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Sexual training is likely the category that elicits the most interest and likely produces the most anxiety among those new to submission and the BDSM lifestyle. I am confident that when just about any new submissive looks at a BDSM play partner questionnaire for the first time, there are more than a few gasps of disbelief along with frequent exclamations of, “Oh my god, I’d never do that!”

Sexuality in the Context of BDSM

Certainly BDSM includes many of the familiar vanilla-type sex acts and activities, but of course a great deal more. People are unique in every way and a person’s proclivities, tastes and appetites when it comes to sex is no exception. What some people find sexually arousing can be a huge turnoff for others and vice versa.

Beyond simple male-female, tab a inserted in tab b, penile-vaginal intercourse, possibilities for sexual training topics for the novice submissive include things like;

• Learning to experience increased arousal
• Learning to become sexual in new ways
• Overcoming sexual blocks (e.g., mental, moral, ethical, shame)
• Erotic movement (e.g., erotic dance, striptease, pole dancing)
• Restrictions on masturbation frequency
• Orgasm control/denial
• Overcoming body shame

Training and Development Assessment Phase

Whenever a dominant considers a new submissive for training, the first step is an assessment where the dominant seeks to learn about the specific needs, wants, strengths, weaknesses and desires of the sub. This assessment certainly includes sexual aspects but is not limited only to that. Quite often, sexual training and sexual activities a submissive is exposed to have other purposes and objectives in mind beyond merely someone experiencing a great orgasm.

Assessment tools often used include discussions between the dominant and submissive, a play partner or scene questionnaire and written assignments given by the dominant to the submissive. The goal of the assessment phase is for the dominant to learn where the submissive is in terms of attitude towards service, towards a willingness to attend the needs of the dominant and their attitudes towards sexual service and play. Limits, both soft and hard are also identified during this phase. The assessment process when concluded will reveal whether the two are a good match with enough common interests to sustain a successful relationship. It also gives the dominant insight into the specific areas of training and development a new submissive needs and will benefit from.

Completing a play partner or scene questionnaire can seem more than a little daunting as well as intimidating for a new submissive who in many cases may not have a clue about what many of the listed activities entail. This obstacle can be overcome by asking questions of the dominant for clarification and/or by consulting a good BDSM terms dictionary or glossary. That should provide at least a basic understanding of what unfamiliar terms imply.

The Thrust of Sexual Training and Development

Just as in about any other training environment, the purpose of sexual training is to promote growth, enhance skills, promote the acquisition of new skills and to bring a trainee’s performance up to the highest possible level. The submissive must be trained to the level where he or she can deliver efficient, effective and pleasing service to the dominant and at the same time have the most meaningful and fulfilling submissive experience possible.

Skills Improvement

We all come into the lifestyle with some degree of sexual skills from our vanilla experiences. We may even believe that we are already very proficient in a particular area like giving oral sex as one example. Still the truth is we can always improve and learn new techniques. Thus a dominant may prescribe training to improve the oral sex skills of the submissive. If for example, a female submissive has never learned to deep throat, this might be a skill a dominant would wish her to acquire.

Learning to Become Sexual in New Ways

Learning to become sexual in new ways implies the acquisition of new skills and gaining exposure to new sexual activities. As one example, it is easy to imagine that a new submissive with little or no anal sex experience, for whom anal sex is not a limit, receiving training and development in that area. The are so many potential areas for training and developing a new submissive and helping them to learn to become sexual in new ways, that there are almost an infinite number of examples one could envision.

Training Delivery Methods

The nuts and bolts of how submissive training and development is accomplished is dependent to a large degree on whether the relationship with a dominant takes places face to face or in an online environment. In real life experiences, generally the dominant will provide the training and instruction directly to the submissive. Starting slowly, with brief periods of instruction and simple activities, the dominant begins to introduce the submissive to new experiences.

As one real life personal example, a former Domme was very enthusiastic about orgasm denial play, something I had no experience with at the time. She introduced me to it initially by simply forbidding me to touch myself sexually or to have orgasms without her permission. At first for only 24-hour periods. Gradually she lengthened the periods of denial, eventually up to a full week and more. At the same time, while training me to denial, she introduced me to extreme teasing so that the denial became a more intense experience. This was accomplished in various ways. When actually with her, she might stimulate me herself manually and with toys, make we watch as she pleasured herself or even require me to masturbate while she watched. When alone, I would have task assignments where periodically I had to masturbate to the edge of orgasm without actually climaxing. Over time, more and more daily edges were required. Eventually she required me to obtain a chastity device and locked me up which then physically denied me access to masturbation and orgasms. The teasing then took the form of her stimulating my testicles and anus, requiring me to serve her orally or me being required to view porn or read erotica when alone, without the ability to relieve the feelings of heightened arousal.

In online relationships, the distance element presents challenges, but actually, with a little imagination and creativity, almost any BDSM activity can be explored to some degree and training accomplished. The typical method of training delivery in the online arena is accomplished by the dominant providing the sub with tasks to perform. Written instructions or resources like educational material in print or online can be provided to the submissive along with the task assignments. The submissive researches the activity and then performs the assignments. In many cases, after the task has been performed the submissive either discusses the task experience with the dominant in chat or by phone, or may be required to submit a written report on his or her experiences by email. The report may be supplemented with digital photos to demonstrate performance of key elements. It is also common these days for tasks to be performed interactively on video cam while the dominant watches and gives instructions.

While I began in the lifestyle in the real time environment, I actually had very little introduction to anal play until one of my first online relationships with a Domme. Recognizing that anal play was something I had little experience in and was even at the time a soft limit, she soon began focusing on that activity in my training. The first assignment she gave me was to research anal play on the web to discover that there was nothing dirty or weird about it. Next she gave me an assignment to shower and then to lay on my bed with a hand mirror and to spend an hour exploring my anal opening and sensations it produced to massage the rim and then penetrate myself with a lubricated finger. Eventually she required me to obtain three different sized anal plugs. Starting with the smallest one, I was introduced to inserting it and keeping it in for longer and longer periods of time. I then graduated to the next size and finally the largest. Then other types of anal toys were thrown into the mix until overtime, I had a fairly broad introduction into anal play. Once I learned how pleasurable it could be, anal play, once a soft limit became something I found truly pleasurable and that really accessed my submissive nature. I was always required to submit written reports on my experiences while performing the assignments and often submitted digital photographs documenting my progress at her instruction. With a little imagination, you can envision how similar techniques could be used to train a submissive in almost any other sexual activity.

While far from an exhaustive treatment, hopefully this overview gives the reader at least a better understanding of the topic, sexual training and more importantly removes a little of the anxiety that many new subs feel about it. Sexual training is one of the most important aspects in submissive training because it is one area where a new submissive often makes some very surprising discoveries about themselves as they learn new ways of expressing and experiencing their unique submissive nature.