Are there others like me?

[dynamicbuttler]

Okay, so I wear black all the time, love heavy metal and horribly depressing music, relish in chaos around me, pick fights, have a love for the morbid, am chronically terrified, chronically depressed, despise my life, despise most people, am judgmental, HATE all superstition including god, religion and astrology, wish I was dead, I hate to lead or control people, I've been described as a freak and a hermit, I'm odd, short and pale, all I feel is rage, sadness, terror and numbness, am constantly humiliated, wish I could just die in a corner, I hate happiness, I think the human race should stop having kids or just terminate itself, I can't get along with happy or even moderately satisfied people, and had to cancel my last relationship because my gf aside from not being into bdsm was not "dark" enough for me.

I'm a male submissive... I was saddened when I came to meet BDSM people online. They were so happy! ARE THERE ANY dark, sad, hateful, miserable, judgemental, black wearing, angry but in the end decent people in the BDSM community?

If you're like me, introduce your gender, role, etc. I'll go first.


I'm a male sub, and LIFE SUCKS

[Rhabbi]

They are there, I guess they just find some place else to hang out, or they lurk. Actually, they probably lurk, maybe you can find them with this post.

[Hime]

I'm a female sub. I love going to Goth clubs and wearing Gothic clothing -- including black leather, corsets, stockings, stompy boots, dramatic eye makeup, etc. I like a lot of Goth music, especially industrial. I am studying the new art form of Gothic belly dance. I like dancing in ways that make my body seem weird and inhuman.

I'm not an unhappy person, though. I think I probably have an anxiety disorder (it has been suggested to me by a counsellor and some friends who have the disorder themselves) but I haven't been formally diagnosed. Mostly I'm happy because I love my dancing and I love my husband/Master, but I do cry a lot (like when I watch a sad TV show or have a fight with someone online) and have panic attacks sometimes.

I don't think that there is a strong correllation between REAL BDSM and clinical depression/anxiety. A lot of people, especially young people, have a phase of thinking that they want to be hurt because they hate themselves for being depressed... but once the depression is cured or treated, they won't want the same things. I do know some people who are both submissive and clinically depressed, but I think that most submissives who stick with it as long as some of the people on this forum have, and who commit themselves to serious BDSM relationships, have mostly worked out whatever issues might be related to their desire to be dominated.

I hope that you find a strong, brave female Domme who helps you to feel better about yourself and gives you a happy place to work toward like my Dom does. I know we subs are screwed by the statistics (10 female subs to 1 male dom, probably worse for the F/m crowd!), but hey, it can happen! :)

[dynamicbuttler]

Hey people. Rhabbi, I hope you're right. I hope they ARE lurking and scuttling about!

Hime, that wasn't exactly what I was talking about. Goth girls are hot but being a goth really has nothing to do with what I described... Goths are people who dress up, and possibly try to follow some loose ideology. They like the taboo of an evil aesthetic, but that doesn't tell them anything about pain. For the most part, I don't think goths would know misery if it smacked them across the face. See, I was thinking more of people who have serious social/emotional/stability issues, etc... Nice input though: It's just that the only thing I find hotter than a dominant girl is a miserable dominant one.

id keep rambling but i g2g

thanks a lot guys

[Blue_Monday]

DB, I like you. I like reading your posts, because when you first showed up here, you seemed so excited to have discovered this side of yourself. I think most BDSM'ers are happy people because they have come to accept their "dark side" and have found other nice people who also have a dark side.

I don't know if this relates, but... I used to be depressed (not "hot" or "goth" depressed, but boring, sleep-all-day-and-miss-work depressed) and I also lived in western Washington state back in 1998 when it rained for like 100 days in a row. The funny thing was, I kind of liked the rain because it made me feel okay about being depressed. Like, as long is it was raining, I had a good reason to feel crappy. The sunny days were worse, because everyone else was happy, but I still felt like I was in the rain. Then after a while, being depressed became my identity. If I wasn't depressed, I didn't know who/what to be. It was kind of a process, turning the "I hate..." statements into "I like..." statements (even if it was a simple reversal, like "I hate pink"="I like black").

