Serious bondage issues

[dynamicbuttler]

I have some serious, serious bondage issues. The thing is, I'm a submissive and I'm REALLY into getting beaten, violated, emasculated, humiliated, etc. but I've come across a problem with being tied/bonded... It all started when I had a bad bondage-style experience I'm not gonna talk about. shortly after, I met my gf. She unfortunately is not a dom, but one day she did cuff me cause she knows im into this stuff.
she started sucking me and i started getting all shaky and disturbed and upset and finally i cummed into her mouth and she undid the cuffs... im kind of ashamed to admit it but i locked myself in the bathroom and cried a little for a few minutes... i didnt know what the fuck happened and i was like traumatized. Of course, I'm never gona make her do that to me again because she was totally weirded out by my reaction... but for future girlfriends, especially doms...
Is there any way to get over an issue like this? Any way to train yourself? I've been into this submissive shit forever and i refuse to give up on it, but i dont know what the fuck to do if this is gonna happen to me every time.

[elyse]

there are others here with actual credentials here who will know more than i, but i have struggled with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and this sounds *soooo* familiar.

I am working through my PTSD with the help of a counselor. You may not want to talk about your bad experience here, but i suspect you will eventually need to discuss it with someone in order to work through it and reclaim that part of your life.

hugs,
elyse

[Guest 91108]

I have the same thing with being restrained in any fashion i go nuts and get "violent mean" have been told it "survival mode on" after my own PTSD event.

shudders and not merely words...

Oh wow....
i hope you are willing to seek help.
I hope a counselor could work for you. I'd suggest that route before letting yourself be subjected again..
failed me.
JMTs.. but somethings can't be corrected P.H.O.

[dynamicbuttler]

Fuck doctors up their sadistic assholes I ain't getting a councelor or a therapist, but thanks for tryin to help. The only sadistic wierdo i want anywhere near me is a girl with a whip

[DrkRvn]

perhaps if you meet the right Domme it could be somethign the two of you could work on over coming together? I am not sure how exactly but like do the whole restraining thing slowly adn with rules and stuff until you feel more comfortable... I am not sure it would work, but its a thought...Obviously there would have to be trust and understanding adn the wiill to want to over come it on both parts.

[Ozme52]

So what's the problem? Read the many posts by the many subs describing how they cry after a particularly good session... Just cuz you're a man doesn't mean submission and aftermath is going to be any different.

Strikes me that some domme is going to find this behavior particularly appealing.

[Avely]

I am by no means an expert, nor all that experienced in this domain. That being said, I am not necessarily a complete stranger to it. I do not know you, so all written below is merely sum of probable guesses, please do not take offense at them, as none is meant.

First off, emotions and emotional reactions are rarely logical.


I have some serious, serious bondage issues. The thing is, I'm a submissive and I'm REALLY into getting beaten, violated, emasculated, humiliated, etc. but I've come across a problem with being tied/bonded... It all started when I had a bad bondage-style experience I'm not gonna talk about.

It is very understandable that you don't wish to discuss said experience in a chat forum, but have you spoken about it to anyone at all? (You don't need to answer this in the forum, it is merely a question for you to think on) If not, perhaps you should consider doing so when you find someone you can trust enough to open up to... a good friend, or perhaps a future girlfriend... if someone keeps their feelings repressed, and/or refusing to deal with an experience and the feelings and emotions it evoked, they cannot hope to overcome the experience and any afteraffects it may have caused.



shortly after, I met my gf. She unfortunately is not a dom, but one day she did cuff me cause she knows im into this stuff.
she started sucking me and i started getting all shaky and disturbed and upset

I know what happened here is water under the bridge, but perhaps, once you've opened up to a future girlfriend/Domme about your experiences (both the inital, and any afteraffects such as the happenings you elaborated on in your post above)... if you two decide to try to slowly experiment and hopefully overcome your difficulties with bondage, this would have been a good place to stop the scene. Dealing with emotional issues usually (in my limited experience) takes alot of time, and small steps. A rushed approach in the hopes of 'getting over the emotional mess, so you don't have to deal with illogical and confusing reactions' is a very chancy method that may only make matters worse.



and finally i cummed into her mouth and she undid the cuffs... im kind of ashamed to admit it but i locked myself in the bathroom and cried a little for a few minutes... i didnt know what the fuck happened and i was like traumatized.

