a question

[His_sweet_song]

i am a relative newbie to the boards....have been lurking for a while...have read some interesting and informative comments...but have a question at the moment that i hope yall can help me answer......(takes a few minutes to calm my son...sighs children)....ok for the question......

is it wrong to live the lifestyle on a semi part time basis:confused:
Sir can only really be here with me at weekends and when He would take control the childrens presence in the house is taken into consideration and therefor we only get to be as we trully want to when they are visiting with their father and the house is empty......hopefully this time together will increase in the future...but we make do with the time we have right now......and am i wrong to want more.......:o .......i have to be the one in control with regards the children and finances....as am now a single mother.....

always learning and exploring.......

[Finding_Fantasy]

That is a good question His Sweet Song.

No, I do not believe it is wrong. Tourguide and myself have a limited BDSM relationship right now. Why is that? Becuase life interferes. We are not just dominant and submissive. We are husband and wife, we are mommy and daddy. A lot of our other commitments keep us from living the D/s rleationship we really want.

Also, just because you cannot be physically together does not mean that you cannot be submissive during the times that you are apart. Is there a certain project he would like you to have done during your speration? A way he wants you to act? Something that he wants you to wear...or not wear? Things he wants you to read or write?

BDSM is not just about the physical, it's about the mental as well. It may not be that way for a lot of people, but it is for me.

Now, is it wrong to want more? Certainly not. TG and I want more and will will have it once we learn to juggle everything. It's human anture to want more. Just be patient and I am sure that what you want will come to you. :)

[His_sweet_song]

thank you very much FF....makes me feel better to know that im not the only one who has to for want of a better term..shut away that side of my nature ....when the children need me.

always learning and exploring.....

[kittenfemme]

I agree with F_F, I don't think it's ever wrong to want more. The idea F_F put forth about assignments is perfect.

To further satiate that desire, have you considered a tiered BDSM relationship? I've been in them before (only recently) and am about to enter yet another... where there are certain responsibilities and simple acts of submission you're to follow when in public or with the kids. Things like you don't call him Sir but always speak with respect. You don't lower your eyes at all times, but you do make sure his glass of water or cup of coffee is always full if he wishes.

Then, when you're alone, there is another set of rules you must follow. They're more strict. :D

Perhaps this is something you and your Dominant may wish to consider?

[Jane SC]

Hi
Another subbie here to agree with FF and Kittenfemme..............

I am separated from my owner during the week, as I am working in Oxford at the moment and he is in London where I used to live with him 24/7 until a few months back. It was then that my ideal job came up and we decided that I had to accept it, even if it meant that we would be apart for five days each week.

In fact in some ways his domination over me seems more total now than it did when we were together. Yes, I know that sounds strange, but he keeps in touch via the phone, text messages and e-mail, and the amount of control he has over my non-working hours seems greater than previously Also there is psychological pressure on me NOT to let him down, and to make sure that I behave in exactly the way he wants me to when we are apart.

I suppose I am reasonably well trained (my owner might see that differently...................LOL) after three years of living with him, but it is a challenge to be on my own. There have been times when I have felt lonely, almost bereft, but I came to accept our situation and now I enjoy it. When he does turn up here, normally on Friday night, it is all fresh and wonderful.

We are not married and don't have children (yet), but I have proved to myself that a D/s relationship can flourish and grow in a 'part-time' context. So good luck, His Sweet Song - I hope you get as much pleasure and fulfillment out of your relationship as I have from ours

Love, Jane

[Jones, Nikka]

No, His Sweet Song, it is not wrong to want more, it just means that you are growing and learning. If at anytime you tell yourself that nothing needs to change or evolve or improve in your relationship, you are basically on your way out. Even in "vanilla" relationships, everything is up for revision, discussion and compromise.
I would suggest that you both need to talk about it and decide what is it that you can live with... for now and until when are you willing to do so.
Being submissive and/or living the lifestyle may mean very different things to most people. That much I have learned in these forums. If you are happy part-time or in the privacy of your own mind, then all is well. If you really want more remember that your bdsm orientation need not define the whole of your life and personality unless you want it to and you are ready to be true to that ideal.

[MrJerseyGuy]

I remember saying this once in a different thread but...

As romantic as the idea is...and as much as we may like to fantasize about it, the idea of living a 24/7 Dom/sub or Master/slave lifestyle is largely unrealistic in this day and age. I'm sure there are some that do, but by and large most of us have responsibilities and commitments (including children) that prohibit it.

For myself, I find that having to wait between those times when we can really cut loose just adds to the excitement and keeps it fresh.

By the way, BDSM is sexual and fun...not bowling or poker! You start defining a specific set of rules for what's "right and wrong" and you take half the fun out of it. I don't feel compelled to conform to anyone's "standard" for this type of play except my own and my sub's. If it works for us, it's right...if it doesn't, it's wrong!

Good luck to ya!

[Finding_Fantasy]

Originally posted by MrJerseyGuy
By the way, BDSM is sexual and fun...not bowling or poker!

Personally, I would have to disagree with this statement. Largely because I am not a very sexual person. I never have been, really. It is fun, yes but the satisfaction I get from being a submissive is not one of a sexual nature.

