Just starting out.. a few questions

[joely]

Hope this is in the right spot since it's not really MY BDSM Life; however, I don't think I'm placing a personal ad - just seeking information. (G is for Guidance, right!?)

Recently coming out of the D/s closet and landing here in this forum, I'm wondering what the next step is for a completely vanilla suburban girl looking for??? Am not even sure.

I feel I'm sounding like a complete noobie... so be it! I've perused alt.com and collarme - I must admit I've done online vanilla dating (sighs) but adding the kinky twist to it seems a little overwhelming at the moment. Has anyone found a partner this way? Or even here in the personals? The personals here seem a little impersonal.

Obviously, I don't know a lot about the lifestyle other than the fact I admit I've had submissive desires for a long long time and am ready to find out if this should be a part of my real life. Sooooo - any advice from those of you in D/s relationships or who have been in the lifestyle for a while. How & where do you meet like-minded folks? I've read about munches but that just doesn't seem the same as going to Barnes and Noble for a book-club discussion. (I realize I'm sounding wimpy)

In the meantime, I'll keep reading & looking...

Thanks - joely

[lily27]

Hi joely,

I met my current partner on collarme. He sent me a message the very first night I signed up. He was coherant, and interesting. Since then, I have recieved hundreds (literally) of really awful replies.

So yes, it is possible. But, I would be willing to guess that any frustrations you had while vanilla online dating, through in the kink and it will be 100 times worse. Unfortunately.

Be aware of men who think it would be great to have a girl who will give them blowjobs on demand.... but don't have much knowledge/interest in any other aspects of D/s. I am a sub... not a slut.

All rules for online dating still apply. Be careful what information you give out initially. Meet in a public place. Most importantly, follow your instincts. And when you do meet someone you decide to play with (I certainly wouldn't recommend doing so on a first meeting), make sure you set up a safe call.

As someone close to me once said, "911 is NOT a safe call!"

[fantassy]

Hi Joely! I was in your situation about a year ago. I ended up reading what people posts, and then posted some questions about a kink which appealed to me. Of the people who responded, one really stood out. The topic I asked about was this Dom's primary area of interest in BDSM. He pm'd me offering to answer any further questions I might have had. We exchanged a few pms. He was articulate and interesting, and wasn't too aggressive. I liked the attitude he displayed in all his posts in the general forum. Eventually, we agreed that he would help me explore our mutual interest. The more we learned about each other the more compatible we found we were. So there is something to be said for looking at someone's forum postings to get an idea of their personality. The Doms who have hit on me who don't generally post in the forums have been completely unappealing to me.

fantassy

[cariad]

Joely, I would start off by asking to you read this thread - http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6759 about safety. I know it is jumping the gun at the moment, but it is better to forewarned for when the situation arises.

I concur with what lily and fantassy have said. To me the process is much the same as vanilla dating - get to know someone first, make friends, start to explore your kinks and other interests, and see what happens.

And above all, unless you want to be everyone's and anyone's slut, learn to say no. Not something which comes easily to subs - but you will need to, to keep the hordes of Doms at bay. You are no less of a sub for having self respect and wishing for what is right for you, and if any Dom ever tells you that you that as a sub you are not allowed to say that, run for the exit sign.

Having said that, there are some wonderful people on this site, Doms and subs and switches. I would advise you to forget about finding 'the' relationship and focus on just getting to know people and exchanging ideas, and who knows what might happen in the process...

Welcome to a wonderful world

cariad

[Guest 91108]

well hell .. i guess it's that kind of night but i'm agreeing with cariad *gasp* on this.. let the relationship find you. learn first.

[Ozme52]

...yes, take your time. Those who rush in most often find themselves disappointed with their choice because the most aggressive doms tend to be the least patient and/or the least experienced.

[lily27]

My first online relationship began when someone asked me to wear his collar, and it honestly didn't occur to me to say no. Really.

Live and learn....

