The manual , second asignment by Satan_Klaus

[Satan_Klaus]

ASSIGNMENT TWO


The Manual


Detective Arnold eyed the suspect through the one way mirror.

"So this is him?" he asked. "Doesn't look like much."

The man sitting at the interogation table was in his mid forties or probably early fifties. He looked like your avarage business man: suit, tie, expensive leather shoes and a slowly receding line of salt-and-pepper hair. The obligatory suitcase rested on Arnold's desk.

"I'm not going in there!" Sarah said. "This guy is a creep. A real creep. He gives me the shivers."

Arnold's partner was a tough woman. She had to be. Police work was not for the faint of heart, especially in their department. She cooly interviewed serial rapists and murderers, walked amongst their latest victims on the crimescene with a cup of coffee in her hands. And this Joe Average gave her the creeps?

"Fine, I will do it." He said with a sigh, picking up the guy's suitcase. This case was weird, and it was getting weirder by the minute.

Detective Arnold gave the suspect another look through the one way mirror before walking in. The man did not show any strong emotions, If anything, he looked bored. Not what one would expect from someone who is about to be questioned on charges of abduction, and worse.


"Now mister..." Arnold paused for effect "...Dreyben. Would you care to tell us what this is all about?" Muscle packed bouncers flinched when he switched into his interogation mode. Mr. Dreyben just sat there, barely acknoledging his existence. "Stop playing games with us!" The detective shouted "We want answers and we want them now!"

"No reason to be impolite about it. If you are smart, we can forget all about this sorry business and go our separate ways." Dreyben offered in his maddening, oxford perfect accent. "The way I see it, this is just a mix up that will soon clear up."

Arnold was fuming. He reached into Dreyben's suitcase and slammed a pair of stainless steel handcuffs on the table. "A mix up? Then What is this?" he demanded to know.

"Handcuffs, I believe" Dreyben dryly remarked. "As far as I know, posessing those is not a crime in your country."

The detective added an ankle chain, a set of clamps, a ball gag and a nasty looking cattle prod to the evidence that was piling up between them. It wasn't much, really, just legal items thrown together in a combinaion that painted a highly illegal picture. Arnold wanted to elicit a reaction from his suspect, any reaction, before he pulled out his main piece. He put the shock unit on the table along with the tiny remote they had removed from Dreyben's key chain.

"This is really not going anywhere, detective. Why don't you go chasing real criminals?"

"How about this?" Arnold asked and pulled the collar from his pocket. It was a solid ring of stainless steel, beautifully made and decorated with an array of tiny, real gems that spelled 'Ruby'on it's front. It had no clasp and no lock; they had had to call in a mechanic to cut it off the girl. The girl, Sarah Gwendolyn Norton, age 23, had been in Dreyben's company when he had been caught in a routine car search. She was clean. Too clean. Born 1984, issued social security number 427-98-4807, home-schooled, applied for a passport at nineteen. Nothing else. No drunk driving, no medical records and no living relatives. The little they had about her checked out fine with the databases but everybody knew that she was a fake.
Arnold snapped the shock unit to the collar and locked it on. There was a magnetic key built into the remote that could remove it again. He placed the collar on the table and gave it a shock that send a loud snap reverbrating through the interogation room. Dreyben was unmoved.

"How do you explain that?" Arnold demanded to know.

"Coincidence." Dreyben retorted with the hint of a smile. "My dog trainer seems to fit on Miss Norton's jewelry. Certainly a remarkable discovery but ultimately a waste of both our times."

Arnold could barely contain himself, had to breath deeply several times so as not to punch Dreyben right into his ruggedly handsome face. If only the girl was talking. There was an army of shrinks working on her but they were not getting anything out of her. There were no marks on her, not that the cattle prod or the shock unit would leave any, but she sure as hell was scared of Dreyben.

If only he could get to something solid. Then he could pour more resources into the case. Get Interpol on Dreyben's tail, convince the British authorities to search his villa. International investigations were still a bureaucratic nightmare. His man was guilty as hell but he couldn't do much about it unless the girl started talking.