It is oneof knowing that I have done something to please someone else. I enjoy making peole happy. If that measn through sex, then so be it, but it is not even in the top ten driving factos as to why I do what I do. :)

But that is me and everyone is different.

[Jane SC]

Wow, Finding Fantasy, you HAVE gone and said it, and if that statement doesn't make waves here, nothing will ;)

Of course I am referring to your answer to Mr Jersey Guy's observation that:
"BDSM is sexual and fun...not bowling or poker! You start defining a specific set of rules for what's "right and wrong" and you take half the fun out of it."
You answered that with
"Personally, I would have to disagree with this statement. Largely because I am not a very sexual person. I never have been, really. It is fun, yes but the satisfaction I get from being a submissive is not one of a sexual nature."

Let me say straightaway that I agree with you, FF, although I think I would classify myself as a fairly sexual person. But, although our D/s relationship does heighten the sexual element (and vice versa), BDSM for me goes FAR beyond sex and fun.

I'd like to say at this juncture that this is NOT a criticism of Mr Jersey Guy's approach and attitudes towards BDSM. He goes on to say that
"I don't feel compelled to conform to anyone's "standard" for this type of play except my own and my sub's. If it works for us, it's right...if it doesn't, it's wrong!"
I agree 100% with that and I hope he and his sub have a wonderful life together - it sounds as though they do. What I am saying is that in the case of my owner and I, the fun/sexual element is there at times, but it only forms a small part of what glues us together.

I adore Mark, more now than I did when I met him three years ago, more than two years ago, more than one, more than sic months ago. And I know that adoration would still be there if we never made love again, as long as I could remin his chattel. This knowledge comes from my recent experiences when we have been apart during the working week (says she, at last returning to the topic of this tread!!).

In fact I remain TOTALLY chaste five days (and four or five nights) every week which can be difficult to say the least. But it is an amazing thing to have to do - it was very hard at first, specially when Mark had me hunting through the library for stories that would 'amuse' him and I was having to read things that really hit the spot as far as I was concerned. But I learnt just how important our relationship was without sex and without my being allowed to in any way relieve any feelings of frustration building up within me during the week.

Okay, so I am talking about frustration which is a sexual feeling (negative one), but what I am trying to say is that, even with sex out of the equation, my need for my owner is still there in the deepest psychological sense. When he does come striding back into my life, it is him I kneel to, and I do not do that just in the hope of receiving his sexual favours. I do it primarily because I want to please him, and to show him that I adore him and that I am totally his chattel.

Ooops, now I am wandering off-topic. FF: don't you think we should open a thread just on this subject - "The Place of Sex in a D/s - BDSM Relationship?" I think it might be interesting to see how many people out there think as you do.

My apologies if this posting has gone off-topic but, for me, FF has raised a very interesting issue with what she said.

Love, Jane.

[Finding_Fantasy]

lol. That's me Jane, always opening a can or worms!

I think it would be a good discussion, a place to discuss what role sex has in a BDSM relationship. If you want one of can start this but right at this moment, I cannot :)

[kittenfemme]

I've had kink relationships without sex before. They've been quite fulfilling. Granted, I was allowed to masturbate, but there was no direct sexual contact.

Likewise, I've topped several submissives who would rather leave sex out of the play scenes. Though most would rather incluce sex, it's just as interesting (to me) either way.

[His_sweet_song]

there are times...when i have not seen Sir all week when all i want to do is cuddle Him,just knowing He is near and that i am His...and more often than not He is overtired from a long day at work...so that sex is one of the last things on His mind...He would rather relax while i make sure everything is to HIs liking....smiles..cups of tea on tap....:D and then i settle down at HIs feet so He can pet me if He chooses:) :)

[Harold]

Originally posted by His_sweet_song
is it wrong to live the lifestyle on a semi part time basis:

To be honest, I was somewhat shocked by this question. It's only "wrong" if it's not working. The BDSM police will not be out to chastise you if your relationship doesn't conform to approved BDSM guidelines (although maybe things would be more exciting if they did--should we organize a squad?).

I hope the previous sentence doesn't come off as too critical. It's not meant to be. However, the tone of your question seems to indicate that you're concerned that your relationship may not measure up as "real" BDSM. This, of course, should not be a concern, since there's no such thing. It's your relationship.

In general, MrJerseyGuy answered your main question most eloquently and I agree with him.

I would also like to address the difference of opinion between MrJerseyGuy and Finding Fantasy. It seems to me that the majority of submissive women who post to this forum are full time submissives and for them there's a lot more to being submissive than just the sex. However, there are women who have submissive feelings only in regard to sex. These women do not wish to be dominated in aspects of their lives other than sex, are often embarrassed by their submissive feelings (and hence don't post much to this forum), and, I think, represent a majority of women with submissive feelings. They aren't "lifestylers", they just want to be tied up and spanked once in a while. Herein lies the difference between the opinions expressed by FF and MrJerseyGuy. There is no right or wrong to it. Different people just want different things, and finding a good match is always going to involve some level of compromise.

