Enseignez-moi, s'il vous-plait

I was abused as a child and also as a young adult. One of my abusers attempted to use bdsm as an excuse because she knew that my previous girlfriend and I had been into it. I have since learned that rape is rape, no matter your sexual preference or turn-ons, but I still struggle with being a sub sometimes. I feel guilt over enjoying consensual play, wondering if some part of me did "want it" (as my abuser so frequently told me) and asked for it. I know that being a sub does not me I can be used/abused in a way that I don't consent, but still sometimes the struggle is hard.

I so yearn to be told what to do. I thrive on being held down, talked dirty to, nipple clamps, basic tie-ups (hands/feet only), being told to either take off clothing/put on certain clothes, etc. I am a sub and I love it. I love that my Dom and I have a loving relationship, that neither of us is very far past vanilla, but we have both been open to further exploration. I wonder if the submissive part of me let open the door to being abused. As young as six or seven I was sexually abused. I've been beaten since I can remember. Did I not fight back because I'm a pathetic woman who just can't handle making decisions? Probably not since at work and in life out-of-the-bedroom I am a very dominant woman who quickly makes decisions. But what if the submissive in me has leaked out at times to cause my abuse?

My Dom (also my wife) has also gone through abuse and that has lead to a lack of any form of intimacy (bdsm play or otherwise) for nearly 2 years now. It's hard to work through my feelings on the whole abused sub thing when I have no situations to work through. Also, I'm what you would call easily-excitable and that leads to frustration over the lack of touch. I am so desperate to be touched, yet I feel so ashamed of it. I am so desperate to return to the role I used to play, begging, coercing, topping from the bottom, and being told what to do in the bedroom, but I am afraid to upset my Dom. We are attempting to work this through as a couple, but still I know I have my exploring and healing to do.

Can anyone relate to this or give advice?

How do I go about getting the pleasure I so greatly want without guilt? Sex is currently out of the question, but any advice on vanilla-ish alternatives that will give me the authoritative relationship I crave? I don't mean being an all aspects of life sub, as collaring and being dominated in every way is not my, or my Dom's, way. But perhaps something that can excite me and let her be a part of my self pleasure without triggering her.