Please don't feel ashamed. You have as many emotions and feelings as all of us; don't be afraid to express them, confusing and illogical as they sometimes may be.

Tears can be caused by a great many things. On the more optimistic side, could your tears have been a simple release of emotion after an intense scene... this is not uncommon. Yes this can be disconcerting and confusing, especially if you've never had it happen to you before. Can this be delt with and made to go away? I don't know... tears are for some people a natural way of relieving excessive feelings and emotions, regardless of the nature of these feelings and emotions (aka, you don't have to be sad to cry... you could have just had the most mind blowing amazing experience... but the intense feelings led you to wracking sobs afterwards... your emotional equivalent to a cool down lap after running a race)... Of course, your tears could have stemmed from other reasons... evalutating your feelings before, during and after may help you discern what these reasons were... did you feel any specific emotion while crying? If so, was this a negative , confusing, and/or positive feeling? Afterwards, did you feel more emotionally at ease (although probably very drained) or unsettled?



Of course, I'm never gona make her do that to me again because she was totally weirded out by my reaction...

This is obviously your and her decision, but I hope you have spoken of the experience with her, tried to explain things as best you can... I'm sure this affected her as well... it was obviously an unexpected reaction and threw both of you for a loop... it is stressed in many places on the forum that communication with your partner is essential, both before, during and after a scene... and vanilla interactions as well for that matter...

The suggestions of fellow forum members to see a specialist in regards to this is a very good one, yet if you do not wish to do so, that is definitely your choice. There are many ways of approaching a problem, you must figure out which approach will work best for you and that you are most comfortable with.


The only sadistic wierdo i want anywhere near me is a girl with a whip

Perhaps you answer your own question...

[dynamicbuttler]

Thanks people, your responces have been awesome and highly helpful so far. Thanks, and keepem coming lol

[Ruby]

Huge hugs dynamicbuttler,

You had a bad experience and you got back on the horse to give it another ride. It sounds like you've got some triggers to work through and how you choose to do that is up to you.

What works for us in fantasy, doesn't always work for us in real life. There's a big difference between a set of handcuffs that are unyielding and wearing velcro bonds that can easily be removed.

If you want to try bondage again, take baby steps to help you through those triggers.

Often after a heavy, exciting or emotional scene, a sub may cry as part of their release mechanisms. It's cool.

It sounds to me like you might have experienced a bit of "sub drop" and needed some tender after care. More so that you realized.

"Is there any way to train yourself..."?
The right domme/girlfriend for you is going to understand those moments. You cry, you recover and she works with you to discover what you need after.

When you reach new heights, and are in a safe space, you may continue to cry or not. It all depends on what the two of you are up to and what it triggers inside. If you look at the tears as a friend, a positive release of emotions, then the experience takes on a whole new meaning.

Ruby

[dynamicbuttler]

Thanks a lot, people. Fuck it though; Fuck it. I wanted to be able to use your advice and "get back on the horse", but it's not going to happen with my current girlfriend. There was a bit of a scene today...

We were joking about penises when she said "why don't I just strap one on?" I said "Okay." She gave me this sort of look I don't want to even think about. She asked me if I was gay over and over and over again, ands was immensely weirded out. She now thinks I'm gay because I like strap ons. Me and he are WORLDS apart sexually, and I don't think I'd want a girl as vanilla and close minded as her to tie me up anyway. I think I'd fall asleep.
Still, great advice. I'll put it to use should I ever break up with my girlfriend. I will never date another non domme girl again. Sex isn't everything, but why should I have to deal with this stuff?

[DungeonMaster6]

Just want to ad something here. Because a female wants to strap one on and fuck a guy in the ass doesn't make him gay. If she thinks that, cut her loose. You can find better.

[Sextoymaker]

I totally agree with Dungeonmaster66.

There are lots of other people that will help and share the same desires as you and appreciate your submissive side. Look in your local area for some professional club arenas to meet the right one. I assure you they are out there!