[Cleo671]

Originally posted by Harold
These women do not wish to be dominated in aspects of their lives other than sex, are often embarrassed by their submissive feelings (and hence don't post much to this forum), and, I think, represent a majority of women with submissive feelings. They aren't "lifestylers", they just want to be tied up and spanked once in a while.

There is more to submission than being tied up and spanked every once in a while. Submission is largely about relinquishing control of an aspect of one's life to another person. The 'aspect' of their life, is part of their life, therefore part of their lifestyle or an integral part of their lifestyle.
A 'lifestyler' is just another categorical term, often utilised to distinguish and necessary in order to distinguish, but sometimes I find it can be baseless, in that there are people that make their decision based on whether someone is a 'lifestyler' or not, and if not they aren't 'really into it'. This is all relative.

Submission varies in it's intensity or it's dimensions, just like domination does. There is no 'full' cut and dry definitive scientific term that can be applied. Submission doesn't 'have to be 24/7', and the 24/7 factor doesn't mean that submission is more 'valid'. 24/7 is just a preference for some women and that's fine in itself.

As for the embarrassment factor, there is that, but it could also be another thing entirely. I myself, cannot relate to the 'servitude' aspect, in relation to domestic (not sexual) factors, mainly because in my culture that's the 'usual' done deal from the outset without it even being 'associated' with bdsm, women are 'to serve' - housework, meals ..everything related to domestic, so having seen that and experiencing that in my life, I don't find that erotic or appealing, it doesn't flick my switch personally because in my culture 'servitude' is 'the role' for a woman, it's 'expected', whether it makes another person happy or not, more often than not it relates to the 'sex role'.. can't explain it, but the closest I can get is by saying that the non sexual 'servititude' is one that is largely thankless, usually unnappreciated (as it's much like an 'occupation) in my culture (as it is for other similar cultures).


Kudos to you 'His Sweet Song' because it's never easy being a single parent and sometimes it may be even difficult still to incorporate a relationship when you have children. To want more is natural, but at the same time there isn't anything wrong with the part time aspect as well.
The bottom line is if it works and your relationship is opening up new pathways within you as well as your partner and your both evolving and walking the same journey, it's functional whether it's part time, or 'full' time.

[Harold]

Originally posted by Cleo671
There is more to submission than being tied up and spanked every once in a while.

I agree. The remark was intended to be taken metaphorically rather than literally. I put "lifestylers" in quotes because I consider it an imprecise term. I'm painting with a broad brush here, but the point I'm trying to make is that there are significant numbers of women who are turned on by the idea of being dominated sexually but are themselves often quite dominant in other aspects of their lives.

That does not seem to be the case for many of the women who post on this forum. These are just observations and are not intended to be judgmental. However, I think we're really all saying the same thing here. There is quite a broad range of interest in the subject. Choose the level that works for you.

[Finding_Fantasy]

Originally posted by Harold
I agree. The remark was intended to be taken metaphorically rather than literally. I put "lifestylers" in quotes because I consider it an imprecise term. I'm painting with a broad brush here, but the point I'm trying to make is that there are significant numbers of women who are turned on by the idea of being dominated sexually but are themselves often quite dominant in other aspects of their lives.

That does not seem to be the case for many of the women who post on this forum. These are just observations and are not intended to be judgmental. However, I think we're really all saying the same thing here. There is quite a broad range of interest in the subject. Choose the level that works for you.

Even though I am a submissive, I am submissive to only one person. Towards everyone else in my life, I have a very dominant, aggressive personality. I always have. But with TG I am submissiv. He is the only person so far that has been able to bring out this side of me, though I must admitt that it does resist sometimes. lol.

But I do agree completely with you, Harold. Do what works for you. There is not right and wrong way of doing it. If it feels right, then it is right. Anyone who tells you that you are doing it wrong and that they know everything there is to know about BDSM and that you should be following there example is wrong. :) Even the most experienced have things to learn...or so it has been in my experience.

[His_sweet_song]

thinks i may have lost the plot totally....Sir this morning turned round and told me that He wants us to be more equals...thus would prefer i not call HIm Master all the time when alone....told me He wants one of my new years resolutions to be my being more assertive towards Him:eek: :eek: ......
:confused: :confused: He still wants to give me the pain i ask for....:o ...but for me they all go hand in hand....sighs.....sorry for the outburst..but had to get this one off my chest....

[Finding_Fantasy]

Nothing to be sorry for.

Perhaps what he wants is a more S & M sort of relationship and not a D & S sort of one.

Perhaps it is time that the two fo you sit down and discuss what each of you really wants in this relationship. You may want to move forward but he seems to want to go the other way.

[His_sweet_song]

smiles....i think i could live with that....the prospect of HIm not being a part of my life scares me more than a little bit....we have been friends for 12 years..He was the best man at my wedding...and He was the man who was there when my 10yr marriage ended because my husband desided he loved someone else and could no longer cope with my needs:o :( He was the one to tell me that my need for pain was not abnormal...and that He did not find it inacceptable.....would rather stay with Him and serve as i can...knowing that i love and am loved..than stay with a husband who doesnt understand me