BDSM Dating

[lily27]

So it seems around these parts everyone is either in an online relationship, or living with their partner.

Has anyone ever just dated in a D/s relationship??

I have met a very interesting person who currently lives about 500km from me. We have known each other a couple of months and I have made the trip to see him several times.

In two weeks, I will be moving to his city. (I got a transfer with work, and it just all worked out). I have bought my first house (yay!) so it won't be like we are living together, but at least we will able to spend much more time together.

I am somewhat nervous about the whole thing. Our relationship has been somewhat vanilla to date due to the distance, our desire to take things slow and do them right, and both of us being sick. However, he has always made it clear who is in charge.

I almost feel like I am about to get my first boyfriend... it is that new and exciting. But I am curious about how everything will play out. How will our relationship progress compared to a vanilla relationship? And what will I say the first time a co-worker overhears me calling and asking for permission to go for drinks after work?

I know most of this will just play itself out. I am just curious about everyone else's experiences.

-lily

[caligirl{Rob}]

First of all congrats and huge hugs on your new home!!! i am so so proud and happy for you!!

i too am sure things will work out as they should for you and your Friend...smiles, it sounds as though you will have more time to spend and explore and see the direction you both wish to see things go...keep talking, keep sharing and keep being lily! smiles!!!

hugs!
cali

[cadence]

Congratulations on your new home and your new relationship.

I don't have any life experience to speak of, but I feel that there is probably no difference between a Vanilla relationship and a D/s one.
They both grow and nurture in time, while a D/s relationship just offers a few more rules and kinks into the mix.
The fact that both of you are willing to take things slow, is a good step; this will help both of you to evaluate when, where and if you want further your relationship, instead of rushing headlong into the fray of things.

I do know of people who have moved thousands of miles away, to be in a D/s relationship, and are very glad that they did.

[gagged_Louise]

No reason why BDSM dating shouldn't be going on, I guess sometimes an internet ad or even a paper personal ad might lead to a play date, but the difference to vanilla dates is here you have to keep at least some guard against winding up with a psycho or someone who is definitely not whom he/she appeared to be online. I mean, what happens if you are carried away and let yourself be tied up and then this nice guy turns 90 degress and proceeds to threaten you and rob you of your handbag?
I once read a feature about online dating in a daily, which also took into account more kinky sex contacts, and it put these points among others "if you are into getting restricted during sex":

*Don't leave out your phone number, your full name or your home address until you feel sure of your ground and have met the contact at least a few times.
*Always place the first date in a public place where you can easily leave if it turns out bad (a restaurant, a museum, a park etc). And make sure you can get home without relying on your date driving you.

This doesn't sound very romantic, and in practice I guess most of the time if you start dating somebody in the same town on a BDSM basis, either it's started as a vanilla date, you talk and you find you're both into the kink, or you've met in a fetish club or something and know each other a bit beforehand.

[lily27]

cali and cadence, thank you for your kind words and well wishes. I am very excited about the next chapter of my life, I just wish I didn't have to go through all of the packing and moving!

Louise, thank you for your advice, it is always important for people to be reminded of safety issues. However, my personal experience has moved beyond that stage. We have known each other a couple of months, I have been to visit him a number of times, and I am just about to move to the city where he lives. I stayed at his house while I was visiting, and he went to look at my new one with me before I bought it. At this point, I am reasonably assured he is not a psycho.

For me, it's not just about playdates.... it's about "date" dates. The everyday, mundane stuff when relationships are really built.

So let me rephrase... for those of you in (or who have had) long-term, real-life relationships, how did it all begin? How was it different (or the same) as vanilla dating?

[cariad]

It was the same as a vanilla dating, except that I was swept off my feet and left constantly thinking about him, rather than having that empty feeling which I had been used to.

And I quite agree with you, relationships are made out of the mundane stuff, and since it was my first experience of a relationship with a Dominant man it was in dealing with the mundane that I slowly came to an intuitive understanding of how submission can be part of everyday life, whilst still having an opinion and not being a door mat. Mind you, I am still on that learning curve, and still sometimes get 'the look', or worse still a stony silence, when he feels that I am crossing that annoyingly invisible fine line.

I hope you have a wonderful time in your new life; you are combining a lot of high stress factors at the same time and I hope you remember to give priority to you time in the midst of all the business.

cariad

[Hime]

Can't really help -- we met online, and had a long-distance relationship with approximately monthly visits for 1 1/2 -- 2 years before moving in together, but never really dated.

Personally I don't think I could manage to talk about D/s stuff with someone I was "dating" in the way I think of that word -- i.e. just getting to know each other. I associate dating with little flutters in the stomach and still trying to present the best side of myself and getting all blushy every time someone gives me a compliment, and also with horrible nerves when he's late to pick me up and trying on 10 different outfits that all make me look fat and being really, really self-conscious about my table manners. I don't think I'd have the nerve to deal with all of that plus telling someone "oh by the way, I really like to be tied up and humiliated. Hope that isn't a problem!" :p

OTOH, the idea of dating someone who set himself up as in charge from the get-go is actually pretty hot... I'm imagining this person (who is going to be Kyle MacLachlan because this is my post dammit) calling on the phone and saying "I'm going to pick you up at exactly 7:35 PM on Friday. You will be waiting for me in the lobby wearing a red dress, black pumps and no panties." ... sort of takes away some of the anxiety of the situation...

[joely]

lily, i read this thread with interest as i just asked a few similar questions in a different thread!!! dating is difficult enough! it seems you've made the leap -what a wonderful adventure you're on. best wishes.