Moving Into Reality

[lily27]

I was going to put this into the Questions for a sub Forum, but decided that I am very interested in Dom/me perspectives as well.

Now that we truly live in the computer age, it appears that most newbies enter the world of BDSM via the Internet. For some, it never goes beyond the virtual life for an infinite number of reasons. But for many others, o/l discovery is only the beginning, and will eventually move into the real world.

My questions are for those who started out online, and then moved into real life relationships, either with the same person, or someone new.

How was the transition for you? What aspects are better? Worse? Is it what you expected? Did you feel better prepared for r/l encounters due to any online experiences?

I have been taking my very first steps into the world of reality, and I have to admit that there have been moments where it is harder than I ever imagined. But when you come out the other side slightly bruised (*ahem*) but stronger because of it, it is extremely rewarding.

Overall the ups are higher, and the downs are lower. It is like someone turned the intensity up to "eleven" without telling me. I am also having to unlearn some vanilla relationship behaviours, which wasn't necessary while online.

I have also learned that it is a whole lot easier being bratty when you are not within the Dom's reach.

Thoughts? Experiences? Comments?

-lily

[Miraculix]

I am sure this will become a good thread. Heck, in my case it started the other way around, there wasn't even internet when I started living in this scene...

[Daes]

I started out online beginning when I was 16, I am now 20 and I met a past Master for the first time, and have also been dating dominants since then, so to speak..

It was worse, it was better, and you can always make assumptions and think about what its like, but its Nothing like the actual experience. I’m prepared to serve, and that is what my online experiences taught me, it taught me about devotion and loyalty without physical contact or supervision, to be myself and be true to who I am. Online you don’t have to ‘cover yourself up’. There’s no one you’re trying to impress, nothing to be embarrassed about.

Online has been a wonderful starting place for me, and I don’t regret it despite its ups and downs. So much information out there, and by doing some research myself, I learned the differences between fantasy and reality, backed by the not-so-wonderful discoveries I made with my former Sir- but that’s Okay because I took something Wonderful from that experience. I learned what I needed from this life, what Im looking for to be happy, and how to be Careful about who I submit to and his intentions for me.

The experiences I’ve been getting has been deliciously eye opening and just exciting and fun. Theres nothing in the online world that can simulate the feeling you have when you are completely blindfolded, gagged, and bound to the point where all you can do is stand spread as you wonder where or when the crop will strike you next.

And though I had a horrible first RT with my last Master- it has prepared me and helped me to avoid situations where I could find myself with someone manipulative. This has allowed me to arm myself with the knowledge available. If I hadn’t started online I wouldn’t have been prepared to face the differences, but because I had that Access, I could at least get an idea what to expect and what to look for in posers, what to look for in a Master, really distinguish wants from needs, and learned that in reality that D/s and vanilla relationships are truly not so different. They are based off of honesty, trust, love, devotion, loyalty.

They just have cuffs, blindfolds, bondage, pain, and whipping added to them majority of the time. This has been an exciting, and even spiritual journey for me into submission, and I can't wait to see where it leads me. Pardon me for sounding corny lol

I have not found the Master for me yet, but Im looking and I know hes out there and Im just taking it one step at a time. So thus far, this is a success story, mainly because I truly learned that this is Me, unbarred and unrestrained, I know what I’m hoping for. I am submissive, damn proud of it, and it will be a long and Difficult road to find the right Master for me but once I find him it will be the Best thing in the world.

As I say.. itll be well worth waiting for. <3

~Daes

[Guest 91108]

I look forward to the posts here. i think it has potential to be a good thread , good idea Lily

[Miraculix]

Daes, brilliantly cited! And may you find Him and may He give you strength to love and Love in His strength.

[vistana]

I have also learned that it is a whole lot easier being bratty when you are not within the Dom's reach.

-lily

That it is!
I've never had an online relationship, but my boyfriend/dom & I did meet online, and talk online a lot. And yeah, that's when most of the brattiness gets to come out. in person I'm far more easily subdued. :D

[Ozme52]

As with all relationships... it depends on the two people involved.

I never play online unless I think there's a potential to also play in real life... without that, online lacks piquancy. So one evolves from the other... and each the other. Online begets real life which begets a richer online interlude until the next real life opportunity.

[Rabbit1]

Like wise Oz said it depends on the two people as I have had very successful o/l to r/l experences --but I have had some disasters too

O/L is a good way to meet people ---sort them out a little ---before you meet them ---but people are not always what they say ---and do not always feel like they said they felt---

But I still use O/L to sort thru the potential subs that I would like to meet and have a r/l relationship with

[cariad]

I started out online beginning when I was 16, I am now 20 and I met a past Master for the first time, and have also been dating dominants since then, so to speak..

Sorry to be a real bore and interupt a perfectly good thread, but this is important stuff if we want to retain this place, and keep Tiger out of jail.

Daes, thank you for your honesty, and I trust that you started your online experience not on an adult site. I must stress that the owner of this site, does not condone underage usuage of any adult site, and we do our utmost to ensure that all our users are at least 18 years old.

cariad

[Rabbit1]

Sorry to be a real bore and interupt a perfectly good thread, but this is important stuff if we want to retain this place, and keep Tiger out of jail.