"Soon," Dreyben announced into the silence "a man will come here. An officer who outranks you by far. He will tell you to drop the case, lock away the files and lose the keys."

"The only thing I'm going to lock away and lose the keys is you, Mr Dreyben." Arnold answered, relieved that he at least had his wits still together.

He put a heavy, leather bound book on the table between them. It was his last piece and, apart from the collar, the only thing that might nail the bastard. 'The slave owner's manual' was embossed in gold letters on the cover. Tiny golden women were chained to the letters. He opened the book to a random page and started reading aloud:

"Beginning with her third month in captivity, a slave may be granted limited freedom and privileges as part of the rebuilding phase. Utensils or pieces of clothing, for example, can be awarded but moving too fast here may necessiate another breaking phase. Keep in mind to only reward a girl if she is acting totally in the master's interest, never considering her own pleasure or well being."


"Given continued acceptance of her position and absolute subordination to the master's wishes, a slave may be granted a name as a gift from her master." Dreyben continued the paragraph, reciting from memory. "A kitchen maid may be given just a number to call her own while a valued slave may be granted a name that expresses her value to the master, like Ruby." Arnold pulle dup the book and reread the last sentence in disbelief. There it was again, Ruby, the name on the girl's collar. That bastard!

"Fiction." Dreyben interrupted the detectives train of thought. "A remarkable piece of writing, wouldn't you agree? The author manages to keep the suspension of disbelief up throughout the entire book."

Detective Arnold's fist smashed into Dreyben's face, sending him tumbling backwards along with his chair. He propped himself up on his elbow and watched the blood flow from his nose onto the floor in a steady dribble. "So far, I have been very agreeable." Dreyben sneered. "But for this, I will have to extract...compensation." His eyes fixed on the one way mirror in a piercing stare and Arnold could hear a faint thump as Sarah recoiled from the glass.





Writing without any help, especially without a dictionary was a challenge for me (I'm not a native speaker). Sometimes, I had to revise sentences only because I was missing a key word. Going without spellchecking was not as bad, although it is more comfortable to use it (but it tends to make me lazy...).

I hope you like my story. It is one of those that would have remained unwritten if it was not for this asignment. Sometimes it is good to be forced to work.


Satan_klaus

[Aussiegirl1]

Thanks for posting your second assignment. I will read through it and get back to you with my response as soon as I can.

[Aussiegirl1]

Writing without any help, especially without a dictionary was a challenge for me (I'm not a native speaker). Sometimes, I had to revise sentences only because I was missing a key word. Going without spellchecking was not as bad, although it is more comfortable to use it (but it tends to make me lazy...).

I hope you like my story. It is one of those that would have remained unwritten if it was not for this asignment. Sometimes it is good to be forced to work.

Well done, I think you have done a great job and loved the story. Not being a native speaker makes this task even harder than it is for other students. You have a good grasp of punctuation and paragraphing, and the story had a nice flow to it. There were a few spelling mistakes, but apart from that, you have written a very interesting and captivating story. I do hope you plan to continue it, as I for one would love to know who Ruby is and how she came to be with Dreyben! You are right too that sometimes we need a push to get things done, but it is amazing what we can produce when we try.

You can move onto the next assignment whenever you like. :D

Thanks
Aussiegirl


The Manual


Detective Arnold eyed the suspect through the one way mirror.

"So this is him?" he asked. "Doesn't look like much."

The man sitting at the interrogation table was in his mid forties or probably early fifties. He looked like your average business man: suit, tie, expensive leather shoes and a slowly receding line of salt-and-pepper hair. The obligatory suitcase rested on Arnold's desk.

"I'm not going in there!" Sarah said. "This guy is a creep. A real creep. He gives me the shivers."

Arnold's partner was a tough woman. She had to be. Police work was not for the faint of heart, especially in their department. She coolly interviewed serial rapists and murderers, walked amongst their latest victims on the crime scene with a cup of coffee in her hands. And this Joe Average gave her the creeps?

