jem

Thank you xxx

16 Comments

jem

, 04-20-2014 at 06:16 PM (7044 Views)

When I look back to what was happening in my life a couple of years ago I feel pride in myself for being here, where I am right now. I was a little down and confused with stuff today and was feeling the whole 'it's not fair' moment that we all have from time to time. A swift kick up the butt from a Master who is just about the most amazing person ever, an hours crying and reflection and yeah. I am proud of me!

There are many and varied opinions of me. The chat room slut. The good girl. The bitch and liar, the supportive one, the know it all, to name but a few! I accept them all no matter what because I look to the screen for strength, something I'm sure others here can relate to. I've lost my way a at times, lost friends and the respect of others; others I value and respect. I have also learned a real sad truth about others. All in a short period of time when I am possibly not coping as well as the smile I wear would have people believe. I guess I got so good at smiling, greeting and playing I even convinced myself I was ok at times. This sanctuary here has been my support network and my arch nemesis at the same time. The reality is, none of that is as important as the whirlwind I have endured this last 2 years and you know what... I'm still standing.

My niece was 4 years old when she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. She fought that sucker for over 2 years before it finally claimed her life. So this time 2 years ago I had my heart ripped out of my chest and had to watch as my beautiful niece passed away. No one should ever have to watch a child be buried. Ever. What made it worse was I took in her two amazing brothers. They lived with me whilst Daisy, my niece, suffered the treatments and their parents broke down dealing with that. I became a single parent over night to 2 boys. When Daisy passed, they went back home - to their real home. The pain of losing them...their random humour, fierce anger, cheek, laughter and silly ass arguments was like another loss to me. A private and selfish loss. I lost three children the day Daisy died.

Grief overwhelmed me and filled me with a fire and hatred that I couldn't shake. I was hurt I was angry. I blamed. I fought all common sense and I grieved my private grief.

It's almost 2 year to the day that Daisy gained her wings and I am reminded of feelings I experienced then as if it were yesterday. I am also reminded of the love and friendship so many here gave to me. So despite my tears as I write this. This blog is a thank you. Thank you to my beautiful flower, Daisy. A little fighting spirit that continually reminds me of the really important things in life and pinches me back to reality when needed. Thank you to my Master, where to begin...strict, Dominant, loving, supportive, honest, passionate, giving, demanding, unyielding, real, true and an absolute rock...words fail me. Nothing I write here will ever do him justice. Thank you to my sister and best friend - never a truer friend on the planet. The other half of my heart. Courageous and loyal. She never ceases to amaze me with her strength and grit determination. I aspire to be as amazing as she is.

Also a MILLION thanks to the wonderful friends I have made here. The ones who bothered to read this waffle. The ones who will no doubt comment. The ones who offer me a shoulder to cry on (even though I am annoyingly private and smile and say everything is ok), because they know behind the smile sometimes there is hurt that can still overwhelm me. The ones that just pass a tissue and open their arms. The ones who terrorise me and remind me that having fun and letting myself go is actually perfectly ok (and in some cases actively encouraged). Thank you also to my new friends here. The new fun and spirited playmates. See I really am blessed. I need to remember that in the days like today when I feel as low and useless as I do. Pick your chin up, dust yourself off and give thanks. Thanks to all the wonderful and warm people who, despite everything just happen to think that ... jem's actually an ok person!