You mention numbness. Do you like pain because it's the only thing you can actually feel?

I dunno. I'm not trying to be your therapist or tell you to get help. I just think that if you're really happy being depressed, then you're sort of not depressed, are you? :-) Especially if you live in a small or rural town, or if you're in school, and you're surrounded by a bunch of happy, sunny, Sunday school kids, maybe you're just having a completely reasonable reaction to their naivete. Just some thoughts. I hope you'll share more.

I'm a female switch, I'm about to get married, and I'm so happy even I want to puke. :-)

[dynamicbuttler]

Blue Monday, you're awesome.

I'm never happy, ever. The closest I get to happiness is like you said, when it's raining. I listen to classical music and sulk, brooding. I'll sit there feeling good/horrible, and in an hour's time, get nothing done but feel like I've accomplished something. Generally though, I'm just numb to things, bored, indifferent, terrified or saddened. I still think life is worthless and am mad at my idiot parents for conceiving me. I have a rage that's directed toward anything I find stupid, such as religion or creating more miserable people.

And yes, when I'm surrounded by those Sunday schoolish kids, I just want to fucking kill them. In a way they give me pride, because I am better than them. Still, I never wish anything less for them but a quick and painful death. I'm also sad because I'm not one of these guys that gets married and then 2 years into the deal realizes he's a sub- I'm more fanatical. I've ALWAYS been a hardcore sexual submissive, and my first time broke my heart sort of. I thought I'd have a more experienced girl ride me and take charge, taking my virginity. What I didn't realize is that most girls hate to dominate. I had to go on top. I had to lead. I had to control... It got so bad eventually that I couldn't have sex anymore, because it brought me to the Virge of tears. I'm not into femenization or acting like a female... I just like getting anally fucked and controlled and loved.

My extreme loneliness makes me crave friendship and affection, but my judgmental attitude keeps me from accepting people... and my awkwardness keeps me from meeting people. I can't even explain how badly I just want to drink some beer with a friend but I can't. I just rot in my room day after day, deteriorating, unable to function. I'm hypersensitive to just about everything... And once i have a friend, ESPECIALLY a female friend, I sit with my head in my hands in my room all day, thinking about everything I told them, or if they like me, unable to sleep at night...

Things get so brutal that I try to camoflauge myself in black... and just blend into a corner. I don't want to talk to anybody unless they're dark or miserable or downtrodden... and still then, they have to be smart enough to amuse me. Once in a while I can stop being an arrogant prick, but then I crave the attention of hedonists and drug users... Drugs/alcohol are the only ways for me to become more social, especially with women... I know that's the wrong path so I convince myself to become a person of reading, of seclusion and of pain... to just sit and sulk and read and absorb. To just let the years of loneliness improve me- and possibly, some day write something meaningful... As though my innate urge to compose means anything- As though leaving behind some fucking book for the ages would let my corpse rot in style.

My ex makes things worse... she calls me and presses guilt 3 times a day. I don't want to go into specifics, but she was hard to dump... Very hard. She couldn't accept that I had my own world view and my own sexuality: Brutality and brutality... She was rather vanilla in many respects and though attractive, her personality didn't suppliment mine. She doesn't care though... she keeps calling and calling and quoting me and telling me everything I did wrong. I'm about as fragile as they come and I can't take her shit.

Most guys can at least expect to find a companion. I can't. There are virtually no female dommes as I always say, and my situation is hopeless. Eh, whattever. I just can't live in REALITY and be a happy person. Well, no one can. That's why most people don't. Oh well. i dunno y iv been lying... im 18, not 27, lol. Just had to get that off my chest

[Ruby]

Hey DB,

It may sound simple, but for things to change, sometimes we've got to change.

If you found a domme that made you happy,
would you let yourself be happy with her
or would you rather be happy being miserable?

Yup, I wrote it, "happy being miserable".
Just like there are those who are happy being angry,
or sad or any other emotion.

There have been a few rare moments in my life,
when I've been down that "I'm so depressed I should
just end it all" road. But who really knows?
This could be a one ticket, ride it all you can ride,
and I'd like to make that ride the most fun and
enjoyable that I can.

You have to do what works best for you.