"Fine, I will do it." He said with a sigh, picking up the guy's suitcase. This case was weird, and it was getting weirder by the minute.

Detective Arnold gave the suspect another look through the one way mirror before walking in. The man did not show any strong emotions, If anything, he looked bored. Not what one would expect from someone who is about to be questioned on charges of abduction, and worse.


"Now mister..." Arnold paused for effect "...Dreyben. Would you care to tell us what this is all about?" Muscle packed bouncers flinched when he switched into his interrogation mode. Mr. Dreyben just sat there, barely acknowledging his existence. "Stop playing games with us!" The detective shouted "We want answers and we want them now!"

"No reason to be impolite about it. If you are smart, we can forget all about this sorry business and go our separate ways." Dreyben offered in his maddening, oxford perfect accent. "The way I see it, this is just a mix up that will soon clear up."

Arnold was fuming. He reached into Dreyben's suitcase and slammed a pair of stainless steel handcuffs on the table. "A mix up? Then what is this?" he demanded to know.

"Handcuffs I believe" Dreyben dryly remarked. "As far as I know, possessing those is not a crime in your country."

The detective added an ankle chain, a set of clamps, a ball gag and a nasty looking cattle prod to the evidence that was piling up between them. It wasn't much, really, just legal items thrown together in a combination that painted a highly illegal picture. Arnold wanted to elicit a reaction from his suspect, any reaction, before he pulled out his main piece. He put the shock unit on the table along with the tiny remote they had removed from Dreyben's key chain.

"This is really not going anywhere, detective. Why don't you go chasing real criminals?"

"How about this?" Arnold asked and pulled the collar from his pocket. It was a solid ring of stainless steel, beautifully made and decorated with an array of tiny, real gems that spelled 'Ruby'on it's front. It had no clasp and no lock; they had had to call in a mechanic to cut it off the girl. The girl, Sarah Gwendolyn Norton, age 23, had been in Dreyben's company when he had been caught in a routine car search. She was clean. Too clean. Born 1984, issued social security number 427-98-4807, home-schooled, applied for a passport at nineteen. Nothing else. No drunk driving, no medical records and no living relatives. The little they had about her checked out fine with the databases but everybody knew that she was a fake.

Arnold snapped the shock unit to the collar and locked it on. There was a magnetic key built into the remote that could remove it again. He placed the collar on the table and gave it a shock that send a loud snap reverberating through the interrogation room. Dreyben was unmoved.

"How do you explain that?" Arnold demanded to know.

"Coincidence." Dreyben retorted with the hint of a smile. "My dog trainer seems to fit on Miss Norton's jewelry. Certainly a remarkable discovery but ultimately a waste of both our times."

Arnold could barely contain himself, had to breath deeply several times so as not to punch Dreyben right into his ruggedly handsome face. If only the girl was talking. There was an army of shrinks working on her but they were not getting anything out of her. There were no marks on her, not that the cattle prod or the shock unit would leave any, but she sure as hell was scared of Dreyben.

If only he could get to something solid. Then he could pour more resources into the case. Get Interpol on Dreyben's tail, convince the British authorities to search his villa. International investigations were still a bureaucratic nightmare. His man was guilty as hell but he couldn't do much about it unless the girl started talking.

"Soon," Dreyben announced into the silence "a man will come here. An officer who outranks you by far. He will tell you to drop the case, lock away the files and lose the keys."

"The only thing I'm going to lock away and lose the keys is you, Mr Dreyben." Arnold answered, relieved that he at least had his wits still together.

He put a heavy, leather bound book on the table between them. It was his last piece and, apart from the collar, the only thing that might nail the bastard. 'The slave owner's manual' was embossed in gold letters on the cover. Tiny golden women were chained to the letters. He opened the book to a random page and started reading aloud:

"Beginning with her third month in captivity, a slave may be granted limited freedom and privileges as part of the rebuilding phase. Utensils or pieces of clothing, for example, can be awarded but moving too fast here may necessitate another breaking phase. Keep in mind to only reward a girl if she is acting totally in the master's interest, never considering her own pleasure or well being."


