First Date Assignments

[Daes]

Okay, id been talking to this guy Al for quite sometime on and off, dont know him well. I've been trying to keep my mind open cause I've been brushing a lot of guys off very quickly and had been wondering if maybe I am judging these doms without giving a proper 'chance'..

So we move from chat to phone which went Okay i guess. I couldnt help but annoyed, reason for this subtle irritation is because he already had assignments he wanted me to do before we even met. Hes not my Master, we're not exclusive, hell we weren't even dating yet we were just speaking about it.

So he tells me he wants me to print out a bdsm checklist, wear no panties whatsoever and says hes going to check, to which I responded "um, you sure about that."

This was the first phone conversation we had. I made it very clear I didnt feel obligated to carry out assignments from someone that was practically a stranger, and roughly downplayed what I was saying, continuing on to say when I met him I should 'show my submissiveness' by looking down and calling him Sir etc.. It was a matter of 'respect'.

Throughout the next month or two, we chatted once every so often, and finally arranged a date to meet and have breakfast. Itd been a long time so i told him his requests were outdated. When he told me he had something to ask of me for breakfast I said "it depends on what it is" and again told me not to wear panties.

I know this is a small thing but it grates on my nerves, and once again I explained that Im not going to take his task, I dont trust him well enough, I havent even met him in person, we're just First meeting so its going to be casual to see if we're compatible. Hes still a stranger to me, much less my Dom.

He said I was forgetting my place as a sub, and it wasnt whether i wore that article of clothing or not but the fact i wasnt trying.

Needless to say, we're not seeing each other tomorrow because of my refusal to not wear panties :P

So, here are my questions.

Do you think its fair for a dominant person to ask a sub (who is not his own) to request tasks without meeting them?

Am I being too judgmental or closeminded by not obliging him?


Im very biased on the topic so I thought Id get some feedback cause I did start to wonder if I was right to stick to how I felt, and not allowing myself to be pushed... I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it right now, and thought itd be good to get some more opinions. What you think?

~Daes

[cadence]

Not that I am an expert on this subject, but I have learned a few things along the way.
You were right to refuse what he wanted and should not be conflicted whatsoever.
From what I have basically learned so far a Dom should respect you as a person and get to know who you are first before demanding that you be submissive to him. Unless that is what you both agree upon in the beginning.

It would be akin to the online Dom requesting that a sub get on her knees now!, and do whatever he asks right away instead of trying to start a conversation, to find out what he or she is all about and what they want.

When I first started looking into different sites on the internet, I had met a few Dom's who said that they were willing to talk and help me out. One Dom, whom I talked with for a few months, happened to do business in my town. He requested that we meet for a drink. I figured there was no harm in meeting someone who gave me the intention that he wanted nothing more than to talk, and I picked the place where I knew I could not get into any uncompromising situations. When I did meet, he requested that I call him Sir, and told me that if I wanted to learn about this lifestyle I should do it first hand. He then proceeded to hand me a letter which stated that if I was truly submissive, I would go to the bathroom and take off my panties and give them to him. He would give them back when we got to his hotel room. Needless to say I went to the bathroom and left the bar immediately.

I think that a Dom who is sincere on starting a relationship with a sub, would not push the other person into doing what they want right away. I would believe that they would want to get to know the person they are meeting; thier likes and dislikes (not necessarily a checklist), and basically get to know them as a person first, and a sub second.

Always trust your instincts and never worry that you are offending another, they are the ones who need to gain your trust, and if they can't do that, it is definately worth it to keep on looking.

Best wishes to you in your search.

[Blue_Monday]

Yup. I don't think you'll find a single person on this site you thinks you should give in to this guy. In my opinion, this is just as creepy as a guy asking you to see him exclusively during or before a first date--it's presumptuous and distrespectful to you. Being a Dom doesn't mean being a jerk and ordering people around.

My advice is to keep trusting your instincts. There are a lot of creeps on the internet--men, women, BDSM, and vanilla. You might have to talk to a lot of people before you find someone decent, let alone someone who really suits you. But hang in there. There are great people out there... like, of course, us! :)

[Guest 91108]

seems to be you should have been able to accurately peg him with that first phone call and should have dropped him like a hot potato. period.
that is my opinion and I'm not typcial around here.

[lily27]

I too think you are right to trust your instincts. I always tend to go with my gut - the only time I get into trouble is when I ignore that nagging little voice in my head.

I strongly believe that in a D/s relationship (for me anyway) we come together as equals, and then I choose to submit. This also means I am choosey as to whom I submit to. Just calling yourself a Dom does not automatically earn yourself this privledge.

I also believe that if you are trying to establish a long term relationship, you shouldn't base it just on sex. It's important to learn about each other outside of the bedroom as well. Panty-less breakfast as a first date goes against that a little....

Just my humble opinion...

[cariad]

I think this highlights the difference between being a submissive and submitting.

