any insight?

feeling more than a little switch-y at the moment. . .

i thought that i am 100% sub, but the last few days have been odd and have made me think about it more. i do not like to submit in the general sense of the term. i like to fight and be (consensually) forced. i think that i use the term "sub" because with my ex it was always a given that i would lose that physical fight. i am very strong for a girl my size, but he was a large athletic man. now, a very odd encounter the other night ended with me pinning somebody under me (very long story, but basically i was trying to convince her of why we could not be a couple). so it basically lit up like a light bulb in my mind, i am not a sub in the typical sense. i have also tried subbing online, but that just feels rediculous to me, i mean, why should i let some annonymous person in front of a screen boss me around? where's the physical threat? where's the fear?

a conversation with my ex last night also brought this to the front. i've never realized it, but apparently i am a real bitch around everyone but him (you'ld think after 20 years i'ld know i'm a bitch, haha). and also how i have always used my sexuality to control people (i am not a slut, only 2 people have actually slept with me). so its more like i top from the bottom. . .if that makes sense? i mean, even when i was 7 years old i controlled all the little boys around me (and a handful of girls) with very overt flirting. i use the implied sex to get anything i want, and always have. (and after i've written it this entire paragraph seems irrelevant, sorry)

i am just very confused right now. i mean, does there even need to be a sub and a Dom/me? is there anywhere in the bdsm community where it can just be bdsm without a Dom/sub context? does that only happen among switches? does this make me a switch? i know with 100% surety that i am not even slightly vanilla. i mean, i need the pain in a nearly fictional way. the first time another person ever made me cum was with deep biting only, no overtly sexual contact at all. i am a total masochist and like being tied up and punished for my defiance. i just do not like the whole Dom/sub thing in the traditional sense.

does anybody have any insight? i'ld just really like to figure out what's going on in my head.

Everyone is a switch. I have a long and complicated rationale to explain why this is so but I won't bore you with it now. Suffice to say, you always risk finding someone who is more submiissive than you. Its just that many of us make a conscious choice and persist in being Dominant/Submissive even in the presence of those who are more or less Dominant/submissive than us and our society allows this to happen.

I wouldn't worry too much about labels at this stage. I would also not worry about what 'the lifestyle' will think of you (yes, switches get bad press in the scene... sod them who think it is my opinion :) ). What is important is that you are true to yourself and you find a niche in which you are comfortable. If you fancy putting a label on that box then you can do if you want. What matters is the happiness of yourself and any partners to choose to scene with.

I'm actually the exact same way: I have alot of fight and i liked to be forced into submission. Its the role that we're both usually not in which is probably why we crave it so much. However, for me, it really does take someone special to handle me or else I will become their domme easily. You will notice that alot of self appointed doms have previously been subs and vice versa. To me everyone is a switch and they just are in touch with one side more than the other.
Being submissive doesn't mean you bow down to everyone, just your master. Because you are so strong, it is a sign of strength to your master, its nothing to be ashamed of I think: its something to be proud of.
On another note, I agree with fetishdj... find your niche and don't worry too much on labels. Why don't you try out doming for a change? It seems to me you really do enjoy having a female under you. A thought =]