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Comments

cutielady - 04-20-2014 07:06 PM
leaves a hard hug
Barentsz - 04-20-2014 10:42 PM
and a smile on my face...
M4sterG - 04-21-2014 12:58 AM
You are far more than an ok person! Not sure I have the vocabularuly to describe just how amazing you are jem! Here with that box of tissues if you need it.
jane pain - 04-21-2014 01:58 AM
*runs in and snuggles soft stroking your hair and kissing* sorry that you don't always feel able to tell people when you are hurting - but I hope that you know that people care and would want to listen and try to help / be there.
jem - 04-21-2014 07:15 AM
Thank you cutie - hugs you hard back! Smiles back at you Barentsz Sir. (I'm still gonna win that prize!). M4 you are amazing. One of the best friends I have ever had. Any subbie that secures you is gonna be a lucky lucky girl. Jane....snuggles you. Thank you. I really appreciate it. Your inappropriate kisses never fail to make my mood a little lighter! Xxxxxx. Thank you all for your comments. They mean the world xx
starryangel{SM} - 04-21-2014 07:30 AM
jem, hun, I havent been on, but I know what it's like to feel like you are losing everything. Especially lately. I'm glad that you are proud of where you have come to be. It takes time to fully understand everything, and good friends to help you along the way. You know how to reach me if ever you need anything. Just hit me up. I hope today you are feeling less confused and more in focus. *hug
lorem angelum - 04-21-2014 11:33 AM
jem, we haven't know each other long but i have come to see in you a strong, loyal, fun-loving and wonderful person. We all fall down sometimes, it's the picking ourselves up and moving on, better from the experience that counts. I have no doubts in my mind you are a pick yourself up, dust yourself off kind of gal....*grin*. Things happen for a reason and we always grow from them, but you have many shoulders to cry on should you need it. *hugs*
jem - 04-21-2014 03:49 PM
starry and lorem, thank you for the kind words...i know where you are starry and hope you know i am here for you if you need anything. You are right lorem, i am a pick myself up kinda girl. just sometimes feels like the floor is shuddering under my feet...know what i mean? I am getting good at dusting myself off though *smiles* Really is very kind of you both to comment. xxxxx
Mrs-Sett {Kuve} - 04-22-2014 02:27 AM
leaves tender *hugs* for you jem xx
Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght) - 04-23-2014 02:25 PM
Jem .....
Hugs you, gently pulls you down onto subbie couch, wraps you in a subbie soft aftercare blanket and her arms.
I respect and feel for your losses, I truly do. I've only known you ....less than a week. But the Jem I have met .....she's well described in the post above. No, not the " The chat room slut. The good girl. The bitch and liar, the supportive one, the know it all, to name but a few!", but more the
Thank you to my Master, where to begin...strict, Dominant, loving, supportive, honest, passionate, giving, demanding, unyielding, real, true and an absolute rock...words fail me. Nothing I write here will ever do him justice. Thank you to my sister and best friend - never a truer friend on the planet. The other half of my heart. Courageous and loyal. She never ceases to amaze me with her strength and grit determination. I aspire to be as amazing as she is. .
Reading this blog post of yours has shown us that those words could be used to describe JEM, not just Jems' D........
What you went through, you are right. No one should ever have to bury a child. To have (and then lose) her siblings as well, most would have lost it and not made it back....you have. So you act like oh, 99.9 % of the human race and smile and say that hateful word "FINE" when you are not does not make you weak. It makes you human.
I hope to someday know you well enough to see a real smile from a fake one. Or at least, be able to PUT a smile on your lovely face. I'm fluffy and warm and I am going to aftercare you a little bit longer here on the subbie couch, before I stand you up and high five you. You are fierce.
It is an honor to have met you. And cannot wait to know you a lil bit better :P
jem - 04-23-2014 02:49 PM
Oh wow! Didn't expect to cry at the responses I received. GoodGirl you actually had sobbing and tears are still falling as I type this. I write blogs to help me process not gain sympathy or attention seek. I have to be honest I am utterly overwhelmed by the love and support I have been given. Thank you too Miss Sett. Kindness is something I could get use to! *smiles*
Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght) - 04-23-2014 04:45 PM
OK now I"M choking up. Brat
You deserve the love. I think a lot of us here do, and just need to accept it, trust it, ask for it (yes you, Jem!) even through your smiles, and know that we love each other more for the brevity that requires. We don't *ALWAYS* have to be the one to please others. Our "titles" or roles do not define us in how we relate with each OTHER here, which is why I have fallen for this site (and it's women) so hard.
*Blows nose, reaches for bag of mini chocolates, and hands one to Jem.
jem - 04-24-2014 01:09 PM
Wow...choked...overwhelmed. Never in all my life did I expect such an outpouring of support. I just read back through all the comments and swear I am grateful and thankful to have such wonderful support. Thank you A/all

Updated 04-24-2014 at 01:16 PM by jem
{lychee}Trebor - 04-29-2014 11:58 AM
my heart is filled with sorrow for your pain as you know, for fierce pride in your strength and your determination, unconditioned loved for the most amazing person I know and awe for the woman behind the screen. you have run the gauntlet and returned to find your place and your heart and your soul. never alone. always together. always three. you are perfect in my eyes, always have been, always will be. I've learned from you, so much. you are such a beautiful soul and the most perfect jem.
love you always
lychee
jem - 04-30-2014 09:30 AM
It's been a rough few days. I have struggled and cried more than I thought possible. Thank you for the support of those who I've spoken to and thank you to my sis lychee. Love you so much and couldn't have got through this without you babe.

Sorry for not being my normal self. Working on it! I promise xx
sweetlynaughty - 04-30-2014 07:14 PM
Jem, I remember the fight your little Daisy fought so admirably. But it is not her fight I watched for a long time, it was yours. Your fight to be brave and strong every single day, while you worked hard, raised your nephews and dealt your family – for better or worse. *hugs you tight* And all through that you were still a devoted a sub. Not many of us have such a deep inner strength to go through everything you did back then; your plate was overflowing. I’m glad we got to know each other over the past few years, you’re a sweetheart and a brave, strong woman!

May Daisy give you the inner strength you need during this time of year and the years to come when you the feel the pain of her loss and the other losses you experienced shortly thereafter. Pray to Daisy, Jem; she will your soul with the peace and comfort you need.