[dynamicbuttler]

Thanks a lot. It helps to hear shit like this... It helps a lot. I'm new to all this, so what's a profesional club arena?

[Terri]

This may sound a bit silly, but when I am checking my new partner out to see how far he will go at being a sub, I tie him down with toilet paper. It means that if he feels threaten or unable to deal with the bondage he can break out of it when ever he wants and feels in control, but at the same time able to restrain himself.
It gives the sub some power which over time can be removed with mutual consent.:)

[Masterandsub]

With any new relationship there are things to overcome.

For example in Oour relationship my sub had never experienced any sort of anal play, and was thusly nervous about it. It was something we had to work on together.

Obviously this doesn't hold a candle to a bad previous experience, but any Dom/me worth their salt would I'm sure see your personal aversion to bondage as something to be worked on gradually, and at a speed you feel comfortable with.

All the best, and good luck

Master Martin

P.S. sorry for replying in the 'Questions for a Mistress' section, but the issue seemed to apply both ways

[dynamicbuttler]

MasterandSub don't worry about it, nice responce. There's no law saying you're not allowed in here, lol. All good responces. I still have one burning question though. What's a proffesional club arena? Sex toy maker mentioned them.

[Sextoymaker]

Okay sorry I guess I need to clarify.
As for professional that is what it means...They make money.
Usually like here in Dallas you will find with a little searching a club that accepts dues and fees for use of their dungeon in which you will find like minded people. Interesting and very informative to a newbie as well a a seasoned dom or sub. Check out you local papers classifieds or even better a head shop paper or any sextoy shop should have small papers or circulars pointing you in the right direction.

[dynamicbuttler]

You don't pay the actual domme though, right? I would never pay to be dominated.

[Ruby]

No, you don't have to pay the actual domme. Think of visiting there as a place to meet like minded people and find a potential domme/girlfriend.

Many local groups hold "munches" in restaurants, so you can meet the members in regular clothes outside of the dungeon environment.

You can google munches, BDSM, clubs, etc for your specific area if you'd like to meet folks in real life.

Note: Be aware of the rules for the munch before you attend. Some have taboo topics, while others are fairly open.

You can also attend a BDSM expo or fair where they sell toys and have classes to increase your knowledge base and people network.

[orchidsoul]

Hi dynamicbutler,

Sorry to hear things aren't working out that well, particularly with the fear during bondage.

From what it sounds like, your girlfriend and you are traveling where you perhaps haven't discussed. Would communication help out here at all? Have you ever expressed to her your desire to be dominated and what aspects you enjoy? The key to any power exchange is communication because it allays our fears, and can also give the dominant time to figure out in their mind how to best play with their submissive in a comfortable-for-all situation, particularly if it's new territory.

She may also need a little help... but I'm suspect there's a level of domme in her if she's tying you up and talking about strap-ons, granted her reactions need major work. Perhaps she's unaware that a man's g-spot is located internally, or that having her use a strap-on would be an intense submissive experience for you. Is it possible her reactions are due to inexperience?

I know your reticent to go speak to someone professional, but if you're reactions to bondage were that with someone you love and trust... most likely it's going to happen again. You seem very sincere in your desire to be submissive that maybe it's worth it to try and figure out how you can practice it without feeling uncomfortable.

Munches and such may be a great way for you to also see (particularly if it's a play dungeon) how other people react in situations, etc.

Best of luck to you!

cheers,
Orchidsoul

[Sextoymaker]

No, you don't have to pay the actual domme. Think of visiting there as a place to meet like minded people and find a potential domme/girlfriend.

Many local groups hold "munches" in restaurants, so you can meet the members in regular clothes outside of the dungeon environment.

You can google munches, BDSM, clubs, etc for your specific area if you'd like to meet folks in real life.

Note: Be aware of the rules for the munch before you attend. Some have taboo topics, while others are fairly open.

You can also attend a BDSM expo or fair where they sell toys and have classes to increase your knowledge base and people network.


You said it much better than me thanks.

[dynamicbuttler]

Thanks a lot people; The professional club arena sounds cool.

[Ruby]

You said it much better than me thanks.

Thank you for the compliment.

dynamicbuttler, have fun exploring the many different types of groups and meeting people who go to the clubs.