Encouraging Him

[seriouslynosn]

Hello all,

I am currently in a vanilla relationship right now. I care for him very much, and we are planning on moving together when I finish college. What attracted me to him from the beginning was his confidence and dominance. He struck me as a Dom, but whenever I bring up BDSM stuff he seems quite turned off. He knows I've dabbled in bondage and other things and own a lot of stuff, but he wont use any of it. I told him of a sex positive group I know of in Seattle (I might be moving there) and he told me he wouldn't be comfortable with that sort of thing.

Do you have any suggestions on how to bring him out of his shell? How can I awaken the inner Dominant in him? How do you erase hang-ups?

[Sir_Russell]

seriouslynosn

It may never happen if you have already broached the subject with him and been turned down. He has a right to have his personal turn ons and turn offs. For me it hard to believe that any man would refuse to have a lovely bound and at his mercy but sadly I know they are out there.

Only thing I can advise you to try is wear his favorite sexy outfit and handcuff yourself behind your back and then go to him. Kneel infront of him and use your mouth to open his pants then engulf his cock with your mouth. Once he is hard tell him to control how you suck by grabbing your head and hair.

If that fails I think it is a lost cause.

Russell

[His_blizzard]

seriouslynosn

It may never happen if you have already broached the subject with him and been turned down. He has a right to have his personal turn ons and turn offs. For me it hard to believe that any man would refuse to have a lovely bound and at his mercy but sadly I know they are out there.

Only thing I can advise you to try is wear his favorite sexy outfit and handcuff yourself behind your back and then go to him. Kneel infront of him and use your mouth to open his pants then engulf his cock with your mouth. Once he is hard tell him to control how you suck by grabbing your head and hair.

If that fails I think it is a lost cause.

Russell

I actually believe that Sir_Russell gave you the perfect answer. *sighs*

[lily27]

I have posted this one before, but here is an article about submissive women with vanilla partners. I think it is quite good.

ww w.submissivewomenspeak.net/ponypearl.htm

I wish it was a little more cheery... but unfortunately you may have to decide what is more important to you.

[dynamicbuttler]

Yo, he's probably not into that kind of stuff. I've seen dozens of posts on forum after forum about some girl who expects her man to be more controlling. The fact is, for some guys, including myself, this sort of thing is either not too fun or a complete turn off. What if, like me, he's a male submissive? Then the sight of your body helpless before him might do little or nothing for his sex drive.

[seriouslynosn]

I have posted this one before, but here is an article about submissive women with vanilla partners. I think it is quite good.

ww w.submissivewomenspeak.net/ponypearl.htm

I wish it was a little more cheery... but unfortunately you may have to decide what is more important to you.

Awe Crap! >< That's sooo right. We are about to move across country....somewhere he doesn't exactly want to go..... I have to have him read this. I think that's the only way. My submissiveness often keeps me from saying things to him that I know he wont like. But he deserves to know this.

[Rhabbi]

I think you are basically faced with three scenarios;
He finds out you are right about him, and that he is a Dominant.
Accept that you are wrong about this man and try to live with him.
Find another man.

This is an oversimplification, as even if he is a Dom and is willing to admit it, he may not be able to overcome the cultural conditioning.

[gloombunny]

seriouslynosn

It may never happen if you have already broached the subject with him and been turned down. He has a right to have his personal turn ons and turn offs. For me it hard to believe that any man would refuse to have a lovely bound and at his mercy but sadly I know they are out there.

Only thing I can advise you to try is wear his favorite sexy outfit and handcuff yourself behind your back and then go to him. Kneel infront of him and use your mouth to open his pants then engulf his cock with your mouth. Once he is hard tell him to control how you suck by grabbing your head and hair.

If that fails I think it is a lost cause.
When the round peg won't go into the square hole, hitting it with a bigger hammer is not the solution.

[seriouslynosn]

I think you are basically faced with three scenarios;
He finds out you are right about him, and that he is a Dominant.
Accept that you are wrong about this man and try to live with him.
Find another man.

