BDSM and how I came into it

I was abused as a child and also as a young adult. One of my abusers attempted to use bdsm as an excuse because she knew that my previous girlfriend and I had been into it. I have since learned that rape is rape, no matter your sexual preference or turn-ons, but I still struggle with being a sub sometimes. I feel guilt over enjoying consensual play, wondering if some part of me did "want it" (as my abuser so frequently told me) and asked for it. I know that being a sub does not me I can be used/abused ...

years ago is truly when it all began. I was living in Beaverton (yeah, yeah, i know, the lesbo living in beaverton, realllll funny) Oregon and I decided to take my interest into BDSM past the part where i read some stories on nifty and then get myself off. An acquaintance of mine mentioned being into the scene and we were going to check out some clubs (which are apparently plentiful in portland) to see what it's all about. until i found out she was into bloodletting and that freaked me out. Now, ...