"Given continued acceptance of her position and absolute subordination to the master's wishes, a slave may be granted a name as a gift from her master." Dreyben continued the paragraph, reciting from memory. "A kitchen maid may be given just a number to call her own while a valued slave may be granted a name that expresses her value to the master, like Ruby." Arnold pulle dup the book and reread the last sentence in disbelief. There it was again, Ruby, the name on the girl's collar. That bastard!

"Fiction." Dreyben interrupted the detectives train of thought. "A remarkable piece of writing, wouldn't you agree? The author manages to keep the suspension of disbelief up throughout the entire book."

Detective Arnold's fist smashed into Dreyben's face, sending him tumbling backwards along with his chair. He propped himself up on his elbow and watched the blood flow from his nose onto the floor in a steady dribble. "So far, I have been very agreeable." Dreyben sneered. "But for this, I will have to extract...compensation." His eyes fixed on the one way mirror in a piercing stare and Arnold could hear a faint thump as Sarah recoiled from the glass.







Satan_klaus[/QUOTE]

[Satan_Klaus]

Thank you for reviewing this, Aussiegirl. Earning praise from writers I admire is a nice ego boost :D

Rose and you make me feel like I really know how to write but I'm certain that not everything is good. It might help me if someone could adress my weak points as well.



I will try to start on the second asignment later today.

Satan_Klaus

[Aussiegirl1]

Believe me, if you had weak points, I would be pointing them out to you. Also, each level builds up the expectations of the writers, so I am sure by the time you get to level 4, you will be a lot clearer on what areas you can work on.

I really do think you are a good writer, especially given the language aspect. I will ask H Dean to have a look at your work though, as he often sees things I don't see in other's writing.

I do look forward to you next piece of writing.

Aussiegirl

[Aussiegirl1]

H Dean is having a look at your story, but due to the new colour format finds it hard to view it on the site. I will post his reply when he emails it to me.

[Satan_Klaus]

Thank you Aussigirl for forwarding this and thank H Dean from me.

I hope I can finish my next asignment soon, maybe this weekend.

Satan_Klaus

[H Dean]

Critique to be sent to Aussiegirl later today - tried to send it yesterday but it failed.

It's brutal, but I think it will be helpful. Also, I really liked this story, despite all the bitching my critique offers.

[Aussiegirl1]

Here is H Dean's review



This is a damned good start to a potentially damned good story. I really liked it – the tone and the style….everything. There are, of course, a few things I would change…


The Manual


Detective Arnold eyed the suspect through the one way mirror.

"So this is him?" he asked. "Doesn't look like much."

The man sitting at the interogation table was in his mid forties or probably early fifties. The story narrator should know how old the man is or should say that the man “appeared” to be of a certain age. He looked like your avarage business man: suit, tie, expensive leather shoes and a slowly receding line of salt-and-pepper hair. The obligatory suitcase rested on Arnold's desk. I like the imagery but this could have been said a bit better and offered a bit more of who the man is.

"I'm not going in there!" Sarah said. "This guy is a creep. A real creep. He gives me the shivers."

Arnold's partner was a tough woman. She had to be. Police work was not for the faint of heart, especially in their department. She cooly interviewed serial rapists and murderers, walked amongst their latest victims on the crimescene with a cup of coffee in her hands. And this Joe Average gave her the creeps? This sentence was bad form – starting with “and”. Furthermore, it should not be a question unless it was is Detective Arnolds thoughts. Actually, the entire paragraph should be Arnold’s thoughts.
"Fine, I will do it." He said with a sigh, picking up the guy's suitcase. This case was weird, and it was getting weirder by the minute. Nothing wrong with “weird” I just don’t like it. It doesn’t fit; feels too much like a colloquialism.

Detective Arnold gave the suspect another look through the one way mirror before walking in. The man did not show any strong emotions, If anything, he looked bored. Not what one would expect from someone who is about to be questioned on charges of abduction, and worse. Bored doesn’t seem to fit with the later description of the man or what you were trying to get across. Perhaps the man was disinterested or amused. I just don’t think that bored is the proper description for what this man would be feeling.