This place is full of Doms, but is not filled with naked subs crawling around at their beck and call.

There are a number of Doms here whom I have grown to know well, and I respect them, as entire people, not just as Dominants. I am extremely selective to whom I submit, that is not an action of disrespect to them, but an act of respect to myself.

Well done Daes, and when it comes to respect, I think you have probably just earned yourself a lot within this community.

cariad

[Timberwolf]

Step 1: Get to know someone.
Step 2: Earn their respect.
Step 3: Earn their trust.
Step 4: Maybe then you can assign a command.

Somebody skipped something, and it wasn't you. This whole "I called myself a Dom. Now here's a task, and don't forget to call me Sir... wait, what was your name again?" thing that perpetuates, especially online... I just have no time or tolerance for it.

[nowgirl]

at first, i thought his request for no panties was kind of hot... but in the end Daes, i agree with what everyone else has said... you were absolutely right to question his motives. as a fellow single girl looking, we have to learn to trust that instinct.

for someone you don't know very well to ask to be called Sir really goes against what being "Sir" actually is... respect, trust, worthy of your submission.

i've read your other posts, Daes and you seem very thoughtful and caring. good luck in your search.

nowgirl.

[master 327-834-200]

seems to be you should have been able to accurately peg him with that first phone call and should have dropped him like a hot potato. period.
that is my opinion and I'm not typcial around here.

I second the motion proposed by Wolfscout. Does that make it carried?

Seriously if it doesn't feel right it probably isn't.

[poetic_justice]

Do you think its fair for a dominant person to ask a sub (who is not his own) to request tasks without meeting them?

If the sub is NOT his own, no - it is not fair and it is certainly not okay. From reading your post, love, I can see through your writing that he had no respect for you as a sub - let alone as a human being.


Am I being too judgmental or closeminded by not obliging him?

No - you're being the intelligent woman you truly are. You made the right choice in this matter - do not for a single second think that YOU were in the wrong.


Im very biased on the topic so I thought Id get some feedback cause I did start to wonder if I was right to stick to how I felt, and not allowing myself to be pushed... I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it right now, and thought itd be good to get some more opinions. What you think?

You were absolutely right to stick to your gut feeling and to trust yourself in this. Even as a sub the prospective Dom/me has to respect your boundaries and work slow with you to establish your trust and understanding within you both. If someone is to push you... you need to trust them and have a long established relationship (friendship) with them. This "Dom" you speak of clearly disreguarded your wishes, your trust, and your boundaries and failed to recognise your reasoning in this matter. As TW said - "I'm the Dom - do what I say" ... HA! I do not think you have a single reason to hold conflicting feelings - you trusted your instinct. That is enough. :)

[I1985]

First I want to say that I think you made a wise decision Daes.

Second I want to make clear I don't mean to offend anybody...

Because I'm with Wolfscout, if it had been me to choose, then I had dropped the phone during that fist call. In my eyes that person is not worthy to be called a Dom. I feel sorry for him, that he doesn't seem to know better... In my eyes he is a sad person...

And I've seen/heard these kind off things all around, here and on other sites. And can't help laughing about some peoples attempts, but could just as well cry.

Although probably more common among "Doms", quite an amount of subs do it to. Although often written off as being naive...it's still the same to me... Lately I "scared" a girl (won't call her sub) off by trying to get to know her. But she wanted to play. She pmed me in chat to ask if I had any assignments for her, I think we didn't even really greet each other....

I've done some roleplay etc in the past with practical strangers. But I'm not interested anymore. Roleplay can be nice, for time it takes... Getting to know somebody means much more to me. Even if they are 'just' friends, then that means much more to me then being with a stranger...

Same thing for calling me Sir etc. Some subs do it as soon as they find out I'm a Dom. I don't like it. There is one sub from who I really appreciate it, and that is my sub. Others that I haven't even met, or barely met, should use my name, I'm not their sir.

Giving tasks before meeting someone is fine. But only if the two of you agree to that. And although the Dom might be in charge, he may not do/order anything that you're not comfortable with. Be it online, on a first meeting, or after years of being together. You have to give consent. If he goes against that, then he is no Dom, just a sad person...

And maybe he just needs to learn, but he should have done that before. He has had enough time for that...

Daes, always remember, the Dom might set the rules, but you ALWAYS set the limits. And you both have to agree on as well the rules as the limits. And yes both can be pushed over time, but should never be broken!

I1985 walks of the stage, finished with his lecture for today....

[MrDom]

Well I would have told him to stick his underwear up you no wear. You don't ask a sub to do task or do things inpublic that is not yours. If youare trying to date her you are a Gentlemen first and formost. As you date and talk you build your trust. So after first phone call he wants youto do a checklist. Well bye byelittle birdie. You are a women first. Then sub Daes and that how you should be treated.

MrDom

[Miraculix]

Congratz Daes on your actions! That is all I can say...