Daes, thank you for your honesty, and I trust that you started your online experience not on an adult site. I must stress that the owner of this site, does not condone underage usuage of any adult site, and we do our utmost to ensure that all our users are at least 18 years old.

cariad

I think Daes was talking of past experences ---and since she is now twenty and Tiger has not owned this site for two years ----what the past owners did is not relevent here ----No we do not condone underage sex --but it happens ---as I myself would be said to have been abused as a child ---as an older woman taught me alot at a very young age ----I did not consider it abuse ---but the laws would ----

We do not condone or promote underage sexual activity ----but what is past is past and as long as it did not happen on this site within the little over a year Tiger has been the owner or I have been the Admin here ---it is just part of an adult decussion --of something that had already happened --and I see no harm in it


although I do not know what the relevence was in Daes mentioning ages --

[cariad]

I could not agree more with you Rabbit - underage sex is a reality of life - but I think we need to be clear that a healthy discussion about it does not mean that we condone it.

Anyway...back to the thread???

Grins

cariad

[lily27]

A little more background on my own situation. I have had a few online relationships, much of which has been played out right here on the forums. As great as they were, and as much as I learned, I hungered for "more." For several reasons my online relationship couldn't offer me that, not the least of which was geography, and we parted as very good friends.

I met someone new, on another site. He lives in my province, and we always had the intent of meeting as soon as we both felt comfortable. We spent a LOT of time on the phone getting to know one another. At that point we didn't have a Dom/sub dynamic (i.e. he wasn't tasking me or anything) and we just focused on learning and sharing with each other. After a couple of weeks I felt comfortable enough to travel to his city to meet him. Yes, we met in public. And yes, I used a safe call.

So now we are laying the foundations of a relationship. We both seek D/s that extends beyond the "kinky good time" in the bedroom. Actually acheiving this is what is harder and more intense than what I ever expected.

I think what I continue to struggle with the most is my own insecurities. Am I good enough? Submissive enough? Am I going to be just too much work entirely?

I am not so much looking for advice, I just thought this was an interesting topic of conversation. The best advice is always "talk to Him about it" which I have, and continue to do. He knows all of this (and more) and offers reassurance when I need it.

[orchidsoul]

It is a really interesting subject, Lily.

Congratulations on your new budding romance.

I've only had one on-line relationship, and it was filled with deception, but even in hindsight, I realize there was some good in there. I'm not sure if I can offer anything to help you out, but hopefully.

If there's one thing I think the internet and phone conversations offer, is a safe and protected way to express deepness about oneself that wouldn't necessarily be as easy sitting in a cafè. For me, they both promoted a comfort and way to work towards being more open and communicative.

Regarding your concerns, I don't think one is "submissive enough", or "good enough", or "too much work", etc, rather I think it's just like any relationship- do both of your needs and styles match? You may think you're too much work, he may adore that quality within you; You could desire a different level of submission than he can dominate; and so on and so forth.

Finding out is the fun part. A new venture, a new exploration. Good luck and have fun!

[nowgirl]

i came online just to explore a little. i'd been reading stories in the library forever and never even knew about the forum... i ventured in here several months ago just to try to gain some more knowledge about being submissive. never in a million years did i think i'd be online in a D/s relationship, much less having it lead to real life.

it is true that ANY relationship - regardless if it's vanilla, D/s, has to be built on trust, respect and i think a chemical/physical connection. and that last part is what's missing in online. you can totally connect on such an emotional level online - but if you meet the person in real life and you don't feel that "spark" - what can you do?

i met someone through alt.com locally. he was smart, funny, sexy when online - i had seen a picture of him but when it came to meeting him - let's just say the picture was a few years old. it was such a shock to see how much different he was in real life that i really had a hard time getting past that. i suppose it sounds a little superficial. we met a second time because his online personality was just so much different than his real self that i thought maybe it was just first time jitters. wasn't the case. he was super-Dom online and that didn't translate to real life.

being online has definitely made me more comfortable with my desire to be submissive. it's been a great way to be a "newbie" and find my way through all the questions.

i've met someone here i've been with for almost 6 months. it's mostly online but i've been fortunate enough to meet him and we have another meeting planned soon. and i have to say that the real life meeting was better than anything i could have hoped for. the physical connection definitely matched the emotional connection. i'm very much looking forward to the next encounter...because, as Daes pointed out:


The experiences I’ve been getting has been deliciously eye opening and just exciting and fun. Theres nothing in the online world that can simulate the feeling you have when you are completely blindfolded, gagged, and bound to the point where all you can do is stand spread as you wonder where or when the crop will strike you next.

the issue now is kind of two-fold: maintaining the intensity of this relationship online; and incorporating this in to my real life. i'm single, dating... do i look for vanilla guys with a kinky side? do i try again on alt.com? try a munch? dating 'nilla boys is hard enough... and as you said lily, how do you move past having that momentary kinky good time & try to incorporate this in to your real life? luckily, these are questions i talk to my forum Dom with all the time... hopefully the two of you will work through those issues together.

enough rambling. thanks for the thread lily. it's nice to see you making that transition. and i've enjoyed hearing what others have to say...