"Now mister..." Arnold paused for effect "...Dreyben. Would you care to tell us what this is all about?"

Make this the start of a new paragraph Muscle packed bouncers flinched when he switched into his interogation mode. - “Muscle packed”, while it is a good description doesn’t provide the needed effect you are going for. You are trying to let the reader know that bad-asses flinch when this guy talks…bad-asses have attitudes but anyone can have muscles.

Mr. Dreyben just Get rid of “just” sat there, barely acknoledging his existence. "Stop playing games with us!" The detective shouted "We want answers and we want them now!" What’s scary about a guy who shouts? Your detective is supposed to send chills up the spine of street toughs…does he need to shout or would he be cool about things?

"No reason to be impolite about it. If you are smart, we can forget all about this sorry business and go our separate ways." Dreyben offered in his maddening, oxford perfect accent. "The way I see it, this is just a mix up that will soon clear up." This is a great description.

Arnold was fuming. He reached into Dreyben's suitcase and slammed a pair of stainless steel handcuffs on the table. "A mix up? Then What is this?" he demanded to know.

"Handcuffs, I believe" Dreyben dryly remarked. "As far as I know, posessing those is not a crime in your country."

The detective added an ankle chain, a set of clamps, a ball gag and a nasty looking cattle prod to the evidence that was piling up between them. It wasn't much, really, just legal items thrown together in a combinaion that painted a highly illegal picture. Arnold wanted to elicit a reaction from his suspect, any reaction, before he pulled out his main piece. He put the shock unit on the table along with the tiny remote they had removed from Dreyben's key chain. The shock unit needs a name – something to make the narration more clinical. Also “shock unit” makes it sound as if you were hunting for a word, didn’t know it and took the easy way out.

"This is really not going anywhere, detective. Why don't you go chasing real criminals?"

"How about this?" Arnold asked and pulled the collar from his pocket. It was a solid ring of stainless steel, beautifully made and decorated with an array of tiny, real gems that spelled 'Ruby'on it's front. It had no clasp and no lock; they had had to call in a mechanic to cut it off the girl. Get rid of “they” and adjust this to something more clinical. The girl, Sarah Gwendolyn Norton, age 23, had been in Dreyben's company when he had been caught in a routine car search. She was clean. Too clean.. Born 1984, issued social security number 427-98-4807, home-schooled, applied for a passport at nineteen. Nothing else. No drunk driving, no medical records and no living relatives. The little they had about her checked out fine with the databases but everybody knew that she was a fake. This entire bit should be made into a conversation between officers. It would feel so much better to read as conversation. Arnold snapped the shock unit to the collar and locked it on. There was a magnetic key built into the remote that could remove it again. He placed the collar on the table and gave it a shock that send a loud snap reverbrating through the interogation room. Dreyben was unmoved. Give me something scarier than a “loud snap”.

"How do you explain that?" Arnold demanded to know.

"Coincidence." Dreyben retorted with the hint of a smile. "My dog trainer seems to fit on Miss Norton's jewelry. Certainly a remarkable discovery but ultimately a waste of both our times."

Arnold could barely contain himself, had to breath deeply several times so as not to punch Dreyben right into his ruggedly handsome face. If only the girl was talking. There was an army of shrinks working on her but they were not getting anything out of her. There were no marks on her, not that the cattle prod or the shock unit would leave any, but she sure as hell was scared of Dreyben. Psychiatrists and/or psychologists.

If only he could get to something solid. Then he could pour more resources into the case. Get Interpol on Dreyben's tail, convince the British authorities to search his villa. International investigations were still a bureaucratic nightmare. His man was guilty as hell but he couldn't do much about it unless the girl started talking. Are you narrating or are you offering Arnold’s thoughts? You tell this like it is his thoughts but in narration.

"Soon," Dreyben announced into the silence "a man will come here. An officer who outranks you by far. He will tell you to drop the case, lock away the files and lose the keys." This guy wouldn’t use this phrase.

