Yes, another Newbie thread... LOL.

So it seems that I have decided to explore the world of Femdom and being a Domme with a male sub.

I was interested in this when I first started learning about BDSM as a teen, but as an adult I became convinced I liked being dominated by men and therefore was a sub. I had been convinced from my studies that switches weren't natural and I was either one or the other.

What I have come to realize now is that just like my bisexuality, I am the kinda girl that likes to both ways in D/s. It really all depends on the partner, my chemistry with them, their personality, etc... I think however, I wouldn't be able to switch roles with the same person... that just wouldn't feel natural for me.

I never really considered it before, because I felt that to be a good Domme, one had to study for a long time, and practice practice practice before they were able to go into a D/s relationship with a sub. There lies the problem... one must have a play partner in order to practice and gain experience. But I never felt like I should seek out a sub to practice on, rather I hoped that maybe some vanilla lover would want to start experimenting with me.

I would just apply what I know from my sub experiences, but they are very limited. I just never had many non-vanilla lovers for any extended periods of time.

Well, I answered a CL ad from a 24 yr old male sub for the hell of it, and it seems from our lengthy emails and phone conversations that something might work out for us if we feel the same after meeting. He understands I am a newbie, and is more than willing to be my guinea pig. ;)

He has experience as a sub... however, his last Domme was sadisitic and abusive of her power. She sent emails to his vanilla guy friends exposing him as a sub. She also pushed his hard line limits, such as constantly attempting to get him to do homosexual acts, and punishing him when he refused... even though it had been established that this was a hard limit for him.

The more I talk with him and continue to read and study, the more I begin to think that despite my lack of experience, I have a lot of the fundamental qualities of a good dominant. Also, I do have a lot of the basics down pat... for example: understanding the need for constant communication before, (during with safe words), and plenty after any play; safety precautions such as paramedic shears, checking in, etc.; good aftercare with gentleness and calming presence; etc... basically I have read a lot of the tips for novices and beginners over and over (and will continue to do so).

I feel like I have a lot of knowlege of the psychology and mental processes that goes along with BDSM, but not very much when it comes to specific interactions. I don't know a lot about scenes, or what goes into training a sub. (Like train them to do what exactly?! LOL)

Additionally I need to learn about negotiating how and when to be in the role with someone who doesn't want 24/7, etc. This particular sub is looking for a romantic relationship (although I think he is OK with us just being play partners if the magic isn't there), but regardless, he claims he is not interested in 24/7, although he does seem to want be submissive a lot of the time in private.

Also I am trying to figure out how to navigate and understand what *I* want from this type of relationship.

He doesn't want to share me, which I am still trying to understand what that means for me... I can't date other people? I can't have other subs? Does it matter if they are male or female? I can't be someone else's sub? OBVIOUSLY this all needs to be discussed with him, but I am wary of his honesty about what is and isn't OK with him... due to his desire to have me be his Domme.

I just feel really confused on a lot of it, and seem to be having trouble finding the kind of information I want online.

I appreciate all your time and efforts in reading and responding.

Happy spanking!

Yes, I know I spelled "sadistic" wrong... and yes I am a pathetic perfectionist who felt the need to tell you that, and add that my pathetic excuse for a web browser won't allow me to edit my post... :)-

I'm not sure what types of responses you're looking for but I'll say that after you've met in person, the majority of your questions might sort of answer themselves, you know? You'll have discussed those things that you're unsure about. You'll have been able to see his reaction to things you say/do.

I guess what I'm saying is....it seems like the foundation is there, now it's time to start building. :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MNGrl

So it seems that I have decided to explore the world of Femdom and being a Domme with a male sub.

I was interested in this when I first started learning about BDSM as a teen, but as an adult I became convinced I liked being dominated by men and therefore was a sub. I had been convinced from my studies that switches weren't natural and I was either one or the other.

What I have come to realize now is that just like my bisexuality, I am the kinda girl that likes to both ways in D/s. It really all depends on the partner, my chemistry with them, their personality, etc... I think however, I wouldn't be able to switch roles with the same person... that just wouldn't feel natural for me.

Dont feel bad about this one...its actually quite common to not be comfortable submitting to someone you have topped in many situations especially if its a male-female dynamic, though oddly enough like bisexuality more permissible for women.

I never really considered it before, because I felt that to be a good Domme, (a common misconception in some cases) one had to study for a long time, and practice practice practice before they were able to go into a D/s relationship with a sub. There lies the problem... one must have a play partner in order to practice and gain experience. But I never felt like I should seek out a sub to practice on, rather I hoped that maybe some vanilla lover would want to start experimenting with me.

I would just apply what I know from my sub experiences, but they are very limited. I just never had many non-vanilla lovers for any extended periods of time.

Well, I answered a CL ad from a 24 yr old male sub for the hell of it, and it seems from our lengthy emails and phone conversations that something might work out for us if we feel the same after meeting. He understands I am a newbie, and is more than willing to be my guinea pig. ;)

He has experience as a sub... however, his last Domme was sadisitic and abusive of her power. She sent emails to his vanilla guy friends exposing him as a sub. She also pushed his hard line limits, such as constantly attempting to get him to do homosexual acts, and punishing him when he refused... even though it had been established that this was a hard limit for him.

The more I talk with him and continue to read and study, the more I begin to think that despite my lack of experience, I have a lot of the fundamental qualities of a good dominant. Also, I do have a lot of the basics down pat... for example: understanding the need for constant communication before, (during with safe words), and plenty after any play; safety precautions such as paramedic shears, checking in, etc.; good aftercare with gentleness and calming presence; etc... basically I have read a lot of the tips for novices and beginners over and over (and will continue to do so).

I feel like I have a lot of knowlege of the psychology and mental processes that goes along with BDSM, but not very much when it comes to specific interactions. I don't know a lot about scenes, or what goes into training a sub. (Like train them to do what exactly?! LOL)

The possibilities are endless...if he is truly experienced he may have already been trained, and if it was good training all you will need to do is make minor adjustments as to your own preferences.

Additionally I need to learn about negotiating how and when to be in the role with someone who doesn't want 24/7, etc. This particular sub is looking for a romantic relationship (although I think he is OK with us just being play partners if the magic isn't there), but regardless, he claims he is not interested in 24/7, although he does seem to want be submissive a lot of the time in private.

Also I am trying to figure out how to navigate and understand what *I* want from this type of relationship.

He doesn't want to share me, which I am still trying to understand what that means for me... I can't date other people? I can't have other subs? Does it matter if they are male or female? I can't be someone else's sub? OBVIOUSLY this all needs to be discussed with him, but I am wary of his honesty about what is and isn't OK with him... due to his desire to have me be his Domme.

I just feel really confused on a lot of it, and seem to be having trouble finding the kind of information I want online.

I appreciate all your time and efforts in reading and responding.

Happy spanking!

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Well at this point your not face to face...so I would be pretty clear with him that commitments of exclusivity are not very realistic, at least until you have met and taken the time to get to know each other and develop an actual relationship of some kind.

As for what you want to get from this type of arrangement...only you can answer that one.

Thank you guys so much for your responses... I think I am just worrying too much... the perfectionistic aspect of my personality doing it's thang. Lol.