As Ben Franklin said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

I learned along time ago that happiness comes from inside, not the outside. It's a choice. All of our emotions are a choice, though some may be from an unconscious choice. Everything else is a reason or excuse to justify that choice.

You've joined the forum, met a bunch of folks who are happy and have asked very insightful questions.

I'm sure there are many lurkers who feel the same way or who have felt the same as you. It's hard to admit those feelings when it can be so politically incorrect.

ARE THERE ANY dark, sad, hateful, miserable, judgemental, black wearing, angry but in the end decent people in the BDSM community?

Of course, there are. Now will they admit it?
Hmmmmmmm

Ruby
:rose:

PS

A double pat on the head for opening up a topic that comes from your heart with a hug and a squeeze for telling the truth about your age.

[jtkarate01]

Hey BD,

This is my first real post, but i feel it's an important topic. I have always been an introverted person. I've had one or two close friends and not been a fan of meeting new people. That part comes from growing up in a small rich suburb of Boston, and not being rich or a jock. (i was overweight as a kid). Summer after senior year i discovered pot with my best friend, and life became fantastic. It let me interact and meet new people. I met so many people b/c i smoked.

I left for college and met many people there too. I was in college for almost 2 years before my introverted-ness came back big time. I became convinced that the friends i had at college went actually my friends and didn't care about me.

I left college moved home and became invovled in heavier drugs, the people i hung out with were the 'dark and depressed' crowd. I started using e, shrooms, acid, and lots of prescrips. It took a while but i realized that I was using these drugs to escape reality and my depression.

I must also say that i had a grilfriend, on and off, through this whole time who totally fucked with my head. We would get into a fight over something dumb and break up, and few days later we would get back together. Deffinitly not a healthy relationship. I was also living a double life, my drug life and my 'normal life', which the girl was part of.

So i realized i was depressed, and self medicating w/ drugs so i quit them and then lost my friends, and the girl dumped me and left Boston for college in LA. It was all to much and i decided there was nothing left for me. the only reason i didn't kill myself is that my girl's best friend actually talked me out of suicide.

I went into therapy (i decided no drugs, i wanted to become happy myself) and moved to LA (that was seperate from the girl moving here) Starting over in Cali made the BIG difference. I was able to start college and reinvent myself. I am happy, and have amazing friends.

So this story is really the idea that no matter how bad things get, there is always the ability to make it better. I suggest a psychologist (a talking doctor, no drugs). Decide on what you want to change, and think about HOW to change what you don't like, the psych will be able to help.

I'd be glad to give any more help or advice if I can. I know it's the obvious answer, but things get better.

good luck

[Lee Boudine]

Been there jtkarate01.

Chronic depression can be a medical condition indicating medication for permanent relief.

I find joy in my relationship with Jesus Christ which is not incompatable with the pervese hobby of BDSM. Read Matthew chapter 5 to become familiar with basic Christianity. It records the start of Jesus' ministry of teaching.

lee.






Hey BD,

This is my first real post, but i feel it's an important topic. I have always been an introverted person. I've had one or two close friends and not been a fan of meeting new people. That part comes from growing up in a small rich suburb of Boston, and not being rich or a jock. (i was overweight as a kid). Summer after senior year i discovered pot with my best friend, and life became fantastic. It let me interact and meet new people. I met so many people b/c i smoked.

I left for college and met many people there too. I was in college for almost 2 years before my introverted-ness came back big time. I became convinced that the friends i had at college went actually my friends and didn't care about me.

I left college moved home and became invovled in heavier drugs, the people i hung out with were the 'dark and depressed' crowd. I started using e, shrooms, acid, and lots of prescrips. It took a while but i realized that I was using these drugs to escape reality and my depression.

I must also say that i had a grilfriend, on and off, through this whole time who totally fucked with my head. We would get into a fight over something dumb and break up, and few days later we would get back together. Deffinitly not a healthy relationship. I was also living a double life, my drug life and my 'normal life', which the girl was part of.

So i realized i was depressed, and self medicating w/ drugs so i quit them and then lost my friends, and the girl dumped me and left Boston for college in LA. It was all to much and i decided there was nothing left for me. the only reason i didn't kill myself is that my girl's best friend actually talked me out of suicide.