"The only thing I'm going to lock away and lose the keys is you, Mr Dreyben." Arnold answered, relieved that he at least had his wits still together.

He put a heavy, leather bound book on the table between them. It was his last piece and, apart from the collar, the only thing that might nail the bastard. 'The slave owner's manual' was embossed in gold letters on the cover. Tiny golden women were chained to the letters. He opened the book to a random page and started reading aloud:

"Beginning with her third month in captivity, a slave may be granted limited freedom and privileges as part of the rebuilding phase. Utensils or pieces of clothing, for example, can be awarded but moving too fast here may necessiate another breaking phase. Keep in mind to only reward a girl if she is acting totally in the master's interest, never considering her own pleasure or well being."


"Given continued acceptance of her position and absolute subordination to the master's wishes, a slave may be granted a name as a gift from her master." Dreyben continued the paragraph, reciting from memory. "A kitchen maid may be given just a number to call her own while a valued slave may be granted a name that expresses her value to the master, like Ruby." Arnold pulle dup the book and reread the last sentence in disbelief. There it was again, Ruby, the name on the girl's collar. That bastard!

"Fiction." Dreyben interrupted the detectives train of thought. "A remarkable piece of writing, wouldn't you agree? The author manages to keep the suspension of disbelief up throughout the entire book."

Detective Arnold's fist smashed into Dreyben's face, sending him tumbling backwards along with his chair. He propped himself up on his elbow and watched the blood flow from his nose onto the floor in a steady dribble. "So far, I have been very agreeable." Dreyben sneered. "But for this, I will have to extract...compensation." His eyes fixed on the one way mirror in a piercing stare and Arnold could hear a faint thump as Sarah recoiled from the glass.


The main trouble, as I have illustrated, is that there is no consistency with the voice.

Decide how Dreyben would talk and stick with it. He sounds educated, calm and smug – let him use verbiage that reflects that. You weren’t consistent with that. Also, aside from the girl getting the creeps there is no description of why he did so…what kind of vibe she got from him. Just that she was a tough gal who was creeped out.

The narration is third person omniscient – sometimes the voice is clinical and other times it sounds like an old Mickey Spillane detective thriller. You need to decide which voice to narrate in so as not to throw the reader. I would stick with the clinical voice…it is a good compliment to Dreyben and an excellent contrast to Detective Arnold.

Detective Arnold needs more given to him. He is a bad ass who needs to be described more fully – I picture him to be a sort of pulp fiction detective bad-ass who exudes controlled fury. At least, from your description, that’s what I get. Fill him in more and it is a great contrast to the arrogant calmness of Dreyben.


Okay, I did a lot of ripping on this story. Had this been spell-checked and edited once or twice and then presented in the library I would have given it a 7 or so in the ratings. Quite frankly, I would like to know more about these characters, despite my raving about this story’s faults.

Good damned job!

[Rhabbi]

This is a good story, and one that I like. Ac Aussie and Lews have already picked it apart, I will leave you alone, other than to say that to me it read like it was written by someone unfamiliar with english. the word choice was a bit stilted, but as you had to write without anything but your own knowledge, you did a great job.

[anonymouse]

Hello Satan Klaus,

I'd forgotten English wasn't your native tongue until you mentioned it at the end of your story. I agree with the others who have said you did a wonderful job and I have no specific criticisms or corrections that haven't already been mentioned. However, I would like to take this opportunity to discuss the following paragraph -- not as a criticism of what you've written, but for the purposes of discussing narrative writing in general.


The man sitting at the interogation table was in his mid forties or probably early fifties. He looked like your avarage business man: suit, tie, expensive leather shoes and a slowly receding line of salt-and-pepper hair. The obligatory suitcase rested on Arnold's desk.

I get some sense of the man in the scene, but it's still quite vague. You mention later that he speaks in a mannered 'Oxford voice', and that helped to clarify his image. However, the reference to his voice could have more impact if the visuals were more well defined to begin with. How to do this?

I'd make a list of things about this 'Oxford man' and his appearance:

Of indeterminate age, somewhere between mid-forties and early fifties.

