bs pure and simple.Now her mom is all over me calling me all the time ect....i go to my local police a freind of the family is the head of the child abuse unit and i tell him the situtation and he advises me to get a lawyer and to break all contct with them both.so i do so.with my health and basically having to cut my daughter off i went into a serious depression.i stopped wanting sex i became really withdrawn.my whole life i have had trouble with depression but this was alot to deal with.my relationship with my wife was sprialing out of control.we both are the best of friends but i was in so much pain that i lost sight of whats important in life.i kept sliding down and down but i would have some ups that would be short lived.It got to the point where we were pretty much roomates.one day i happened to be home we were watching montel or someone and they were talking about bi-polarism depression i had like all the signs but we kinda poo pooed it off. mean while i am sinking further and further down thinking about suicide feeling worthless feeling like no one should love me feeling not good enough to be with my wife.My wife finally snapped and had had enough she threaten to leave if i didnt see the doctor so i made an appointment.the appointment was like in 2 weeks its alot of time to wait but its that way when you have a good doc.3 days before the appointment my wife brokedown she wanted it to be over she gave me my ring back and left...now i had pretty much hit rock bottom during the week cause i had started expressing how i felt to her all my feelinga i hid how depressed how i felt suicidal ( i can remember one day i dont know what set it off but i just happened to see one of my guns laying around and the urge was so strong to pick it up and end it it scared the shit out of me) well ill admit when she left i allmost did it again but had another plan that involved righting some wrongs in my life......i was packing up enough of my shit too look like i was leaving....all i was really interested in was my guns and ammo and getting addresses and such to carry out my plans(i know all this is really scarey but i want you to understand it) her dad heard about what was going on and came and talked to me while i was "packing" he stopped and taslked to me like i was his son he treated me like i was his son he broke down infront of me which was hard for me to see her dad has to be the toughest man i have met in my life.He gave me some advise and told me to fight for what i wanted to be honest to not run away and take the cowards way out and to not make rash decisions.so i sat and thought and called my wife.she came back home and we talk alittle but both of us where kinda exausted and she had to go to work but she wanted to know what i would do to "fix" us and told me that when she got home she wanted to know.So i sat and thought about it got out some paper and thought about what all i needed to do i ended up with 5 pages of shit i needed to do and stuff i needed from her.when she got home i read it all to her i wont go into details unless you really want to know.She agreed with me on all of it.then she told me that she had been dening herself on some things.she told me that she had been putting alot of pressure on me to "fix" things without telling me the problems.She told me that she was interested in the d/s lifestyle and wanted to be submissive to me to have me punish her and to be called dirty names and such.I will admit i was in shock in a way,but my cock was hard is all i know...so that night we had alot of fun and experimented.the next day was the doctors appointment told them i wanted treatment for depression the gave me 3 questionares to fill out.they showed i had alot of depression and anxioty. He dianosed me with bi-polar disorder.which head shrinker agreed with so i started taking meds for it..but in the mean time my wife and i are like newly weds my cock is either in her cunt ass or mounth on a daily basis or all or several times a day hehe....we have developed an honest and open policy we dont hide our hidden little things we share what we want sexually and such and discuss weather or not we are comfortible with it.we have yet to find our limits but we do have some rules.we both take our marrage vowes seriuosly but have discussed bringing others in (a woman) but we are not at that point yet we are enjoying eachother too much right now.alot of this story could have been avoided if we both would have been honest and tried to be something we both were not,but as you can see life can knock you down its how you pick yourself up and carry on that counts

Widget

01-05-2007, 10:36 PM

I'm not looking for a cure...just effort. Trying goes a long way with me.

I have talked too much in the past about it, I'm hardly an angel. But I've been learning and changing the bad habits.

Absolutely none taken. If that were the case I'd want him to be happy. But honest, it's prudishness. He's very much pro-gay rights, but seeing two men together does nothing for him...nor two women either. Porn does nothing for him, while we're on the subject. He was raised by a conservative, loving mother and his parents were both very uptight, anxious people. He's relaxed compared to most of his family!

We have our ups and downs. I try to make the very most of the ups. Naturally, the downs come and so do the tears. I'm just glad I have supportive, understanding people to talk to. It brings back the focus of what I need to be doing, and not letting me stay in self-pity for too long. This was very strengthening.

Mishka, My heart goes out to you because I have been there too. I won't get into the details but I was treated that way by my ex and the damage it did to my self esteem was horrible. Its not your fault, don't forget that ever.

I hope things work out for you and you sound like you have gotten a second wind. But no matter what you need to remember that likely whatever issues are at hand for him, they were there before you and will be there if you leave him. They are his issues not yours, and you need to feel loved and sexual and there is nothing wrong with that. Everyone needs that.

Good luck

tainted Angel

01-06-2007, 05:05 AM

*Hugs Mishka*

It is the worst feeling in the world to feel like you are invisible and that your prouncing around trying to get noticed and he is not looking or caring.

I would like to add though that not all men always have sex on the brain, there are some men out there who really don't and two people with very different sex drives is difficult at the best of times.

The pep talk though it is not your fault babe, there is nothing wrong with you, you are not unsexy or a monster or any of the millian other things that cross your mind when again you have been rejected.

I do not see how any husband who cares about their partner and their marriage could allow this to continue without at least trying for a compramise. I'm not simply talking about physically but emotionally it is so much harder to recover from.

I hope that you can find a way to talk, scream or whatever and show him that the icing on the cake for him emotionally is probably the thing that is pushing you closer and closer to the ink on the divorce papers.

I hope that didn't sound harsh. Love to you Mishka, hold your head high and never forget that you are beautiful.

Guest 91108

01-06-2007, 07:00 AM

that is what i have been telling her; but she is sooo hardheaded. Grins.

tainted Angel

01-06-2007, 07:15 AM

Sometimes you need to hear it from the unbiased *grins* and the outsider! Reaching out here IMO says two things, the place that you are at in your own mind is that where you feel strong enough to share and deal with resonses, which leads into my second part which would be you probably know the truth/answer/core deep down, have been told it but need some outside reasurance to solidify that.