Total newbie (Help me please!)

[dynamicbuttler]

Hi. I'm honestly in that "coming out of that closet" phase about the whole BDSM thing (not to others but to myself). This is my first post and introduction. I realize there was an introduction thread, but it seemed incredibly crowded. :( I basically want to know some things about dom/sub relationships, because I'm utterly new to this.
1) I've been told that male subs (like me) FAR outnumber dominatrixes. Of course, this is a TOTAL bummer, because it sounds almost as though I'll never be able to get with a dominant woman. In the rare event that I do, however, where do I meet such women, besides online? Is it totally unlikely that I'll meet one "the normal way"? Do bdsm people like congregate at certain locations?
2) Are BDSM relationships often loving, regular relationships aside from the wierd fettish thing, or is it generally only sexual? I've often fantasized about a dominant, strict yet loving female partner. Does this happen?
3) Can a guy be a good submissive without wearing a gay looking leather suit?
4) Are there dommes that prefer brute force/heavy beatings over weird torture devices, electric shock, nipple torture, etc.?
5) If a domme breaks you, beats you or tortures you to tears (not that id plan on crying) is that a date ruiner or a turn on?

I realize that some of these questions are flat out stupid, but there's only one way to learn: By asking around. Sorry if I sound stiff or nasty- it's just that I'm admitting all these desires to myself against society's standards and I feel a bit awkward. (I'll feel better if you guys are cool) Thanks alot for any feedback.

[vistana]

I can't advise you on all of these, not having too high an interest in what the Dommes get up to myself, but first off, welcome to the forums! We are a friendly bunch, we're definitely cool :D

2) hell yes!
3) yes again
5) turn on! in my books anyways... your mileage will vary. And there's nothing wrong with being reduced to a sobbing ball of pain. I hear the Domly types like our tears :)

one thing I'm sure you'll be told many many times is that there's no one right way to do things. If it feels good do it. Even if it's not what most people are doing, if you like it then it's the right thing for you.
Enjoy! All this kinky stuff? It's one hell of a good time.

[Ozme52]

1) I've been told that male subs (like me) FAR outnumber dominatrixes. Of course, this is a TOTAL bummer, because it sounds almost as though I'll never be able to get with a dominant woman. In the rare event that I do, however, where do I meet such women, besides online? Is it totally unlikely that I'll meet one "the normal way"? Do bdsm people like congregate at certain locations?
2) Are BDSM relationships often loving, regular relationships aside from the wierd fettish thing, or is it generally only sexual? I've often fantasized about a dominant, strict yet loving female partner. Does this happen?
3) Can a guy be a good submissive without wearing a gay looking leather suit?
4) Are there dommes that prefer brute force/heavy beatings over weird torture devices, electric shock, nipple torture, etc.?
5) If a domme breaks you, beats you or tortures you to tears (not that id plan on crying) is that a date ruiner or a turn on?

I realize that some of these questions are flat out stupid, but there's only one way to learn: By asking around. Sorry if I sound stiff or nasty- it's just that I'm admitting all these desires to myself against society's standards and I feel a bit awkward. (I'll feel better if you guys are cool) Thanks alot for any feedback.


1) That actually seems to be the norm for all subs, male and female. You outnumber your opposites about 10-1. But don't dispair. The journey is as enjoyable as the destination.

One good place to start is a "munch." It's a social (non-play) opportunity to meet like-minded people and begin networking. Look Here For Local Opportunities. (http://www.darkheart.com/usalist.html)

2) Both. But if you find the right Dom/me, you'll feel very loved. We tend to care for our submissives very much.

3) Not my baliwick, but I would be surprised if there weren't plenty of non-leather opportunities... and if worn privately for your mistress, in what way would that be gay. I wear leather and my submissive girl in no way sees me as gay. LOL

4) Again, there are a wide gamut of interests.

5) Again, not my specific baliwick but if dommes are like doms, yeah, they'll love that.

As to your closing comments, you've found the right place. None of your questions are flat or stupid, nor do you sound stiff or nasty. And as far as being against societal standards, it's all relative. There are hundreds of magazines, films, and toys published and made, and trust me... they don't do it for your sole pleasure, (the one and only kinky person in world.)

Welcome to the forums.

[moptop]

Hi, dynamicbuttler - very interesting name! I do hope that some Dommes answer this thread - they are around! I'm not going to attempt to answer your questions, because I agree totally with what has already been said, but you are definitely in the right place here! there is loads to learn just from reading, people are incredibly friendly and helpful, you can always ask questions and no-one minds. There is no right or wrong way, just the way that works for you and whoever you're with. (always not forgetting safe, sane, consensual).

Good luck in your search, and enjoy yourself here! It really is a fun place, as well as so useful, great to find a community of people you just fit in with.

[TomOfSweden]

Oz said it all. I just wanted to say good luck with that. You can meet Ms Right anywhere. I've met all my slaves the "normal" way. ie never in any BDSM setting or on-line. It's totaly doable. I'm good at spoting a submissive a mile away in any setting. I've even met one of my slaves at a buss-stop. Just be as open about it as is practical in the setting and drop a million clues. You'll get an eye for it in due time. You are after all a "total newbie".

And don't fall for any myths about how submissives should be. You should be just as submissive as you feel like. Just be you. That's what all Dommes will want anyway. Because if you adapt too much niether of you will feel comfortable in the relationship for any length of time.

If a gay leather outfit doesn't turn you on, I recomend something else that does.

[Jadetiger]

1)Yes I am afraid it is a fact of life, but do not be discourage. There are many places you can go to try and locate a partner. Local clubs are probably the best place but if you don’t have nay then a place like ALT.com is nice. I found my real time subs there.

2)Smiles. Yes the relationship can be extremely caring, loving and even non-sexual in some cases. I am not into 24/7 play. I do many things with my subs other than fetish stuff. We go to dinner, watch movies, go shopping and even hang out with my family.

3)Grins, I think guys in a nice tight part of leather pants are quite hot. No I don’t think everyone requires leather as clothing but never say never. If it happens to be something that turns your domme into a hungry cat ready to devoir you. You may want to push that button. Smiles

4)I think just like any where else you will find all kinds of dominants with different needs. Heavy beatings may turn on some but I am afraid I couldn’t get into it unless the sub could. I love whipping, flogging and paddling but I also like my toys as well. The key for me is the interaction. I feed off of the submissive responses as they feed off mine. Not all subs are the same so not all interactions are the same.

5)For one a domme should not be doing any of those things unless you have agreed to go there with her. This is not about forcing you. This is about you both going somewhere together. If this is a fantasy of yours. I would thread very slowly taken you there. My sub Jeff just mentioned Dacryphilia (Arousal from Tears) to me. Could I take him there probably but we have a lot to talk about first.

The questions are not stupid and I think they where extremely good ones.

Jade