This is an oversimplification, as even if he is a Dom and is willing to admit it, he may not be able to overcome the cultural conditioning.


Yes, I believe you are correct. I wonder which one I have courage for. I know the best choice is #3, although #1 would be wonderful!

[cadence]

NatalieD Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir_Russell
seriouslynosn

It may never happen if you have already broached the subject with him and been turned down. He has a right to have his personal turn ons and turn offs. For me it hard to believe that any man would refuse to have a lovely bound and at his mercy but sadly I know they are out there.

Only thing I can advise you to try is wear his favorite sexy outfit and handcuff yourself behind your back and then go to him. Kneel infront of him and use your mouth to open his pants then engulf his cock with your mouth. Once he is hard tell him to control how you suck by grabbing your head and hair.

If that fails I think it is a lost cause.

When the round peg won't go into the square hole, hitting it with a bigger hammer is not the solution.


Actually I don't think that this is necessarily true. I have tried a similar method on my b/f and it worked surprisingly well. He has some Dom tendencies and whether or not he will fully utalize them is his decision. We have had a non-existent sex life until I finally had to communicate to him about how I feel and what I want, and push the issue a little bit. You won't know if you don't at least try.



seriouslynosn
Yes, I believe you are correct. I wonder which one I have courage for. I know the best choice is #3, although #1 would be wonderful!

I don't really have any good advice to offer, but I will say that I have been and still am in your shoes.
I have only recently discovered my submissive side, and would have prefered to have been able to figure it out much sooner than now.
I too have options such as what Rhabbi has stated, but they are much more complicated for me now.
If you do know that this is the path you truly want to follow, then you know what your decision is.
My suggestion to you is that you communicate everything to your b/f as to what you are feeling and what you want. Lay everything down on the line, and see where the both of you want to go with this.
Maybe I am going to be a downer, but knowing where you both stand before you make any full time commitments to each other will more than likely be easier to handle in the long run.

[anonymouse]

Do you have any suggestions on how to bring him out of his shell?

The answer to the question is right there in your question: he's the one you need to think of if you're to have any chance to 'bring him out'. You sound as if you've already talked a lot with him, and this is definitely a good thing. However, from what you've said, it seems to be that you've divulged everything that you want -- what does he want?

An approach you could use is to offer to satisfy him in a way of his choosing. Invite him to be creative and not hold back his fantasies. To do this is to give him the decision-making power. It may transpire that he doesn't want anything more demanding than a massage. Run with that. It's something he wants and you're prepared to serve him as per his wishes.

Let's say he confesses something more unusual -- something where you have to think, 'Am I prepared to go that far for him?' Go that far! Make him aware that it isn't something you'd necessarily want to do every day but, impress on him that you are prepared to give him the pleasure he desires. That said, you can make it conditional on him indulging one of your fantasies that he says isn't appealing, or that he's not so agreeable to do. It sounds like blackmail, I know, but in a loving relationship this kind of blackmail can be an enjoyable game for both partners.

I hope that helps? Good luck with whatever happens.

anonymouse

[Ozme52]

Just because he has a dominant personality doesn't imply in any way shape or form that he's a Dom personality. Lot's of A-type personalities in the work place and social settings are actually submissives in bed...

and believe it or not... some are even... gasp... vanilla.

I suggest if you're truly submissive and he's not a lifestyler... move on. Look at all the people at all the various bdsm websites who are stifled by their vanilla relationships.

[coookie]

i believe Ozme has hit the nail on the head there ... *applauds

[gloombunny]

Actually I don't think that this is necessarily true. I have tried a similar method on my b/f and it worked surprisingly well. He has some Dom tendencies and whether or not he will fully utalize them is his decision. We have had a non-existent sex life until I finally had to communicate to him about how I feel and what I want, and push the issue a little bit. You won't know if you don't at least try.

Oh, certainly. I just got the impression that seriouslynosn had already tried a number of things, and that I was responding to a suggestion to try pushing even harder, which doesn't seem like a good plan to me.

