A question about one's dominance.

[AzraelCoburn]

Hello all, for those of you who do not know me, my name is Azrael. There isn't much to know about me, except for what needs to be said for the answers I am seeking. I have been a dom for seven years now, and have practiced the lifestyle with a good hand full of subs. All my encounters however have always seemed to end in failure, almost as they were doomed from the get go. I have always known the reason was a large form of miscommunication, and no matter how many times I have attempted to fix the mistake... it seems it never pulls through. Several months ago I came out of a three year break from the lifestyle, one I took for these very reasons, to take on a sub who I found worthy enough to come back for. It lasted for a few months, a few very glorious months. Yet like all the other d/s relationships it failed once again. The two of us remained close friends, but there was one problem. I still can not get over wanting to own her. In my own opinion I am frightful that this wanting and craving is going to drive a even further gap between us. Now I find myself just wishing to hang up the whip and forget the entire thing. Has any one felt this way before? If so how did you handle it? I know my dominance will always be a part of me, but I just have this sinking feeling that it's time to retire from it. There are so many mixed agendas between the two of us now, and although there is a strong will on my end, there seems to be none on her's.

I suppose in all I am looking for advice, from those of you who have done this a lot longer then I. I ask you please... share your knowledge with me.. perhaps aid my decision in all this.


Azrael

[tessa]

I am not a Mistress (nor a Master for that matter). But ther are so many knowledgeable ones here and I'm sure their advice will be very helpful to you.

My best to you as you search for your way.

tessa

[AzraelCoburn]

Thank you Tessa, the best of wishes means a lot.

[moptop]

Azrael, I'm not a Master/Mistress either, but I wonder if a PM to Sir Russell, to let him know this thread is here, might help. He is a very thoughtful person, and experienced dom, and seems always to have intelligent insight into issues. My own instinct is - no, don't give up on it: you just need to find a way through. Perhaps you need more patience: if you truly wish to own someone, i.e. for them to be your complete slave, with total power exchange, then I think that would take a long, gentle, communicative time to get to: they would be giving you everything. And however much they may want to, it still takes a huge amount of trust and courage to get there, I think. You can't push it - and you cannot expect all subs to be capable of it, or even to want it.

[Rhabbi]

Azrael,

This is part of what i have seen so often since the rise of the internet. What makes a relationship work is time and hard work. I always try to start slow and get to know someone before I get invloved, but I do not always succeed at this. If I did I would have a lot less pain in my life.

My simplest advice to you is to concentrate on the relationship that is the bsais of D/s, then explore Dominance and submission with this person, then go on to work on the other aspects of BDSM.

[His_blizzard]

I would suggest you reading the thread I am posting the link to and see if that is helpful. I think wingsofanangel plucked these tips out of every subs minds and hearts and souls:


http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?p=275124#post275124

[AzraelCoburn]

I truly thank you all for your comments and advice. It is rather complicated to explain really. This was not really a net relationship but a real time one. I am uncertain what it is that causes me to act in such a way... but I know I want her, and want to be the one who breaks her. Yet then again as people have always stated... I have indeed always had a problem with wanting what I can not possibly have.

As for my dominance... Yes it is true, perhaps this whole thing is just putting me in a series of doubts. I know it is not the factor of what I do or how I handle subs. I am quite confident in everything that I do now. I am just curious if any has ever, you know, been through a likely situation. I mean part of me wonders if an early retirement would be for the best. Perhaps wait until the time comes along again to take up the whip. It is dreadfully confusing really, I hate to admit it, but this is almost like a high school crush drama scenario. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Oh well...

Once more thank you for your comments, and please keep them coming. Your help is greatly appreciated and held with the utmost respect.

Azrael

[SirW]

I truly thank you all for your comments and advice. It is rather complicated to explain really. This was not really a net relationship but a real time one. I am uncertain what it is that causes me to act in such a way... but I know I want her, and want to be the one who breaks her. Yet then again as people have always stated... I have indeed always had a problem with wanting what I can not possibly have.

As for my dominance... Yes it is true, perhaps this whole thing is just putting me in a series of doubts. I know it is not the factor of what I do or how I handle subs. I am quite confident in everything that I do now. I am just curious if any has ever, you know, been through a likely situation. I mean part of me wonders if an early retirement would be for the best. Perhaps wait until the time comes along again to take up the whip. It is dreadfully confusing really, I hate to admit it, but this is almost like a high school crush drama scenario. At least that is what I keep telling myself. Oh well...

Once more thank you for your comments, and please keep them coming. Your help is greatly appreciated and held with the utmost respect.

Azrael

I read your posts and the replies and I wonder if maybe you put all this pressure on yourself. I have seen other Doms do this. Everytime they begin with a new submissive they act like they need to impress him/her, or show them they are the most knowledgable or whatever. It is a fact that every Dom knows He/She is the Best ever (just kididng- well maybe not that much).

I think what might work better for you is not to go in with too many expectations and then try to develop the relationship first (the part where you and she become friends and then partners). Then anyhing you do after will be because you both wish it. It also takes the pressure off you.
Also, do you talk with her (assuming it is a woman) about what she likes, wants....and then try to learn how to do some of those things.

Another point, Doms have hard limits just like subs. So if a sub of mine wanted to really do something (like blood play) I would have to explain to them I can not do that. But, I would see if we could hook-up with another couple that might be into that and let them work with her in it- with me right there looking after her.

I have been with my submissive for 7 years (but, we don't live together) and we continually are learning new things. We also go through our low points, just like any relationship. Sometimes I don't listen hard enough to pick up what she really wants and needs...then I try to surprise her with doing what she wished.

Lots of hard work in any relationaship and usually in a D/s one...much more work.



SirW