Wears a dark, double-breasted suit over a crisply starched white shirt.

The shirt has cuff links.

What color tie? The character of a man can be expressed by his choice of tie. Red speaks of boldness; blue of quiet confidence and so on. An Oxford man might well wear a dark navy colored tie emblazoned with a small golden crest of some sort. "Old school tie", so to speak. Is there a matching kerchief in the breast pocket of his suit?

It's unlikely his shoes could be seen from the adjoining room if he's sitting at a table. His hands, however, would probably be resting on the table. I imagine him to be impeccably groomed and thus would have neatly manicured nails. Does he wear any rings? Perhaps an ornate gold band set with an onyx stone on his little finger. Does he wear any other jewelry such as a watch? If he does, is it an expensive looking gold watch or more a classic style with a leather band?

Are his hands lightly clasped in front of him on the table? This would suggest he's confident in himself. Or maybe he's absently toying with the ring on his finger?

What sort of face does he have? Are his features well defined, or is his face rounder and softer? Is his skin tanned or fair? Does he have any distinguishing blemishes?

You've mentioned a slight receding hair line and its salt and pepper coloring and broadly described him as a businessman. By this I would assume his hair is cut short though you could accentuate his 'Oxford-ness' by describing his hair as slightly longer than most men his age -- such as academics often wear their hair longer.

Obviously there are a lot of ideas to consider above, and I wouldn't use all of them at once. If I was to rewrite the paragraph I might begin:

The man sat straight-backed in his chair. He appeared to be relaxed with his hands resting one atop the other in front him on the polished steel table. The impeccable way in which he dressed seemed incongruous within the confines of the interrogation room and its graffiti covered walls. (Detective whateverhisnameis) leaned close to the glass of the observation window and quietly studied the man in the adjoining room.

You could at this point make reference to his suit or his physical features, but probably not both in the one paragraph. I've avoided mentioning his age also, though this could be addressed in the context of his physical features. What I wouldn't do is make any specific guess but rather, describe it as being either 'indeterminate' or relative in some way to the age of another character in the scene.

Those are just a few ideas off the top of my head. Hope they help :)

anonymouse

[tessa]

Um, I volunteer to go in to "interrogate" Mr. Dreyben. :)

I enjoyed your story, Satan Klause. The mysteriousness of Dreyben added to said enjoyment.

Thank goodness for forced labor.

tessa :wave:

[Satan_Klaus]

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I'm reworking the story as we speak.

H_Dean criticized my use of narrative perspective and I'm unsure what to do. What I tried to use was a form of third person narrator. I think its called 'limited third person' in English. A third person Narrator who actually is the main character or is looking over his shoulders. He sees what the protagonist sees and so forth. And his comments are not objective but rather the thoughts, feelings or sometimes subconscious doubts of the protagonist. I'm not sure if this is acceptable and if it is how to do it better.

Satan_Klaus

PS: Tessa, if you go in there you might find out what forced labor is all about. :bullwhip:

[Satan_Klaus]

By the way: Are there more people speaking English as a second language? I suppose we might suffer from the same problems.

So please speak up!

Satan_Klaus

[Mad Lews]

Thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. I'm reworking the story as we speak.

H_Dean criticized my use of narrative perspective and I'm unsure what to do. What I tried to use was a form of third person narrator. I think its called 'limited third person' in English. A third person Narrator who actually is the main character or is looking over his shoulders. He sees what the protagonist sees and so forth. And his comments are not objective but rather the thoughts, feelings or sometimes subconscious doubts of the protagonist. I'm not sure if this is acceptable and if it is how to do it better.

Satan_Klaus

PS: Tessa, if you go in there you might find out what forced labor is all about. :bullwhip:

SK,
Not to put words in Mr. Dean's mouth but I think his main complaint was about a consistency of perspective. While it's perfectly legal to change perspective in a story it's often very confusing to the reader.

Most of his problems seemed to be with a consistent voice that fits the character. The best way to develop a feel for that is to listen carefully to real people in your everyday life.