[seriouslynosn]

Oh, certainly. I just got the impression that seriouslynosn had already tried a number of things, and that I was responding to a suggestion to try pushing even harder, which doesn't seem like a good plan to me.

You are right, although I haven't exactly told him how important it is to me. I just suggested "something fun" to try....and he wouldn't go for it. A long time ago I told him a little and he sounded interested. That's the only reason I thought we would be ok...but I think he was just trying to impress me at that time.

[TomOfSweden]

He finds out you are right about him, and that he is a Dominant.


There is the possibility that he's a dominant person without being into BDSM or even liking being dominant in the bed. A dominant, but not a Dominant. One of my best friends is extremly dominant. But he doesn't understand kinky sex in the least.

[Rhabbi]

There is the possibility that he's a dominant person without being into BDSM or even liking being dominant in the bed. A dominant, but not a Dominant. One of my best friends is extremly dominant. But he doesn't understand kinky sex in the least.

Actually, Tom and the others have an excellant point here. I have learned that the opposite is just as true, people can be submissive in everything outside of the bedroom and totally take control there.

There are things I have learned to look for in a sub, but I have never really had any success in making a sub out of a submissive person. The choice has to come from inside each person, and all we can do is take what they can give.

[seriouslynosn]

Actually, Tom and the others have an excellant point here. I have learned that the opposite is just as true, people can be submissive in everything outside of the bedroom and totally take control there.

There are things I have learned to look for in a sub, but I have never really had any success in making a sub out of a submissive person. The choice has to come from inside each person, and all we can do is take what they can give.


I'm getting off subject a bit, but I am not a submissive person to just anyone. There are a few people I have felt that way towards, but my closest friends normally call me things like "confident", "outspoken", "opinionated", etc. The ones that I submit to are usually the ones that make me want to....know what I mean? So, my submissiveness to him is because of him and his personality. It's strange because he just thinks that's the person I am and I know he thinks I have low self-esteem because of my wish to put him first...but we all know that isn't true.

Unfortunately, I have misjudged the level of submission I am comfortable with. I thought just being with a dominant type personality would be enough...but it isn't. I just have to be brave and tell him.

[Cage]

Most of the discussion so far has focused on the case where he is not naturally dominant in a sexual or romantic context. In that case, I agree with pretty much everything that's been posted so far. I think the advice on how to proceed in that eventuality has been right on.

I'm thinking it might also be useful to talk about what if he really does have an "inner dom" but is reluctant to bring it to bear on seriouslynosn. How might she go about finding evidence of that being the case? And assuming it is the case, how might she go about helping him work past those hang-ups?

As for the first question, a few thoughts came to mind as I tried to decide for myself, based on the little information I got from seriouslynosn's posts, whether I would bet on him having an inner dom or not. Thoughts like:

Has he ever been rough or aggressive during sex?
Does he like to tease?
Does he have a "thing" for porn that focuses on objectifying or dominating women, such as gangbangs or facials?


Certainly none of those things are guarantees that he has dominant tendencies, but any "yes" answers could be considered a small clue pointing in that direction. Anyone else have any ideas about other things that might be an indicator of hidden desires to extend his dominant behaviors into the sexual arena?



As far as how to help him work past his hang-ups (assuming, for the sake of conversation, that there are just some hang-ups that are preventing him from acheiving his full dom potential and it's not just a complete lack of potential), I think the best way to come up with strategies would be to identify the hang-up(s) involved. From my personal experiences, a couple hang-ups come to mind:

I was raised with two over-the-top chivalrous ideals: never hit a woman and always defend the underdog. (Blame it on the single mother and a shitload of superhero cartoons.) Even though I was tying up every girl in the neighborhood at age 5, I still had a lot of difficulty with the idea of inflicting pain on even a willing woman, as an adult. It's not a particularly complicated intellectual exercise to work through the idea that she wants it and it makes her feel good and you want to make her feel good and so tying her up and spanking her is a winning proposition for everyone involved...but it did take me some time to reconcile that with a lifetime of childishly black-and-white ideals. Is there any indication that he may have the same thing going on? If so, you need to help him understand that BDSM is not the same thing as abuse.

