BDSM and sexual abuse

[jiggy]

Its saddens me to read that many people "into" bdsm have been sexually abused in their younger years and many then move into bdsm feeling they are worthless and deserve nothing and hence fall into the sub role.

I think its disgusting people have sick agendas to want to abuse a sub more knowing this information. Statistically 80% of people sexually abused get pulled into bdsm and are further taken advantage of.

[ceegee{Benz}]

A good thread to start jiggy...smiles



People automatically think of abuse
as something ouside the lifestyle,
but they are far from wrong.
Abuse happens everywhere, even
in this life we choose to lead.
As a victim/survivour of abuse myself
I know exactly what it feels like.
You loose all faith and trust...
especially in yourself,
and it takes time to rebuild something
that once was.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Here is my Story:
A few years ago I had a mentor, who was also a very close
friend of mine, and he asked me one day if I would be kind enough
to help him out. I said sure.
Met him and his submissive and some guy who my Mentor had
taken under his wing to train
and we all got along just fine.
My Mentor asked us both to bend over a
spanking horse and we took out positions.
The time had come for this guy to be shown how to flog his submissive.
My mentor showed 1st with his submissive then the other guy copied with me.
All was going well,until My mentor and his submissive sat
back and watched me and this guy.
1st was ok...
gentle warm ups with foam flogger then getting harsher.
This guy had told me a safe word and agreed that this
should be used if i felt the need to.
them to my horror he grabbed a plain leather paddle
started to wack me with it 1stly over the buttocks hard
then over my back.....
then desided that wasnt enuff so he grabed a riding crop...
wack wack wack.
By this point i was crying...yelling to stop
"whats the safe word whore?"
"I cant remember" im crying.... wack wack wack.
my mentor freaked and tried to get this guy off
but with his spare hand he grabbed a very thin bamboo cane....
wack wack wack right across my kidnies....
by this time i was howling screaming stop but
he just carried on and on.
my Mentor went barmy and finally grabbed him and the cane.
And i collasped to the floor with my mentor's submissive crying oh my god.
I do not remember much after then....flash backs come and go.
like my mentor shouting to his submissive.....
go run a cool bath with plenty of salt.
I also remember being carried up the stairs with
my Mentor whispering im sorry im so sorry.

Next thing i remember properly after that was
waking up wrapped in a towel on the sofa.
it took a few days to recover and i could not sit for weeks.
we never saw this guy again but turned out he
only wanted the thrill of being in control.
From what i was told after, my mentor literally threw
this guy out after placing a blow into his face.
I still bare some whelt marks now that will never disappear...
scared for life.
but i live to tell the tale and i still enjoy the
life that has been chosen for me,but am more cautious now.


That was not my 1st case of abuse.
Back in July 1989 i was raped...............
I also left an abusive marriage at the beginning of 2006.

[jiggy]

i think alot of so called doms have alot to answer for regarding preying of victims to make them their subs and manipulate them

[Rhabbi]

Its saddens me to read that many people "into" bdsm have been sexually abused in their younger years and many then move into bdsm feeling they are worthless and deserve nothing and hence fall into the sub role.

I think its disgusting people have sick agendas to want to abuse a sub more knowing this information. Statistically 80% of people sexually abused get pulled into bdsm and are further taken advantage of.


Everybody has problems, the sane person deals with them in a way that works for them.

I always want to know about a sub’s previous problems with abuse so that I can avoid things that would upset her. I know of one sub that enjoyed rough sex but had an absolute limit of face slapping. Why? Because a previous bf had slapped her in anger, so she always associated slapping with anger and abuse. I am sure that if she had found BDSM first she would have accepted face slapping as easily as she did hair pulling and flogging.

Statistics show that abused people end up in BDSM because a significant number of people who are abused actually choose the personality type that likes to control them. The problem is not simply that people are abused, but that many subs are turned off the BDSM lifestyle because of cultural misconceptions.

Abuse is always wrong, as any but an abuser would agree with. But BDSM is not about abuse, it is about consent. If you do not understand this, why are you here?

[ceegee{Benz}]

[QUOTE=Rhabbi;263984]

I always want to know about a sub’s previous problems with abuse so that I can avoid things that would upset her. QUOTE]


Benz knows all about my previous experiances and we do work a way around them so i feel comfy at all times .
I have never kept any of my unfortunate experiances from him.
also if the Dominant doesnt know whats happened in the past to their partner then they wont know and it will trigger bad memories again

[Sir_Russell]

I can't say that I agree with numbers quoted but I do agree that you have to know the sub/slave's past. I have had sub/slaves that have been abused and those that haven't been.

I also wonder what percent of the population has been abused in the USA I saw stats that say over 60 percent of the females have been.