You should also be aware that few people follow the rules of grammar when they speak. If you put it inside quotes you can get away with a number of grammatical sins :rolleyes: Just be sure they fit the character that's speaking. For instance your pompous (bemused?) Brit would enunciate clearly, chose his words carefully and probably have a dry wit. He’d most likely be enthralled with his own clever plays on words that were meant to go over the head of his interrogator. That kind of smug jibe could be exactly the kind of thing that would cause the policeman to snap.

The police would be more likely to use contractions colloquialisms and slang. You have to be careful not to overdo that but a sprinkling will add some depth and believability to your characters.

I'd have given it an 8 and encouraged you to post more.

Mad Lews

[Satan_Klaus]

Yes the style of speech could be improved. I really wanted to do this, contrast the englishman with the rough detective. However this is very difficult for me to do and I may be in over my head. Writing proper English is hard enough already, the nuances are killing me. I will work on this for the next version of the story.

H-Dean said that the perspective was "third person omniscent" while I tried to do "thrid person limited" (hope this is the right expression). Before dealing with the finer points, I have to be certain of the narrative style.

Satan_Klaus

[Mad Lews]

Yes the style of speech could be improved. I really wanted to do this, contrast the englishman with the rough detective. However this is very difficult for me to do and I may be in over my head. Writing proper English is hard enough already, the nuances are killing me. I will work on this for the next version of the story.

H-Dean said that the perspective was "third person omniscent" while I tried to do "thrid person limited" (hope this is the right expression). Before dealing with the finer points, I have to be certain of the narrative style.

Satan_Klaus

3rd person omniscient is probably the easiest way to tell a story. The narrator is god, knows everyone’s thoughts and feelings, and is free to relate them to the reader.

3rd person limited is a little tougher as you limit the perspective of the narrator and he/she can only surmise thoughts and feelings of others from their words and actions.

But you already knew that. ;)

Mad

[H Dean]

Well, it doesn't look like the forum colors are going to change much, so I will just have to try to make do...though the colors will definately limit me. Still, I want to get in here and help out a bit.

Both Mad and Lews are right about the consistency issue in my comments. The style presented in the piece was back and forth with its presentation. In reading your comments, SC, I can understand why it got to be what it was.

I recomend that if you do a third person limited that the voice be an actual persons voice. That is, give it a personality. Name it in your head or even in the story. That way it'll be easier to remain consistent. A good idea is to give any voice a quirk of its own - like a phrase or a word it likes to use...maybe a tick or habit that is regularly described. That will make inconsistencies a bit less noticable. Also, if there is confusion as to who is speaking, the quirk makes it obvious and will keep the reader in the flow.

Like for instnace...Mad and Lews have characters who rip the guts out of other characters....hmmm...bad example, that describes a lot of his characters. But I always know it's his writing. Okay, a better example: one of my characters uses the phrase "my dear" all the time. I can make him say all sorts of dumb shit, but when I end his words with "my dear" it's in character.

By the way, don't fret the language barrier too much. The fact is that we all struggle with language (except for Lews who just swears all the time). Just make your characters/narrators talk to you like who they are. The words will come along if you give them a voice in your head.

[Mad Lews]

By the way, don't fret the language barrier too much. The fact is that we all struggle with language (except for Lews who just swears all the time). Just make your characters/narrators talk to you like who they are. The words will come along if you give them a voice in your head.




sure you write one or two (or three) playful little snuff stories and some people will never let you live it down.
Well all I can say Mr.Dean is...
*&%$! @#*&^%*&^$!!! :dont:
Lews
'

Lews,
That really wasn't helpful; he meant gutting in the good sense of the word. I'm sure of it.
Didn't you, Mr. Dean?
Respectfully
Yours
Mad

[H Dean]

Lews,
That really wasn't helpful; he meant gutting in the good sense of the word. I'm sure of it.
Didn't you, Mr. Dean?
Respectfully
Yours
MadBut of course! In fact, it is the gutteral descriptions of the many guttings you have graced us with that I find so charming about your personalities. Yes, the entrails with which you entertain are quite well cut.

Careful with that axe, Lews.