chalsia

inching my way closer and closer to my 30th birthday and catching up with my mom's 29th i seem to get braver and braver. Actually been attending more and more munches and getting to know people. Although i have this invisible shield around me .. proclaiming that i'm really not interested in anyone, that i'm not searching for anyone. But of course.. deep down that is a lie. I'm searching, i'm looking. Even on here i'm searching and even get a bit jealous as girls find *their Master*. Why is it so ...

So, i joined here in July.. baby steps i promised myself.. reading and learning i wanted to do. Integrate the knowledge from here and go to munches.. sorta find the balance of what i wanted, what i was searching for.
And yet .. nothing happened. yes i started to speak with some people, thought about getting more serious with one, but it did not happen. i was not for him. maybe i'm getting anxious maybe i need more patience. Maybe things are simply not meant to be for me. Perhaps i'm simply ...

i hate chat rooms, i hate feeling that i take stuff even remotely serious. i hate myself for that more then i can even put into words. Actually writing this with tears streaming down my face, because i just simply have to put my emotions and feelings into words, so perhaps i will learn from it, perhaps i will look back and shake my head and will not get things get to me like they do. I mean it's just a chat room right?
i have met some great people here .. one more then just great and i thought ...

Here goes some more ramblings from someone like me.
I have been lurking a bit in the chat here and actually to the point now that i say hello so some of the girls. It is an easy place to just sit and watch and learn. And yes i'm learning. But here is my question and my thoughts on something. For the second time in about a couple of weeks now someone sorta got upset with me, because i did not address him with Sir. I have given this a great deal of thought and i'm still not sure how to handle ...

well here are some more random thoughts:

i have been lurking here .. spending some time in the chat room, getting to know some people. And i have a question or concern.
i suppose it is a submissive desire to feel that collar around his or her neck. So much so that it seems almost desperate.. so much so that some feel *left* out when they do not have this symbol of belonging wrapped around their neck. My question though is, does such collar have a Velcro fastener? Ok ok let ...

sitting on a bench by a lake tossing rocks into the water.. my mind wandering, only hoping for the sun the set and able to return home by then. Unaware of the man approaching and looking up in surprise as he sits next to me. He is friendly and the glimpse of sudden fear quickly retreats. A bit subconsciously straighten my short skirt.. tug on the blouse, just trying to relax and not look so nervous, not nervous because of fear, but because the mans closeness making me self conscious. He spoke quietly ...

i recently opened up here and of course fell flat on my face. oh yes some say that i did it on purpose that i set myself and everyone else up for failure. perhaps.. perhaps i'm the one who just does all this to satisfy my masochistic side inside myself. Never-mind that i truly do not think i have a masochistic bone in my body. Perhaps a craving to be hurt at times to someone who likes inflicting pain, but nothing more.. there is no yearning or craving for pain.
I was told i'm running away ...

not even sure why i'm doing this, not even sure why i'm putting myself through this. joined this site in late july after lurking for some time in the stories section. it actually conincided with the time were i went to my first munch and slosh and such, where i finally took steps towards my own surrender. this forum has been an outlet to my thoughts and dreams.
a while back i came across a post from a Dominant that was looking for a submissive. He sounded like so someone i wanted to get ...

recently the question was posted to me about what is the difference between being simply kinky and a submissive. my immediate response of course was getting very defensive and i do not think i handled it the right way, by trying to defend my submissiveness like a badge of honor or something. But having had some time to think about it, i'm really pondering this thought.
recently went to a couple of munches and made some observations. I was under the belief that everyone going to organized ...

after i posted my last blog i realized something, how detached i was from trying to convey what brought me to this journey. I was like a disconnected reporter and want to rectify such starting today. Because it was much more then just to lay in the bathtub and make myself cum with a stream of water, so much more.
i can not even pinpoint the beginning but every day i looked forward to the private time in my bathroom. my fingers were trembling as i undressed, peeled off layer and layer of that ...