A question from someone new to this?

[Papillon]

I am entering into a new relationship with someone who I care for and trust very much. She is into BDSM, she perfers Sadism, and we have been talking about my participation in play with her, while I have given thought to the idea of BDSM before, I had never had the oppurtunity to actually consider participating in such play. I guess my question is this, I was once in a very abusive relationship with someone and I am having my reservations about play as far as S/m goes, I was wondering if anyone had any advice or has been in a situation like this?

[Ruby]

Hi Papillon,

Welcome to the forum.

There are many, many members of this forum who have been in abusive relationships and yet find satisfaction with a non-vanilla partner.

BDSM means many things to many people.

What type of sadist is she?
Mental?
Physical?
Both?

What about you? Does her sadism turn you on?
Are you a bit of a pain slut when you play?
A lot of a pain slut?
Do you like mind games?

I suggest that you take your time, go slow, do your research with your partner asking her lots of questions and researching on the web.

Take a look at some of the "check lists" out there and see if anything turns you both on.

A word of caution, abusive relationships leave triggers and we don't always know what they are or when those mental buttons will be pushed. Make sure you and your partner know your mutual concerns.

My own pet, Nathaniel, was in a not-always consensual and often extremely abusive relationship. What turns him on in fantasy play, isn't always what he wants in real life and has been known to trigger some deep issues.

The keys to moving forward are forgiving yourself, forgiving your partner, and learning from the situation. A good dose of laughter and sometimes crying also helps.

Have fun,

Ruby

[Widget]

The first advice I can give you is to talk talk and then talk some more. Perhaps it might be helpful to fill out some of the checklists that are available.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3653&highlight=checklist

That might give you a place to start. When there has been abuse in the past it is importand that limits are set and respected and all activities are taken slowly. You never know what will trigger hidden emotions and feelings that may result in a scene not playing out the way you both thought.

You have to think very hard about how you would react if you were to be spanked or physical contact, being restrained and so on. What about verbal humilation, name calling or orders. I have had things trigger unpleasant memories or emotions that were suppressed and sometimes the action that triggered it was not one I would have expected. It's importand for your partner to know this too, to be very aware and to watch you to make sure that at all times you are cared for. As you both develop trust, communication and learn what and how you want to play and interact you will find that some things you can let go of and some things you will realize you are not able to go there.

Each persons journey is different and with the risk of sounding corny, if you have been blessed to find someone who puts you first in exploring and lets you lead where your comfort zones are. Who allows true open communication and trust to grow between you (it is a two way street if they are willing to hear you must take the steps to talk and allow them to show they are worthy of trust) then I think you may find some healing too. I know I did.

[dynamicbuttler]

ruby, was nethaniel with an abusive male or female?

[Ruby]

Hi dynamicbuttler,

The answer for Nat is both. Though he was "owned" by a man, he was often loaned out for perioda of time and experienced many partners. His owner was also into staging elaborate scenes and parties where Nat might be displayed or used as his owner desired. The term
"Stockholm Syndrome" applies to his past situation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stockholm_syndrome

Nat and I have a thread here:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=3419

I've been remiss in updating it lately. It's been over a year and 1/2 since Nat and I began our BDSM relationship and we are still going strong.

Ruby

[Papillon]

I want to think you all for your comments and help. I am looking forward to atleast finding out more about this. I have found a submissive that was in a situation like mine (thanks to this board) and she is helping me out a lot. Again, thank you A/all.

[cariad]

Papillon, first of all welcome to forums, it is lovely to have you here with us, and congratulations of your lovely nickname.

I completely go along with what has already been said and just highlight the trigger issue.


A word of caution, abusive relationships leave triggers and we don't always know what they are or when those mental buttons will be pushed. Make sure you and your partner know your mutual concerns...

Ruby

I have been abused in the past, and I believe have dealt with it all.

However not that long ago, I had been taken deep into subspace, and he gave me a particular, very gentle caress. I think it was probably the first time anyone had touched me in exactly that way whilst I was in exactly that position since the abuse stopped, whilst I was in that particular state of mind. Anyway, I quite simply went into panic.

I was terrified as I was hit by all the emotions I had experienced when the abuse had happened, combined with adult realisation of the significance of it. The poor man who was caring for me wondered what on earth had happened and because he had no idea what was going on in my head did not know how to help me. At the time I was bound, struggling in terror trying to escape, and screaming at him to stay away when he touched me in an attempt to untie me.

Now thankfully, it was all resolved by him pulling right back and very slowly talking me out of sub space, agreeing with me how he was going to touch me to untie me, followed by covering me up, making me feel very secure and oodles of tlc.

On one level we laugh about it now, but we can still both feel the power of the emotions which were triggered by such a gentle touch.

Papillion, I have shared that with you, not to put you off, I still play very happily with the same man, and would hate to not have that as part of my life, but just to point out that triggers are very real, and can be very unexpected.

cariad

whoops - as I posted this I noticed that it was in questions for a Mistress, but I will let my post stay, since it is relevant to all colours of relationship.

[ShadowyFox]

Well, you're certainly not alone in this.:hihi: I think all of the important things have really been said. I've also been in an abusive relationship, and it definitely is something that you need to realize, you can overcome. Like everyone has said, it will take time and trust, but you can most certainly achieve success.

To others who have posted, this has been a help to me too. Don't want to hijack anything. I just want to say that all the sharing has nearly brought me to tears.

[Papillon]

As I've said before thank you A/all for your help and advice.

Today we played for the first time and it was interesting and I liked it but I am wondering if my initial reaction to it was normal? It seemed as if I was numb to what was happening. I liked that I could let someone control me, esp. her, that part was not hard, but when she would whip me, it was like I blocked out the pain. I couldn't feel it and that for me was a let down of sorts. So I am wondering if I am metally blocking this out for a reason or if this is normal for a newbie who has been abused in the past? Again thank you A/all for your time.

[Ruby]

Hi Papillon,

I think you may have answered your own question. If you are not feeling "anything", then you are blocking out the experience.

Is it normal...? Perhaps a better question would be, it is an expected reaction? Yes.

Not everyone gets off on pain.
Do you like it?
In little bits? A lot? At all?

If not, then remember there are many other delicious things to submit to that don't require actual pain.

Tickle tortures, feathers, teasing, stroking, .... the list goes on and on. In the role of the sub, you are submitting to your partner's will. And hopefully, you are both getting excited about what's going on.

If pain doesn't excite you, then the two of you can explore what it is that does.

You might be into sensual domination, where your partner blindfolds you, feeds you, has you experience your senses all under her control.

Or where your partner commands you not to move while doing delightful things to you. (Not as easy as it sounds.)

Have fun with your explorations.

Ruby