Different Perspective to Same Question

[tessa]

Hello All. I come with a request, if I may? I asked the following in the "Ask A Master" section, but I am also asking it here to You. Needing the Dominant's perspective on what I am going through, it would be unwise of me, I believe, to limit my search for knowledge to one gender's section. So I come seeking the Domme's point of view, hoping it meets with Your approval.

My husband and I, while married for 15 years, have just started on our D/s journey together. ~looks at all of You~ And I thought it was going to be soooo easy just because we discovered this is both what we want. At the suggestion of a couple very dear-to-me people, I have started a thread in the "My BDSM Life" titled 'my journey'. In it it a chronicle of small sorts of what has happened so far with us (which isn't a great deal, but still more than I ever dreamed). My request to You is this...if You are so inclined, would You please read through posting #13, "What happened after...", and see if You have any words of experience and wisdom to pass along to us? "Well, tessa, if you posted there, why are you posting here?" Because I am rather desperate to hear from Dominants who KNOW what to do in situations in which I am finding myself, circumstances that completely confound me.

So, if You will, I thank You from the bottom of my submissive spirit.

Respectfully-
tessa

[Widget]

Hi Tessa, I think you were referring to the post in which you talked about your confusion about the roles outside of the bedroom and where you had an outburst about a mess with your husband.

There are many ways to explore your roles and people forget that real relationships are about many different things, not just one facet. That is why they are so so hard. It's not the fairy tale in which you discover a new intimacy and a hotter sex life and so everything else is now going to be perfect. As you stated we are all human. Dominance and submission, sex, children, finances, goals, interests, failures, lessons learned, victories achieved, communication, understanding, give and take and so on and so on forever as long as you are both together.

You both have an opportunity to become closer than you have ever been, to trust each other with things that most people can't even talk about. And you will find its not just about exploring your submission and his dominance. It will spill over into other things and you will both become stronger for it. I once heard that women crave and need to feel adored and men need to feel respected in a relationship. I think you will find that you will both start to more keenly feel those things even if you didn't before.

You are not failing at being submissive because you had an argument with your husband. He is not failing at being dominant if he didn't turn you over his knee after. But I wonder what would have happened with your guilt over it if he had (after you both were calm, next day maybe) sat down with you and then punished you then. You both are redefining your roles a bit and its not an easy thing. Do you want to be submissive all the time, part of the time, what does he want. I think you are both talking about these things and that is key. If you are looking for someone to say he should have turned you over his knee well, that is something perhaps you can talk about too. What happens when you do something and you are at fault when you are submitting to him and you want your roles to be that way.

Again thank you for sharing and if I didn't answer you the way you were looking for I guess that is because there is no right answer, only observations from experience.

[tessa]

I think you were referring to the post in which you talked about your confusion about the roles outside of the bedroom and where you had an outburst about a mess with your husband.

That is exactly the one to which I referred. :)


It's not the fairy tale in which you discover a new intimacy and a hotter sex life and so everything else is now going to be perfect. Dominance and submission, sex, children, finances, goals, interests, failures, lessons learned, victories achieved, communication, understanding, give and take and so on and so on forever as long as you are both together.

This part of what you said should be written into all marriage ceremomies or committment ceremonies or ritual ceremonies...take your pick...because it is dead-on correct! Life just moves right along, taking and changing the relationship right along with it.


You both have an opportunity to become closer than you have ever been, to trust each other with things that most people can't even talk about. And you will find its not just about exploring your submission and his dominance. It will spill over into other things and you will both become stronger for it. I once heard that women crave and need to feel adored and men need to feel respected in a relationship. I think you will find that you will both start to more keenly feel those things even if you didn't before.

Widget, this is what I was hoping to hear from those that know what I don't. My husband is the first man I ever trusted enough to expose myself with. Our relationship has developed into one of complete trust and devotion (not to sound overly mushy, but it's true for us). I think it would be crazy difficult to enter in a D/s relationship without that kind of trust. To be able to believe it will spill over into other areas is so wonderful to know!


You are not failing at being submissive because you had an argument with your husband. He is not failing at being dominant if he didn't turn you over his knee after.

Thank you again. I needed to hear this as well. :)


But I wonder what would have happened with your guilt over it if he had (after you both were calm, next day maybe) sat down with you and then punished you then.

I have thought about this more than I care to admit. The idea both comforts me and frightens the wee out of me! Again, a case of wanting for something desperately and not knowing the consequences of the reality. Is this a case of a double-edged sword, perhaps? One day, I at least hope I can answer the question for myself.


You both are redefining your roles a bit and its not an easy thing. Do you want to be submissive all the time, part of the time, what does he want. I think you are both talking about these things and that is key.

This is, very well summed up, the discussion we had the day after. And you said it so perfectly again, it is not easy. But it is so very worth it!


if I didn't answer you the way you were looking for I guess that is because there is no right answer, only observations from experience

This is completely what I was hoping for!! You sharing from your experience is priceless to me. My deepest thanks!

ps. :wave: from "the girls" ~grins~

[Widget]

hahah thank you for that and hello to them as well *grins*