I was with 2 other Doms 30 plus years ago that beat a Dom poser/abuser to a pulp and put him on a greyhound bus with instructions never to come back to the tampa bay area again. He convienced an unowned sub that he was a very experienced Dom. She was well know and somewhat simple girl that was a group pet and well like by us mean old Dominants.

Russell

[ceegee{Benz}]

those in the lifestyle do not take lightly to a Dom abusing a sub/slave...and yes they are shunted out of the community...and word spreads like wildfire

[pixie_dust]

Quote: Statistics show that abused people end up in BDSM because a significant number of people who are abused actually choose the personality type that likes to control them.

I agree with Rhabbi with this. Being controlled/submissive is a choice, but far different than being abused. I am one of these statistics, previously being in a very abusive relationship. However, the first six years of my current relationship were very vanilla. It was my decision to approach him with the idea of BDSM because I felt there was something missing in our relationship. Not wanting to lose him, I approached him and (thankfully) he was willing to learn about it and give it a try.

Quote: Its saddens me to read that many people "into" bdsm have been sexually abused in their younger years and many then move into bdsm feeling they are worthless and deserve nothing and hence fall into the sub role.

I assure you, I have a very healthy sense of self-esteem. I do not feel worthless or that I deserve nothing. I take a great deal of pride in my values, my job, my family, and how I serve my Dom (whether it be caring for our home, how I maintain my appearance, and in my behavior).

[his_delilah (GS)]

O, ceegee. I first want to say, I'm so very sorry for you. Really I am.
I know it will not cure your wounds, but still...

[ceegee{Benz}]

O, ceegee. I first want to say, I'm so very sorry for you. Really I am.
I know it will not cure your wounds, but still...


smiles and ty

i ahve the story on my own site basically because i didnt want others to feel alienated and think that it was normal as such to be abused in this lifestyle. just wanted people to know that it does happen

hugz

ceegee

[his_delilah (GS)]

I think this is a very interesting thread. I've been wondering so often how many people here just use BDSM to be treated like dirt.
I do think it is a sad story for everyone who has been abused, but I also think when you have a history like that you have a certain responsibility to be honest with your Dom about it. Abused people often can act like there strong and they can handle everything.
I made this mistake myself. I have had a disrespectfull boyfriend and he hurted me a lot. In the beginning of my relationship with my current boyfriend (or now my Master) I thought everything was allright. I mean He respected me, he cared for me, I was save. The problem was, because I felt safe, I remembered my hidden memories and feelings. It triggered me. And just to feel worthless, I used Him. I asked Him to use me, to ignore my feelings. I am so very thankfull that He cared for me and never even thought of using me like that.
We've been talking about it a lot. And we chose not to do kinky stuff, until I was more confident. I worked hard and my Master was helping me so very hard. I will be thankfull for it all my life. At this moment He trusts me when I say it's okay with me. Because He sees how happy I am being His sub. And that I don't punish myself by being His sub. Sometimes it still goes wrong. But my Master has to trust I will tell Him when something triggers me.

It's very important you can trust eachother. Everyone has his responsibilities, also the sub. It's the Dom's responsibility to care for his sub. But it's also a great responsibility and for some subs also a great task not to use your Dom to feel worthless.

[TomOfSweden]

It seems like a lot of BDSM people have this mind-set that they are perverse...ie abnormal in their sexual needs. So they try desperatly to find where it went wrong. Normality when it comes to sex is just bullshit. Fetishism is commonplace and all sex is at some level about domination. So where is the perversity?

Here's a theory. Trauma in our life causes us to revalue life and helps us to decide what is important for us. Practicing BDSM is ultimatly about feeling more alive, right? To feel more. That to me doesn't sound like it's about broken people.

Besides, what could be defined as trauma is so incredibly subjective. I know several people who had horrific uppbringings who aren't into BDSM at all. I've also heard BDSM slave-girls crying about stuff that in my ears was simply pathetic. And all I want to do is slap them for being such whiney cunts.

Anybody who think they're sick will off-course invariably find something wrong with them. People like that should just stop. It isn't a healthy attitude.

I'm an overactive guy. Extremly. So I went to my doctor and asked if I had ADD. He just asked me if I was passing my exams at university. And I was. His reply to this was just, "Who cares. If it's nothing making you handicapped then why bother finding fault. People are different."

[his_delilah (GS)]

I don't get your point Tom...

[TomOfSweden]

I don't get your point Tom...

My point is that vanilla isn't normal and BDSM isn't strange. If we believe BDSM is something that has gone wrong we will look for and find something in our background to show where it went "wrong", no matter how irrelevant that evidence may be.