Guest 91108
01-26-2007, 06:01 AM
Introducing ( Semi-Vanilla Partners/Spouses) to BDSM
This topic was recommended by gagged-Louise.
I thought considering how many new members have talked with us on the boards about Introducing a spouse or significant other that we should compile a thread under A -Z BDSM of advice , recommendations and suggestions..
Perhaps even quoting some of the better ideas and recommendations that one could read and put them in one thread for others to find.
This might help many members both present and future.
If you have ever gotten some really good suggestions or comments that helped you please post them here for others to read and be helped.
A couple recent examples of the individual problem from the boards..
i married vanilla only to later discover my intense interest in the bdsm lifestyle. so i conveyed my interest to my husband and well....it's just flat out not his thing. we tried. he tried for me. but well you can't force someone to be gay anymore than you can force them to enjoy spanking someone else.
Once upon a time, there was a subbie named...oh, let's call her "tessa". tessa was a highly frustrated submissive living the vanilla life. She fretted and bemoaned her plight until a few very wise souls asked, "have you tried doing anything about it?" tessa felt pretty foolish indeed as she had not done much about it, except to stay a might too angry at her Prince Charming for being guilty of the horrible evil of being completely unaware of her true (but hidden away from him) nature. So heeding the advice of the noted wise ones, she spun the straw into gold, kissed the icky frog, loved the Beast (or feel free to choose your own favorite fairy tale moment). Turns out Prince Charming is very fond of a few freaky kinks himself. And the glass...erm, well not a slipper, for sure...well, it fit just fine!
I've been having issues lately as far as domination and my boyfriend goes (if you haven't been able to tell already...heh).
He just admitted tonight that he doesn't like to do things like leaving a vibrator in for a long duration while we are going shopping (just an example...) for his sexual gratification. If he does do it, then it is just so that he feels in control for once (Though I'm not sure if "for once" means in our relationship or life in general). And just for the record, this sort of thing doesn't happen very often. He told me that it probably would from now on, but I'm not so sure...
The more I read about BDSM, the more empty I feel because he just doesn't feel into it. It's not his fault, it's just how he is. I am just wondering if any other Dom's are into this sort of lifestyle just to feel in charge, and not because it has a sexual tie to it.
And for some advice quotes.
I know many couples where who is the dom and who is the sub is rarely guessed accurately. We all have our own personalities that shine through. There is no rule book, except the one we make up and continue to modify. Take the time to constantly ask yourselve's if the changes you are making in your relationship are working for the both of you. .. Keep up with the great communication and sense of humor. … Adjust, modify, learn, laugh and move on. … Cause as you've pointed out, that "Perfect" award isn't available. … Hang in there, Tessa
Getting out of habits developed over years takes time but it happens as you adjust to your new chosen life. It is a wonderful journey of exploration and we both wish you the joy we have found.
-- I think what is most important is to talk to each other, and decide what works for both of you. There is no "right way" to "do" BDSM, no matter what you have read. It is individual for everyone.
For some, BDSM is only sexual play. For others it goes much farther. It could be that although your boyfriend doesn't get sexual gratification out of making you walk around with a vibrator in your pussy, he does enjoy the sense of control.... and gets turned on by that instead. If the ends are the same, does it really matter the motivations?
When I started this journey, it really wasn't much more than sexual fantasy. But the more I learned and discovered, the more I realized that the "kinky good time" was just a pleasant side benefit (VERY pleasant). It is the day-to-day aspects of D/s that I really crave. It is the kink that adds to the day-to-day control... and not the other way around. http://www .submissivewomenspeak. net/ ponypearl.htm
For me, I am a responder...I feed off his wants and needs. His desires become mine instantly just because I sense them from him. It doesn't have to be my big need, but because it is his, I want it for him more than he probably wanted it for himself in the first place. Knowing he's receiving a great amount of pleasure from whatever the activity is more than enough for me. If I don't sense that passion, I tend to be left wanting. Does that make any sense? I'm a little bit worried that it is crystal clear to me.
What I am finding out as we talk and discover all these new things is that he can receive his pleasure from doing what I want. ~blank look~ He explained to me that the satisfaction I take in certain activities makes him satisfied as well. But since I know it may not be "his thing", I don't get as much pleasure from it as I maybe I would if I thought he was as passionate about the activity as me. He has been trying to help me understand this concept. Not an easy task.
And this
And also, when you deep down all the way care about someone, you let that person know...in big ways and in the small ways (like looking you in the eye when speaking about something because he knows you prefer that.) A relationship can only be successful when the people involved give it EVERYTHING they have to give. And even then, there will be rough patches. Committment and passion are the key. Find that and you've found your One.
-- “For me it's been 5 years and we are still just figuring it out and still trying to get it "right" for us. It's been hard and long going ... but as was stated, anything easy usually isn't worth having. The reason I haven't broken things off (although we've had two separations ... one of which included me having a real life Dominant for sometime) is because I do believe he is my match and He is the one I want to be with ... The type of questions I think you are wanting answers too ... only you can answer. I can be wrong of course ... but that's just been my experience. There are some men who are just NOT Dominant ... in fact ... there really are people who don't fit into a Dominant or submissive role or a switch role ... There really are people out there who are just plain old vanilla ... and that's fine for them.... just not me.
I'm sure other superb advice and recommendations have been given..
Please if you have any advice or recommendations that would fit others or those who may enter and read here please post them.
Let's keep to the idea of a the thread please.. post your own situation asking for ideas to BDSM Life (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=7) .
