Dating in BDSM

[_ID_]

Ok, didn't see this in any threads I searched for, so I would like to post this for debate...

I've talked with someone recently who sparked my curiosity about stigma's associated with dating while in the lifestyle.

For a male to seek out and meet multiple female contacts, get to know them, even play with them. Most of the time, a negative stigma doesn't get associated with the male seeking this time of activity out (not that I know of anyway, hence the posting of this thread).

My curiosity comes where women are concerned. What are people's perception about women, Domme or sub, that engage in dating with multiple contacts at the same time over a period of weeks or even months? If a woman is seeing 2, 3 or even 4 separate men, does that have a negative impact on her reputation? Do people perceive this as 'whorish' or 'loose' in some way?

I am going to add a poll to this, so that people can give input without worry of their view being the only one.

I am curious to know how the community feels about this.

[Sir_Russell]

I think that as long as everyone knows it is fine.

I worry though in this day of AIDs that it holds a danger to those that live the life that way

[lily27]

My views are pretty close to Sir Russell's... as long as people are open and honest.

However, personally if I were dating multiple people, or if someone I was dating was still seeing multiple people, I would prefer if there was no sexual contact involved. But to each their own.

I do understand what you mean, ID. I don't think that as a whole, the lifestyle's view of this is much different that in the vanilla world.... men are studs, and women are sluts.

[Radiance]

I am into one on one ,if you find the right person why do you need more? what does it prove to have more,does it make you more of a dom/Domme,Hell no and i agree with SR in the world of aids i woudnt fuck around at all.Period.

[Ocean_Soul]

If I'm seeing someone, them seeing anyone besides me is unacceptable. Likewise, I would not see someone else while I was dating a submissive.

Besides me being possessive my reasons strongly mirror what Radiance said. If I'm not good enough to her to pursue with all her heart or if she's not good enough for me to pursue with all my heart than as far as I'm concerned things weren't meant to be.

And as to how it appears or I think it appears. That's a bit harder and depends on the observers perspective, obviously, which is why you asked. A lot of things I look at and see them simply as things I don't want to get involved in or practice rather than see them as negative or wrong. This included.

[Guest 91108]

Stigmas and stereotypes are for closed minded people.

Anyone with intelligence is going to be safe and healthy in what they do..

As for one or more .. male or female, Smiles.. i think that's not important from either side. see first statement. Those who make comments against should be commented on.

[LikelySuspect]

Just in the vanilla world, which is where most of my experience lies, I think there is quite a social stigma towards dating multiple partners.

I definately agree with the others in the way that, If i alone am not ghood enough for you, then why am I with you? Of course there are exceptions to said rule, as there are exceptions to all rules, but I am pretty damn possesive.

Secondly, Its more acceptable (seemingly) for a Dom/me to have multiple subs, than a sub to have multiple Dom/mes. Makes sence i guess, but just another thing to think about...

(Shhhhhhh I'm sleep deprived)

[Rhabbi]

Persoannly I would think that as long as it is open it should be OK, but there are always that will judge someone else, even here. And the stigma is probably worse against a woman than a man.

[Psynymph]

well i think my thread called "Virtue" might be kinda helpful....

i had just recently added a new post talking about does it cheapen one's submission if they give it to several Doms?

i stand with everyone else. As long as your completely honest and willing to communicate things shouldn't go wrong. Obvisously not everyone agrees it's ok to date more than one person at a time, but other's do. So it's just a matter of finding out everyone that is involved opinions and going from there.

Same for sex or sexual play. You just need to be honest and open and realize that what's ok by you may not be ok by the person you are interested in. And always be safe as possible.

[tessa]

Ok, now that I've gone back and re-read through the nymphette's thread...

I don't think any stigma should be attached at all, to male or female, for dating or being involved with multiple people. Should being the operative word. Just through conversations and discussions, I believe stigma is attached by some, and done so more to women than men, unfair as that is. My opinion is that if all parties are accepting of multiple tangents within the relationship, and all the people involved are cognizant of each tangent, then do it and have more fun than should be had.

For me personally, I am a one-on-one type person. I can flirt around til the sun decides to stop shining, but in the way of offering it all up and being in a serious relationship, I want him and no one else and I want him to want only me. Part of that idea is based on insecurity and trust issues, if I'm being honest. The rest of it is based on me never learning to share. Not well at least. But that's my idea for myself. I don't try and force my ideals onto others and don't want others to judge me based on my beliefs about what works for me.

