Need Help!

[Romyrick]

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years almost. She is very into BDSM, I've done what I can to satisfy that urge but she doesnt think its enough. Essentially she feels like I am acting and she says its not the same, she needs someone to actually feel the feelings associated with domination. I feel like I can do a good job but I need to know what this is all about mentally, I need a strong base understanding of domination. Can anyone help me? My relationship hinges on this.

[Guest 91108]

Do you not have the desire on your own to want to dominate your girlfriend? you need stimulus to be able to do it ?

[MajesticFae]

You have the ability to give her what she wants if it's in your heart to dominate her and possibly become her master. She seems for need for you to feel that BDSM is right for you too, not just about satisfying her. We subs have this need to be controlled (or atleast I do) and we live to serve.

In my opinion, she needs you to confirm that you want to dominate her not just to please her... but to bring pleasure to yourself as well.

[DrGeordie]

Romyrick,

What you ask is a very broad question. However you have come to the right place to find answers. Perhaps I can lead you to a few resources that may help. Below are a few of my favourite threads on the subject of domination from the forums. You will find many more if you browse around the knowledge base and my BDSM life sections of the forums.
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=7668
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9542
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9300

There are dozens more scattered around the place. You won't learn everything overnight so take a few deep breaths and start reading and thinking. I consider myself very much a beginner which is why I'm not trying to give you any hard and fast answers. Wander around the library and read a lot. The information you want is here but it will take someone with more experience to summarise it for you.

The only practical advice I can offer is talk to her, talk until you lose your voice then talk some more. Show her that you are taking her concerns seriously and that you are working on it

[MrDom]

If you like too talk too some feel free too PM me

MrDom

[Ocean_Soul]

I think you're going to get a lot of good replies to this.

My two cents is that you need to understand fully what she wants out of it and looks for. This lifestyle has an infinite number of ways it can be part of your life so the first thing is to learn that much. Next you need to see if you can find what she wants in yourself. Think on it and find some ways to experience it on the level she wants. Not just kinky sex, which I suspect is the only thing going on now. I wouldn't say commit to doing what she wants right away fully, that’s too much work and a lot to take in at once. Have her spend a weekend as your slave, for example (or whatever she is interested in), stop and think back on it and talk to her about it. And if you do end up doing that put yourself in the role for the weekend don’t think “how can I please her” rather think “if I had a slave what would I do to have her please me” Don’t go crazy obviously, just do things that you think or know she will accept and foremost please YOU.

And be sure to tell her what you’re doing, that you’re seeing if the shoe fits so to speak.

Read plenty about it and talk to others as well.

Good luck!

[Rhabbi]

I think the best book for you to look at is The Loving Dom. This is a wonderful book written from the standpoint of a Dom who had to adapt himself to the needs of his sub, and I think it will help you to understand the mind set of a Dom and why he does this.

[Romyrick]

I think the best book for you to look at is The Loving Dom. This is a wonderful book written from the standpoint of a Dom who had to adapt himself to the needs of his sub, and I think it will help you to understand the mind set of a Dom and why he does this.

I'm going to check that out. I dont know if I personally care about dominating someone, I've never really had preferences with sex, I like to conform to whatever my lover needs. I'm an actor, I think I do that by nature.

Essentially I just want to see her happy, so does that translate into wanting to see her dominated?

[MrDom]

Hey Romyrick actually yes to she her happy it might be that you will need to Dom her. Plus it might make you feel better two.

MrDom

[^firefly^]

I'm neither a Master nor a Mistress, so feel free to ignore me...

But seriously, are you engaging in bdsm play with her because *you* want to or because you think *she* wants you to? There is a *big* difference, and I know that I, as a sub, can tell the difference between when a partner is doing what he wants to do to/with me, and when he's just going through the motions, because he thinks that turns me on. Let me tell you...just doing it to please her isn't going to work.
I can tell you honestly that if I don't feel "it"...that sense of ownership/demand/control from a partner...then no amount of erotic play can really turn me on. A whipping without the intent behind it is just that...it might affect my body, but it doesn't touch my mind, doesn't take me out of myself the way I know it can.

I don't know if this makes sense, but that's just my take on the subject. Good luck to you with your girlfriend!

[TomOfSweden]

I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years almost. She is very into BDSM, I've done what I can to satisfy that urge but she doesnt think its enough. Essentially she feels like I am acting and she says its not the same, she needs someone to actually feel the feelings associated with domination. I feel like I can do a good job but I need to know what this is all about mentally, I need a strong base understanding of domination. Can anyone help me? My relationship hinges on this.

Why don't you ask her? Does she know what she wants? Or is it just a vague feeling she has. If it is, then this might not really be her problem with you. The real problem may be much deeper.

But to go back to the original question. In my opinion being dominant is about bravery. Not being afraid to stick out and state your opinion. Not being afraid of failing. Not being afraid to listen to and take seriously opinions that might go against yours. Basically, being a good leader. The sex should follow quite naturaly from this.

[DrGeordie]

Why don't you ask her? Does she know what she wants? Or is it just a vague feeling she has. If it is, then this might not really be her problem with you. The real problem may be much deeper.

But to go back to the original question. In my opinion being dominant is about bravery. Not being afraid to stick out and state your opinion. Not being afraid of failing. Not being afraid to listen to and take seriously opinions that might go against yours. Basically, being a good leader. The sex should follow quite naturaly from this.
A very succinct way of putting it. That level of bravery requires a lot of confidence. It does take time to develop that confidence. At least I hope it does since I'm still working on it. TomOfSweden rightly points out that is important to first establish that she really understands what she wants. If you are both clear on this then your confidence in your actions derives from knowing that she wants you to do it.