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[lily27]

I can't quite decide if I am satisfied with this one yet or not. But I have been encouraged to post it anyway....

Constructive feedback is always welcomed.....

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her breasts heave
as the sobs escape her lips,
her back arches
as she struggles
against invisible bonds.

her breath rasps
as she pleads
for an end to the torment,
begging for permission
to fall into
the abyss.

her exhilaration,
concealed
behind pained expressions,
betrayed
only by the curl
of her toes.

[Sir_G]

Well I'm biased but I think this is a great poem. It evokes powerful images as I read and makes me wish I was there!

[TheDeSade]

[I]Ibetrayed
only by the curl
of her toes.

THis is the part I really like. . . . grins. . . . . the whole poem is great, but I love the image this leaves with me. . . .

[lily27]

Thanks TDS, I really like that image as well....in fact, it is where I began.

I am still....not quite satisfied....with the rest.

-lily

[Timberwolf]

The imagery is quite interesting.

Making you plead for the end. That must have taken some doing. ;) :rose:

[elyse]

i like the poem, lily, especially that final image.

i do understand the feeling of being less than completely satisfied with a poem, though. I find it helps me to put the piece aside for a while, revisiting it later, comparing it to poems with which i am happy, to see where the perceived flaw, if any, might lie.

the only possible (and very minor) structural imbalance i see is that the first two stanzas are complete grammatical sentences, while the final stanza is not. Could that possibly be what is troubling you?

[Panplayer]

The final part was truly elegant.

[pixie_dust]

It's wonderful, IMO. One almost feels as though they are there (especially with the ending)!

[lily27]

Thanks to everyone for their kind words (belated, I realize)!!