I went into therapy (i decided no drugs, i wanted to become happy myself) and moved to LA (that was seperate from the girl moving here) Starting over in Cali made the BIG difference. I was able to start college and reinvent myself. I am happy, and have amazing friends.

So this story is really the idea that no matter how bad things get, there is always the ability to make it better. I suggest a psychologist (a talking doctor, no drugs). Decide on what you want to change, and think about HOW to change what you don't like, the psych will be able to help.

I'd be glad to give any more help or advice if I can. I know it's the obvious answer, but things get better.

good luck

[Stone]

OK well i can say this I know the feelings you feel my rage and hate for the world was strong.So i know there are other out there.I am not in that group anymore,I had gotten to the point where taking my life seemed like the only option cause of my contempt for the world and the stupid fuckers on it.I went and got help i was dianosed with Bi-Polar disorder and sliding to Uni-polar on the depressed side due to life constantly fucking with me.Now i am on wonderful wonderful meds I still am dark and morbid but i can enjoy it now

[dynamicbuttler]

Hey DB,

It may sound simple, but for things to change, sometimes we've got to change.

If you found a domme that made you happy,
would you let yourself be happy with her
or would you rather be happy being miserable?

Yup, I wrote it, "happy being miserable".
Just like there are those who are happy being angry,
or sad or any other emotion.

There have been a few rare moments in my life,
when I've been down that "I'm so depressed I should
just end it all" road. But who really knows?
This could be a one ticket, ride it all you can ride,
and I'd like to make that ride the most fun and
enjoyable that I can.

You have to do what works best for you.

As Ben Franklin said, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

I learned along time ago that happiness comes from inside, not the outside. It's a choice. All of our emotions are a choice, though some may be from an unconscious choice. Everything else is a reason or excuse to justify that choice.

You've joined the forum, met a bunch of folks who are happy and have asked very insightful questions.

I'm sure there are many lurkers who feel the same way or who have felt the same as you. It's hard to admit those feelings when it can be so politically incorrect.

ARE THERE ANY dark, sad, hateful, miserable, judgemental, black wearing, angry but in the end decent people in the BDSM community?

Of course, there are. Now will they admit it?
Hmmmmmmm

Ruby
:rose:

PS

A double pat on the head for opening up a topic that comes from your heart with a hug and a squeeze for telling the truth about your age.

aww, you're sweet... and full of great advice. *Kisses your feet* Your pats on the head feel like morphine :) :)

I hope I do find that domme- Maybe I could be happy then. I've only had one BDSM experience EVER though. I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, because I might have described it before. It was a few years back in Summer Camp... I was 14 or 15. We were on a HUGE bus ride from Florida to NY and I was sitting next to this girl. She was dark skinned (dominican or something) and tomboyish yet attractive. She eventually got bored of talking to other people and talked to me. Eventually, talking turned into wrestling, where she quickly realized how weak I was. Before I knew it, I was a toy for her amusement. She was smacking me around and elbowing my cock a little...

She humiliated me and shoved me in awkward positions as my friends laughed and took pictures. She sat on me (we were young then so i was only 5 feet or so... she was 5"8") She roughed me up so to speak, when eventually, she pulled my hair and dragged my head down, ordering me to close my eyes. I knew what was coming but had no choice, and I sealed my eeys shut listening to my heart racing. I was scared shitless and humiliated, when all of the sudden I recieved my first kiss: By force.

I was in heaven... she did it to me whennever there was a bus ride from that day forth untill camp ended. On the last day I worked up the courage to ask for her screen name when surprised, she says "why?"... As though she barely knew me and there would be little point in speaking. Then and there I realized it was all a big joke. I got really upset and was ruined for a while. It was as though I was on some kind of wonderful drug, then all of the sudden got shoved into reality, dark and alone. When I got better, I came to terms with the fact that i was used for physical comedy, and that my first kiss was forced and meaningless... It's kind of kinky, I guess. I just wish I wasn't so naive.