[cadence]

I would relish the thought of having a D/s relationship which involves more than just the bedroom play aspect of it.
But then again I am still trying to work on the r/l bedroom part, which is sometimes a painfully slow and complex situation. I highly doubt that I will ever make it to more than what I have now, but I am patient enough,

I did try the o/l route to scratch an itch so to speak, and it went horribly wrong. The dynamics and compatibility were there, but I soon found out that I had many deep seeded issues, both personal and other as well.
I could not continue. I had to start really thinking about what is was that I wanted and analyizing everything I came up with.

While I agree with everyone that relationships both Vanilla and D/s are essentially the same, by reading and talking with others, I find that a r/l D/s may differ just a little because of the intensity of emotions that it can involve.

With online, you can shut off your computer and move easily into your normal everyday routines. With r/l you cannot shut it down, and it is always constantly there.

So IMO, and also seeing that an online experience made me think a little bit more, I would probably find it a little difficult to move into a r/l D/s realtionship and would think very hard about what I expected, wanted, and what I would be willing to give. And I would be expecting a lot of communication in the beginning between both parties, because I expect that there would be a lot of things pop up that were not expected and best to deal with them before the emotional ties become harder to break.

Sorry that was so longwinded, but thanks Lily for doing this thread, it was kind of therapuetic for me.

And congratulations on your new relationship.

[Timberwolf]

*sappy friendship post alert*

Lily, my love, I only hope for you that things keep going as well as they have. You've become a vitally important friend in my life, someone I can always talk to anything about, someone who never judges me. I hope that the happiness you've experienced to this point with your new man only grows onwards. Seeing you happy is important to me.

May you feel safe in his arms, free to allow yourself to be the woman you want to be in your heart.

[His_blizzard]

Before I go any further with my own experience in online to RL, let me just type one very important word. INVESTIGATE!
Yes, you have met your Dom online and yes you claim to trust and honor him completely, as I did with with my Master Dragon. But if a Dominant were to consider it insulting or dishonorable for you to do all that you can to make sure he is who he says he is and insure your safety, than he is not a Dominant interested in the well being of his submissive. In fact, if he has nothing to hide, than he should welcome any kind of an invstigation that his submissive may have the means to conduct. By this I do NOT mean tha anyone at anytime should have to give out their full date of birth or social security number. Identity theft is rampant and the thieves will go to any lengths to get what they can. My Master did tell me his full name and adddress and phone number. I was able to go to Anywho.com and Classmates.com to verifiy that he did live where he said he did and also to verify his graduations, his degrees and time in the service. I was lucky enough to have a friend that was able to conduct a minor investigation that proved he was married to who he said he had been married to, and divorced with no children as he had claimed. I also verified his cars and place of employment. Everything checked out. He, on the other hand, had a friend in the military run me, and I think he knew what color panties I was wearing that day. LOL! Even all of this is no guarantee that he will be the Dominant of your dreams, but it is important to do whatever you can to make sure this meeting is SAFE, sane and consensual.
Any relationship can go flooey. The man you meet in the church choir can turn out to be a serial killer. But since so many of us travel to make our online D/s a RL one, we have to be extra careful. Also check online for the department of corrections in the state where he lives. (I am saying "he" here in the interest of time, but all men need to be wary as well.) I actually met a great guy on a vanilla dating site and we were going to meet for lunch. I put his name up in NJ Dept. Of Corrections and found he had done 3 years in state prison for 1st degree aggravated sexual assault. Needless to say the lunch date never happened. Maybe he had paid his dept to society, but I was not taking any chances.
I actually had a semi-BDSM relationship in RL before meeting my Master online. It was more a Top/bottom deal but it released the sub within me and gave me courage to take the next step.
As like delia, my online to real life meeting with my Master went beautifully. I am not not only proudly wearing his collar, but we got vanilla engaged in April and will be together 24/7 as soon as we can. If you are interested in that story you can click on this link.
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?p=82307#post82307
Hope this helps some. "Peace" ~blizz~

[lily27]

Wolfie, you are going to make me cry. You too have been an amazing friend to me, and I am not sure I could have come this far without you by my side as my annoying little step-brother. Thank you for always being there for me.

Online definitely provided me with a safe environment in which to explore. I could be as anonymous as I wanted, and had the power to close the computer and walk away. I am not sure if I would have ever ventured into the world of BDSM if I didn't have this venue (now isn't that a new topic of conversation??). This forum in particular has provided me with a wealth of knowledge, and many great friendships.

I learned two very important lessons. Firstly I learned what D/s and BDSM really are. It's not all about whips and chains. And we are not all freaks and wierdos (some of us maybe.... but not everyone...).

Secondly, I learned that without a doubt, this is what I want in my life. It became non-negotiable. I came to the decision that my next relationship, no matter what, would be with a Dom.

Both of these discoveries have shook me to my very core. They are completely life-changing - for the better.

Sure, it isn't always easy. But that which is worth working for rarely is. But each day is an adventure, and I am loving every minute of it.

-lily