stuck in a period of indecision

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08-21-2007
animanota

stuck in a period of indecision

I am not sure where I should go in my life. Let me give you some backstory. I am happily married and my wife of 8 years and I are definitely not a vanilla couple. My wife is a struggling submissive with a dominant personality. She is a person with control issues but she wants to give it up in the bedroom only. She really is a walking contradiction. I can be more submissive than she is but I do like to take charge sometimes. The problem is that I'm not sure where and take her and how to 1,2,3 it. She can take some light damage but I've been reluctant to really roll up my sleeve due to her being 6 monthes pregant with our first. My goal is to train her into being a pain slut and for her to explore where she wants to go with our sexual relationship instead of being just along for the ride while I do all the work. I am a little jaded about that. The addition of a child will also come into play soon so is there any parents with suggestions on training, kinky sex and living with toodlers?
08-21-2007
Austerus

No suggestions regarding the parenting side from me. For the rest of it though...

The best thing to do would be to take some time to talk to her about exactly what it is she wants, what you want, and try to find the common ground you can both be happy with. There are some very good surveys posted on the site regarding hard limits/interests that you can both fill out and then discuss things.

I think I would recommend against trying to jump straight into pain play with a pregnant wife. Even experienced people make mistakes, and trying to jump too quickly when the life of your child could hang in the balance seems unwise.

But you have been married for 8 years, so what's a few more months of waiting? :) Take the next few months and figure out exactly what you both will or won't like (or think you will or won't like) talk a lot, figure out limits and terms, and stick to light play. Ramp it up when and where and how you can once the child arrives.

.02
09-01-2007
cbtok

Quote:

Originally Posted by animanota

My wife is a struggling submissive with a dominant personality. She is a person with control issues but she wants to give it up in the bedroom only. She really is a walking contradiction. I can be more submissive than she is but I do like to take charge sometimes. The problem is that I'm not sure where and take her and how to 1,2,3 it. She can take some light damage but I've been reluctant to really roll up my sleeve due to her being 6 monthes pregant with our first. My goal is to train her into being a pain slut and for her to explore where she wants to go with our sexual relationship instead of being just along for the ride while I do all the work. I am a little jaded about that. The addition of a child will also come into play soon so is there any parents with suggestions on training, kinky sex and living with toodlers?

Firstly, you should understand that your wife is going to, in about three months, experience pain beyond what most people experience. You need to understand that for several months afterwards, your wife will probably not want any pain. Additionally, her hormones right now have her on edge, as she's in a fairly constant state of pre-menstrual cycle with the baby. There are other hormones that ameliorate the experience but she's not herself.

I completely understand your description, "a walking contradiction." To a certain extent we all are. There are men in very high places who rule in the boardroom and are absolute slaves in the bedroom. I know one deceased publisher of a business magazine who regularly took leather boys out on his yacht so that he could be the Glory Hole as well as the Whipping Boy. It calmed him down and made him feel whole again.

Firstly, love your wife. The two of you are Switches and as long as you are both having fun, you should revel in the experience. Your wife (if she has told you that she wants to be your pain slut—I don't see her comments here) is probably a sensation player. She'll have really fulfilling orgasms if she gets pain with sex and she'll feel whole again after submitting fully to you. Don't forget to make sure she meets your needs for submission as well.

Set up a schedule to take turns. And if she suddenly opts out from submission, understand that the pregnancy and its aftermath will probably be the cause.

Play with baby:

All of the best baby books tell you to put your child on a schedule. Stick to that schedule and do not vary from it. Infants need to know what's coming next. So if you do diaper change, bath, bottle (or breast) then bed, keep everything in that order absolutely. Get things out of order and you're looking for problems.

Now that works for all families, not just SM-friendly ones.

During the course of infancy, your baby will increasingly respond to your schedule if you are non-varying and don't get erratic. Your baby will sleep soundly for longer and longer periods. Assuming the two of you are getting enough rest, you'll know when you can play quietly in the privacy of your own bedroom because you'll know that baby is sleeping deeply.

All of the books tell parents that you can go about regular household activities while baby is sleeping. Vacuum the floor. Run the dishwasher. Try to avoid really sudden sharp noises but anything that is a part of the environment that your baby is experiencing today ought to be just fine. If you tiptoe around when baby is sleeping, you'll be training your child to be a light sleeper.

Invest in a lock or latch for your bedroom door. Make your bedroom your "inner sanctum," and not a place for baby to be. Your wife may wish to nurse in your bed. Don't do that. Go to the living room or to baby's room. As baby grows up, set boundaries with your bedroom particularly off-limits.

My parents were "vanilla," but I knew at an early age that their bedroom (on another floor from mine) was "off-limits." It really helps if you have a true Master Bedroom in your house with its own bath. If you can save for a bathroom addition to your bedroom (in the event that you don't have such) it's totally worth it and will increase the resale value of your home.

Play quietly. Play in a manner that doesn't leave marks. Clothespins don't leave permanent marks, unless whipped off (and that tends to heal promptly) electricity leaves no marks (but I generally have to be physically restrained before I can tolerate it as it puts my nervous system on edge). Learn to breathe instead of scream.

And, when the grandparents have baby, play all out.

I wish you both many blessings.

P.S.: The best baby book series I have used is the "Becoming (Baby, Toddler, Child etc.) Wise by Gary Ezzo and Dr. Robert Bucknam. I apologize for the Amazon link here; any decent bookstore should have it and I recognize that Amazon tends to reduce the Author's compensation.
09-01-2007
Rhabbi

Quote:

Originally Posted by animanota

I am not sure where I should go in my life. Let me give you some backstory. I am happily married and my wife of 8 years and I are definitely not a vanilla couple. My wife is a struggling submissive with a dominant personality. She is a person with control issues but she wants to give it up in the bedroom only. She really is a walking contradiction. I can be more submissive than she is but I do like to take charge sometimes. The problem is that I'm not sure where and take her and how to 1,2,3 it. She can take some light damage but I've been reluctant to really roll up my sleeve due to her being 6 monthes pregant with our first. My goal is to train her into being a pain slut and for her to explore where she wants to go with our sexual relationship instead of being just along for the ride while I do all the work. I am a little jaded about that. The addition of a child will also come into play soon so is there any parents with suggestions on training, kinky sex and living with toodlers?

I thought I had already responded to this.

My suggestion is that you start with sensations. Sensation play can be the best type of training, and it allows you to explore the pain aspects also. I would avoid doing anything heavy ion the pain department until after she delivers because of the added danger during pregnancy. Then you can start exporing pain more earnestly, if that is still what you want to do. You might find that tying her to the bed blindfolded and exploring how she reacts to different things is enough to keep you both entertained.