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A pawn for love

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The anger is so damning, and it is all I can do
to hold on to some glimpse of goodness
that used to be me.
Anger so frothing,
a blazing, seared cannon upon the shores of innocent bystanders
belching flames to raze flesh and hearts,
wipe out any hint of a smile,
cloud the skies so the sun would be nary but a distant memory
imprinted in brackish blood of a thousand impeached souls
who strived to protect love and land
yet failed,
who held hope to survival,
held hope to unity,
goodness and strength.

I was simply a pawn for your love
A decoy to others
Come hither or die, you hissed repeatedly behind my back so that I dreamt
While your visceral arms captured me in the throes of nightmares
until you slapped and punched me awake,
and I, trembling in terror again and again
could only mewl.

Oh how I strive to not hate you,
not hate me
Not hate others,
Not hate period, not give in
To your teaching
Not give in to the leeching of my own pathetic beseeching soul
I need to believe in me again
Before I can believe in others
Yet in betwixt and between
I need gentle tenderness, love and hope
Even if from a stranger
In a glimpse
A distant smile
For a millisecond
That one breath before exhale
Just one drag before I can crawl again.



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