Looking forward to the input of others for the benefit of all.
This topic was recommended by gagged-Louise.
I thought considering how many new members have talked with us on the boards about Introducing a spouse or significant other that we should compile a thread under A -Z BDSM of advice , recommendations and suggestions..
Perhaps even quoting some of the better ideas and recommendations that one could read and put them in one thread for others to find.
This might help many members both present and future.
If you have ever gotten some really good suggestions or comments that helped you please post them here for others to read and be helped.
A couple recent examples of the individual problem from the boards..
i married vanilla only to later discover my intense interest in the bdsm lifestyle. so i conveyed my interest to my husband and well....it's just flat out not his thing. we tried. he tried for me. but well you can't force someone to be gay anymore than you can force them to enjoy spanking someone else.
Once upon a time, there was a subbie named...oh, let's call her "tessa". tessa was a highly frustrated submissive living the vanilla life. She fretted and bemoaned her plight until a few very wise souls asked, "have you tried doing anything about it?" tessa felt pretty foolish indeed as she had not done much about it, except to stay a might too angry at her Prince Charming for being guilty of the horrible evil of being completely unaware of her true (but hidden away from him) nature. So heeding the advice of the noted wise ones, she spun the straw into gold, kissed the icky frog, loved the Beast (or feel free to choose your own favorite fairy tale moment). Turns out Prince Charming is very fond of a few freaky kinks himself. And the glass...erm, well not a slipper, for sure...well, it fit just fine!
I've been having issues lately as far as domination and my boyfriend goes (if you haven't been able to tell already...heh).
He just admitted tonight that he doesn't like to do things like leaving a vibrator in for a long duration while we are going shopping (just an example...) for his sexual gratification. If he does do it, then it is just so that he feels in control for once (Though I'm not sure if "for once" means in our relationship or life in general). And just for the record, this sort of thing doesn't happen very often. He told me that it probably would from now on, but I'm not so sure...
The more I read about BDSM, the more empty I feel because he just doesn't feel into it. It's not his fault, it's just how he is. I am just wondering if any other Dom's are into this sort of lifestyle just to feel in charge, and not because it has a sexual tie to it.
And for some advice quotes.
I know many couples where who is the dom and who is the sub is rarely guessed accurately. We all have our own personalities that shine through. There is no rule book, except the one we make up and continue to modify. Take the time to constantly ask yourselve's if the changes you are making in your relationship are working for the both of you. .. Keep up with the great communication and sense of humor. … Adjust, modify, learn, laugh and move on. … Cause as you've pointed out, that "Perfect" award isn't available. … Hang in there, Tessa
Getting out of habits developed over years takes time but it happens as you adjust to your new chosen life. It is a wonderful journey of exploration and we both wish you the joy we have found.
-- I think what is most important is to talk to each other, and decide what works for both of you. There is no "right way" to "do" BDSM, no matter what you have read. It is individual for everyone.
For some, BDSM is only sexual play. For others it goes much farther. It could be that although your boyfriend doesn't get sexual gratification out of making you walk around with a vibrator in your pussy, he does enjoy the sense of control.... and gets turned on by that instead. If the ends are the same, does it really matter the motivations?
When I started this journey, it really wasn't much more than sexual fantasy. But the more I learned and discovered, the more I realized that the "kinky good time" was just a pleasant side benefit (VERY pleasant). It is the day-to-day aspects of D/s that I really crave. It is the kink that adds to the day-to-day control... and not the other way around. http://www .submissivewomenspeak. net/ ponypearl.htm
For me, I am a responder...I feed off his wants and needs. His desires become mine instantly just because I sense them from him. It doesn't have to be my big need, but because it is his, I want it for him more than he probably wanted it for himself in the first place. Knowing he's receiving a great amount of pleasure from whatever the activity is more than enough for me. If I don't sense that passion, I tend to be left wanting. Does that make any sense? I'm a little bit worried that it is crystal clear to me.
What I am finding out as we talk and discover all these new things is that he can receive his pleasure from doing what I want. ~blank look~ He explained to me that the satisfaction I take in certain activities makes him satisfied as well. But since I know it may not be "his thing", I don't get as much pleasure from it as I maybe I would if I thought he was as passionate about the activity as me. He has been trying to help me understand this concept. Not an easy task.
And this
And also, when you deep down all the way care about someone, you let that person know...in big ways and in the small ways (like looking you in the eye when speaking about something because he knows you prefer that.) A relationship can only be successful when the people involved give it EVERYTHING they have to give. And even then, there will be rough patches. Committment and passion are the key. Find that and you've found your One.
-- “For me it's been 5 years and we are still just figuring it out and still trying to get it "right" for us. It's been hard and long going ... but as was stated, anything easy usually isn't worth having. The reason I haven't broken things off (although we've had two separations ... one of which included me having a real life Dominant for sometime) is because I do believe he is my match and He is the one I want to be with ... The type of questions I think you are wanting answers too ... only you can answer. I can be wrong of course ... but that's just been my experience. There are some men who are just NOT Dominant ... in fact ... there really are people who don't fit into a Dominant or submissive role or a switch role ... There really are people out there who are just plain old vanilla ... and that's fine for them.... just not me.
I'm sure other superb advice and recommendations have been given..
Please if you have any advice or recommendations that would fit others or those who may enter and read here please post them.
Let's keep to the idea of a the thread please.. post your own situation asking for ideas to BDSM Life (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=7) .
Looking forward to the input of others for the benefit of all.