I have to add one more thing here. If anyone says, "well I don't like the way condoms feel, so I don't want to use them" run and run fast. Keep running and never stop. At least where that one is concerned.

:wave:

[moptop]

I think, if anything, that it is more current in the lifestyle than in vanilla world, for one Dom/me to have multiple subs; and that there is less stigma attached to that. For one sub to have multiple Dom/mes, Masters/istresses etc., is less well seen, and probably more difficult anyway: the dominant types are also very possesive a lot of the time! Certainly, I think we attach more social stigma, in the lifestyle as out of it, to women than to men. Quite strange really, in a world where being a total slut is a plus, it is still not right... to be a total slut!

Personally, I believe in one-to-one, fulfilling, loving relationships, and would very much like that to be how my life is. Various of you will know that that has not been happening for me recently. Everything is known by all parties, but actually, that does not make it easier, nice, alright, either my actions or the other peoples'. After all, managing to make a relationship work that contains only two people is hard enough, how on earth do we imagine that we can keep multiple people happy? But that is not really what ID was asking about.

[Psynymph]

well i've thought about the same thing moptop, but for me personally, i think in a secure D/s or M/s relationship adding a sister sub can enhance things.

granted you don't want to involved another person right away but after awhile, after the Dom and first sub have gotten to know each other very well, have lived together, have experience together, i personally think adding another submissive can be a very good thing for both.

i know i personally have always wanted a sister sub. i think if a Dom and His first submissive find the right sister sub, it can help alleviate some pressure from both sides. lol like i use to tease Azrael about how if i had a sister sub we could take our brattiness out on each other before He got home so He wouldn't have to deal with it.

but again it just boils down to what is right for you.......

[nk_lion]

For me, one to one. If the girl wants to meet more people, she can, but I rather not be one of them. I don't think that makes her a slut or hoar that unfortunately tags women almost too easily.
The only thing I can do about this unfair perception is to not say those things myself, and encourage those around me not to.

But, one interesting thing that I've personally seen. Most of the people who label other females are girls that I know. I've rarely heard a guy use those words.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I have been a victim of negativity regarding my dating which was mostly vanilla to BDSM people and mostly kinky to vanilla people. *ggls* Everyone I was seeing knew about the others. No commitment was given to anyone or asked of anyone. It was fun for awhile, but scheduling becomes rather difficult. *snickers* Anywho, I have had a couple of friends' boyfriends/husbands not want them hanging out with me because of my "reputation." WTF?!!! *rolling my eyes* I have finally met someone who is interested in more than a casual relationship and requested monogomy, which I am agreeable to. As for the guys, I have heard the expression "collector" used to describe Doms who have several submissives at their disposal.

Let he/she who is without sin cast the first stone! *waits for the cries of slut, whore, tramp, etc. and runs for cover*

[Guest 91108]

hrm. if one has the time and also has the compassion , willingness and desire .. I see no problem with it whatever happens. Nor am I one to worry much over the thoughts of from them. It can even be fun to watch their reactions on occassion ... Man is not a monogamous animal. I've said that before. Chuckles.

I think Red's bringing up the expression "collector" as something some can't get to just because their mindset is unable to understand, unable to accept, and reflects a closed mindedness in my opinion.

I think some enter relations with people who are willing to be open to more than one .. and can't understand how someone can give just one more person attention when they find someone who is nice and deserving.

footnote ... I do not consider myself a "collector" grins.

[Ocean_Soul]

hrm. if one has the time and also has the compassion , willingness and desire .. I see no problem with it whatever happens. Nor am I one to worry much over the thoughts of from them. It can even be fun to watch their reactions on occassion ... Man is not a monogamous animal. I've said that before. Chuckles.

I think Red's bringing up the expression "collector" as something some can't get to just because their mindset is unable to understand, unable to accept, and reflects a closed mindedness in my opinion.

I think some enter relations with people who are willing to be open to more than one .. and can't understand how someone can give just one more person attention when they find someone who is nice and deserving.

footnote ... I do not consider myself a "collector" grins.

The human being is more than some animal, I believe. What one person likes is not necessarily what another will or can like if they would just be a little more open minded. To achieve a fully open mind I don’t think one has to go for everything extreme and beyond.

I only want one person to love in that way just like I don’t want to study the arts, sit at my desk all day, do hard laborious work all day, go to bed right now or take a dump on my pets face.

That’s simply who I am, it’s not because I’m some cookie cutter creature with different mental hang-ups.

That being said I don’t have much problem with other people doing it.