[TomOfSweden]

So, here are my questions.

Do you think its fair for a dominant person to ask a sub (who is not his own) to request tasks without meeting them?

Am I being too judgmental or closeminded by not obliging him?


Im very biased on the topic so I thought Id get some feedback cause I did start to wonder if I was right to stick to how I felt, and not allowing myself to be pushed... I have a lot of conflicting feelings about it right now, and thought itd be good to get some more opinions. What you think?

~Daes

Um...Respect needs to be earned, (in both directions). That Dom needs to prove his worth before making demands. Any self-respecting slave should definitely make sure of it before taking anything he says as rules.

That guy aparently doesn't listen to you or connect with you regarding your needs. I vote for....don't be too desperate to ignore what reason allready is telling you. Find another guy. I think he's a n00b

[obedient44]

Daes,

Even something as small as a demand to refrain from wearing panties or taking them off is a form of BDSM play and a first meeting is not a time to begin playing with someone, regardless of how much time you have spent talking online or by phone. The first meeting is to explore compatible interests and to generally become acquainted. You may be submissive, but you are not his submissive and you have no obligation to treat him with any more than the common respect that is due any other person in a social setting and of course he has the same obligation to you. You were totally correct to refuse him and I really think your instincts tell you he is not the person you seek. I echo what many others have said here, there needs to be a trust building phase and a Dominant has the responsibility of earning your trust and making you feel comfortable from the very beginning. THis may not be news to you, but there are many pathetic men who simply have the selfish desires to take advantage of women and disguise themselves as "wannabe" Doms. I think this person has already proven himself to be that sort. My advice to you whenever you meet someone who immediately begins to make demands as he did is to run, and run quickly in the opposite direction. I would not waste any further time with him as there are many responsible Dominants who know how to act with the proper decorum. As a Dominant, there are of course expectations that I want met from a relationship with a submissive, but it is not at all a selfish thing. Ideally, the things I want and value will come from meeting the needs of the submissive in a give and take from mutually enjoyable and meaningful activities. Good luck!

Ob

[Daes]

Thanks for all the comments, at the moment i just felt like I needed some support. I completely stand by my decision and am proud of myself I didn't fall for a stupid antic like that.

cadence thanks for sharing your experiences with me, I relate whole heartedly.

I've always believed dates should be spent casual, getting to know the person for who they are, and just enjoy their company without expectations in a comfortable environment.

obediant44 I agree Completely, and feel the same way.

I guess I was losing patience, and wondering if I was just shutting him out too quickly rather than just trust my instincts.

[His_blizzard]

"When I did meet, he requested that I call him Sir, and told me that if I wanted to learn about this lifestyle I should do it first hand. He then proceeded to hand me a letter which stated that if I was truly submissive, I would go to the bathroom and take off my panties and give them to him. He would give them back when we got to his hotel room. Needless to say I went to the bathroom and left the bar immediately."

This InstaDom obviously took a crash course in DOM 101 by reading some BDSM stories online and deciding that was all that was needed. Yes, in theory when we read these stories they are arousing. But fantasy and reality are two differnent things. Just like many of us have rape fantasies but we don't really want to be raped.
Every situation in this lifestyle is different. I did do some tasks and assignments for Master after I begged him to be my training Dominant and before we met in real life. That was my wish. He never forced anyhting on me until I requested his training and guidence. He respected me completely and, in fact, made me take baby steps at a time when my state of sub frenzy wanted to leap tall buildings in a single bound. :p
Any Dominant worth your gift of submission will be a wise and patient Dom.
Daes and cadence...I applaud you both for knowing what is right and keeping you self respect! ~bliz~

[Can's Peaches]

I agree with everything everyone else as said. You did the right thing. I am new to D/s and I just love this site. I have leared alot on here. Thank you for posting this because it helps us that don't know alot. Most of what I see in the forums just reinforces what my Sir has told me. He has always been a gentleman and respectful to me. If he asks me to do something and I am not comfortable with it he is fine with that. He tells me all the time that we will take baby steps and that I don't have to do anything that is not comfy to me. There are good ones out there. Good luck in you search and always trust your instincts.

peaches

[nowgirl]

He respected me completely and, in fact, made me take baby steps at a time when my state of sub frenzy wanted to leap tall buildings in a single bound. :p

Any Dominant worth your gift of submission will be a wise and patient Dom.
Daes and cadence...I applaud you both for knowing what is right and keeping you self respect! ~bliz~


Wow - I can totally relate to that first paragraph - sometimes when your emotions and physical feelings are so intense, you can lose your common sense. I've read about sub frenzy - where you want to do everything and you want to do it NOW - (i like the description of wanting to leap tall buildings...) And I've definitely experienced that frenzied feeling that seems to turn your sexual, submissive self upside down.

I would hope I'd have the same sense that you had, Daes... and cadence. Thanks for posing the question!

nowgirl