[Mishka]

I couldn't agree more with everyone above, joely.

My first experience into bdsm was with a friend I'd known for 2 years prior.

My second, and current, I read his personal, all his posts, and liked him instantly in e-mails. It wasn't our kinks we had in common...we didn't even discuss them...there was something about him I could respect, trust and feel safe with. So bdsm doesn't have to be sex...though I've only heard of it getting there...but doesn't have to start there.

[joely]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am here to explore, find out info - maybe meet a few online friends along the way.

Another question: how likely is it to have / sustain an online D/s relationship? fantassy, cariad, mishka - are your relationships online v. real life? Ozme - I see you're "searching for a sub" - do you "do" this online or real life? Is your real life relationship D/s? Wolfscout - I see you're married to a sub yet have other subs. Are your other relationships online?

I've read through posts & threads trying to get a sense of what works. I realize this is personal information and if it's too personal, no worries!

Thanks again, everyone. It's been a very warm welcome.

joely

[cariad]

I think everyone's story is different - and I am very willing to share mine with you, but in a PM rather than on a public board.

What I will add here though is don't assume that just because it is online you will not be hurt. The power of online relationships is scary, and I would take as much care about selecting someone you were going to have an online relationship with as I would a off line one. With out any doubt I have shed more tears over online relationships than I have offline.

cariad

[Rhabbi]

I couldn't agree more with everyone above, joely.

My first experience into bdsm was with a friend I'd known for 2 years prior.

My second, and current, I read his personal, all his posts, and liked him instantly in e-mails. It wasn't our kinks we had in common...we didn't even discuss them...there was something about him I could respect, trust and feel safe with. So bdsm doesn't have to be sex...though I've only heard of it getting there...but doesn't have to start there.

Well, since she is talking about me, I have to say I agree with her, take your time, find somone you like, and go from there.

[fantassy]

Brosco and I are online only - although we spend most of our time talking to each other via headsets. We began our relationship 11 months ago, and since we live halfway around the world from each other, we're likely to stay online only. Still, I spend more time talking to Brosco each week than I do to any person here in Texas. I think we do okay because we are both into the mental aspects of D/S. I imagine it would be harder to be satisfied with online if you were into the physical S&M heavily.

fantassy

[Mishka]

Rhabbi and I are only online and will remain so. As with fantassy our D/s experience is mainly a mental one. I think it would be lovely to have both mental, physical and offline. The success of it is based on the personalities involved. One online relationship that doesn't work doesn't mean all of them won't work, and any combination thereof. What's involved is as diverse as the vanilla world. It's not the place, it's the people.

[Ozme52]

I sent you a PM joely.

[joely]

I would just like to thank everyone for taking time to answer. You have all made me feel very welcome.

[Stone]

Well thats a hard question to give a thoughtful and insitetive answer.Well as allways i would say exercise caution when meeting anyone from this wonderful thing we call the on-line world.As for myself i met my wife/little slut on line but not through and bdsm/ d&s site.I have allways had dom tendencies and I put that in the closet till she announced she wanted to be submissive so in short i am a lucky mother fucker hehe

[cariad]

I would just like to thank everyone for taking time to answer. You have all made me feel very welcome.

That's 'cos you is.

:bdsmsmile

cariad

[joely]

I was lurking around in another site when someone - a Dom - contacted me because of a comment I made about my neck of the woods. Turns out we're in the same city. He was polite, simply conversational, not sexual at all and his purprose for talking with me was to see if I wanted to join a local group. He's had his sub IM me and we've talked a couple of times. I'm meeting her first for coffee sometime this week.

This is definitely nothing I expected to do this early but there you go! I'm a little nervous but so far, everything seems fairly low key and not moving too fast.

[cariad]

That sounds wonderful joely, just as it should be, but please don't take any risks with your personal safety. Even if both parties intentions are honourable things do go wrong, and I would urge you to read this thread

Moving from O/l to R/l (http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6759)

Wishing you all the best

cariad