The second hang-up was the idea that I could be strict and demanding and even sadistic to A Willing Woman, but it felt a little fucked up to do it to my One True Love, even if she was also A Willing Woman. Obviously, that's indicative of some leftover feelings that BDSM is wrong. It just takes some experience with the whole thing to see and eventually truly understand and believe that it isn't inherently wrong and can actually be a very healthy thing. I mention that because it's possible that you have been accurately reading indications that he is sexually dominant, but he may be hesitant to inflict those desires upon you. In that case, I you might need to help him understand why you want it -- what needs it fulfills, what issues (if any) you feel it helps you work through, etc.

The last thing that hung me up a little was that I just plain felt ridiculous at first. Like who puts on a mask and makes someone kneel in the middle of the room and beg forgiveness for not doing the dishes? Even though reading about it or RP'ing it out on a MUSH turned me on, I felt a little foolish actually acting it out. Even today, the contrived things like "You be a history teacher and I'll be naughty co-ed who never pays attention in class and now needs some extra help" make me cringe a little.

I think it's a lot like the common man's hang-up with dancing. As a younger man, I just didn't dance. But then one day I realized that women -- for the most part -- really like to dance and want men to dance with them, even if the men aren't great dancers. Having the balls to get out there and dance will usually earn you more points with a woman than looking like a jackass while doing it will cost you. (This assumes that you are just bad in the typical sense. If you look so horrible that no one in the room can imagine you thrusting your hips after watching you dance, then stick with the "I don't dance" thing, unless you want a whole shitload of female friends.) If that's all it is, then just lay off the props and ritualistic elements at first and make it worth his while to leave his comfort zone.

Anyone else have any ideas about what hang-ups might be standing in his way or how she might deal with them?

[Rhabbi]

Anyone else have any ideas about what hang-ups might be standing in his way or how she might deal with them?

Actually, a bunch, but dealing with them is more of an individual thing than anything. I thought your suggestions were good ones though.

Something that might actually work is going by the book store and finding some erotica you like, and then asking him to read it. Then getting him to talk about his fantasies. If you can find something that he would like, it might help you get him to accept what you like.

[robart]

At first I thougt:
What about deviding it. Searching a dominant for the submissive needs in you, with the consence of your partner. Since BDSM doesn't really need to involve the classical penis-in-vagina-sex, it might be quite acceptable for him. Perhaps he would even come to like horny an sex-depraved of you when you come to him after a session of pain.

On an other thread (or board?) I once read the tip to try a threesome with a domina. You can be submissive, and he won't get jealousy or homophoby in his way. Perhaps he even dreamed of "doing it with two women".

Since you stated that you are only submissive to _him_, it might be a little more complicated.

[seriouslynosn]

At first I thougt:
What about deviding it. Searching a dominant for the submissive needs in you, with the consence of your partner. Since BDSM doesn't really need to involve the classical penis-in-vagina-sex, it might be quite acceptable for him. Perhaps he would even come to like horny an sex-depraved of you when you come to him after a session of pain.

On an other thread (or board?) I once read the tip to try a threesome with a domina. You can be submissive, and he won't get jealousy or homophoby in his way. Perhaps he even dreamed of "doing it with two women".

Since you stated that you are only submissive to _him_, it might be a little more complicated.

Actually, the domina idea has been running through my mind. Even like a little "how to" session if he would be willing. There's a positive sex place in Seattle I plan to join when/if we move there and I'm hoping he will join with me. That way he can expand his horrizons with me and feel perhaps a little liberation in the mean time! I think it is just inexperience on his part mixed with an unwillingness to "hurt" me. The out of bedroom stuff seems a little confusing to him, but perhaps with all of these suggestions I can see what works.

I just don't want to lose him, but I understand that as a possibility.