Anyway, that experience got me off emotionally and sexually. I eventually got a gf, (now my ex, but we were together for 18 months exactly) but it wasn't the same. I had to be the "man" and everything sucked. I don't care about an orgasm or a nice rack, I care about being so hot, so horny and so scared that you just shiver... I need to feel hot breath on the back of my neck while I pant for air. I need to be overpowered... I definitely know what i want but ill probly be miserable till i find it... bah

[Ruby]

DB,

She was a user who didn't deserve you.

And yet, what a thrill it must be to look back
on that experience and fantasize about how you
would have liked it to be, or what something like that can be when the domme is doing it for your and her benefit and not for anyone's joke.

Hang in there!

Ruby
:rose:

PS

You are quite spankable and the right lady will notice the gift you have to offer.

[dynamicbuttler]

DB,

She was a user who didn't deserve you.

And yet, what a thrill it must be to look back
on that experience and fantasize about how you
would have liked it to be, or what something like that can be when the domme is doing it for your and her benefit and not for anyone's joke.

Hang in there!

Ruby
:rose:

PS

You are quite spankable and the right lady will notice the gift you have to offer.

aww, thanks! I hope I'm spankable... and I hope I do get used again, but maybe for satisfaction instead of entertainment.

*hugs*

[Hime]

Hey BD,

This is my first real post, but i feel it's an important topic. I have always been an introverted person. I've had one or two close friends and not been a fan of meeting new people. That part comes from growing up in a small rich suburb of Boston, and not being rich or a jock. (i was overweight as a kid). Summer after senior year i discovered pot with my best friend, and life became fantastic. It let me interact and meet new people. I met so many people b/c i smoked.

I left for college and met many people there too. I was in college for almost 2 years before my introverted-ness came back big time. I became convinced that the friends i had at college went actually my friends and didn't care about me.

I left college moved home and became invovled in heavier drugs, the people i hung out with were the 'dark and depressed' crowd. I started using e, shrooms, acid, and lots of prescrips. It took a while but i realized that I was using these drugs to escape reality and my depression.

I must also say that i had a grilfriend, on and off, through this whole time who totally fucked with my head. We would get into a fight over something dumb and break up, and few days later we would get back together. Deffinitly not a healthy relationship. I was also living a double life, my drug life and my 'normal life', which the girl was part of.

So i realized i was depressed, and self medicating w/ drugs so i quit them and then lost my friends, and the girl dumped me and left Boston for college in LA. It was all to much and i decided there was nothing left for me. the only reason i didn't kill myself is that my girl's best friend actually talked me out of suicide.

I went into therapy (i decided no drugs, i wanted to become happy myself) and moved to LA (that was seperate from the girl moving here) Starting over in Cali made the BIG difference. I was able to start college and reinvent myself. I am happy, and have amazing friends.

So this story is really the idea that no matter how bad things get, there is always the ability to make it better. I suggest a psychologist (a talking doctor, no drugs). Decide on what you want to change, and think about HOW to change what you don't like, the psych will be able to help.

I'd be glad to give any more help or advice if I can. I know it's the obvious answer, but things get better.

good luck

Wow! Thank you for sharing your story. I really admire you for taking action to change your life for the better -- and I completely second your recommendation of a psychologist. Seeing a therapist helped me get through the one of the hardest times in my life.

[Rhabbi]

Actually, I agree with Lee above, if this depression is chronic maybe you should see a Dr.

Or it could be you are not as comfortable with who you are as you should be.

Anyway, whatever the solution, we are all her to help in any way we can.

[bpqueen]

Dear DB,

I must say that I empathize with the anger and frustration. I go through cycles where I hate the world and everything within it and where I close my eyes and go along for the ride. I am rarely, if ever, happy, and am ALWAYS angry and irritated. The sadness comes and goes, but the anger is always there. I have very few friends, and the close friends that I have had have all judged me and no longer speak with me. Obviously, my biggest fear is of rejection, and I now rarely stick my neck out to meet others. This forum is my first attempt at sticking to something.

I am horrible at meaningful conversations, and usually never manage to say anything to make anyone else feel any better (hence why people never call me anymore to talk about their problems), but I wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and I admire your having the ability to tell your story. I am not yet at that level.

--BPQ